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picaninny-ice-freeze — Untitled for a broken heart
Published: 2003-03-23 03:38:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 235; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 37
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Untitled for a broken heartCrimson eyes stare back at me,
through the thickness of the air
Dark as the souls of shoes,
that walk for decades of years
Weary breaths as I sit here
I\'m lost in my sleep
It\'s rest I need.
Tired of the spinning,
cycle of the world.
Even though I wish for love,
on the sparkle in the night sky.
My dreams bestow anothers
heart as though I don\'t feel pain
Crimson eyes stare back at me,
through the thickness of the air
Dark as the souls of shoes,
that walk for decades of years
Weary breaths as I sit here
I\'m lost in my sleep
It\'s rest I need.
For my passion,
will never be complete.
Red rose petals of cold blood
have decorated my heart.
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Comments: 5
quite good, you have a nice style that i havent seen anything close to. good poem.
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very nice. you'd think one day they'd actually learn and go for the people with good personalities. it could happen... anyways, good writng, keep it up.
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personally, i love it. i can totally relate and i...i just love it! lol...the words you use and the imagery..great stuff..
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You show some potential as a writer. I really think so.
I really like the rhythm of this. It works really well in most of this.
I liked the first stanza a lot. I has some good imagery and transitions well from line to line. I didn't like the next three stanzas as much. They interupted the rhythm because of the shortened length and didn't seem as rich as the first.
You are walking on the fine line of cliche and it looks like you're about to fall... be aware that images involving blood, roses, the night sky, and your heart usually become cliche. That's not always the case but it's definitely something to be aware of. Be very very careful.
I would normally find a repeated stanza distracting and would suggest that it be left to song lyrics, but I think that the use of it here works well enough.
Again, from reading this, I do think you have potential, especially after seeing your age. You should at least be getting more exposure.
Amy
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