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saphira2k5 — Transformation ch 2
Published: 2011-04-18 01:12:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 1052; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 6
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Description      I started to wake up again.
     I felt something wet around my mouth and went to breath in through it, but instantly started choking.
     Alarmed, I shot up, coughing and gagging, then looked down to see what it was that had started choking me, and realized that it was a puddle.
     Where am I?
     I looked around the alleyway, and saw the street off behind me.
     The sky was bright and sunny, but I saw gray clouds that were coming in.
     What happened? I thought as I rubbed my hand over my mouth - trying to wipe off the dirty rain water, when I almost yelled when I saw my hand covered in dark green scales.
     Startled, I quickly turned my back on the street, in case someone happened to pass by and see me.
     I started shaking.
     Why was I like this? I had changed last night and...and those guys came in, saying weird things, speaking lies about me. They had taken me and put me into an 'ambulance' before tossing me out like a bag of garbage. I still have no clue who they are, or what they wanted, but I had a feeling that it wasn't good.
     What was going to be a pleasant dinner out - a present from my parents - an escape from all the freaky things that had been happening to me for the last few weeks (not that they knew) suddenly turned into a waking nightmare.
     Then, suddenly, I remembered.
     Oh no! My parents! They thought I was just going out to have dinner, and it's been the Whole NIGHT and I still haven't come home! What are they going to think? What are they going to DO?
     My heart flooded with fear and guilt of having to face them. I surprised myself: Guilty? Why should I feel guilty for last night for something that was beyond my control?
     Then I realized I felt guilty because I knew that I would have to lie to them. There was NO WAY I could explain to them what was going on. They wouldn't understand. Who would?
     But, nevertheless, I had to get home.
     But I wouldn't be able to walk home looking like THIS.
     Partly as an experiment, and to ensure I would be able to get home looking normal, I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes.
     I concentrated on changing my skin back to normal, just like I had last night. I Willed it to change back.
     After a few a seconds I started panicking a little.
     Oh no! It didn't work! How was I supposed to get home NOW!? I panicked.
     But then I felt a weird stinging, all over my body.
     I opened my eyes cautiously and peeked down at my hands, and was surprised to see skin coming back over the scales.
     I gasped, jaw dropped in amazement.
     In about a minute I felt that my body had changed back to my normal, peach skin.
     I winced as I felt my tail merge back Into my body. For some reason it didn't hurt as much when I changed Into...whatever I was...compared to now when I going back to normal.
     But it still hurt. A lot.
     When it was over I checked my backside, seeing no indication of there having ever been a tail there. Lucky for me when the tail appeared it went out and over my pants instead of ripping straight through. That would require a Lot of explaining. (And by explaining I mean lies. It made me uneasy just thinking about lying.)
     I pulled my pant sleeves, shirt sleeves and checked my belly, and was pleased to see no signs of the smooth green scales.
     I touched my face to make sure it felt alright. It did. And I could tell my teeth had changed back into molars.
     I peeked out of the alleyway to make sure no one was near and or watching, then I started walking.
     It took only a few minutes to find the restaurant again - seeing as my kidnappers hadn't driven that far or long before tossing me into the street - and then continued my way walking home.
     I had walked to the restaurant last night, hoping the walk would free my mind of worries and raise my appetite so I'd get hungry for the dinner, so I didn't have a car to drive home.
     I regretted that decision now - my whole body was sore and I felt exhausted.
     Somehow, though, I managed to make my way home.
     I walked up the five steps to my walkway and then up the three steps to my door.
     I went to take my key out of my pocket but soon stopped when I realized that I didn't have it - it must have fell out my pocket sometime during the incident last night.
     So, instead I knocked lightly at the door.
     I saw the curtains twitch as though someone was peeking to see who was at the door hoping to remain unnoticed.
     I heard the dead bolt click and then saw the door open all the way, Mom standing there with both a look of relief and worry on her face.
     She breathed a sigh of relief, as her whole body relaxed with it.
     "Oh, Syron/Darren! You're home!" She sobbed, throwing her arms around me in a bear hug.
     I hugged her lightly back, unsure of what to do next.
     Eventually she slowly released me, to come look at my face, her face full of thanks that I was home.
     Wasn't she wondering where I'd been?
     As I thought that, I suddenly collapsed, only to be caught by Mom. She gasped.
     "Um...Here. Come lay down." She instructed, walking me over to the couch.
     I dropped to the couch quickly - I hadn't realized how tired I really was until I made it home, subconsciously figuring I was safe in the comfort of my own home.
     She had me lie down, then stood back with a look of wonder at what had happened to me, and I didn't blame her.
