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Description
June

I finish placing the framed pictures of fan art on the wall in our sun room. Daniel is setting up tables while Ryan and Matt are setting up the computers. I sigh as we all finish our tasks and sit down at the kitchen table.

"Finally, the house is fully unpacked." Ryan said as he took a sip of his soda.

I yawn, "I have so much recording to do before Friday."

Matt sit down next to me after he grabs some ice for his soda, "I can help you with some of your editing. Take off some of the work load."

I look at him, "Matt, I can't do that to you. You already have so much with Mark's stuff."

"Well, I am ahead with my videos. Matt shouldn't have anything to edit for a few days and I can even help out with your editing because I'm so ahead." Mark explains as he walks down the stairs.

I look up from my cup and breathe in, "You sure guys? I have to have a month worth of videos before I leave this Friday."

"I'm sure." Matt and Mark say at almost the same time.

~~

The week is filled with me making videos and Mark and Matt editing them as I make them.

At the end of the week I have at least twenty-five videos at the ready. It definitely took a lot of recording and editing and a lot of lost sleep, but we did it.

~~

OMG CON

Five AM should not exist. I hate getting up early. I also hate packing. I finish packing my bag for the weekend at OMG Con. I look to the bed Mark and I sleep in. He is still asleep. I sigh and carry my bag down the stairs and out the door.

In the parking lot, Brett, Nate and Morgan are waiting for me. I put my bags into the trunk and slid in the back seat next to Morgan. On our way to the airport, we go and pick up Xander.

~~

HOLY SHIT LAX is a nightmare. There are people everywhere! It takes forever to get through TSA. We are always getting noticed by fans, which is nice, but really time consuming to get to the plane gate. We reach our gate and we immediately have to board the plane. Nate sits by the window, Morgan sits in the middle and I sit next to her. Brett and Xander sit behind us with a random stranger. After we reach three thousand feet in the air, I pull my phone out and listen to my music as I fall back asleep.

I wake up about thirty minutes before the plane lands. I look over to my left and I see Morgan and Nate sleeping on each other's shoulder. It looks cute. I take my phone out of my back pocket and take a picture to post when we land.

I wake the two of them up and turn off my phone so we can land. The plane lands and the five of us get off the plane and easily make it outside. I lean against the wall of the airport, enjoying the cool air of Nashville while I try to brush off the tiredness.

We have to drive two hours to Kentucky to get to our hotel. This is going to suck.

Morgan comes up to me, "Are you okay? All you have done is sleep today."

I open my eyes and give a tired smile, "I'm fine. I'm just so tired."

"Why?"

"I recorded and edited twenty five videos in the span of four days." I explain as I push myself off the wall as our rental car pulls up.

Morgan gets into the driver's seat and I sit in the passenger seat while the boys get in the back.

It's quiet for a while until Morgan decides to yell out randomly, "YESTERDAY WAS THE DAY I HAD FUN WITH CIMPANZIES!!!!"

I flinch in my spot where I sit as everyone else burst out laughing.

"WHY! WHY!" I shout as I start laughing too.

"I don't know! It was too quiet in here." Morgan turned back to the road, keeping her eye on traffic as she drives.

Nate leans forward from the middle seat in the back and gives her a kiss on the cheek, "This is why I love you. You're so random at the randomest of times."

I turn to see behind me, "Being random is my thing! MY THING! She cannot be random!"

"She's more random than you!" Nate shouted at me.

I unbuckle my seatbelt and reach behind me to hit Nate. He leans back to protect himself from my wrath. "Morgan! She's attacking me!"

"Kids, behave or I will turn this car around so fast!" Morgan playfully yells at us.

Nate and I calm down and I sit back down in my seat. There is a quiet moment before Nate and I simultaneously say together, "Yes mom."

Xander bursts out laughing, "Woah! When did this happen?!"

We all laugh loudly and it is pretty much like this the rest the ride.

We reach the hotel and all of us immediately crash. Not even caring who crashed where.

