Comments: 140
SilverInkblot In reply to ??? [2012-10-16 00:13:40 +0000 UTC]
Food is the best comparison
Prosetry was very much my intent, so I can see why you'd feel it had a lot of poetic overtones My original purpose was to sketch a person (in words) that was important to me, but I didn't really have any sort of "concrete" story or specific moment to explain why he mattered and so few of my other teachers did. So I was worried that it ended up kinda jumpy.
It's nice to hear he could just walk off the page I'd never really tried my hand at nonfiction before. I had a good subject for my learning point.
Taking on some of the s:
Someone else mentioned the bit about the shoes - it is a touch wordy, I agree, and the shoes are about where I start running out of breath I need to keep the "superimpose" at the very least for title reasons, but I'll see about re-working that area.
He does that thing with his glasses all the time. I couldn't not mention it I dunno about bringing it close to the start though - I think the image of the smile while he's telling stories is a much more effective image, at least for me.
The "fourth dimension" paragraph is what really seems to stick out to most of the commenters, or at least the end part concerning depth perception.
Your favorite paragraph is also mine Even in an already personal essay, that was the most personal section. It's where things stopped being a sketch about him and began being about my relationship with him. Personally, I like the hard/easy to care, but I can see why it might strike some as odd.
There are actually three types of chalk there; you caught the blackboard and tennis courts, but missed the gymnasts chalk - they coat their hands with it to improve their grip, especially on bars or rings That's why I had it three times.
The layers thing was me being a bit self-aware - I did eventually show this to him, but was kinda worried about how it might come off. I could see how/ why it might creep somebody out Even if I wrote it with the best intentions, it is almost excessively detailed.
I thought the gymnast/professor thing needed one more push; I actually thought it was too subtle and not quite "there" as I wanted it to be. And I did think about ending on the line before, but it just didn't feel right/ complete there. (Believe me, if you saw this man, you would wonder how he could ever be/have been anything but and English professor. It's like he walked off a movie set that takes place in college.)
I will mull about and polish and maybe upload a revised version I don't really want to touch this one with it's shiny DD award Thank you for all your thoughts!
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shandsy [2012-08-08 22:21:52 +0000 UTC]
Overall
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Critique questions:
Both. Each paragraph does sort of stand on its own in terms of not having a direct "transition" from the last (though some of them do), but that's not a bad thing at all. I think the fragmentation complements the narrator's voice in his/her description of the professor-- he's bits and pieces of things forgotten and what-ifs turned no-longers, so it makes sense to have a "choppier" description sprinkled with faintly romantic run-ons. I love the way you structured this e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Nod"/>Oh my, I completely missed the line in your description when you said this was based on a professor of yours! Yes, I definitely feel that the existence of this man as you describe him is feasible. Your careful description of seemingly trivial features like his well-manicured fingernails and the way he wears his glasses fostered an instant but strong connection with the subject.I don't care about the lack of plot at all, actually. I love writing based on description rather than story, and I think you did a lovely job. But yes, I would be interested in reading more about this professor or someone based off of him.Specific praise:- "But he was a gymnast once, or so he tells us, and I believe him because he smiles like he knows something while he's chatting before class."
:arrowr: This is just one example of many beautiful sentences that could be classified as 'run-ons.' While the term 'run-on' is generally used in criticism, I think that your use of them from a stylistic standpoint is wonderfully effective. The voice of the narrator is so clear in this particular sentence. She believes him because 'he smiles like he knows something while he's chatting before class.' The soft and intimate observation of a smile is enough to make her believe his stories. It tells the reader volumes about both the character of the professor and the character of the narrator.
- "But the images are all there, flickering just under the surface and bubbling up again when he's recounting stories about his days in Pittsburg and his lawyer father and the time he nearly died of overheating after locking his seven year old self in his father's car." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> The image of these pictures 'flickering just under the surface and bubbling up again' is strong and effective. The specific details of his lawyer father and accidentally locking himself in the car are great examples of the little, seemingly inconsequential details that make this man so beloved to the reader.
- "...and that personal effort is directly proportional to how much the other side of the equation cares." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I like the image of a balanced equation. It connects well back to the theme of scholastic education vs. life learning.
