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R0rik0 — Is this a toxic relationship? (please help)
Published: 2015-01-24 03:52:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 1486; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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[EDIT: There are somethings I need to add or take out to avoid confusion]
Is it worth it?
There’s this person I’d like to talk about. His name’s Jason. Long story short, I had a crush on him, he turned me down because he already had a girlfriend, I was upset because I felt extremely embarrassed for straightforwardly telling him that I liked him, but we remained friends and that’s in the past.
Now, however, things start to get problematic. If there was a flaw I hate the most is that I over think things too much. About a month ago we had gotten into a fight (which is now resolved), and that’s when I started realizing things about him that I really didn’t like. So I’m gonna try to make this short and give you pros and cons about him.
Cons:
- When I’m trying to tell him about a problem I’m having, he seems to make it more about himself: an example of this is when I was starting to go through depression. I wasn’t sure if I had it until I was diagnosed, and I asked him if it’s normal to feel crappy for no reason, because that’s how I was feeling. I wanted to explain what was making me feel that way, but he went on, telling me about when he went through a pessimistic phase where he didn’t give a shit about anything because a girl dumped him. He told me about his problems and how hard it was for him, but that he eventually got over his struggles. Then he tells me about how his friends and others go through the same thing so I shouldn’t feel crappy. I honestly couldn’t think of a way to respond to that.
- He told me a very contradicting thing about me: it was conflicting what he said; he told me that I should try distancing myself from him because I wasn't taking care of myself and I really needed to; that I should focus on myself only. But then it sounded like he was calling me selfish because I was telling him what I needed from him. To me, it honestly sounds like both things he said just means he wants to get away from me.
- When I told him how I felt and I how I was upset with him, he got really angry at me: It's as if he dismissed everything I wrote in my letter [my counselor advised me to write down my feelings since my words are better in writing]. He didn't know what to do with me, and he got really frustrated with me, and even more when I tried walking away and crying to the counselor's office.
- Suddenly puts me on the spot and it makes me uncomfortable: While we were discussing this topic of love and etc. he suddenly brought up the incident where I had cried when he rejected me. He was saying [directly at me right in front of my other group mates who didn’t know about what happened] “you’ll find that right person someday” and “it’s okay that you cried, I know that I’m important to you, I understand.” I started crying because I felt so humiliated and I couldn’t say anything. But I didn’t cry that day because I was rejected by someone I liked, I was crying because I was embarrassed for putting my feelings out there. He didn’t know that, so I can’t really blame him. The other instant of putting me on the spot was when he introduced me to his girlfriend. I have no problems with her. She seems very nice and polite. But I didn’t know I was gonna meet her. He just brought her over all of the sudden. It was a concert night when it happened. I was all packed, ready to leave, and then he shows up with her. I was scared and uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure if she knew that I had previously had a crush on Jason, and if she did, I wondered what she thought about me. I was terrified that she secretly scorned me.
- Unaware of how his words can really hurt: I texted him one night because the anti-depressants I was taking gave me insomnia. My mom and my sister tried to help me and stay with me, but they had school and work to go to the next day. So I texted Jason at around 10, because he usually pulls all nighters until 3 A.M. But he wasn’t replying, and I felt so lonely and scared and I almost went into a panic attack. The next day I found out he had actually fallen asleep early. I wasn’t mad that he fell asleep, I understand that he works hard and deserves rest. But what he said made me feel like shit. He just said “why didn’t you go to someone else?” “why didn’t you turn on the lights and do something instead of doing nothing” He seems to do this a lot; just correct me, tell me what I did wrong and scolds me. I felt so attacked; I’m not an idiot, and all I want is just a little comfort from a friend but that’s not what I got. Maybe that’s his way of helping his friends but it didn’t help me. But I understand that depression is a hard thing for someone to deal with.
- He has admitted that he felt obligated to be my friend and he called me a very unstable person: I thought this was the most fucked up thing anyone ever said about me. He made it clear he saw me as some basket case that burdened him rather than a human being that just wanted a friend. From this point till the present now, I doubt when he says he wants to be my friend and doesn’t mind me around.
