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paintausea — Stop Ignoring My Pain!
#paintausea #anger #emotional #grudges #hate #ignoring #pain #resentment #seikou #nothingisokay
Published: 2015-10-09 18:56:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 12579; Favourites: 285; Downloads: 47
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"Nothing is okay! NOTHING!"--Seikou
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--*edit 22.01.16
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Comments: 38
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Brrr tellement de violence et d'horreur... Ce dessin me glace le sang. Génial !
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I hope you have found comfort somewhere..
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thank you.. i hope you have found it as well.
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Remember when you said you were happy to find someone of my like again under you paintings? I'm about to destroy that happiness........I almost deleted all of this because I am so scared to think about what this will do to you when you see this in your inbox. But this is all true............and I felt I needed to let you know about this................but it is not, not, NOT, pretty...............I have a feeling this might be the wrong painting on which to talk about this... I really hope my parents don't end up seeing this somehow..............but I warn you, this will be a very difficult and confrontational read.............especially the end..............and especially for you. I can only hope you won't be too scarred from it. But this WILL scare you............
*breathes.........*
I remember when walking over the bridge to college, whenever someone walked by on that bridge................something inside me always longed to push them off over the railings onto the road below... Death by tarmac or death by car... Thankfully, as scatterbrained as I am, I'm cognitively aware enough that it never surfaced. I suppose if it ever did, I would be doing jail time right now................
My parents and I went with my dad's parents down to a hotel in Ilfracombe. We all had a great time there, Grandma and Granddad loved it down there... One afternoon, just before I was about to snooze.................I had a terrifying vision..............it wasn't a nightmare as such, because I was fully awake as I watched it play out before my eyes................I still remember - just typing this now makes me remember all of it in a vivid detail I wish it never possessed..............
My mum was being held by her arms and legs in this rig. She was fully naked, and her torso were grossly swollen... I'm afraid the best picture I can find to illustrate what I mean is of a deformed baby from the War in Iraq... please, proceed with caution............. DO NOT CLICK EVEN IF YOU ARE STRONG OF HEART...............
Now... back to the story... As she was being held in this rig my mum was being brutally disemboweled by these barbed hooks, blades and claws. They were attached to these mechanical arms and worked with a grisly aimlessness. They ripped through her belly, straight to the stomach lining and intestines beneath. Her torso moved with the forces and pressure from these wicked instruments of death; other than that, she was completely limp, apart from her face. All I could see, in the huge hole opened up inside her, was a soupy mix of coagulated blood and shreds of digestive tract............it actually looked very similar to the bloody details in this very painting. Yes, I am sure of it, the texture and the mixture of red and black, and all other shades and hues in between... It's all exactly the same..............
And I could hear her in my mind, screaming - no, HOWLING... Any word synonymous with pain would be inadequate, no matter how strong. There were also the sounds of clunking and creaking machinery... If you want an idea of what it sounded like, I'll leave some sound effect links links for you here - play them all at once and leave them on repeat (if they stay that way...): link link link link link . Mum was effectively being butchered alive; slaughtered in the most savage, brutal, agonizing way possible. The whole scene had a grotesque lecherousness to it.................
Eventually, the scene passed...to my dad...in exactly the same setup...being disemboweled in exactly the same way...limp in exactly the same way...and screaming in exactly the same tortured manner too. And then all my other family members soon followed. The scene was always exactly the same every time; only the head on the mutilated body changed. And it kept cycling through, no matter how hard I tried to stop it...my mother, my father, my granddad, my grandma, my sister, my other sister, my niece, my nephew, my mother, my father, my granddad, my grandma, my sister, my other sister, my niece, my nephew, my mother, my father, my granddad, my grandma, my sister, my other sister, my niece, my nephew... Is this starting to sound like some kind of sick poem...?
And I just want to remind you... I wasn't asleep. This wasn't a dream, it was my imagination... I was fully awake. And yet I still couldn't stop that awful vision of slaughter and destruction..............
I am now convinced that all of this came from the same place.............and it wants to breathe blood. It wants to drink the pain and misery of anyone around me. It wants to spread the most foulest diseases. All this time, it has never surfaced in full............but at times I can feel it scratching away inside my heart...baying for release... And the most disturbing thing about it is that the more delicate that person is, the hungrier this beast grows.
The rotten irony of this whole thing is that the more I think about wanting to help people going through pain like this in the painting, the more the appetite of this beast grows for exactly that kind of pain. I shouldn't even have it. I've never been abused, and have probably been bullied less in my life than the average schoolboy. Yet I can lately feel this demon inside me; and it doesn't want to destroy me - only anyone else who's around...
