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RedFawkes — Tired Eyes
Published: 2010-04-05 14:37:36 +0000 UTC; Views: 452; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 1
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Description
She twists the showerhead aroundand leans defeatedly against cold tiles,
letting stinging water
spray across her skin.
Shades of pink and red spread swiftly,
like marks left by angry hands.
She rubs her tired eyes
and stays in the shower
just a little bit longer than usual,
so that you can't tell
if she's been crying.
Her eyelashes bead with water,
and she presses a towel
very gently
against her face.
She spends too long
in front of the mirror
and wears sunglasses
when she leaves the house.
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Comments: 23
urgh. Well, that's a shame. It was intended as when you're in the shower too long, and the water's a bit too hot, and your skin turns all red and pink from the hot water... but maybe that is just pale people?
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Well, it doesn't really evoke blood in this particular poem, but I never really payed much attention to that phenomenon.
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Phenomenon, lol.
idk, just when the water's really hot, my feet and legs turn all pink... weird to say, I know.
I was just making the connection between that and the way it looks when someone slaps your face. Like too much blush, sometimes.
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Ahh. Well I hadn't made that connection.
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Love this
The angry hands works fine and doesn't suggest physical abuse as you said "like" before it, so it pushes that image out your head if it pops up
Really good work!
Joseph x
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Joseph, thank you so much!
I'm very glad to hear that; thanks for your feedback.
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I just felt a sense of loneliness when I read this. The line "Shades of pink and red spread swiftly" actually reminded me of how your skin appears to turn a reddish colour under hot water, and the "like marks left by angry hands." just intensified the pressure of the water and heat. For me, anyway.
I don't get a sense of abuse at all for the most part. Just a feeling of emptiness.
However, I didn't enjoy the final lines - "and wears sunglasses when she leaves the house". I can't explain why, it just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, it's the only line that made me think of abuse actually.
But I love it
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Thank you very much.
And yes, you're quite right; "Shades of pink and red spread swiftly" was meant as a reference to skin affected by the hot water. I'm also very happy to hear that the "angry hands" line added to this imagery for you.
It was meant to be about emptiness and defeat (emotionally drained, as was said by ~evilrulerofpeanuts ); if you have read A Certain Slant of Light by Laura Whitcomb, you will know what I am talking about.
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Defeat is uniquely expressed, and I do not feel that "angry hands" or any other part exceeds this idea. It only brings physical imagery to the thought and idea of "defeat" itself.
I like the pauses after each phrase, it makes those words stand out. I can't specifically say where, but try not to end a line on a weak word. I guess you can try to make the lines more uniform for a better sense of rhythm, but it's up to you. The broken lines make the visual link to a broken person.
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Thank you - I am so glad that the physical imagery was evident to you, and that there was a visual link from structure to concept.
I will try to pay more attention to weak endings, as they are not always immediately evident.
Thank you for the feedback!
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:iconthewrittenrevoluiton:
well... i'm sorry to say that i got a very clear impression of physical abuse. ;/ there is a suggestion that her face is tender, and also that she has something [like a bruise] to hide behind her sunglasses, which implies to me that she has been struck. the hint that she might have been crying reinforces this.
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Yes, I did have a difficult time with this one. As I said, I wanted emotional defeat to mirror the concept of abuse, in a way.
It was challenging, so thank you for your feedback.
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i know exactly how this feels. It explains it perfectly. the defeat almost sounds like abuse, but you did describe it right. i guess the two can be related
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Thank you, Sarah-Belle. I'm glad I conveyed the feeling well.
I was trying to parallel abuse and emotional emptiness, so I'm glad that my description at least came close.
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To me angry hands does leave a sense of confrontation, but it also connotes violence and abuse. The flow of the first half is very good with all the sibilance, and then it slows down, but that is a good thing. Slow for the calm and the waiting in front of the mirror.
As to the defeat that is not what I perceive. To me she hides the fact if she has lost, and so I see it as momentary. that to me conveys the loss of a battle, not the war.
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Nick - as always, you have gotten right to the heart of it; you always say things better than I ever could.
I'm very pleased that the change in rhythm was perceptible; you're exactly right, as I wanted it to be "Slow for the calm and the waiting in front of the mirror," as you said.
Also, part of the idea behind this was a person feeling intense emotional defeat would have to prepare themselves for their day in order to go through the motions, so to speak. So yes, your reference to losing a battle and not a war was correct.
(If you recall Tilda Swinton's character from Michael Clayton, you will have an idea of what I am talking about.)
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I did get a sense of abuse--the angry hands and wearing sunglasses (which is usually to hide black eyes)--but it wasn't overwhelming. If you flat out don't want that idea to be in the poem, then you would only have to rework it a little.
Otherwise, I thought it had a nice flow and a good representation of the feeling you were looking for.
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Thank you - I'm glad that the feeling was well represented for you.
And yes, sunglasses being used to hide black eyes... I wanted the emotional defeat, the emptiness, to mirror these ideas, in a way.
I realise it's not perfect, but I'm glad that the flow worked out.
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I think you conveyed defeat well, and the breaks work fine.
I did get the impression of physical abuse, though. I think it's the "angry hands" that does it.
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Thank you - I'm glad to hear it.
And yes, that phrase did worry me a bit.
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i like this quite a bit, although it sounded much more like abuse to me than just being drained. either way, it's lovely
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Thank you - I'm glad you liked it.
And yes, I had some difficulty paralleling abuse without alluding to it.
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