     I had gone to a dinner at a fancy restaurant, wearing my best suit, hadn't come home until the next day, and ended up looking like I had got into a fight with a mugger. My suit's sleeves and the bottom of my pants were torn, I was covered in dirt, my face was pale, and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open.
     She noticed my exhaustion, and walked quickly and quietly into the kitchen.
     She came back with a glass of a water and set it on the table.
     I quickly sat up, grabbing the water, and pouring it into my mouth. The cold liquid feeling so good as it ran down the back of my throat. I didn't stop until every drop was gone.
     When I was finished, she stared at me for a few seconds, said, "I better go tell your father." And went upstairs.
     I began to get nervous.
     Wait, "tell your father?" Wasn't he at work? That means he must have stayed home, but why? And she hadn't even said "I better go tell your father Your Home!" Oh jeez, I'm in Really bad trouble, I thought as I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
     She came back downstairs, Dad following - looking angry, I might add - behind her, hardly giving me a chance to even freak out thinking about what they might do.
     They stood in front of the couch, Mom looking concerned and Dad looking at me with an accusing of expression - even though he hasn't even heard anything - arms crossed, next to her.
     "Now that I know that you're safe," Mom glared at me as she said, "Tell me, where were you last night?"
     I sat there, deliberating whether or not I should do this.
     "Well? I'm waiting, young man." She pestered.
     "Uhmm...Well...about last night..." I mumbled, still unsure about my decision.
     Should I really tell them the truth? What would they think? Or should I lie, and pretend that nothing happened (at least nothing involving me changing into Something and then being kidnapped for a brief time before being hurled out onto the concrete)?
     "Listen, you better tell us what happened last night unless you want the beating of a lifetime!" Dad threatened.
     I was surprised to see Mom not saying anything. Normally, she would object to such threats that involved physical abuse, but not this time. Are they just over reacting? Or are they really this concerned? I wasn't sure, seeing how I've never done anything like this before. But then again, transforming into some creature wasn't something I did on a regular basis.
     I took a deep breath and sighed. "Last night...I...CHANGED." I confessed.
     "Changed? What are you talking about?" Asked Mom.
     "Well, I guess TRANSFORMED would be a better a word but - " I explained.
     "What the hell are you talking about? Start making sense, boy!" Dad demanded.
     I was about to continue explaining it to them, when suddenly a searing pain coursed through my body.
     I immediately stood up, the pain startling me.
     "Ugh!" I groaned, gripping the sides of my head, body bent over in pain.
     "What? What is it!?" Mom yelled.
     "Nrrgh!" I grunted in agony, partly because of the horrible pain, and partly in frustration. I knew what was happening - I was changing, AGAIN, right in front of my parents, even before I got a chance to explain it to them.
     Then I started actually Feeling the change start, watching as the dark green scales came out all over my arms and legs, feeling them come out from my face, wincing as my teeth changed into sharp, pointed ones, and practically yelling when the tail erupted from my skin with such sudden force and speed.
     I was surprised - this happened in the course of a few minutes, when yesterday it probably took about ten.
     "This..is...what h-happened...last...NIGHT!" I said in between clenched teeth.
      Finally, the pain started to die down. Breathing heavily, I glanced down at my new body, still a little freaked out but more worried about what the reactions of my parents might be. I hadn't had the chance to look at them while I was transforming.
     I warily looked up into their eyes, and saw undeniable fear in both of them.
     "Mom, Dad, this is what happened to me last night. Please, don't be scared! I'm just as freaked out as you are but..." I trailed off when I still saw them staring. Then something inside me snapped, I felt angry at them for acting like this even though I had no real reason to be.
     "Please! Tell me what's going on! Why is this happening to me!?"
     They continued staring, wide eyed.
"Do you even KNOW what's going on?" I demanded.
     When they didn't say anything, I looked at the ground, feeling worried, confused, and agitated all at once.
     Then suddenly I heard a noise, a breath, like the faintest whisper. I realized that I should have never been able to hear to such a quiet sound, and yet I could tell that it came from Dad.
     My head snapped up at the noise, almost as if instinct - as if I needed to hear if the noise could be a threat - and mainly in apprehension - to see what he would say.
     I watched him, as he gasped at my sudden response to his breath, waiting for a response from him with my new small, thin, yellow eyes.
     "G-get away from me." He said, his voice barely a whisper.
     "What!?" I asked, shocked.
     "Get away from me!" He yelled.
     I stood there in shock as he and Mom started shaking, hands raised as if to defend themselves, and started backing away.
     "Please don't hurt us!" Mom begged.
     "What!? I'm not going to hurt you!" I said.
     They continued shaking, afraid of ME. Why?
     "Mom, Dad, PLEASE! I'm still your SON! Why won't you just listen to me when I tell you that I WON'T HURT YOU!!?" I practically screamed at them, trying one last time to convince them that I was still me, sadness and anger building up inside me.
     But yelling only made them even more terrified, and they backed all the way up to the T.V. screen, as far as they could go, trembling in fear.
