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sirenseranade11 — When the walls fall quiet.
Published: 2010-09-20 01:28:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 3607; Favourites: 96; Downloads: 37
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Rain makes me want to write to you,to tell you the things I should have said five months ago,
five years ago,
when we were younger and weaker and it didn't hurt so much to breathe.
We weren't happy even then, and I was too young to know the difference.
Do you ever think we're growing up too fast?
When we're smoking behind stores
and drinking to sleep
and buying drugs from the boys who tried to love me
but got burned along the way.
They don't know we're still children, and neither do we.
We drive too fast and talk too much and drink until we die,
but god, tonight I do not want to die.
Tonight I do not want to fall asleep as the ceiling reads me poetry
and the trees outside call my name.
I want to dream again,
I want to see the future as I sleep and know that tomorrow
I will not wake up with razors slid down my side
and the life licked out of my veins.
I want to know that someday
I will not have to lie and say I'm feeling fine,
that the lights will not blind me and the sounds will not pierce me
and the look in your eyes when I say,
"No, I'm just tired, I promise." will not look like regret.
But most of all,
I do not want to feel every echo that concusses the earth,
every breath that crosses your face.
I do not want to sit awake at night knowing that somewhere
you are swimming in sadness
and some chemical you won't put a name to
because you say that you just don't feel enough.
So tonight, I'll forget we're still children and let myself die again.
And tomorrow you will hold me and pretend I'm still alive.
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Comments: 39
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w… " alt=" " title="Writers--club"/>!
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="15" height="15" alt="
This poem is very well written, and the sentiment you expressed here is too true. People grow up almost in the blink of an eye and things can change - not always for the better - just as fast.
You told the story of how things are lost, including innocence. The poem was well constructed and flowed surprisingly well. The ending lines are very powerful and make a perfect conclusion to this composition.
Excellent work, keep it up! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club
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I was struggling a little bit to figure out how to do this as effectively as possible, so I decided it would be best to do it line by line. That will make it easier for me to explain and more concretely helpful for you. Here goes:
1: This opening line really doesn't connect to anything in the rest of the poem, but I really don't care. It is a wonderful image and this is what hooked me into the poem originally. It is a well constructed line and there is nothing that I would do to change this line.
2+3: I love this progression. It gives a great concept of time wasted and regret. This is the line that sets the tone for the rest of the poem, and I like how you correct months into years in the voice of your narrator (and that you give it a line break, which gives it the feeling of a separate thought). That adds tremendously the the sense of regret we're getting as a reader, which will continue well throughout the poem.
4:I LOVE this line. You start with a cliche (when we were younger) and then you twist the image being given to the reader. I also really like where you go with it, I just can't get over the image of it hurting to breathe. It is so descriptive and resonates so well, and that is really all I need to say about that. On a grammar level, you might want to think about taking care of the commas in this sentence (after 'younger' and 'weaker'). I think this would only strengthen the line, giving the reader a mental pause before each image, but this is completely up to you.
5: This line is almost a perfect ending to the stanza. I love your opening image, it continues (and strengthens) the dark and pained feeling of the poem thus far, and it sets up the next stanza really well. The one thing I would change, and I think this would make the line perfect, is to change the second half to 'but I was too young...' instead of 'and I was too young...' Look it over and decide if you like that as a change, but I think it would make it sound more definite. Also, the word difference? I really like how it sounds, but was that exactly what you were looking for? I really liked it as a word choice, but after reading this poem about twenty times (seriously, and I'm still far from sick of it e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
6: My only statement involved with this is perfect! This is the perfect time to frame a question like this. It immediately draws the reader into the second stanza. Once again, this was perfect, and I loved the question as well. Very well placed.
7: This is the beginning of the section where you pelt the reader with images, and this is a very good start. It plays off of the last line incredibly well. It is almost as if you are asking us if we grew up too fast and then continue to show that we did. This image works really well, and I really don't have any critique of it other than to say I like it. Keep it! Comma at the end of the line? Think about it...(I'm a grammar Nazi, sorry about that...)