~~

Someone yanks the blanket off of me and I curl up into a ball, hissing at the light coming from the windows.

"Come on, Y/N. You need to get up. We have a meet and greet at twelve. It's ten. You need to get up and get ready." Nate tells me as I sit up.

I rub my eyes as Morgan comes out of the bathroom drying her fading blue hair. She points at me, signaling that it is my turn to use it.

I go through my bag and pull out a black tank top and a loose fitting F/C shirt that hangs over one shoulder. I grab a pair of black leggings to go with it. Along with those, I take my travel shampoo, conditioner and body wash out and make my way to the bathroom.

As the water warms up, I brush out my hair. I should get it cut. It's so long compared to when I first moved out to LA. It used to be so short. Like so short that from behind, you thought that I was a guy with longish hair.

I hop into my shower and take it quickly. After all we have a lot of things to do today. I wash up and get out. I quickly get dressed and I walk out of the bathroom while drying my hair.

I sit on one of the beds and I notice that five of us squeezed onto two beds last night. Xander brought an air mattress so he didn't have to invade my space at night even though I told him it would be okay. Brett said that he was okay with sleeping on the couch, and no one fought him on that.

"So... Where do we eat?" Brett asked from the couch.

"MickyD's?" I suggest.

Everyone agrees and we get McDonalds on the way to the convention center. We get there at eleven-thirty. Thirty minutes before our meet and greet.

I sit in my seat next to Nate and Morgan sits kind of between/behind us. Brett and Xander sit in their seats further down the table. We all talk and joke around for a while before the fans begin to show up.

~~

"Hi! What's your name?!" I smile to the hundredth fan that has greeted me today.

She hands me my signature shirt and smiles back at me, "My name is Amanda! Nice to meet you!"

I grab my now dying sharpie, "Hi Amanda! So tell me, what is your favorite thing about the channel?"

"I love your skit videos and music videos!" She tells me.

I sign the shirt and hand it back to her, "Nice! Wanna picture?"

"Yes, please!"

I stand up and take a selfie with her and then wave her off.

~~

"Hi!" A short chubby boy walks up to the side of my table and gives me a hug.

I quickly hug him back, "Hi! What's your name?"

"Brendan."

"What's your favorite thing about the channel?"

"You and how you were able to overcome you fear of telling everybody about your conditions." He tells me as he hands me a painting he made.

I take a look at the painting. There were a bunch of blank people labeled as Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Hypersensitivity, ADHD, and PTSD and in the middle is me fighting all of them off. It looks badass to be honest.

"This looks awesome! It's so good Brendan! Did you paint it yourself?"

He nods, "You showed me that I can overcome my insecurity about being fat and ignore all the hate I get because of it." He tells me, "Can I get a picture?"

I take a selfie with him and hug him once more.

~~

A super perky blonde with blue streaks walks up to me with a dark haired boy following behind her. He looks like he would rather be somewhere else.

The blond skips up to me and hands me her phone, "Hi! I'm Brooke! Can you sign my RandomGaming phone case please?!"

I take out my still dying sharpie and sign the mint green case. "Hi! Want a picture?"

"Hell yes!" She shouts as she hands her phone to the guy behind her. She stands next to me and he snaps the picture. "Thanks! Bye!" She waves as she skips off.

~~

I met a lot more people and I was able to get a few video clips of them for a vlog later on this week.

We all decide to go out for pizza tonight and walk around the park nearby at our hotel. I watch Brett, Xander, Morgan and Nate be kids as I sit and play around with the ring still on my finger.

It's been over two years and I still wear the engagement ring from Ronnie. I keep wanting to take it off, but I don't want to. It's strange. Like a part of me still belongs to him and I can't make that part leave him. ..... Why am I even thinking about this? Wearing the ring after he walked out on me never bothered me before. Even while I was with him. Why does it matter now?

I push the thought to the back of my head as I join my friends at the park.