     Then I realized that this would never work, they would never listen to me, so, angry, hurt, and confused, I walked over to the front door and stormed out, slamming it behind me.
     I ran as fast I could, not planning on any destination, but knowing that I had to get as far away from there as possible, focusing on the ache on my legs and the burning in my lungs. Then I realized what I was I doing - I was running out in the open where anybody could see me - and I found an alleyway and ran into it.
     I looked out around me and luckily saw no one in sight. I caught my breath, then realized that I wasn't exactly sure where I was. I hadn't even noticed just how fast I was running. How far did I go?
     My stomach growled. I hadn't eaten since last night. Then it started to sink in what had just happened. I couldn't go home ever again...my parents didn't want me. It felt like what had happened there took an eternity, but in reality it had only been a few minutes. I felt like curling up in a ball and not moving ever again, but, for some reason, rationality and reason took over - almost like instinct - and I knew that I needed some money, I needed a place to stay, THEN I could worry about my parents.
     I peeked out of the alleyway again, searching for some clue as to where I was, and then suddenly it hit me - I was in the very same alleyway that I had gotten thrown into, the same one that I woke up in this morning.
     I figured subconsciously that this would be the next best place to go to after my parents freaked out - a place that I came to not too long ago and would remember - and automatically started running here.
     Then I stepped back into the alleyway and took a few deep breaths, almost apprehensively, and braced myself for what was sure to hurt.
     I winced as I changed back into my human form, watching the scales go back under my skin. Irritating doesn't even come close, BURNING is more like it. My tail started losing the scales, being replaced with skin, while merging back into my body.
     It was a lot harder to change back this time, as if it was unwilling to go back to normal, but I finally forced it to, my body tense with pain.
     After it was done, I leaned against the wall and took a breather - it took a lot of energy and willpower to change back.
     Then I checked one last time to see if anyone was around, and when I didn't, I started walking.
     Like last time, it only took a few a minutes to get to my destination: the restaurant.
     I figured that since this was a restaurant, these people had to have money to eat here, and what better place to ask for money here? I thought.
     Before I went in though, I made sure that nobody was there from last night. I checked and made sure that there weren't any of the same waitresses or waiters working today - their shifts must have ended.
     I walked in the front doors, looking to see if anyone might have any possible interest in helping a what-looked-to-be-a sixteen to eighteen year old boy.
     Everyone I saw was eating, of course, so my eyes wandered over to the least possible place for help: the bar. Even though it was probably around midday/lunch, I managed to find someone off by himself, slowly sipping a beer, deep in what seemed to be thought.
     Somewhat self-consciously, I walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder.
     He turned around, surprised. He had black hair and a scar was over his right eye, and, judging from his height while he sat, he seemed that he would be about six feet when he stood.
     But I couldn't let his appearance stop me from asking him. After all, I did just try to get his attention, and at least someone was bound to have noticed me.
     "Umm...Excuse me, I...I don't have a place to stay and I was wondering...if you could lend me some cash?" I asked.
     He stared at me, trying to decide if he should. I mean, after all to him I could just be some kind of junkie looking to get his next fix, so I looked him straight in the face, my eyes pleading.
     He sighed. "Well...since I don't really know you and it's not right to judge people by looks...sure, I'll give you some money."
     He reached into his wallet and started pulling some money out, when suddenly I felt that agonizing pain again in my head.
     I grabbed my head in pain, which felt like it was going to burst.
     "Hey are you alr..." He trailed off when he saw me start changing.
     Of all the times I've transformed so far, of all the pain I've felt, this one was the worst.
     Instead of the scales coming out relatively smooth and clean, now, on random parts of my body, the scales came forcibly with a sudden jerk, RIPPING my skin.
     And this time I did not try to hold it in.
      Clutching my head in my hands in torment, eyes shut tight, I let out a scream that put everything I've felt into it, all my fear, confusion, anger, and -most of all - the pain I was experiencing.
     It dragged on for what seemed like an eternity, but finally, finally I was able to open my eyes.
     Exhausted, I put my hands on my knees for support, so I wouldn't collapse.
     I saw the man staring at me in horror.
     "P-Please..." I begged, my voice barely a whisper. I wasn't sure what I was saying please for; maybe it was because I didn't want him to run away from me, or maybe because I still knew that I needed that money, because at this rate I don't think I'd ever get another chance again.
     Breathing heavily, I pleaded, "PLEASE...I...I-I really need the money."
     Then suddenly his face changed from horror to disgust. "You? Help YOU? Why would I help a freak like you!?" He said, appalled.
     I stood there, completely motionless in shock, trying to understand what he just said.
     Then, at that instant, I realized that at the core of people, all they really are is greedy beings.