Specific criticism:- "...and a ring on the fourth finger of his left hand." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Just for the sake of parallelism, I would eliminate the 'and' to make this flow better.
- "...no steel mill worker has such manicured nails." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> 'Manicured' isn't the most effective adjective you could use here, mainly because 'manicured' doesn't really say anything about the quality of his nails. Everyone's nails can be described as 'manicured'-- are his nails badly manicured or well manicured?
- "...but just obscure enough that you have to put a little effort into deciphering it." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I suppose the word 'obscure' isn't technically wrong in this context, but I can't help but think that a better word could be used.
- "...(or I'm drawing parallels where there are none to be found)." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I just feel as if this editorial comment takes too much away from the image you were building. The narrator's voice is loaded with many emotions, but doubt is not one of them. This doesn't seem to fit very well with the rest of the piece-- I would suggest eliminating it completely.
- "He doesn't look like a gymnast. Then again, he doesn't look like anything but an English professor." e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p⦠" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> The line itself is fantastic; I think it's an excellent way to end your story. My issue with it is less with the line itself and more with the image your rhetoric has implied throughout the story up to this point. Based on your juxtaposition of life education vs. classroom teaching, I had the impression throughout the story that this man was a Physics professor. Words like 'equilibrium' and 'equation' and phrases such as 'depth perception in the fourth dimension' are what give me that impression. I'm not saying that you should change the subject that this man teaches (obviously you can't, seeing as this is based off of a real person and that person apparently was a professor of English), but perhaps lightly implying here-and-there what exactly he's teaching in the classroom would be a good idea.
Overall, I thought this was beautiful. I rarely enjoy a short story as much as I enjoyed this one. Beautiful job
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title="Nod"/>
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xlntwtch [2012-07-23 23:57:56 +0000 UTC]
Overall
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Originality
Technique
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Critique on:
Superimpose
First, this is very fine character sketch and the imagery as delightful and interesting as a reader could hope. In some ways, it reminded me of reading a book like "Setting Free the Bears" by John Irving, which was full of equally dynamic and fascinating character description. I like Irving, so that should tell you something.
1) The "sections" are seamless. I don't see why you'd even wonder about sections, since I didn't get a sense there were any. It's a description about a teacher, students, YOU and life.
2) I know this person only as much as you did, only as much as you described -- initially. But when I think about this story (and story it is) I find myself remembering professors who taught me, what they said about themselves, how they acted and mostly how they affected my life. This man, described so minutely, "doesn't look like a gmynast" but he's definitely a teacher. Why did you examine him so closely? Because of stories he told that perhaps had little to do with the course you took/take, but everything to do with the "fourth dimension" adroitly mentioned here. He's a Teacher. He exists for me because he did for you.
3) You think there's no plot, but I disagree. There's a setting, rising action, conflict, falling action, denouement. A beginning "He doesn't look like a gymnast," a middle "He's teaching me about teaching and I'm learning about learning and perhaps a thing or two about depth perception in the fourth dimension" and an end "He doesn't look like a gymnast." Loads of good thought-material all over, which makes this have a plot. See?
Generalities:
Done. Thank you for a very enjoyable read.
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xlntwtch In reply to SilverInkblot [2012-07-24 00:59:15 +0000 UTC]
It's a Story. Every story is a "slice-of-life" -and this one can, if one wants to put it there- even fit the "coming-of-age" category. Everything is here to make it a story.
I should have spent more time on the lit crit to explain what I meant. I didn't even use the whole of your end-line, and the second part tells readers so much. See? And if it makes readers think about their own schooling, even if (for some) that took place years ago -yet continues every day- it's a Story.
I don't even think this is abstract. Your teacher told you to write essays. I've written many, many essays in my career and essays just aren't "rather abstracted." They reveal what others might miss about a person, a crowd, a place, an event, etc. in thoughtful ways.
You wrote a story.
I'll stand by that, because essays are (in their observant ways) also stories.
Yep, I hope you read several books by Irving.
More on your long book list, eh?
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xlntwtch In reply to SilverInkblot [2012-07-24 01:34:20 +0000 UTC]
Read E.B. White's essays. There are many collections.