After a while of messing around at the park and becoming a tangled mess with Morgan as I trip over her while running to catch Brett in a stupid game of freeze tag, we decide to go back to the hotel and get some sleep for tomorrow. We have a panel at three. We reach the hotel and Brett sets up his pillows on the couch while Xander blows up his air mattress. Nate is setting up his and Morgan's bed while Morgan cleans the makeup off of her face. I lay down and get comfortable in my bed.

~~

Why haven't I taken off the ring yet? What part of me is still so attached to Ronnie that I can't take this thing off? Why do I suddenly want to take it off? Why is that suddenly so important? Why does it matter?

It's been a few hours since everyone has fallen asleep and this damn ring is keeping me awake. Why? Why is it suddenly so important? I check my phone under the covers of the bed once more. Two fifty-eight. Why can't I sleep?

I hear the covers move and the shuffling of feet from the bed next to me. In a panic, I quickly lock my phone and set it back on the night stand next to me and then pretend to be asleep.

When I think the coast is clear, I sit up and rub my tired eyes. Maybe I can't sleep because my contacts are still in. No that's not it. What is it? Why can't I sleep? I've already established that it's partly because of my ring. But I have summed that up to the insomnia. I sigh and rub my head.

I wish the voices in my head would shut up. The voices all mix together and nothing they say makes any sense. I wish my heart would slow down. It beats so fast that I feel like its tearing me apart. I'm going crazy and I'm having trouble finding a way out. I am placed under the spell of all my sicknesses. They are making the mirror show somebody else that I don't know. I am in hell. But not just any hell, it's special. It's a fucking monster.

The toilet flushes and Morgan walks out of the bathroom. She looks to me, "Insomnia?" I nod as she walks back over to her bed. She arranges a few pillows as I lay down to try to get some sleep. I close my eyes when the covers lift from my right. "Scoot over." She whispers to me as she climbs into the bed next to me.

"Why?" I ask.

"I know how your mental issues work. Nate told me when we started dating. He made it clear that he would drop everything he was doing to make sure you were alright. And he also told me how to help you if he couldn't." She smiles at me, "He's a good friend. He's your brother."

I smile as she closes her eyes and falls asleep next to me. I close my eyes and I can get some peace and I fall asleep as well.

~~

We all wake up at about nine the next morning and get ready for the day. I rub my tired eyes on the way to the convention center. I fucking hate insomnia. It keeps you up all night with false worries and then you're tired all day.

We walk around the floor of the convention center while meeting fans and getting some cool merch from other stands. Our panel starts and I zone most of it out worrying about other things completely. I only step up in a conversation if I had to. I only answer questions if they are directed at me. I am just out of it today worrying about my damn engagement ring. I was never a fucking problem until now! Why does it fucking matter!

The panel ends and I am happy that we leave tomorrow. I obviously need some time to collect my thoughts before I result to desperate measures. Now that I think about it, my skin itches for that sting of the blade. I want it to cut into my skin. I want it so bad.

"Y/N!" Brett grabs my attention as she shouts my name.

I shake my head clear, "Sorry. What?"

"Where do you want to go for dinner? Everyone else was thinking Golden Coral." Xander catches me up.

"Um..." I begin to think, "Yeah. That sounds good." I say as I step in the car.

Nate sits next to me and Brett squishes next to him. Morgan sits in the passenger seat while Xander drives.

I tune out the conversation and look out the window. I watch Kentucky pass by until my phone vibrates with a text message.

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and see that the text is from Nate.

N: What's up with you? You've been quiet. Wanna talk about it?
T: I'm fine. Don't worry about it, okay.
N: We both know you're not fine. Come on Y/N, I know you too well. What's up?
T: Leave it alone, Nathan.

I never call him Nathan unless I am warning him of something.

N: OKAY THEN! We will talk this out later. I won't do it in front of everyone but you need to talk about whatever is bothering you. I see you scratching at your old scars. You need to talk to someone about whatever is wrong with you. If you don't want to talk to ME about it, that's okay. But please talk to someone.
T: I don't need to talk to anyone. I'M FINE!