     Sure they may say that they've got a family and a nice little house or even an apartment, and that they "Don't care about money!" But, even if that's true, the greed everyone has is to gain respect from their peers. To have a sense of a pride that they help the poor, the sick, the weak. But, when it turns into something they don't expect, when it turns into something they can't handle, they turns their backs on those ideas and values and treat you worse than you can imagine.
     All of sudden, something inside me snapped.
     I didn't feel shocked, or sad, or scared at what he said anymore, I felt ANGRY.
     Rage boiled up inside me. How dare they! How dare they do this? Them, all of them, treat me like this!? I was just a regular guy to them, a few seconds ago, requesting a little help, and now I'm a monster!? A FREAK!?
     I slammed my fist onto a table - it was empty now, everyone had stopped eating and stood up, staring at me wide eyed (which only made me even more furious) - and was taken aback a little when I saw it break in two. But that didn't stop me, that didn't calm this raging beast inside me.
     I turned back to the man with the scar on his face, he was standing now, just like everyone else, and was slowly trying to make his way to the front doors to the left of him. He stopped, when he saw me turn to him, and started quivering with fear as I slowly walked towards him.
     I glared at him with my bright golden eyes, angry beyond words, as I stepped up in front of him, making me seem two times his size as he crouched down in fear.
     I felt like I was going to explode by the time I reached him. How dare he do this to me?
     I looked down at him for a few seconds, enjoying every bit of terror on his face and whole body.
     I grinned wickedly before swinging my arm and smacking him out of the way at with a significant amount of power.
     I had only meant to knock him to the floor, but I soon realized that I now had a lot more power than I did before as I watched him fly through the air, crash through the large windows of the restaurant, and not stopping until he smashed against the building on the Opposite Side OF The Street.
     I stared in shock for a moment, as did everyone else, when I felt a sudden giddy feeling rise up inside me.
     This power, it's incredible. And with it I can do anything I want.
     The thought brought a smile to my face, excitement and hysteria rising up inside me as I started to laugh.
     "Heh...heh...heh heh." I chuckled, at first, but then grew into a powerful laugh.
     And that's when everyone started to scream. They panicked yelling and shouting, pouring out the door.
     "HahahahahahahehHA! I laughed.
     Then I went outside, jumping out the broken window I made by throwing the man.
     People ran around screaming, in mass hysteria now.
     A few seconds after I hopped out the window, someone accidentally ran into me.
     I grabbed him by his shirt and grinned evilly at him, preparing to punch, when something caught my eye.
     The guy I threw out the window, was sitting in a heap, but still moving.
     I dropped the guy I was holding and turned toward the man I threw out the window.
     Even though I was across the street, I noticed his wallet on the ground, his I.D. lay there. My eyes were even able to read his name: Nikolai.
     You'd figure that I'd go for the wallet, take the money, and leave since that's what caused all this, but I didn't.
     I didn't care about the money anymore, I didn't want it. What I wanted to see was this man suffer.
     I walked to the middle of the street, and saw out of the corner of my eye the guy I was about to attack get up from the ground and scurry away.
     But I ignored him - I had bigger things to deal with.
     Everyone was gone now, the street completely empty save for a loan red car that someone abandoned in the midst of all the confusion, the front door still open.
     I slowly walked over to it, an idea forming in my head, taking my time.
     Meanwhile, the guy tried to get up and run away, but just ended up falling pathetically to his side, and he started to try and crawl away. I must have broken at least something when he smashed into that wall.
     "And where do you think you're going?" I asked, and then pulled the car door from the car with relative ease. I was amazed that it worked, but, more importantly, that I was able to do it so easily. It must have weighed at least fifty pounds and yet it felt as light as a feather.
     It was a pleasant surprise that I smiled at.
     He stopped crawling for a moment, then looked up at me. His face filled with fear as he realized what I was going to do.
     I raised the car door, preparing to throw it at him, chuckling to myself.
     While my eyes were wide with anticipation, his were wide with dread.
     Then, without prolonging that any further, I hurled the door at him.
     I thought I was seeing things because then, in an instant, the door stopped moving and stayed FROZEN IN THE AIR.
     What!? It was on a direct course for his head! What's going on? How is this happening!?
     I looked around and saw nothing, but then I noticed someone standing in the middle of street. It was a boy, he looked to be about my age.
     He was wearing a white T-shirt and some jeans. And, like me, had jet black hair, but, unlike me, had dark brown eyes.
     I looked at him, confused. What was he doing here? And why is he staring at me like that!?
     I looked a little closer, my eyes easily able to analyze that he Wasn't looking at me. I followed his gaze...and stopped at the car door. What was going on?
     Then I heard the door start making noises, like metal groaning. I turned back to the kid and was puzzled to see him starting to look fatigued, out of breath a little bit. But why?
