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Description
As A Mother...
Phrase to be employed to give weight to any political argument (e.g. “as a mother, I think we should teach those Iraqis a lesson”).

Banking
(see Free Market)

Charity
A selfless act of generosity towards someone worse off than myself which I should be heartily congratulated upon. Not to be confused with a serious political solution to the cause (see Communist).

Collateral Damage
The accidental slaughter of people who you were meant to be liberating.  Don’t worry, they know it’s for the greater good and won’t happen again.

Communist
Anyone who wants life to be better for people poorer than I am (synonyms- Liberal, Socialist, Democrat (US),).

Contraception
Unnatural protection that doesn’t work.

Democracy
The most free system of government, in which nations can choose any leader they like from the two almost identical ones who’ve made enough promises to big businesses to receive the funds necessary to stand, and campaign nationally.

Democrat (US)
(see Communist)

Dinosaurs
Made up creatures. The Universe didn’t exist until much later.

Dirty
(synonyms- disgusting, filthy, unclean) Word used to express something that one disagrees with, but cannot give a coherent reason why (“that film was so dirty”).

Eccentric
A rich, educated person with a slanted, imaginative world view (working class equivalent- raving lunatic).

Euthanasia
An evil practice which deprives the joy of life from terminal patients in constant suffering, who don’t realise how lucky they are to be alive.

Evolution
A nonsensical theory that explains how creatures develop characteristics based on survival of the fittest, and tiny gene mutations going back millions of words. Self-evidently wrong as the world only goes back roughly six thousand years

Fossils
Like dinosaurs, these don’t exist, as the Universe didn’t begin when they were supposedly created. They were probably all secretly planted by Liberal hoaxers.

Fossil Fuels
Such as coal, oil and gas. Created by organic matter trapped under the surface for millions of years...Hang on, a minute...

Free Market
Ideology that feeds on people’s natural motivations to make a better living, and competition between companies. Occasionally this results in a recession or depression, but the government will always bail us out and we’ll start all over again. Don’t worry when this happens. No-one important will be affected.

Friendly Fire
A regrettable incident in which you inadvertently drop a bomb on your comrades or allies. Still, they know it’s all part of the game.

Global Warming
Another conspiracy theory started by car-hating liberal hippies, and lightbulb manufacturers.

Gun (esp. US)
A vital tool that should be kept free and legal in order to defend ourselves against other people who can freely and legally buy them.

Harry Potter
A wicked bespectacled child who seeks to spread witchcraft amongst our children.

Homosexuality
(See Leviticus, Unnatural)

Immigration
An influx of work-shy foreigners looking for hand-outs. This practice should be halted now. In fact, it should have halted just after my family came here.

Jesus
Our Lord and saviour who spoke of pacifism, sharing, forgiving enemies, healing the sick, treating all human beings with dignity and compassion, and many other things that He probably didn’t mean.

Jews
Evil, greedy race who crucified Jesus Christ, who’s also Jewish. But that’s not important.

Islam
A sick and twisted religion based on the Koran- which I’ve never read.

Leviticus
Book of the Bible that expressly forbids homosexuality, instructs boys to be circumcised and forbids eating non-kosher foods. You can ignore the last two. He probably wants us to pick and choose.

Liberal
(see Communist)

Liberating
The use of armed force to replace a foreign government with one friendly to you and your business interests. Don’t worry if you have to slaughter thousands of people for this, and the survivors don’t actually realise that they have been liberated. They’ll thank you eventually.

Liberty
My freedom to spend money freely and with as little interference as possible. Your freedom to have to work for me, and earn as little as I can get away with paying you.

Lynch Mob
A correctly applied form of democratic justice from back in the good ol’ days.

Masturbation
A dirty act of sexual self-pleasure that, in the case of a male, denies the God-given right to life to many of his several million spermatozoa.

Nationalization
(see Communist) System in which everyone chips into and receives the same service. Is ineffective as it denies business freedoms, and gives no competitive motivation to the institutions in question, therefore it should only be used for our most important institutions such as the police, military and judiciary- and occasionally to prop up vital failed businesses.

Natural Disasters
If a major hurricane or forest fire hits, then don’t worry, this won’t eat into your taxes. As long as it hits poor, black people, that is. For rich, white people, such as ourselves, the government will always find a way. If, for some bizarre reason you feel bad about this then remember the cleansing power of charity.

Nudity
Deplorable state of undress which shows us how God intended.