In fact..................this is where the hard-reading comes in--------------even every time I sent you what I hope were words of love and support...
This beast wants to feed on your pain.
It secretly desires for your own suffering to be as perverted and protracted as possible...
And I'm scared. I'm scared of the ways I may end up hurting people down the line. I'm scared of this cancerous leech inside me taking control one day and feeding on those I may hurt....................especially you...
As cliché as this will sound, I wish I was making this all up. But every time I'm alone, or looking at your gallery... I can feel this beast trying to claw its way out...
And it's baying for your blood...
Are you scared yet, Pai? I am.... I am so scared of me................and I am even more scared for you................
I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that I have not sent you this to fuck with you. Part of me actually wants to break off all contact from you just to avoid the crushing guilt I'm anticipating. But I cannot keep myself away... because although we barely know each other, I do care about you and your wellbeing very much... and I, not the beast but I, really want to help you or be here for you as much as possible in your own dark times...
But it's at complete odds with this.........creature, that wants to slowly tear you apart........shred by little painful shred.........
I can feel myself turning into something truly horrible............
I don't even know why I'm sharing this with you. I guess, if anything... I'm sending it out as a warning...
I can only somewhat hope (though I also deeply hope not) that you may have experienced such a demonic presence inside you at some stage...........just so you can understand what exactly I'm talking about..........
Just like you I may smile on the outside... but inside, there is something deeply volatile that I hate with a burning passion; and that hate only feeds the beast...........but if I try to start loving it, I fear that I will only become it............the Angel with the Scabbed Wings..............rock n roll sores...............disintegrator...................
"COME................................COME............................
[Through jack's eyes:]
The taste of metal
Disintegrator
Three holes upon the leather belt
It's cut and swollen
And the age is showing
[Boy:] "there's no one here to save ourself'
[The disintegrator (to himself):]
This is what you should fear.
You are what you should fear.
This is what you should fear.
You are what you should fear.
This is what you should fear.
You are what you should fear.
This is what you should fear.
You are what you should fear.
This is what you should fear.
You are what you should fear.
This is what you should fear.
You are what you should fear."
..................................................................................................
If you are still able to show me the same kind of love and compassion that you have already, after reading through all of that..............I have no words to express myself with here................
I am deeply, deeply sorry if I made you cry while reading this... really, I'm sorry..... so sorry, so sorry......
Please...... I beg of you...............stay...................safe..................................................as safe as you possibly can..........................
I am terrified of myself....................so................fucking..................terrified....................
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Hello again!
I am continuing from my last reply (on keep going [...]) that lead me on to these thoughts you have left here.
I am not frightened nor cried while reading what you have left me here to read...
It is actually quite familiar to me. If not even comforting to an extend because I have thought myself as a monster for many years due to similar thoughts and pictures in my head that also joyfully join me in my nightmares... So seeing you elaborately explain and paint these sounds and pictures in my head makes me feel.. less of an evil, perhaps.
I completely, 100% understand this terrifying fear of yourself.. (It is what makes me most frightful to get close to people...)
It is within me too.. and it also likes to feed on people's pain and suffering. Especially during the times I dissociate... It's actually satisfying to me that you had to recall these feelings while looking at the picture.. because that is what it represents-- to me anyways.
I have experienced many things.. this beast is most familiar to me.. and I am not afraid to face it in other people. It is almost.. nostalgic really, if you were to abuse and make me feel pain. Because I carry a similar demon inside... it would almost rejoice if you were to...
I judge you not. And you are still the loving person you are to me as before..
I like to believe that everyone has ugly and cruel thoughts.. perhaps on different levels to some degree, but as long as we don't act out on it, it is already to soothe our inner hate or whatever makes it lurk there...
Thank you for being honest. (:
I was actually happy to have read this..
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WAZZUP!
If you don't mind, before we keep on discussing all of this any further (your last two replies.........if you want to, that is...) there's one thing I would really like to know (I hope I'm not being too intrusive in asking this):
I am genuinely awestruck by how seemingly at ease you are with opening up on your childhood etc. as much as you have done to someone who hasn't made his presence known yet on those paintings of yours that reflect on those kinds of things. What makes you feel so..............(at ease? compelled? BLARGH FUCK WORDS ) to be this candid with someone who's only been talking to you for the past two months or whatevs? Or maybe I'm just that clueless on how social stuffs works (even on the Internet! How's that for a shut-in...?)
"And you are still the loving person you are to me as before.."
And you call me a sweetheart?! *holds mirror up to your face *
Also, is it just me or do I always come across as condescending without meaning to... unless that's just a perception we all have of our self conduct on social media/art/netty stuffs like this? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
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I don't really perceive you as so...
Perhaps it is something you fear as well?