     The door then started breaking, crunching up like a piece of paper, the glass from the window falling to the ground. It stopped breaking for a few seconds, but then just collapsed into a ball of twisted metal, leather, and glass, and fell to the ground.
     I stared at it in shock, temporarily forgetting about the man named "Nikolai", but then soon snapped my head back to him when I heard his ragged breathing as he attempted to crawl away again.
     "You little slug. Go ahead and try running, but you're not going to make it very far!" I shouted at him.
     I started to go after him, when all of a sudden a voice yelled "Stop!"
     I turned back to the kid, because he was the only one who could have said it, since everyone else was gone.
     I paused for a moment, mulling over what he just said.
     I chuckled with laughter. "'Stop?' And why would I 'STOP?' What are you going to do about it, huh!?" I threatened, moving my foot towards to him, leaning in.
     "HOW ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ME!?" I yelled.
     He didn't say anything back, he just stood there, making me smile with amusement.
     But then he starting yelling. Huh?
     He stood there, but it was if a powerful force was building up inside him. His hair moved, even though there was no wind on this overcast day.
     "HaaaaaahHHHHH!!" He yelled.
     What the heck was going on?
     "Aaaahhh...AH!" And with that last shout, he stopped.
     I stared at him. Who was this lunatic? If he thinks standing in place and screaming is going to stop me, he's got another thing coming.
     He raised his arm...and then moved it in a way as of he was pushing somebody out of the way, quickly.
     I stood there for a few seconds. Okay, so what was THAT supposed to do? I thought.
     Then instantly some sort of BLAST hit me - and threw me all the way into a building at the end of the street I was on.
     I heard debris falling around me. There was a moment of silence as I just lay there, trying to figure out what just happened.
     I winced as I opened my eyes. I was still alive!?
     I lay there for a few seconds, my whole body in pain. Then, groaning, I got up, ignoring the pain that flooded through me, pushing broken chunks of brick out of the way.
     Breathing heavily, I managed to yell out a "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!!?"
     He blinked in surprise and took a step back. "How...how is he still...ALIVE?" He muttered to himself, but somehow I was able catch what he said.
     And, for some reason, that sounded like an insult to me. Here I was doing things no ordinary human could, and yet he's surprised that I survived crashing into a building.
     I gritted my teeth and started walking towards him. My tail twitched back and forth with my anger.
     I was back where I was before,  several feet away from him now.
     I growled at him.
     He gasped, surprised but then got a focused look on his face.
     Again I felt an invisible blast hit me - which definitely wasn't wind - and I skidded back a few feet, probably ruining my shoes. I felt a misplaced anger.
     Rage flooded through me, although I had no idea why, and I fought against the blast.
     I struggled to stay in place, and took a small step forward, but then he raised his hand, and as if he somehow forced more power into his attack, I was sent flying backward, yelling in surprise and a little fear.
     I cried out in pain as I fell and hit the paved street, bounced once, and then skidded to a stop.
     I tried to get up, to get up and fight, but I couldn't - my whole body screamed with pain. I felt a warm liquid running down my body and face and realized it was blood.
     And then, as if from no where, a black van appeared, rolling up next to me.
     "W-what?" I mumbled to myself, confused.
     The door slid open and I saw guys in black uniforms, standing there with batons.
     I stared in wonder as a helicopter landed on the opposite side of the street, near the kid.
     I gasped in fear as two of the van guys came out, grabbed me, and started to carry me to the van.
     I thought I was too weak to move, but then adrenaline kicked in as I started to fight their grip, fear flooding through me.
     I managed to get one arm free and whack the guy across the face, causing him stumble back.
     I swung my arm to get the guy holding my other arm, but then suddenly froze. What?
     "RELAX. It will all be over soon." I heard one of them whisper in my ear. Instantly, I knew who it was - it was the blond haired, blue eyed man from last night, and my heart started pounding even more.
     I felt a twinge of pain and watched him hold the paralyzing syringe needle away from my face, smiling. For some reason he didn't have his mask on like everybody else - maybe he was the leader?
     I started to feel sleepy. My eyes started to close. No! I must stay awake! I ordered myself to.
     I looked out of the van, searching for something to focus on, to keep me awake, when I saw the passenger door to the helicopter open, and an old man with graying hair stepped out. He was wearing a white lab coat.
     I watched as he walked up to the kid, saying something I couldn't hear, and the kid taking a defensive stance. The old man talked to him some more, and after a few moments of consideration, the kid looked back up at him.
     The man held out his hand, as if some kind of offer, and after a few moments of hesitation, the kid took it in assent.
     I couldn't do it anymore, stay awake. I couldn't keep fighting the syringe, so I let my eyes great fully start to close.
     Those where the last things I saw before I passed out. And, although I didn't know it yet, I had just seen the man for the very first time who would - inevitably - cause the destruction of the very essence of who I am.
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Comments: 11