I consider him the best essayist I've ever read.
Maybe ask your teacher sometime about him, if his name is unfamiliar.
I mean beyond his few children's books.
He's a master essayist, imho.
I wouldn't call it 'coming-of-age' either, but I wouldn't doubt some would.
You did change, you know. A small change, yes, but a change.
Good luck with that ever-growing list. You have time.
Well, I certainly hope so! ^^
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ScribalWriter [2016-01-22 03:55:23 +0000 UTC]
Beautiful. You really let the reader learn the professor through the observer's eyes. The descriptions are just perfect and visceral and full of texture. This was lovely to read.
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openskyline [2014-06-24 04:08:07 +0000 UTC]
Has this man read this poem? I hope so. He would, I am sure, be very proud.
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VertigoArt [2014-04-18 03:33:01 +0000 UTC]
I love hearing something read aloud. It gives so much of a better sense of what you are trying to get across. The character is easy to relate to and the flow of the piece is wonderful (no halting phrases or stumbling blocks). I love the diction in your voice. This piece is easy to read and easy to listen to. I will definitely be coming back for more.
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VertigoArt In reply to SilverInkblot [2014-04-18 03:43:23 +0000 UTC]
Of course. Let me know if you rerecord it. I would love to hear it.
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VertigoArt In reply to SilverInkblot [2014-04-18 04:37:11 +0000 UTC]
I've recorded a few pieces. Both audio and video. I love it.
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SilverInkblot In reply to VertigoArt [2014-04-18 04:38:44 +0000 UTC]
There's a group for the concept over at Elocutionists , but it never quite took off. There was just too much posting back and forth to really get it off the ground.
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mhi2x [2013-01-24 03:18:32 +0000 UTC]
just love this./.....
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mhi2x In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-24 03:24:26 +0000 UTC]
i love reading a lot ...
and this one makes me think ...
so i guess that makes me love this
hope to read more from you...
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mhi2x In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-24 03:54:45 +0000 UTC]
yeah...the best and my favorite teacher he is rather a financial management teacher and i always love the way he inspire me to do more than i could...i mean he peel off every skin that covers my potentials until there was nothing left unexposed...
just sad i`ll graduate this march and i think i would really miss listening to him...my favorite teacher
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mhi2x In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-24 09:00:56 +0000 UTC]
really....??????? at least one???? that`s sad....
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Blacksand459 [2013-01-03 16:28:45 +0000 UTC]
Very nice piece.
As for the questions, the sections flow together nicely, in my opinion. And yes, the main character seems completely real. The observations about his loafers, glasses, fingernails, frazzled hair...while someone could just as soon improvise those details in a fiction piece, they seem quite real and help paint the picture...it's literary "body language."
I care not if there is no plot. It was well-written; that's always the point. And yeah, I'd read stories about this person.
As an aside, I worked for a superconductivity laboratory recently. The owner is a Stanford professor in his mid-forties, with a doctorate in chemistry, and I was reminded of him as I read this. Living in SoCal most of his life and being an avid surfer, his usual attire consisted of Dockers, a Polo shirt and a pair of Vans. He is an incredibly interesting person with a frightening level of intelligence and perception. He was always eager to share his knowledge and answer questions; it didn't take long to realize exactly how much I don't know about academia in general, and chemistry in particular.
Hopefully my comments made sense. I found this story from your comment on the Lit. Experiment. Well done!
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intricately-ordinary [2012-12-23 07:23:29 +0000 UTC]
"Or maybe I'm just getting used to that disorienting double vision, the same one I get every time I start thinking about the future, only now I'm looking back and peeling away layers that aren't mine to expose."
what a beautiful piece!
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DevonEaton [2012-11-14 07:31:34 +0000 UTC]
As a once upon a time gymnast and a current bookish writer I find my own memories superimposed upon this piece and they line up so nicely. Extremely good writing here.
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ilyilaice [2012-08-14 03:14:19 +0000 UTC]
this does feel like a very real character to me. he feels like a teacher that would have made my college life better too. he's likable but deep. this feels more to me like a character description than a story, but maybe that was your intention. either way, this was a joy to read so thank you for sharing it with us.
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