Our text conversation ends as we pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. We all went in and payed for ourselves and ate our hearts out. It is an all you can eat buffet after all.

~~

We came back to the hotel at about nine. It is midnight now and everyone is asleep. I grab my key card and walk out the door to take a short walk. I walk to the nearby park and sit on one of the swings. I begin to slowly swing on it trying to collect my thoughts.

Suddenly someone pushes my back and I look behind me to see Nate.

"Nathan, I told you I didn't want to talk about it." I almost shout at him.

"I know, Y/N. But I know you too well." He says as he reaches into my back pocket to pull out the pocket knife I have. Damn! "Now tell me, what were you going to do with this?" He comes to stand in front of me.

"Clear my head." I look down to the ground, tears beginning to well in my eyes. I don't know where they're coming from though, "The voices in my head will not shut up. My heart beats is way too fast. I feel as if that's all I can hear sometimes. My sickness places me under a spell and I cannot recognize who I see in the mirror. It's a fucking monster I see. I'm going crazy and its hell. It's fucking hell, Nathan! It's fucking hell. And worse of all, I don't know why I'm suddenly losing it now. I was fine a few days ago. And now my ring is bothering me. It didn't bother me then, it didn't bother me in May when I was with him. Why is everything bothering me now?"

Now I know where the tears are coming from. They are coming from the anger from being so frustrated and it sucks.

Nate hugs me and tries to calm me down. "Well I don't know much about what is going on inside your head but, I think its separation anxiety."

I rub my puffy eyes on his shoulder and sniff, "What?"

He pulls away and sits on the swing next to me, "Well, since... Kara... you've never really been away from Mark. At all. Maybe a few hours at most but that's pretty much it. I also think the separation is making you realize a few things."

"Like what?" I wipe my eyes once more, the tears still streaming down my face from frustration.

"Like the fact that you might love Mark. That you need him. Remember when Morgan and I started hanging out all the time?" He asked, "And then she had to go somewhere for a few weeks and I was so fucked up because she was gone. While she was gone, I realized that I love her and I need her in my life. I figured that out with the separation and I think the separation from Mark is doing the same to you. You just have to come to terms with it and figure out if you really love him or not." He explained, "You might need him in your life as much I need Morgan. Or as much as we need each other, Y/N. But you have to decide if you're ready to let go of Ronnie and even him."

The him he is referring to is Mystery Guy. He knows it and I know it. I may say that I've let go of them. But honestly, I haven't. I still wear the engagement ring from Ronnie. I haven't let him go because he's been through so much with me even though we are not together anymore.

It's quiet for a while. But it's not awkward, angry, sad or tense. It's just comfortable. We sit and slightly swing ourselves.

"So..." I begin, "Is sleep on the table tonight?"

Nate chuckles, "Nope. It is two seventeen. You took an hour walk and we talked for about thirty minutes and sat in silence for an hour. It will take an hour to get back to the hotel. If we go to sleep when we get back we won't get up in the morning."

"Yeah, we have to be up at six, drive two hours to the airport in Nashville so we can catch our plane at nine thirty."

"We can sleep on the plane." He smiles at me, "So... coffee?"

~~

We walk into the airport at around nine. It takes twenty minutes to get through TSA this time. We all have at least ten minutes of down time at the plane gate.

When we board the plane, I end up getting the window seat, Nate sits in the middle and Morgan sits in the aisle seat. Brett and Xander sit behind us like last time.

The plane takes off and Nate immediately falls asleep. I, however cannot. Even after staying up all night.

The plane ride is very long and boring for me. I cannot fall asleep and I still don't know why. Maybe Nate is right.

~~

The plane lands at LAX and I push through everybody to get to baggage claim. I just want to go home for a few days. I get to baggage claim and see Mark standing there with my bag.

I run up to hug him and he hugs me back. We leave the airport together and go home. On the way home I relax and fall asleep in the car as Mark drives.

Maybe I do love Mark.