corneriathelombax [2014-08-25 17:02:36 +0000 UTC]

well it could've been worse it could've been a pyrus dragonoid which my MC named Carmelita and she can transform into a pyrus dragonoid and i love bakugan especially drago OMG i love him cause he's a dragon

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Flamingsocks [2012-05-25 00:18:54 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Your great writer!
I MUST SEE PICTURESSSSSS

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

RealityBurns [2012-04-27 04:08:44 +0000 UTC]

he's insaaane. FUN.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ingmaster5 [2012-03-04 02:30:55 +0000 UTC]

Definitely use darren. Its a real Dun dun duuuun! ending here. I hope your happy. your incredibly interesting, and action packed story has prevented me from writing chapter 2 of my story tonight.

Once again you had a few minor problems with spelling, and gramar, but nothing so serious that it took anything away form the story. Spell check isn't perfect, and doesn't always know what it is talking about.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

4evrRoses-N-Thorns [2011-04-21 15:35:14 +0000 UTC]

i like the name darren better and this is good you should break it into parts though

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

NannaDoodles [2011-04-18 22:04:34 +0000 UTC]

aproval form me but you still haev to work out how to make the story seem less...blunt

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

saphira2k5 In reply to NannaDoodles [2011-04-18 22:35:40 +0000 UTC]

Yeah what do you mean by make the story less "blunt?" Can you give me an example because I don't think I'm very good at changing my writing mainly because I don't know what needs to be changed. But thanks for commenting.

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NannaDoodles In reply to saphira2k5 [2011-04-18 22:41:20 +0000 UTC]

haah same as your last chapter, its from his poin of viwe but it doesnt give much detail...but it does...how do i put it...its just like someone is telling you all the basics but is leaving the lines a bit too open, try syncronising with your charicter more and try smoothing out the details so the reader can haev a good firm picture in there mind of what is happening, it is good to leave some details up to the reader but there is a bit too much uncertanty in the details of the story compared to the way your char thinks...

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saphira2k5 In reply to NannaDoodles [2011-04-18 22:55:27 +0000 UTC]

So...do you mean put more details in the surroundings or the way he thinks? Cause I think I did try to put more detail into his thoughts and feelings this time.

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NannaDoodles In reply to saphira2k5 [2011-04-18 22:59:12 +0000 UTC]

you did a lot better with his thoughts i do admit, but try adding a tiny bit mroe to his sroundings and the way they effect him instead of just the completly direct stuf

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HaydenTheDemon [2011-04-18 21:14:14 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, I would recommend breaking this up into two or three parts because it's a little lengthy on here. I think you should use Darren; he seems more like a Darren than Syron, but that's my opinion. Glad to see you have posted more; keep me updated!

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