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PheonixKarrFlash Fiction: Good Business
Published: 2009-05-16 02:45:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 10518; Favourites: 204; Downloads: 84
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Description        “We're finished, Madame.  How do you feel?”
       The sound of knuckles popping echoed through the dilapidated ballroom.  The silver chamber set up in the center hissed loudly as it opened.
       “I feel.... ah...”  A woman breathed deeply, then sighed happily.  “I feel fantastic.”  Slowly she stepped from the blinding lights inside the chamber, dressed in a black smock.
       “Would you like to see your new body?”  A tall man in a grey uniform stepped forward, motioning towards one of the few mirrored walls that hadn't been smashed.  “Most of our clients don't care, but I knew you'd like to see.”  He pointed her towards the mirror that had been cleaned of all dust and grime.
       The woman made her way over, stepping slowly as she got used to the new feet, the new legs, the new spine.
       “Oh, rather lovely.  Quite up to expectations.”  The woman said, inspecting her figure in the mirror.  “I'll have to change the hair though.”  She fussed with the short black locks.  “Can you do that?  Give me longer hair?”
       “I can arrange for it, but... it will cost.”  The man said, smiling graciously.
       “Money is no problem.”  The woman pursed her lips, still posing in the mirror.  “Where is she from?  Or rather, where am I from?  Ethnicity?  I told you I wanted a human body.”
       “Yes, human – as you requested.  No inter-species bloodlines at all.”
       “Good.”  The woman took a deep breath, feeling out the larger capacity of the new lungs.  Suddenly her expression changed, from satisfaction to confusion.  “What's that?”  She put her hand to her chest, over her heart.  “Are you sure she's....”  She gasped, suddenly breathless.
       “Get a stretcher!”  The tall man shouted, sending several assistants scurrying.  The woman trembled, nearly falling.  He caught her, lowering her gently to the floor as she gasped for breath.  The attendants brought the stretcher, checking her pulse and taking a blood sample before they even moved her.
       “You idiots!  Dunces!”  The tall man barked to one of the attendants.  The attendant, a young woman with blue-tinged skin, quivered in fear.
       “I placed it carefully!  I'm sure -”
       “You're sure?  The capsule was set to rupture ten years from now!”  The man shouted.
       “I'm sure!  Something must have happened -”  The attendant cried.
       “You... you poisoned me!”  The woman on the floor choked, clutching her chest.  “You ... I will … I'll end you!”
       “Get rid of her!”  The tall man shouted.
       “If we get her into the machine, and we can get a new body prepped -”  The blue-skinned woman tried.
       “Oh really?”  The tall man sneered cruelly.  “And let her live and tell everyone?”
       “I'm sorry!”  The blue woman wailed.
       The tall man paused, breathed deeply, and sighed.  “Salvage the body.  Purge the mind.  We'll move on to the next location tonight, before someone discovers she's gone.”
       “Who … who are you working for?”  The woman gasped for breath, her face red with rage.
       “Oh shut up, you conceited little worm.”'  The tall man growled.  “Nobody tried to kill you, not specifically.  It simply isn't in our best interest for our clients to live too long in one body.  We drum up our own business, you could say.”  He bent down as she was lifted up on the stretcher.  “Terribly sorry about the shoddy service.”  He smiled a sticky smile.  “I would say you're going to be a fantastic client, but... I don't really think we'll be seeing much return business from you.”
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Comments: 165

sugerstion [2016-07-25 00:20:50 +0000 UTC]

A graphic and  interesting way of pointing out the nature of much business now days. Designed obsolescence is NOT new.

ccc

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Gelfayr [2014-12-03 00:37:32 +0000 UTC]

Great concept and slick execution. Did you ever expand on this?

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LateNightLady [2014-04-10 03:01:48 +0000 UTC]

Would you be at all interested in allowing Divertir Publishing to include this story with our sci-fi anthology?

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MichaelCoolyParker [2014-03-04 16:18:49 +0000 UTC]

this needs to be longer. there is a great story within the walls of this ff

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SurrealGrotesque77 [2012-09-21 07:17:01 +0000 UTC]

If you are interested I am going a cyberpunk issue of my magazine, Surreal Grotesque (www.surrealgrotesque.com) and seeking out submissions, anything from 500-2500 words. Or art pieces of a Strange weird, bizarre, surreal, grotesque, mechanical, dystopic nature. Send any subs to: Surrealgrotesque77@hotmail.com. I also have a group here on deviantart: [link]

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Webecamethewolves [2012-02-22 00:27:09 +0000 UTC]

OOooh! I love it! It's nice to see such a great story conveyed in such a short, readable form. A great premise too! Really well done.