Words: 3521 (I got carried away!)
Published: Wednesday, November 1, 2017 at

Description
June

I finish placing the framed pictures of fan art on the wall in our sun room. Daniel is setting up tables while Ryan and Matt are setting up the computers. I sigh as we all finish our tasks and sit down at the kitchen table.

"Finally, the house is fully unpacked." Ryan said as he took a sip of his soda.

I yawn, "I have so much recording to do before Friday."

Matt sit down next to me after he grabs some ice for his soda, "I can help you with some of your editing. Take off some of the work load."

I look at him, "Matt, I can't do that to you. You already have so much with Mark's stuff."

"Well, I am ahead with my videos. Matt shouldn't have anything to edit for a few days and I can even help out with your editing because I'm so ahead." Mark explains as he walks down the stairs.

I look up from my cup and breathe in, "You sure guys? I have to have a month worth of videos before I leave this Friday."

"I'm sure." Matt and Mark say at almost the same time.

~~

The week is filled with me making videos and Mark and Matt editing them as I make them.

At the end of the week I have at least twenty-five videos at the ready. It definitely took a lot of recording and editing and a lot of lost sleep, but we did it.

~~

OMG CON

Five AM should not exist. I hate getting up early. I also hate packing. I finish packing my bag for the weekend at OMG Con. I look to the bed Mark and I sleep in. He is still asleep. I sigh and carry my bag down the stairs and out the door.

In the parking lot, Brett, Nate and Morgan are waiting for me. I put my bags into the trunk and slid in the back seat next to Morgan. On our way to the airport, we go and pick up Xander.

~~

HOLY SHIT LAX is a nightmare. There are people everywhere! It takes forever to get through TSA. We are always getting noticed by fans, which is nice, but really time consuming to get to the plane gate. We reach our gate and we immediately have to board the plane. Nate sits by the window, Morgan sits in the middle and I sit next to her. Brett and Xander sit behind us with a random stranger. After we reach three thousand feet in the air, I pull my phone out and listen to my music as I fall back asleep.

I wake up about thirty minutes before the plane lands. I look over to my left and I see Morgan and Nate sleeping on each other's shoulder. It looks cute. I take my phone out of my back pocket and take a picture to post when we land.

I wake the two of them up and turn off my phone so we can land. The plane lands and the five of us get off the plane and easily make it outside. I lean against the wall of the airport, enjoying the cool air of Nashville while I try to brush off the tiredness.

We have to drive two hours to Kentucky to get to our hotel. This is going to suck.

Morgan comes up to me, "Are you okay? All you have done is sleep today."

I open my eyes and give a tired smile, "I'm fine. I'm just so tired."

"Why?"

"I recorded and edited twenty five videos in the span of four days." I explain as I push myself off the wall as our rental car pulls up.

Morgan gets into the driver's seat and I sit in the passenger seat while the boys get in the back.

It's quiet for a while until Morgan decides to yell out randomly, "YESTERDAY WAS THE DAY I HAD FUN WITH CIMPANZIES!!!!"

I flinch in my spot where I sit as everyone else burst out laughing.

"WHY! WHY!" I shout as I start laughing too.

"I don't know! It was too quiet in here." Morgan turned back to the road, keeping her eye on traffic as she drives.

Nate leans forward from the middle seat in the back and gives her a kiss on the cheek, "This is why I love you. You're so random at the randomest of times."

I turn to see behind me, "Being random is my thing! MY THING! She cannot be random!"

"She's more random than you!" Nate shouted at me.

I unbuckle my seatbelt and reach behind me to hit Nate. He leans back to protect himself from my wrath. "Morgan! She's attacking me!"

"Kids, behave or I will turn this car around so fast!" Morgan playfully yells at us.

Nate and I calm down and I sit back down in my seat. There is a quiet moment before Nate and I simultaneously say together, "Yes mom."

Xander bursts out laughing, "Woah! When did this happen?!"

We all laugh loudly and it is pretty much like this the rest the ride.

We reach the hotel and all of us immediately crash. Not even caring who crashed where.

