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neoHephaestus — Untitled II
Published: 2006-12-13 04:24:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 350; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 2
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Description I remember tenderly—that opening you
and I embrace; a casual
fondling of souls amid muted conversation (
saying something, without ordered variation—
a symphony by unison), witness
to a flowering closeness;
           calculated by scent alone
the intimation of that exquisite first stroke
—a rhythmic intersection of organs
nightly warming;
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Comments: 14

AlannaJohan [2007-02-02 07:40:55 +0000 UTC]

Your contrasting of silence and casual acquaintance with the melodious sensations of romance in every form of speech makes the reader (or this reader) feel very close to the moment, while the slighty juddering rhythm makes me think of breathing intervals. Your description is so rich it feels voyeuristic to read (which I'm just dirty enough to like, hahaha!)

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neoHephaestus In reply to AlannaJohan [2007-02-02 22:00:42 +0000 UTC]

Excellent. I continue to be educated by the responses I've received to this piece. Its the most focused amount of work I've poured into a poem. There are many different levels of sexuality (or not) that one can infer, depending on how explicit their personal compass might be.

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juan-pablo [2007-01-12 00:41:22 +0000 UTC]

I think you create a very intimate feeling in this poem. What you express comes accross as very harmonious. The musical imagery of 'symphony' and 'rythmic' achieve this strongly. What I find most revealing though about this poem is that something 'casual' clearly is or becomes something so much more.

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neoHephaestus In reply to juan-pablo [2007-01-12 01:02:54 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for your commentary, juan-pablo. I really appreciate your insight as you reveal yet another embedded aspect here.

There's a line from an old black and white film (whose name escapes me) where a character says to another "We could make beautiful music together." There is a definite charged connotation associated with the quote and the words you pointed out. I'm very happy to see this pointed out.

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daffodils [2007-01-04 17:02:45 +0000 UTC]

Excellent work. I am so very glad you helped me stumble across your gallery. I do promise to dive in properly tomorrow and have a good look around.

Until then.

x

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neoHephaestus In reply to daffodils [2007-01-04 17:51:25 +0000 UTC]

You are too kind, Miss Katie.

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anomalicious [2006-12-31 00:31:50 +0000 UTC]

There is something very tender about this piece. I really love the silences I read in this poem (especially where the bracket opens and a line fills the space before the words begin). Those spaces, I think, portray intimacy far greater than the words.

I think this poem has a beautiful build; the sexuality in it is potent. I like how there is something left over after the poem finishes, because of your choice of semi-colon, which throws the reader back into silence. It can be interpretated in a few ways: either as part of the memory, or as the pause after remembering - although more might have come after, this is the place to stop the recollection. I like the versitility of this poem - it can either be very romantic, or bittersweet, depending on how the reader takes it. In either case, it is very touching.

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neoHephaestus In reply to anomalicious [2006-12-31 03:05:48 +0000 UTC]

I am stunned by your review.

This is quite frankly the most spot-on commentary on anything I have ever done. Aladdin-Sane and Lisolette provided insightful words, but it appears that you "get it" in its totallity. Is there anything a writer could ever hope for that would exceed that? (besides a six figure book deal).

I operate on the assumption that my use of punctuation will be lost on the majority-- but to see that you understand the silences like the open parenthesis ... I feel like I'm overreacting, but--

The semi-colon at the end serves the very purpose that you surmised. I worked on this one for a long time, and its immensely satisfying to read your comments.

Thank you, kindly

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anomalicious In reply to neoHephaestus [2006-12-31 03:09:24 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome. I took a long time thinking about this (writing and re-writing my comment), and I'm honoured that my comment has had such an impact. This is really a stunning poem; masterfully done.

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Lisolette-Anwe [2006-12-18 05:01:57 +0000 UTC]

"that opening you and I embrace; "

I find this line a little awkward, it's hard to digest. The wording of this is unclear, its so unlike you.

"fondling of souls amid muted conversation" I really liked this line, it created something quite visually pleasing for me.

"(
saying something, without ordered variation—
a symphony by unison), "

Visually I didn't like how the parentheses sat. The opening parenthesis is resting above the line it should be surrounding.