Our Children
As in “think of the effect this will have on our children”. This actually means ‘your children’- mine are clearly alright because they’ve got good parents. Used throughout recent history to express panic at things such as video games, pornography, violent or sexual films, rude words, heavy metal, rock ‘n’ roll, jazz (in fact, any music genre), comic books etc. etc.

Profit
The force that makes the world go round. More important, even, than the family, religion, and a true measure of patriotism. If you don’t have the freedom to make loads of money, then you have no freedom at all. So, if you want to move thousands of jobs to the far east where you can pay less wages, then go for it! Anyone who loses their job will understand that you’re simply exercising your liberty.

S*x
Dirty act that’s regrettably necessary for continuation of the species. Should only be practised by a married couple (that is, a male and female). Be sure to keep the lights off, not to enjoy yourself, and pray for your mortal souls afterwards.

Socialist
(see Communist)

Strength
The commendable will of a politician to do what’s in my best interests at the expense of those poorer than me, or to send troops he neither knows, nor cares about, off to fight.

Strike
The downing of tools by selfish ingrates who don’t appreciate the pay and conditions we generously allow them in order for them to make lots of money for us.

Taliban
How were we supposed to know that ploughing millions upon millions of taxpayer’s money into arming extremist Islamic groups would backfire? We’ve not psychic, you know.

Terrorism
(see Taliban)

Torture
A practice we use to help us otherthrow wicked regimes (and we know they’re wicked- because they torture people).

Unemployment
Situation that affects people who are too lazy to feed their families or afford basic necessities.

Unnatural
Similar to dirty; A technological advance that you dislike but can’t give a reasonable argument why (e.g. contraception). Not to be confused with advances such as the automobile, and computer, or thousands of others, which are perfectly natural.
Also applies to behaviour that you don’t indulge in, yourself (e.g. homosexuality) or, at least, you keep quiet if you do.

Violence
Something that should be encouraged in real life (by the correct authorities) but kept off TV at all costs.

Women’s Rights
Something I’ve started caring deeply about since this gives us a reason to attack the towelheads.

Working Class (esp. UK)
Uneducated, sponging hooligans who are regrettably necessary to keep around to do menial tasks such as clean the streets, sell and produce household goods, produce power, fight in our wars, pay our taxes (at least the few who aren’t benefit cheats) and other miscellaneous things that I don’t need to worry about.

Description
As A Mother...
Phrase to be employed to give weight to any political argument (e.g. “as a mother, I think we should teach those Iraqis a lesson”).

Banking
(see Free Market)

Charity
A selfless act of generosity towards someone worse off than myself which I should be heartily congratulated upon. Not to be confused with a serious political solution to the cause (see Communist).

Collateral Damage
The accidental slaughter of people who you were meant to be liberating.  Don’t worry, they know it’s for the greater good and won’t happen again.

Communist
Anyone who wants life to be better for people poorer than I am (synonyms- Liberal, Socialist, Democrat (US),).

Contraception
Unnatural protection that doesn’t work.

Democracy
The most free system of government, in which nations can choose any leader they like from the two almost identical ones who’ve made enough promises to big businesses to receive the funds necessary to stand, and campaign nationally.

Democrat (US)
(see Communist)

Dinosaurs
Made up creatures. The Universe didn’t exist until much later.

Dirty
(synonyms- disgusting, filthy, unclean) Word used to express something that one disagrees with, but cannot give a coherent reason why (“that film was so dirty”).

Eccentric
A rich, educated person with a slanted, imaginative world view (working class equivalent- raving lunatic).

Euthanasia
An evil practice which deprives the joy of life from terminal patients in constant suffering, who don’t realise how lucky they are to be alive.

Evolution
A nonsensical theory that explains how creatures develop characteristics based on survival of the fittest, and tiny gene mutations going back millions of words. Self-evidently wrong as the world only goes back roughly six thousand years

Fossils
Like dinosaurs, these don’t exist, as the Universe didn’t begin when they were supposedly created. They were probably all secretly planted by Liberal hoaxers.

Fossil Fuels
Such as coal, oil and gas. Created by organic matter trapped under the surface for millions of years...Hang on, a minute...

Free Market
Ideology that feeds on people’s natural motivations to make a better living, and competition between companies. Occasionally this results in a recession or depression, but the government will always bail us out and we’ll start all over again. Don’t worry when this happens. No-one important will be affected.

Friendly Fire
A regrettable incident in which you inadvertently drop a bomb on your comrades or allies. Still, they know it’s all part of the game.

Global Warming
Another conspiracy theory started by car-hating liberal hippies, and lightbulb manufacturers.