~~

Someone yanks the blanket off of me and I curl up into a ball, hissing at the light coming from the windows.

"Come on, Y/N. You need to get up. We have a meet and greet at twelve. It's ten. You need to get up and get ready." Nate tells me as I sit up.

I rub my eyes as Morgan comes out of the bathroom drying her fading blue hair. She points at me, signaling that it is my turn to use it.

I go through my bag and pull out a black tank top and a loose fitting F/C shirt that hangs over one shoulder. I grab a pair of black leggings to go with it. Along with those, I take my travel shampoo, conditioner and body wash out and make my way to the bathroom.

As the water warms up, I brush out my hair. I should get it cut. It's so long compared to when I first moved out to LA. It used to be so short. Like so short that from behind, you thought that I was a guy with longish hair.

I hop into my shower and take it quickly. After all we have a lot of things to do today. I wash up and get out. I quickly get dressed and I walk out of the bathroom while drying my hair.

I sit on one of the beds and I notice that five of us squeezed onto two beds last night. Xander brought an air mattress so he didn't have to invade my space at night even though I told him it would be okay. Brett said that he was okay with sleeping on the couch, and no one fought him on that.

"So... Where do we eat?" Brett asked from the couch.

"MickyD's?" I suggest.

Everyone agrees and we get McDonalds on the way to the convention center. We get there at eleven-thirty. Thirty minutes before our meet and greet.

I sit in my seat next to Nate and Morgan sits kind of between/behind us. Brett and Xander sit in their seats further down the table. We all talk and joke around for a while before the fans begin to show up.

~~

"Hi! What's your name?!" I smile to the hundredth fan that has greeted me today.

She hands me my signature shirt and smiles back at me, "My name is Amanda! Nice to meet you!"

I grab my now dying sharpie, "Hi Amanda! So tell me, what is your favorite thing about the channel?"

"I love your skit videos and music videos!" She tells me.

I sign the shirt and hand it back to her, "Nice! Wanna picture?"

"Yes, please!"

I stand up and take a selfie with her and then wave her off.

~~

"Hi!" A short chubby boy walks up to the side of my table and gives me a hug.

I quickly hug him back, "Hi! What's your name?"

"Brendan."

"What's your favorite thing about the channel?"

"You and how you were able to overcome you fear of telling everybody about your conditions." He tells me as he hands me a painting he made.

I take a look at the painting. There were a bunch of blank people labeled as Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Hypersensitivity, ADHD, and PTSD and in the middle is me fighting all of them off. It looks badass to be honest.

"This looks awesome! It's so good Brendan! Did you paint it yourself?"

He nods, "You showed me that I can overcome my insecurity about being fat and ignore all the hate I get because of it." He tells me, "Can I get a picture?"

I take a selfie with him and hug him once more.

~~

A super perky blonde with blue streaks walks up to me with a dark haired boy following behind her. He looks like he would rather be somewhere else.

The blond skips up to me and hands me her phone, "Hi! I'm Brooke! Can you sign my RandomGaming phone case please?!"

I take out my still dying sharpie and sign the mint green case. "Hi! Want a picture?"

"Hell yes!" She shouts as she hands her phone to the guy behind her. She stands next to me and he snaps the picture. "Thanks! Bye!" She waves as she skips off.

~~

I met a lot more people and I was able to get a few video clips of them for a vlog later on this week.

We all decide to go out for pizza tonight and walk around the park nearby at our hotel. I watch Brett, Xander, Morgan and Nate be kids as I sit and play around with the ring still on my finger.

It's been over two years and I still wear the engagement ring from Ronnie. I keep wanting to take it off, but I don't want to. It's strange. Like a part of me still belongs to him and I can't make that part leave him. ..... Why am I even thinking about this? Wearing the ring after he walked out on me never bothered me before. Even while I was with him. Why does it matter now?

I push the thought to the back of my head as I join my friends at the park.