Pros:
- Besides being just a little reckless with my feelings, he’s very sweet and caring like an older brother: When he rejected me he didn’t walk away. He stayed with me the entire time I was crying and even took me to the personal counselor so he’d be certain I was okay. He also offers me help with stats homework and extra studying.
- Touchy-feely: I really appreciate hugs, even when it doesn’t seem like the moment you’d hug someone (he offered me help for stats once, then hugged me hoping I’d be okay in that class)
- He’s smart: He’s my tutor for a reason.
So what do you guys think about him? I know at the end of the day, it only matters what I feel, but to be honest I don’t know what to feel. When I talk about how he makes me feel bad, I feel like I’m shit talking him but I don’t mean to or even want to.
And I end up blaming myself and beating myself up; sometimes I feel that the problem is me not him; he has other things to deal with too. But still…
And then part of me wants to just be nice until I don't have to be nice anymore, or just explode the next time he upsets me. I just want him to hurt like I've been hurt, but I can't imagine putting someone through that kind of awful pain.
Should I just not be around him anymore?
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Comments: 18
Well I don't think he's a bad person, just getting that out there. However I think you're dealing with someone who is a little thoughtless. Boys that age tend to be that way, it's a maturity thing. It also sounds like doesn't understand your situation either.
What I'd do is give him one more chance and see what happens and start correcting him. If this keeps going on tell him you don't like how he treats you and if it doesn't change then you and him can no longer be friends.
Don't go and blame yourself, it's not like you wanted the situation.
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The thing is that I'm scared of bringing it up again. That fight that we had was started because I was telling him everything about the situation and how he was making me feel (almost everything that I wrote here in the journal) When we fought, it was the first time (and hopefully last time) he got really angry at me and yelled at me. He was saying how it seemed like I was asking too much of him and that he didn't know what to do with me. Lately, he's been a little distant from me (he's been busy, but he doesn't hug me as much as he used to), but I'm trying not to think too much into it. I don't know, I want him to genuinely like me as a friend, but I can't help but doubt it, and doubting him makes me feel like a shitty person.
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After reading your reply I don't think this guy is being that good of a friend toward you.
I can see where your coming from, you want to preserve the friendship. I was in the same exact situation once (not too make it about me ) with a girl who did the same thing you're describing. After getting the feelings out, she became very distant and she said she didn't know what to make of me anymore. I went out of my way to appease this person until it became obvious that this she no longer cared. So it ended, it hurt but life went on.
What I learned from that was it's better to just let something go rather than try to preserve a relationship where the love in unrequited.
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I think I'll just let things be. I'm recovering now and I think over time I can naturally drift away from our relationship without even thinking about it, especially since he's graduating this year. Things are getting better now, and thank you very much for your feedback!
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you're welcome! I'm relieved that my input didn't make you more depressed!
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Honest.
I had to go through something similar before and it tortured me so much because they were basically my only friend
but in the end I told her we could not be friends with how she was treating me
it took me 3 years to say it but after being pushed by her I just decided to let it go
we stopped being friends; but she started to spread rumors about me ( it seems like he would do the same :/ )
I really just stopped caring what the other students thought of me I finished HighSchool left the state and have not looked back
there are several different ways to go through this
1. tell him how doing those things make you feel
( if he is a true friend he will accept how you feel and try to watch the things he says and does )
2. Drop him as a friend
( the problem is you have to deal with the consequences)
3. Keep him
( the big problem I see with this is if you leave it as is nothing will change you will be stuck just like you are now)
please understand I am trying to help sorry if in the beginning I sounded a little self-centered >////<
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No it's okay! Don't worry about it. We got into that fight because the personal counselor at my school told me to write my feelings in a letter to him, so he'd know how I was feeling. I wrote basically everything that I wrote in this journal. But when he read it, his reaction was more angry than understanding. He told me I was asking too much of him, that he didn't know what to do with me, and I feel maybe he's right. Maybe it's too much to ask him to be my friend and spend some time with me. Maybe I don't deserve a nice person like him.