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novelist888 [2012-02-19 06:41:28 +0000 UTC]

I am looking for writers, who are interested in science-fiction.

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dragonfire2012 [2011-12-24 05:37:21 +0000 UTC]

i like this very good, lol when i posted mine i was too lazy to indent lolyou should read mine and tell em whatcha think (cos aparently no one else will)

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mikedb1492 [2011-12-18 06:12:18 +0000 UTC]

Hey, I like it. Short, potent, interesting.

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CrumpetsHarvey [2011-12-13 22:56:59 +0000 UTC]

Ooooh, nasty.

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Tristan-the-Dreamer [2011-11-28 05:48:54 +0000 UTC]

I like to read the beginning paragraphs over and over, it's so vivid, especially the knuckle pop echoing in the old ballroom. Every word has a big impact to quickly set up a rich and intriguing scene!

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Alive-N-Kicken [2011-11-25 08:41:24 +0000 UTC]

That is damn awesome man, I'm writing Flash Fiction for my University course, so I had a little ponder to find some redeemable snippets on dA, and this is just amazing.

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novelist888 [2011-11-20 07:27:33 +0000 UTC]

Hey there,
I am creating an online bookstore/publishing site, and I would like you to be part of it. I have created a basic outline to a sci-fi galaxy. People will write about this galaxy and I will publish it.

Surprisingly, I already have about ten writers, three artists and one editor interested. Hopefully you will also be interested.

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PheonixKarr In reply to novelist888 [2011-11-20 20:04:02 +0000 UTC]

I am interested. Please send me a note with more details if you can.

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novelist888 In reply to PheonixKarr [2011-11-20 20:38:17 +0000 UTC]

Just check out my group.

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seaandsky [2011-10-21 15:50:35 +0000 UTC]

Hey, this is great! I don't read much fiction on DeviantArt that is legitimately readable but this was quite nice. Excellent job!

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PheonixKarr In reply to seaandsky [2011-11-11 20:44:31 +0000 UTC]

Haha Thank you! <3

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Mantisss [2011-09-25 14:03:05 +0000 UTC]

Interesting story.

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PheonixKarr In reply to Mantisss [2011-11-11 20:44:20 +0000 UTC]

Thank you~

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Soullessdestiny [2011-05-04 22:41:14 +0000 UTC]

wow i kinda wish there was more.

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eyeofthebeast985 [2011-02-12 01:26:08 +0000 UTC]

Very interesting . . . though i really do despise cliff hangers.

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Biddzy [2010-11-05 01:51:29 +0000 UTC]

nice. Kind of reminds me of the book called The Host.... But I like your writing better. lol

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london-21 [2010-10-27 14:59:38 +0000 UTC]

I love it!

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DrawingDreamerDaphne [2010-06-21 06:17:40 +0000 UTC]

Wow! Is there a next piece?

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PheonixKarr In reply to DrawingDreamerDaphne [2010-07-12 21:00:15 +0000 UTC]

I'm afraid there aren't any companion pieces to this yet, but thank you!

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LilLynxy [2010-06-10 21:56:40 +0000 UTC]

harsh lol still love it

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PheonixKarr In reply to LilLynxy [2010-06-11 13:55:35 +0000 UTC]

Thank you

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LilLynxy In reply to PheonixKarr [2010-06-14 01:07:25 +0000 UTC]

no problemo

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Yuri-Man [2010-04-11 19:27:48 +0000 UTC]

This is simply wonderful. I loved the imagery; I felt like I was in the room watching this man and woman converse. I can almost form an entire back story for this (just speculation, of course) by how well this is written.

Great job, and congrats on the DD! (I know it has almost been a year, but better late than never, amirite?)

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PheonixKarr In reply to Yuri-Man [2010-04-13 01:50:18 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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The-Lady-Blue [2010-02-24 02:16:00 +0000 UTC]

Ooo, creepy and twisted and fascinating! Wonderful idea!