After a while of messing around at the park and becoming a tangled mess with Morgan as I trip over her while running to catch Brett in a stupid game of freeze tag, we decide to go back to the hotel and get some sleep for tomorrow. We have a panel at three. We reach the hotel and Brett sets up his pillows on the couch while Xander blows up his air mattress. Nate is setting up his and Morgan's bed while Morgan cleans the makeup off of her face. I lay down and get comfortable in my bed.

~~

Why haven't I taken off the ring yet? What part of me is still so attached to Ronnie that I can't take this thing off? Why do I suddenly want to take it off? Why is that suddenly so important? Why does it matter?

It's been a few hours since everyone has fallen asleep and this damn ring is keeping me awake. Why? Why is it suddenly so important? I check my phone under the covers of the bed once more. Two fifty-eight. Why can't I sleep?

I hear the covers move and the shuffling of feet from the bed next to me. In a panic, I quickly lock my phone and set it back on the night stand next to me and then pretend to be asleep.

When I think the coast is clear, I sit up and rub my tired eyes. Maybe I can't sleep because my contacts are still in. No that's not it. What is it? Why can't I sleep? I've already established that it's partly because of my ring. But I have summed that up to the insomnia. I sigh and rub my head.

I wish the voices in my head would shut up. The voices all mix together and nothing they say makes any sense. I wish my heart would slow down. It beats so fast that I feel like its tearing me apart. I'm going crazy and I'm having trouble finding a way out. I am placed under the spell of all my sicknesses. They are making the mirror show somebody else that I don't know. I am in hell. But not just any hell, it's special. It's a fucking monster.

The toilet flushes and Morgan walks out of the bathroom. She looks to me, "Insomnia?" I nod as she walks back over to her bed. She arranges a few pillows as I lay down to try to get some sleep. I close my eyes when the covers lift from my right. "Scoot over." She whispers to me as she climbs into the bed next to me.

"Why?" I ask.

"I know how your mental issues work. Nate told me when we started dating. He made it clear that he would drop everything he was doing to make sure you were alright. And he also told me how to help you if he couldn't." She smiles at me, "He's a good friend. He's your brother."

I smile as she closes her eyes and falls asleep next to me. I close my eyes and I can get some peace and I fall asleep as well.

~~

We all wake up at about nine the next morning and get ready for the day. I rub my tired eyes on the way to the convention center. I fucking hate insomnia. It keeps you up all night with false worries and then you're tired all day.

We walk around the floor of the convention center while meeting fans and getting some cool merch from other stands. Our panel starts and I zone most of it out worrying about other things completely. I only step up in a conversation if I had to. I only answer questions if they are directed at me. I am just out of it today worrying about my damn engagement ring. I was never a fucking problem until now! Why does it fucking matter!

The panel ends and I am happy that we leave tomorrow. I obviously need some time to collect my thoughts before I result to desperate measures. Now that I think about it, my skin itches for that sting of the blade. I want it to cut into my skin. I want it so bad.

"Y/N!" Brett grabs my attention as she shouts my name.

I shake my head clear, "Sorry. What?"

"Where do you want to go for dinner? Everyone else was thinking Golden Coral." Xander catches me up.

"Um..." I begin to think, "Yeah. That sounds good." I say as I step in the car.

Nate sits next to me and Brett squishes next to him. Morgan sits in the passenger seat while Xander drives.

I tune out the conversation and look out the window. I watch Kentucky pass by until my phone vibrates with a text message.

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and see that the text is from Nate.

N: What's up with you? You've been quiet. Wanna talk about it?
T: I'm fine. Don't worry about it, okay.
N: We both know you're not fine. Come on Y/N, I know you too well. What's up?
T: Leave it alone, Nathan.

I never call him Nathan unless I am warning him of something.

N: OKAY THEN! We will talk this out later. I won't do it in front of everyone but you need to talk about whatever is bothering you. I see you scratching at your old scars. You need to talk to someone about whatever is wrong with you. If you don't want to talk to ME about it, that's okay. But please talk to someone.
T: I don't need to talk to anyone. I'M FINE!