But it was conflicting what he said; he told me that I should try distancing myself from him because I wasn't taking care of myself and I really needed to; that I should focus on myself only. But then it sounded like he was calling me selfish because I was telling him what I needed from him. So I dunno what to do with that...
also thank you so much for taking the time to deal with my problem, it really means a lot to me!
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I don't have any friends other than the ones on DA
but I know some people need the physical interaction
I do think the best is to drop him though you will probably feel much better >///>
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well you can count me as one of your new friends on DA, I wish I could meet all my wonderful friends here in real life XD
and in return you can talk to me anytime too. Thanx
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awww baby :c
well I'm not a big person on love and crushes on boys (I'm asexual), but i'll help as best as I can. <3 (I'm sorry if I say things that offend you about this guy)
The things in the pro's are nice, but you seem to know a lot of con's about this dude. He does seem like a very nice dude, giving you hugs and making sure you were ok, but did he say sorry after he rejected you? If he didn't, he sucks (I'm not done). If he hurts you with words and doesn't realize it, that pretty much what I call an jerk. Talking about when he rejected you in front of many people making you feel more embarrassed and uncomfortable by introducing you to his girlfriend? Now that's just going to an ass. If he insults you with things he doesn't understand and it makes you irritated, he has not been promoted to asshole. Ok I'm sorry, he may be a nice guy in some aspects, but it seems like this Jason has no thought about how he's hurting you mentally, and I know depression makes it even worse for you, you're not alone, I have it too. You must really like him, but you're confused cause he has hurt you really bad emotionally and/ mentally.
Try to bare with him a little more, but if he hurts you in any way again, you should try your best to let him go. But it may be harder because you have some feelings for him, but confused. Don't beat yourself over him just because he rejected you and the problem really isn't you! Again, Try to bare with him a little more, but if he hurts you in any way again, you should try your best to let him go and not be around him. If you stay around him any longer, he will really start taking a bad toll on you and being around someone who has a bad influence on you is going to make things worse. You should really try to avoid him.
If there's anymore problems you have, you can ask me and I'll answer the best I can to help you feel better.
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No it's okay! You're not being offensive, don't sweat it. Yes, he did say he was sorry and said he felt bad about it. Yet again I over think things and when he said it, it didn't feel genuine. He used his normal speaking voice, it wasn't soft, gentle, sad sounding or anything, but it could just be me being paranoid. And actually, my personal counselor told me to write my feelings down in a letter and give it to him (that's what got us into the fight). It was also the first, and hopefully last, time he ever yelled at me. I accused him of never asking me if I was alright, and he yelled "I did ask you!" but when I said that, I meant he never really checked. It's like he'll ask what's wrong, and if I'm silent he takes it as a yes.
And I know it's a lot of cons vs pros, but the pros are worth a lot to me because little things like that really give me a self-esteem boost.
thank you a bunch sweetie! I really appreciate that you can be here to talk
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You're welcome!
Overthinking things is normal when in those kind of situations, especially if your stressed and confused about thing and you want to solve it the best you can.
You're also doing some good stuff right now, like asking others for help.
I'm here, and I'll help you!
If I knew you irl, I would totally be your friend!
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Ok, here's my honest opinion. And before I begin, I am not attacking nor trying to hurt anyone's feelings. Also remember this is just an opinion, and you have a right to be totally against it.
To be honest, he sounds rather immature. You mentioned how he always brings the subject back to him, and toys with your feelings by bringing up that day of rejection. Though you know the tears were out of embarrassment, he clearly sees them as being due to him being sooooo hot to you and that losing a chance with him was too emotional for you to cope with. Though he probably feels bad for making you cry, the event probably helped create an ego about himself in terms of how much of a looker he is.
To me, he sounds like he likes having you around since by now he knows you have feelings for him. Knowing that you like him, it probably gives him an ego boost since who doesn't feel extra good about themselves when they are being desired? In his head, he may see it as even though he had a girl at the time, he was still getting offers aka he must got that "special something."
I wouldn't doubt he likes you as a human being, but the fact that he admits to feeling obligated to be your friend is rather sketchy. Going back to the idea of him knowing you have feelings, having you around reminds him of that moment of being a total hottie or desirable #1.