I feel like you put a lot of energy and time to your words.
There is always so much to think and go through when I read your comments..! Hehe
But I think at that time while replying I was just drunk and depressed as usual...
That's probably way I started opening up and ranting away about my past..
There are still things that I try to hold myself back to when being on dA.
I want to keep control of myself else I turn my page into a emorantingshitnugget.. OTL
So sorry...
Thank you though.. !
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INCOMING COMMENT BARRAGE......maybe......idk......SHUT UP!:
I'm gonna quote one of my own comments to sum up how I feel after reading this, because I know how easy it is to refuse to open up for the sake of pleasing other people:
"This is your own personal space. This is where you can truly, freely express yourself no matter what other people may think or how they may react. No-one has the right to tell you what you should say or how you should say it ON YOUR OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT. So please, don't feel pressured into thinking you have to censor yourself for the sake of other people; especially on your own paintings. That flies in the face of the very concept of art and self-expression." - Moi, from Sketch: Virtual Suicide
I VERY rarely say this about my own words, but please, never forget this.
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i can't tell if they were ignoring my pain or if i just wasn't screaming loud enough.
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I sometimes believe.. that even if our voice would reach them..
They would only turn away in disgust...
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yeah, and considering they just sometimes help some people with "acceptable" pain, maybe they are hiding us too, drowning the voices, so they can't see us. like they did for a long time with people with disabilities.
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I think it is still fairly young-- the era of acknowledging actual diagnosed mental illnesses.
Even so, most feelings will be disregarded and labeled as a weakness.
Those who do not understand will loosely tell you typical words of encouragement that will only pressure you. (in my case anyways.)
even if they mean well, people have forgotten how to listen properly, rather than arguing with you about how you should feel.
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That's true. I always try to hear what they have to say, but there's no way that i can tell. Before, i managed to get the words to explain, but there was no one. Now, it's like the words can't explain, even drawing would be too messy to be understandable, so even with people that would hear, i don't know how to get all those feelings out (the nice part is that i manage to see something nearby on your drawings and other people's, so i'm always glad to see you still here, still drawing). The things happen in my head, and i can't even ask for help, because i don't know how to explain, how to translate. it makes me feel lonely tho, feelings, sensations and reactions that i don't know the names. *notices i began rambling* well, i will never understand how such loud feelings can be called weak. those words of encouragement really are quite a pressure, i never notice how much pressured till i can no longer use them as fuel, it's like i want to drop everything and run, because i just can't anymore and nobody understands that just because i was doing fine a moment ago, i can't realize just later how much this is making me feel bad.
.. Hm, sorry if i said too much ówò or used the word "i" too much, it always happen, it seems. I think i just needed to tell those things to someone, make them make sense outside my head. And thank you for always listening and answering when you are able to.
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Damn, I really love your art! It describes EXACTLY how I feel a lot of times especially when I'm blamed for things that wasn't 100 percent my fault and criticized for being the cold person I am even though I was turned this way because of pain and mistreatment and bullying but mostly because of insensitive and mean people that I knew in the past. It makes me want to hurt and destroy people in a very violent way and this art shows how that anger and despair can twist into something insidious beyond recognition. Its amazing how you were able to put these emotions into art and produce a masterpiece that isn't easily described. Well done.
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This is a very beautiful description of honest feelings and how this piece developed for me in that sort of thought train.
Thank you for putting it down in words.
Thank you so much..
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"LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! I HATE YOU!" -A regret
I... don't have any comments on this one.
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That's alright dear... You are always here supporting me ... thank you..
Very fitting quote...
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Absolutely perfect.. I have no words to describe it, your art speaks by itself. This is how I feel..
Nice work, the most touching for me as for now..
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I can imagine there is a lot of anger and resentment inside your heart for the times you have been hurt...
Thank you..
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There's a part of me that wants to rip people apart because of how---
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very shocking at the first sight, nice work...
"sometimes" that is the truth
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Mhm... Thank you..
I don't always see it in my own paintings.. but what about it is shocking?
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-runs her nails down the walls-
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It hurts so much...nobody knows...I have to endure it alone...
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And those who are willing to help you endure through it, only feed the demon with their ignorant words..
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*sees it*.....*goes away*
*comes back with candy and food* u want some? *hugs*
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You're adorable...! Thank you... -huggles-
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I just looked that up and wow! That creature is beautiful..
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Aaaannnnnddd now I'm gonna have nightmares.
(Great job!)
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Have fun with them ;D
(thank you!)
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absolut verstörend.... ;__;
...und doch kann ich nicht wegsehen
abartig schön <3
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Ooochh... was ein schöner Kommentar hahaha.. Danke.. (:
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