Our text conversation ends as we pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. We all went in and payed for ourselves and ate our hearts out. It is an all you can eat buffet after all.

~~

We came back to the hotel at about nine. It is midnight now and everyone is asleep. I grab my key card and walk out the door to take a short walk. I walk to the nearby park and sit on one of the swings. I begin to slowly swing on it trying to collect my thoughts.

Suddenly someone pushes my back and I look behind me to see Nate.

"Nathan, I told you I didn't want to talk about it." I almost shout at him.

"I know, Y/N. But I know you too well." He says as he reaches into my back pocket to pull out the pocket knife I have. Damn! "Now tell me, what were you going to do with this?" He comes to stand in front of me.

"Clear my head." I look down to the ground, tears beginning to well in my eyes. I don't know where they're coming from though, "The voices in my head will not shut up. My heart beats is way too fast. I feel as if that's all I can hear sometimes. My sickness places me under a spell and I cannot recognize who I see in the mirror. It's a fucking monster I see. I'm going crazy and its hell. It's fucking hell, Nathan! It's fucking hell. And worse of all, I don't know why I'm suddenly losing it now. I was fine a few days ago. And now my ring is bothering me. It didn't bother me then, it didn't bother me in May when I was with him. Why is everything bothering me now?"

Now I know where the tears are coming from. They are coming from the anger from being so frustrated and it sucks.

Nate hugs me and tries to calm me down. "Well I don't know much about what is going on inside your head but, I think its separation anxiety."

I rub my puffy eyes on his shoulder and sniff, "What?"

He pulls away and sits on the swing next to me, "Well, since... Kara... you've never really been away from Mark. At all. Maybe a few hours at most but that's pretty much it. I also think the separation is making you realize a few things."

"Like what?" I wipe my eyes once more, the tears still streaming down my face from frustration.

"Like the fact that you might love Mark. That you need him. Remember when Morgan and I started hanging out all the time?" He asked, "And then she had to go somewhere for a few weeks and I was so fucked up because she was gone. While she was gone, I realized that I love her and I need her in my life. I figured that out with the separation and I think the separation from Mark is doing the same to you. You just have to come to terms with it and figure out if you really love him or not." He explained, "You might need him in your life as much I need Morgan. Or as much as we need each other, Y/N. But you have to decide if you're ready to let go of Ronnie and even him."

The him he is referring to is Mystery Guy. He knows it and I know it. I may say that I've let go of them. But honestly, I haven't. I still wear the engagement ring from Ronnie. I haven't let him go because he's been through so much with me even though we are not together anymore.

It's quiet for a while. But it's not awkward, angry, sad or tense. It's just comfortable. We sit and slightly swing ourselves.

"So..." I begin, "Is sleep on the table tonight?"

Nate chuckles, "Nope. It is two seventeen. You took an hour walk and we talked for about thirty minutes and sat in silence for an hour. It will take an hour to get back to the hotel. If we go to sleep when we get back we won't get up in the morning."

"Yeah, we have to be up at six, drive two hours to the airport in Nashville so we can catch our plane at nine thirty."

"We can sleep on the plane." He smiles at me, "So... coffee?"

~~

We walk into the airport at around nine. It takes twenty minutes to get through TSA this time. We all have at least ten minutes of down time at the plane gate.

When we board the plane, I end up getting the window seat, Nate sits in the middle and Morgan sits in the aisle seat. Brett and Xander sit behind us like last time.

The plane takes off and Nate immediately falls asleep. I, however cannot. Even after staying up all night.

The plane ride is very long and boring for me. I cannot fall asleep and I still don't know why. Maybe Nate is right.

~~

The plane lands at LAX and I push through everybody to get to baggage claim. I just want to go home for a few days. I get to baggage claim and see Mark standing there with my bag.

I run up to hug him and he hugs me back. We leave the airport together and go home. On the way home I relax and fall asleep in the car as Mark drives.

Maybe I do love Mark.

Words: 3521 (I got carried away!)
Published: Wednesday, November 1, 2017 at