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PheonixKarr In reply to The-Lady-Blue [2010-02-25 14:25:56 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

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The-Lady-Blue In reply to PheonixKarr [2010-02-25 14:47:07 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome.

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LeeEyeLa [2009-07-04 20:38:32 +0000 UTC]

Very nice! Congrats on the DD!

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PheonixKarr In reply to LeeEyeLa [2009-07-04 21:01:38 +0000 UTC]

haha! I recognize your name Thank you

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ShadowRaven1 [2009-07-04 06:09:49 +0000 UTC]

This is fantastically written. I felt chills as I read, and such a twist with the capsule.
I read through a few of the comments and noticed some people comparing it to the work of Stephenie Meyer. While I can see how those connections would be made, this is glorious in a category all on its own. Rarely do I read such a, well, "flash" and feel almost an urge to find out more. I want to know more about the world, the species, and the "service".
Lately I haven't been as impressed with the DDs being given out, but this one deserves it and more. I will absolutely be adding this to my favorites.

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PheonixKarr In reply to ShadowRaven1 [2009-07-13 01:17:23 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for your kind comment, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it

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ShadowRaven1 In reply to PheonixKarr [2009-07-17 04:25:31 +0000 UTC]

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Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-04 05:34:57 +0000 UTC]

Wonderfully well written, it reminds me of Poe to some extent; though I'm certain that Poe would never have emphasized corporate corruption in his writing as much as you did.

Very strong imagery that was paced just quickly enough in that small space without struggling to get too much in or ending up either too slow or frenetic.

One thing that bothers me is how little time is devoted to the victim considering how many little moments you fit in for the rest of the cast. Is she meant to be a sort of every-woman?

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PheonixKarr In reply to Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-04 16:15:55 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for your comment

Yes, she's meant to be an every-woman. Would the story continue, she would likely not feature in it.

(the line "Most of our clients dont care, but I knew you'd like to see" was originally to indicate that most of their clients come to them to escape death, but some come for... 'cosmetic' reasons, you could say. I didn't end up emphasizing on that as much as I originally intended.)

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Light-Dark-Dragon In reply to PheonixKarr [2009-07-04 16:58:47 +0000 UTC]

Here's a question. When did you learn about Flash Fiction?

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PheonixKarr In reply to Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-04 18:05:24 +0000 UTC]

Two months ago. I learned about it when this [link] got a DD and I read it.

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Light-Dark-Dragon In reply to PheonixKarr [2009-07-06 01:24:52 +0000 UTC]

That is some quality work.
Short, sweet, to the point, a little vignette...like a snapshot out of a day.

Comparing the two stories it seems that yours embraced a much more complicated image with lots of energy whereas his took a slow pace, both of which achieved a state in which the reader was willing to continue.

Very interesting. I might have to try this.

Thank you!

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PheonixKarr In reply to Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-06 17:02:44 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome

I find it relaxing - because you are automatically freeing yourself from the responsibility of finishing the whole story. Its lets you be a lot more creative, and open up some lines of thought you normally wouldn't if you were going to pursue the story completely.

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Light-Dark-Dragon In reply to PheonixKarr [2009-07-06 21:51:57 +0000 UTC]

Sounds like you're a bigger fan of short stories then.

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PheonixKarr In reply to Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-08 03:11:58 +0000 UTC]

I tend to write for one extreme or the other - full novels or flash fiction. I've never finishing anything like a traditional short story. Its very odd.

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Light-Dark-Dragon In reply to PheonixKarr [2009-07-08 22:28:26 +0000 UTC]

Is there any particular reason why?

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PheonixKarr In reply to Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-08 22:33:34 +0000 UTC]

Not one I really know of. I have a tendency to take every little story idea and make a gigantic novel out of it. So either I just make it really huge, or limit myself to a flash fiction

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Light-Dark-Dragon In reply to PheonixKarr [2009-07-09 01:20:10 +0000 UTC]

Yeah I know how that goes. I have a really hard time limiting the stuff I write to some nice medium in between either some nice short piece or a much longer story that becomes very difficult to finish.
That happy medium is much harder to accomplish.

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PheonixKarr In reply to Light-Dark-Dragon [2009-07-13 01:37:06 +0000 UTC]

Nice to know I'm not the only one

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