8: First of all, I absolutely love that this image is there. It is perfect for the feeling of the poem thus far and it something that, as a reader, is incredibly easy for me to relate to (unfortunately). The one thing I would do is add one word. Make the line 'and drinking ourselves to sleep,' It keeps your line more focused off of the last line, and it engages the reader even further into the line, spurring more personal involvement from the audience. I think that would make the line kick a lot more, but it is up to you on that one.
9: Way to finish the evil three! (drugs, alcohol, and smokes). Once again, I love this line, and I love that you continue and correlate it to love. That is beautifully done. The one thing that caught my eye right away about this line is that you switch to a personal voice right at the end of this line. If you take that line alone it reads "We're buying drugs from the boys who tried to love me..." I would highly recommend changing the 'me' to 'us'. That would keep your sentence more consistent, and I think you can lose the personal voice for now, as it would make the switch into "I" later in the poem have even more of an impact. With that change, this line is very well done. I still love that you correlate all of these things (drinking, smoking, and drugs) to love. Very cynical, but very fitting and poignant.
10: This line confuses me...but I love it all the same. I'm not sure exactly what it means to get burned along the way, but it plays off of your last lines so well that I really don't care. I'm getting an image off of it and it sets a picture in my mind, and I really think that is all that matters. I would keep it, I really would, unless you feel like you could get more descriptive or concise with it. Your choice! But I like it...
11: One question: who is the 'they' you begin the line with? It is an indefinite pronoun and a little distracting in a line as well formed as this one. Are you referring to the boys that got burned along the way? Because that is what I originally thought you meant, but after reading time after time I am not so sure. If you were referring to those boys, then keep it, because it is serving its purpose and is not indefinite. Beyond that, this line is soooooo good. I love your flow break with the comma and the thought you put after it. Very well done, and very well thought out. I also like that you make this all one thought with a period at the end. It adds a sense of strength to this statement.
12: As previously stated, I am a grammar Nazi, and this is missing commas...but that is okay! There is a time and a place to break the rules of grammar, and this is definitely one of them. This list of things is all one thought, all said in one breath, and the lack of commas conveys this to the reader. I really like that! And then you end it with the comma. Beautiful! Plus, you give us three snap-shots of our generation. Three cynical and pained pictures of what we are known for. I like it, I really like it.
13: First things first, capitalize God. It'll give it more strength, more of a pleading feel, which is, I'm assuming, what you are going for. Second, I would switch the word 'tonight' to the end of the line. That would make it read 'but God, I do not want to die tonight.' I think it flows a lot better that way, but that is a personal choice. Just throwing it out there as a possibility. Take it our leave it. Beyond those two things. This is one of your most poignant lines. It is where you make the switch into a personal voice by the narrator, one where you are almost pleading to whoever will listen. This is the beginning of where I started reading as quickly as possible (and almost was tearing up by the end). It is a beautiful line as a whole, simple and beautiful.
14 + 15: I'm going to combine these two because they are the same image. First off, I like that you split them, the line break is good, keep that. But where do these two lines fit in the theme of the poem? Both images are beautiful, and I took them as they came when I was reading it, but when I analyze it I lose the purpose of these two lines. Take that with a grain of salt though, because most people won't be reading this poem analytically. From an aesthetic perspective, these two lines are gorgeous, and they work incredibly well in the context of the poem. Basically, I could have summed up everything I just said in this: take a look at them, if you like these two lines, keep them, if you can find something better, change them.
16: Oh my God does this line hit hard. "I want to dream again" I just wanted to quote it because it was beautiful. I want to have a life where I am free to dream again. I really couldn't get this out of my head, and it almost sums up your entire poem. This is beautiful, that is all I have to say. This line itself would make the 5 stars I gave you for impact e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n… " width="15" height="15" alt="
17: Once again, the beginning of this line is gorgeous. So well put together. In this you clarify exactly what you meant by dream (the sleeping kind not the hoping kind), which isn't entirely necessary, but serves a very good purpose anyway. And then you add in tomorrow. We think you are going to break out of the darkness, because tomorrow is a new day. Which you don't, but that is the beauty of the line. You fake right and go left. Whether you meant to do this or not isn't the point, you did and it works, so keep it e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
18: This line is so pain-filled, haunting, and desperate. There is so much emotion in just this one line, and the next one of course. I really don't have anything to say about this line outside of how wonderfully dark it is.