Also, I feel like you have to take your sexuality and his into account. There's nothing wrong with being assexual just like there's nothing wrong with being well, sexual. Can two people date and not go any further in physical actions than simple hug, occasional cuddles, and light kisses? Absolutely! However, with all the sex talks you say he joins in and starts up, it's clear that he eventually will want to go beyond cuddles and hugs. I'm not saying in the slightest that he'll become a pressuring jerk about sex if you two ended up in a relationship. However, your differing standpoints on sex will definitely cause at least a bit of disconnect between you, too. If anything, you will have to patiently accept the fact that he is sexually interested while he will have to learn to be more understanding of assexuality, which will only occur if he gains tolerance for its existent not only in you but in general.
Also, it kinda seems like you are more into who he could be for you rather than who he is 24/7. After all, your pros all reflect on traits that don't really convince me you have great looooove for him, but rather a fondness. You like that he's smart. You like how he helps you in stats. You refer to him as being like an "older brother." In your pros, not once did I get a sense of you being extremely lovey-dovey for him other than how you like his hugs. It's more so you're describing a loyal, smart friend. Plus the fact that you dwell so much on his cons vs his pros, it sounds to me that you're saying "he's a sweetie and loyal and is good at math, but if only he wasn't so jerky and ignorant of my asexuality and awkwardly pushing the idea of sex being a necessity."
If I were you, I'd keep him around as a friend and a tutor. Go have fun movie nights. Go bowling. Challenge him to a round of mini golf or mario kart. Do fun things together. If you do want to date him, remember that you are dating him as is. Don't guess that by dating him or pursuing a relationship, he'll just change while your dating him. Expect to date the smart hugger, but also expect to date the pro-sex, hurtful side-commenter who will tell it like it is to you (which going with the fact that he was quick to call you unstable and having to be your friend, it will probably happen often).
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Thank you so much for the input, I really appreciate hearing it especially during times like these. And no, I don't believe you were trying to be offensive and I don't find your comments hurtful in the least. But I think I was a little incoherent in my writing of this so I should probably clear things up (I'm so sorry)
Ah, well with the asexuality; I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community, but I'm not ace. I was offended because I have friends who are asexuals and I felt the need to try and defend and educate. I'm actually bi and somewhat sexual, but it depends on time and place and I felt the discussion in class should focus on the platonic as well.
You hit the nail on the head though about him being a little pro-sex. My friends Caroline and Heidi (who are asexuals) are on the swimming team with him and they told me they secretly nicknamed him Dirty Jason because he makes some perverted jokes and the two have a sex repulsion (though a good dirty joke that is in good taste doesn't bother me much ^^)
And with listing more cons than pros, I guess it was just the heat of the moment. Also, I really don't know how to describe why I like him a lot. It's like... I know I'm not the one for him, he's not the one for me, but I wanna spend so much time with him. Whenever I'm around him it gives me temporary bliss. Because I don't get to spend a lot of intimate time with people, and whenever we hang out it usually ends up to be just the two of us. For some reason, it's kinda excitable (and I don't mean it to be taken in a lewd way). I guess you can say with the little things he does for me and our little intimate moments, I feel so loved and that I matter but then once it's done I think back about all of this. I know even with this bit, there aren't many pros, but those few pros are worth a lot to me. I dunno, I guess one can say I'm masochistic because I keep coming back to someone who can't give me genuine affection.
But then I think about how I could fall victim into being so obedient and submissive to him. Like when you said he might like having me around as an ego boost reminds me that I could end up a victim of psychological manipulation. I always feel bad when I text him at night, or when I ask if he wants to hang out after school or during lunch. I always end up apologizing, "sorry for bothering you", "sorry do you have a moment", "sorry, do you wanna hang out some time?" (common phrases that I've seen in my past texts that I am very ashamed about) That doesn't sound like a very good thing right? Apologizing for things that don't really sound like you need to apologize for?