Gun (esp. US)
A vital tool that should be kept free and legal in order to defend ourselves against other people who can freely and legally buy them.

Harry Potter
A wicked bespectacled child who seeks to spread witchcraft amongst our children.

Homosexuality
(See Leviticus, Unnatural)

Immigration
An influx of work-shy foreigners looking for hand-outs. This practice should be halted now. In fact, it should have halted just after my family came here.

Jesus
Our Lord and saviour who spoke of pacifism, sharing, forgiving enemies, healing the sick, treating all human beings with dignity and compassion, and many other things that He probably didn’t mean.

Jews
Evil, greedy race who crucified Jesus Christ, who’s also Jewish. But that’s not important.

Islam
A sick and twisted religion based on the Koran- which I’ve never read.

Leviticus
Book of the Bible that expressly forbids homosexuality, instructs boys to be circumcised and forbids eating non-kosher foods. You can ignore the last two. He probably wants us to pick and choose.

Liberal
(see Communist)

Liberating
The use of armed force to replace a foreign government with one friendly to you and your business interests. Don’t worry if you have to slaughter thousands of people for this, and the survivors don’t actually realise that they have been liberated. They’ll thank you eventually.

Liberty
My freedom to spend money freely and with as little interference as possible. Your freedom to have to work for me, and earn as little as I can get away with paying you.

Lynch Mob
A correctly applied form of democratic justice from back in the good ol’ days.

Masturbation
A dirty act of sexual self-pleasure that, in the case of a male, denies the God-given right to life to many of his several million spermatozoa.

Nationalization
(see Communist) System in which everyone chips into and receives the same service. Is ineffective as it denies business freedoms, and gives no competitive motivation to the institutions in question, therefore it should only be used for our most important institutions such as the police, military and judiciary- and occasionally to prop up vital failed businesses.

Natural Disasters
If a major hurricane or forest fire hits, then don’t worry, this won’t eat into your taxes. As long as it hits poor, black people, that is. For rich, white people, such as ourselves, the government will always find a way. If, for some bizarre reason you feel bad about this then remember the cleansing power of charity.

Nudity
Deplorable state of undress which shows us how God intended.

Our Children
As in “think of the effect this will have on our children”. This actually means ‘your children’- mine are clearly alright because they’ve got good parents. Used throughout recent history to express panic at things such as video games, pornography, violent or sexual films, rude words, heavy metal, rock ‘n’ roll, jazz (in fact, any music genre), comic books etc. etc.

Profit
The force that makes the world go round. More important, even, than the family, religion, and a true measure of patriotism. If you don’t have the freedom to make loads of money, then you have no freedom at all. So, if you want to move thousands of jobs to the far east where you can pay less wages, then go for it! Anyone who loses their job will understand that you’re simply exercising your liberty.

S*x
Dirty act that’s regrettably necessary for continuation of the species. Should only be practised by a married couple (that is, a male and female). Be sure to keep the lights off, not to enjoy yourself, and pray for your mortal souls afterwards.

Socialist
(see Communist)

Strength
The commendable will of a politician to do what’s in my best interests at the expense of those poorer than me, or to send troops he neither knows, nor cares about, off to fight.

Strike
The downing of tools by selfish ingrates who don’t appreciate the pay and conditions we generously allow them in order for them to make lots of money for us.

Taliban
How were we supposed to know that ploughing millions upon millions of taxpayer’s money into arming extremist Islamic groups would backfire? We’ve not psychic, you know.

Terrorism
(see Taliban)

Torture
A practice we use to help us otherthrow wicked regimes (and we know they’re wicked- because they torture people).

Unemployment
Situation that affects people who are too lazy to feed their families or afford basic necessities.

Unnatural
Similar to dirty; A technological advance that you dislike but can’t give a reasonable argument why (e.g. contraception). Not to be confused with advances such as the automobile, and computer, or thousands of others, which are perfectly natural.
Also applies to behaviour that you don’t indulge in, yourself (e.g. homosexuality) or, at least, you keep quiet if you do.

Violence
Something that should be encouraged in real life (by the correct authorities) but kept off TV at all costs.

Women’s Rights
Something I’ve started caring deeply about since this gives us a reason to attack the towelheads.

Working Class (esp. UK)
Uneducated, sponging hooligans who are regrettably necessary to keep around to do menial tasks such as clean the streets, sell and produce household goods, produce power, fight in our wars, pay our taxes (at least the few who aren’t benefit cheats) and other miscellaneous things that I don’t need to worry about.