Comments: 18
D-Metria [2009-03-25 02:42:42 +0000 UTC]
Hope you don't mind a bit of a critique.
The imagery was interesting, but there are alot of points upon which you could improve.
Firstly, the issue of utilizing semicolons. In some places it works, but all in all they don't really mesh well. A semicolon links two separate sentances with simmilar or the same idea/s. In this case, it mainly makes the poem awkward. There WERE, however, some occasions in which it was a good choice of punctuation. The one place in which I liked the use of the word 'springtime' as a separate line was at the end of the first part, but it didn't really flow with the semicolon.
Second, the first part feels very disconnected as a whole. It's as though you're attempting the nearly clerical task of connecting a bunch of almost-touching fragments and making them into a poem for english class. It has imagery, yes, but the imagery is varying a bit much for it to meld into a central idea.
The second stanza was interesting, but you used the word 'nothing' a bit frequently, and in the places you used it other words might have worked better.
To your credit, not only was this a difficult theme to work with, it DOES manage to get the message across. Your experimentation with the meter was interesting, but it still has a way to go.
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to D-Metria [2009-03-26 03:39:01 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for taking the time for this critque! *logs it away*
Yes, this was written quite some time ago, and it is one of the first poems that I actually attempted. I couldn't honestly figure out what else to use to seperate the sentances other than a semi-colon, perhaps a colon?
Yes I did notice the repetition of the word Nothing, which I was going for in order to reach a desirable effect, which apperently it did not.
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D-Metria In reply to OrdinaryKronos [2009-03-26 22:08:41 +0000 UTC]
Well, you could pull an Emily Dickinson and use a dash (-), but I do believe she was using it in order to force people to think about how they read her work.
Try using some other words for nothing.
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nixontech2071 [2009-03-10 02:10:12 +0000 UTC]
this was one of the most interesting incidents to me...
The oddest is the windscale fire.
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to nixontech2071 [2009-03-10 18:33:16 +0000 UTC]
That was very strange, I don't quite get it still myself.
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RavensQuill [2008-03-24 02:31:57 +0000 UTC]
very well written.. very deep. I'm brain dead right now or else I would write more... but I do like it!
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to RavensQuill [2008-03-24 03:35:57 +0000 UTC]
It is...repatative though, and not really a poem. =/
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RavensQuill In reply to OrdinaryKronos [2008-03-24 03:43:00 +0000 UTC]
Its all how you look at it..look at some of mine, they dont even rhythm. but it is a poem, and the message is powerful!!
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to RavensQuill [2008-03-24 03:47:36 +0000 UTC]
Meh. I guess...Nobody even remembers Chernobyle; just thought I'd remind people.
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RavensQuill In reply to OrdinaryKronos [2008-03-24 03:51:32 +0000 UTC]
yeah.. its something, I would think, is hard to forget.. but people do.. good way to just kinda wake people up!
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to RavensQuill [2008-03-24 03:52:23 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I think...I don't even know if it happened in spring. XD
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RavensQuill In reply to OrdinaryKronos [2008-03-24 04:04:19 +0000 UTC]
It was..in april, I think... would have to check
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to RavensQuill [2008-03-24 04:05:15 +0000 UTC]
Lol, so it wasn't in spring...added a picture..
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OrdinaryKronos In reply to swiblet [2008-03-24 00:14:43 +0000 UTC]
k, It is a repeating stanza sort of poem you know? The 'srpingtime' thing is the basic structure of it after all. And I will try to fit the loss of innocence in in my next edit. I should have put that i am not entirely complete yet..
And thank you, I have taken a recent facination in the Chernobyle accident you know? I just wanted to see if i had the balls to write something about it and to make it seems good...XD
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