Another thing that troubles me is that even my friends notice I'm too nice and they find that concerning. I always thought being too nice wasn't a problem but now that I'm older I see how it can be. I've given him gifts with no clear reason; once I baked him cookies and made a special origami box and bow to hold them in (they were in his favorite color too). He was so happy when I gave it to him, and that made me lit up a lot too! My friends say that I shouldn't be doing nice things like that for him, but I just kinda wanted to. I like making people happy, and I don't like making people sad or mad at me.
Also, the reason why I've been considering parting ways with him is because of my friends. I tell them the problems going on and they were absolutely livid and furious at Jason. My friend Audrey said that, although I can feel however I want, she advised me to stay away because it seems he's really ruining my mental health. They also told me that if someone isn't treating me right, then I also need to stay away.
They did have a point; it's okay to get rid of toxic people in my life, but even if he is toxic I still want him around. I think maybe it's because I've never had a real loving romantic relationship with someone, and because Jason gives me little slivers of platonic love (the hugs, playing with my hair, spending one-on-one time with me) I want to keep running to him from the fear that if I do something wrong and lose him, I won't ever find that sort of affection ever again. What do you think?
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I'll let you in on a secret of mine. I'm in college at the moment. I had a crush on a guy who I would ask to hang with me and such, but he'd always blow me off or never answer me. It hurt, but I always went running to him when he needed homework help or just was bored enough to contact me. Now, I'm only friends with this guy, but I keep my distance. We get lunch at school, I'll wave and chat shortly when I see him, but I never really contact him on my free time. To be honest, I had a whole month off from school and I didn't talk to him one. It was hard to get over my attraction to him. Even today, seeing him I'm like "Why is he so cute?" However, I think being his friend turned out much better. If I dated someone like him, I doubt it would have lasted long. In fact, the only reason I really like him was for a few minor aspects. I loved how he was so shy, how he had dark black hair, his eyes, and the way he was so slim and wore dark clothes...*ahem* what was I saying Oh, yes! As you can tell, I loved the idea of him and his physical appeal, but outside of that, there isn't much to him that I liked.
When it comes to your Jason, I think you're in the same kind of mindset. I'm sure he's not a bad guy. He sounds like a fun friend when he wants to be. But you shouldn't feel guilty for contacting him ever. If he doesn't respond to you much outside of school or when you're not in the same room, he may be indicating how close he wants to be with you. When you're around, of course he'll cuddle up and be the charmer IF HE FEELS LIKE IT. However, clearly if he's not texting you on the weekend or ever so often asking to hang or anything, he's not as into you as you are to him.
And to be honest. You have to give yourself more credit. You're quite beautiful, and you're talented and kind. It will not be hard for you to gain other favors from waaaaaaaaaaaaay more commited, understanding gentlemen once you realize that. If you're anything like how you depict yourself online, you'll catch another's eye in no time. If I were you, I wouldn't let old shady Jason consume your every waking moment. I'd let your friendship stay as is, and try to be more open-minded of other potential princes around you.
Hun, I'm not sure how old you are. If you're in high school, trust me, hun. there are gonna be guys who actually be the charmer with you 100%, and not just when he feels like it. And I'm not gonna lie, it sucks to try ad get over a crush. It's much easier to sulk in a corner and wait for them to come around. However, if you stay in line wating for that one dude, a flos of much better guys are going pass you by. Trust me, if you're less than 30, there are gonna be plenty of guys in your future. It just doesn't seem like it now. Especially since this appears to be your first real crush, not just a "I want to hold his hand and share juice boxes" kind of deal.
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I really appreciate you telling me something so personal, and you've helped me a lot! During the course of the new year I had promised myself that I wouldn't be sad anymore and I'll live a fun filled life while I'm still a 17 year old. Though it became a little faltering, I think I can keep true to this resolution now that I'm finally starting to recover. And your feedback has helped with this process. I think I will put myself back out there not bother with Jason too much. I think leaving the way things are (so long as they don't get worse over time or something happens) might be best. Yeah, I can still have him in my life without fretting. thank you so much again! It gives me a little piece of mind now, and I'm gonna hopefully fully recover from my heartbreak and depression quickly now. Thanks!
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Aw no problem. Hope all goes well
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