CyanideSmiles [2010-05-29 05:29:36 +0000 UTC]
Well, okay, you said you welcomed any comments/con-crit, and you seem very intelligent, (don't get much of that around here >.> lolol sorry), so I'm just going to be honest, both about myself and the story...
"'yourself' you say? how is that relevant to concrit?" xD well, i... admit that i may be biased here, because I love the original game so much, and Yuna/Tidus is my OTP, so the story makes me a little.... uncomfortable, maybe?
so this criticism may be without much warrant. I acknowledge that, and it is worth noting. xD
BUT I still strongly feel that the general idea of Yuna being evil is just... OOC in itself. But I guess since you haven't had the time to justify it yet, I should just wait it out and see before I write it off as totally OOC.
Tidus and Auron and Seymour are all well-done, and Rikku's good (although she is missing her trademark quirkiness, I believe), but Yuna, even without the evil-ness seems off to me... somehow. Too casual, maybe? I'm not sure, but her voice doesn't seem to me like it would be coming from her, you know? And... "Yuna smiling maliciously?" xD That's scary because I can't even imagine it
....I hope this doesnt come off too harsh, because no matter how I feel about the plot, I am definitely without a doubt very intrigued by this story and I think you are an excellent writer, so I want to see where you're going with this, but... as it is... I'm very skeptical. >_< lolol.
As I said though, that's most likely just due to my own preferences, no fault of your own xD;;
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secondhandwatch In reply to CyanideSmiles [2010-05-29 22:23:49 +0000 UTC]
First off, let me say I really appreciate your comments! I'm certainly not going to take your critiques as an insult. I want people to feel free to point out what feels "weak" in the storyline or what they feel doesn't seem to add up. This is totally fine and doesn't bother me in the least.
Okay so! First you mentioned your Tidus/Yuna love, this I totally understand. (I'm more of a Yuna/Seymour fan, but I was a Tidus/Yuna fan before the other.) I'm wanting to edge this into a Tidus/Yuna/Seymour scenario since I really enjoyed that drama in the game. It's okay to be uncomfortable with the Yuna/Seymour angle I'm going for, but if it helps, know that their outcome in the game will be repeating itself. Also I'm not throwing the Tidus/Yuna of the original games out the window.
Evil!Yuna, yeah I look back and go "maybe I should have introduced her with her more canon personality". So, yeah, she does not seem herself at all in these chapters, but much like how Seymour on the outside was all "friendly" and "helpful" but dark on the inside in the original games, thats kind of what I'm going for here. But I will set up justifications for her being an antagonist. (I really shouldn't say "evil" because we all know the real evil is Yu Yevon.) But I am really glad that you've pointed out how I've written her and it is very hard to write a evil!Yuna! I agree with you, but I'm trying. I guess I should just clarify that she is trying to fix things her way much like Seymour attempted in the original game.
Whew. Once again, thank you for the comment! Please don't worry about pointing out things that don't seem right or that are hurting the flow of the story. I want to know so you will enjoy reading it!
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