I liked how the rhythm of this piece was emotional and captured a lot of the deeper sensuality of the act in question. I think that Aladdin-sane couldn't have said it better "I like that it renders a very sensual subject matter in images thoughtful enough to suggest a higher spiritual achievement in the narrator, though their brevity suggests that this is whimsical."

I really enjoyed this piece. I thought that for the most part you had worded it well, but I don't feel it was your strongest work.

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neoHephaestus [2006-12-14 22:08:25 +0000 UTC]

I'm grateful for your thoughtful appreciation of the nuance the piece aims to reflect.

It is in fact a whimsical reflection of a point in time the speaker believed to be the beginning of something more than it would be. Though, the speaker still cherishes that time, hence the tone and word choice.

'that opening you and I embrace' is almost literal; it alludes to the many embraces that would follow after first meeting.

This piece is somewhat of an internal reflection of the intimacy that exists is many everyday interactions ... not just those that occur in the bedroom. Because each part of us is soverign, when we choose to 'intersect' with others, no matter the method, it is a choice (however unconscious or not).

The innocent graduation of imagery/action to pronouncement was the trickiest aspect. It is meant to be genuine and celebratory, and not lewd. I am happy to see that I was somewhat successful.

Thank you for your critique. It is much appreciated.

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Aladdin-Sane In reply to neoHephaestus [2006-12-15 11:34:37 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the explanations.

I think my problem with 'that opening you and I embrace' is that the sense remains very uncertain even in the knowledge of your actual intention. It can either read:

'- that, opening, you and I embrace' in which case the narrator and other are opening themselves to each other in their embrace, and the possibility of an intimate understanding of each other to follow. This is fine, though a couple of commas would be helpful.

Or:

'that opening you and I embrace' in which case the narrator and other are actually embracing the opening together i.e. the opportunities before them. The problem here is that the word 'opening' creates such a poor impression of this optimism-in-retrospect on the narrator's part. It simply lacks driven purpose.

I think the word 'opening' is also responsible for my interpreting the subject matter as wholly bedroom-related. It's obviously secondary in meaning to the possibility of future interaction etc. between the narrator and other, but its appearance in the first line does colour what follows in a quite suggestive tone. I think 'fondling' also adds to this idea, in particular.

So I guess that I didn't quite grasp that the poem reflect everyday interactions as well as those in the bedroom. I appreciate that the poem is never explicitly sexual, it's probably the part that I admire most about this, but it nonetheless seems wrapped in sexual chemistry and maybe the anticipation of the act.

Well.

I think maybe I'm thinking too much about this.

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neoHephaestus In reply to Aladdin-Sane [2006-12-15 15:05:53 +0000 UTC]

"I think maybe I'm thinking too much about this."

If only I were blessed with more than two fellow poets who gave this much thought to my ruminations. As with many things I write, there is an effort to give the text as broad a range of interpretations, while providing an underlying motive. All of your alternative interpretations are in fact correct. The embrace is both literal and figurative. I see your point about both the wording and/or punctuation. I labored over this section for a while until settling on the result. The problem with commas is that I didn't want to break rhythmn. I also feel that commas might make opening too figurative and remove the subtext that there is an implied future which isn't spoken of.

"So I guess that I didn't quite grasp that the poem reflect everyday interactions as well as those in the bedroom."

That's the failure on my behalf, not yours. I'm trying to work more with short-subject/observational pieces and this is my latest attempt. I'm working on it, and your critiques have been invaluable.

"...nonetheless seems wrapped in sexual chemistry..."

Very much so. The kernel is still there--a wistful remembrance of a promising beginning. Perhaps I was just trying to say too much.

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Aladdin-Sane [2006-12-14 21:37:08 +0000 UTC]

I really like this poem.

I like that taking the form of a remembrance in the present tense allows the reader to accompany the narrator in reliving the experience.

I like that each image is fleeting and concise enough that their accumulation is as racy as the experience itself. The fairly intricate grammar/punctuation obviously adds to this.

I like that it renders a very sensual subject matter in images thoughtful enough to suggest a higher spiritual achievement in the narrator, though their brevity suggests that this is whimsical.

I'm only uncertain about the phrase 'that opening you and I embrace' because I think it borders too closely upon outright abstraction. Some note upon the nature of the opening would be extremely helpful.

Otherwise I really like this.

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