19: This is where you got me emotionally when I originally read this poem. The alliteration you have in this line really adds to the impact, it just flows so well. It is so painful of an image, it is just something you can imagine. It really invokes feelings within the reader, almost a sense of pain in ourselves. So well done.
20: Here you go again invoking the hope for a new day. Very well placed with this line. It has a very dark feel to it with your inclusion of the phrase 'I want to know...' This implies that you don't actually know this, which makes the lines that proceed from this all the more cynical and pain-filled. Plus, the word 'someday' just has a tremendous feel to it. There are just some words that have a certain feel to them when used in certain situations, and this would be one of them. Bravo on the word choice.
21: As far as a reader being able to relate to what you are saying in this poem, this is the line that is the most easy to relate to. In a way, that makes this line the most important, and I love how it is placed within the flow of the piece. This is just one of those phrases that everyone sadly nods their head at while reading, because we have all experienced this at some point in our lives. It draws us in even further, makes us relate to the narrator (you in this case?) more than we already have. That is why I like where it is placed so much. It draws the reader into your ending even more, and your ending is just...beyond words.
22: I'm going to go grammar Nazi on you again with this line. Add a comma after "Blind me" to keep those two distinct images separate from each other. That will add strength to both of them as individual images even though they are in the same line. Beyond that, I am a little confused as to how these two images relate to the line before and the lines that proceed from it. I get lost in them a little bit. For me, they pulled attention from the two incredibly emotionally images that you have it sandwiched between. I would recommend cutting this line actually. It would give the next two lines a whole lot more impact, and I think it would play better and flow better within the piece. Once again, that is personal opinion and your choice as to whether it gets changed or not.
23: I love the eyes. Eyes are one of the things that I focus the most on in a lot of my poems (eyes almost always find their way into my poem in some way or another). Eyes show so much emotion, they tell you so much about a person whether they say it out loud or not. I love the inclusion of eyes, especially when you pair it with line 24, which I will move on to right now...
24: This is an image that just ingrained itself into my mind when I read it. It is so easy to relate into my own life, and I'm sure this holds true for most of the people who read this. It is such a common excuse that people use when they are trying to hide their sadness, and it really puts the reader into the middle of the piece, gets them into the mind of the narrator. It lets us become emotionally involved, which is perfect as you move into your kicker of a last stanza. And can I just say, regret is such a good choice of word. It is word that is jam-packed with emotion, which is perfect to end the stanza in. It also sums up the feelings that you have been throwing at is so far incredibly well.
25-33: I am going to do your whole last stanza together. Here is all I have to say about it: DON'T CHANGE IT. It invokes such a strong emotional response from the reader. On a word and image level you have some big-hitters in this last stanza. Out of pure pleasure, I will take some time to point out some that work incredibly well. The word 'concusses' is tremendous. When it comes to choosing words that do work within a sentence, this is an example of a word that does more than holds its own. It makes the sentence magical and in your face at the same time. "And some chemical you won't put a name to because you say that you just don't feel enough." This is so good! To be swimming in this along with sadness is another heavy-hitting image. Wonderful! And your final line. Oh my dear God is your last line beyond wonderful. So stunning, agonizing, eerie, and haunting. It resonates like a church bell at a funeral (if that makes any sense). Sad and beautiful, tragic and sublime, all at the same time. I have nothing to say other than thank you.
Title: The final piece to the puzzle, and often the most difficult, but also on of the most important. I am happy to say your title is one of the reasons I read this in the first place. It sets the tone for the piece so well, so nothing else to say other than well done on picking an appropriate title.
Final thoughts: Thank you so much. I have enjoyed reading this piece, and it has gotten even better each time I have read it. I have thoroughly enjoyed the three hours and 2660 words I put into this critiquing this piece e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="25" height="16" alt="
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Sad, hard and beautiful. I like the ceiling reads me poetry and the trees call my name.
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I have never written a critique before, but I think I might just have to for this one as long as you have no objections...? This piece is so beautiful, poignant, and painful. I am proud to say it almost made me cry reading it. Well done, very well done.
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I would loveee a critique.
You make me smileeee.
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There ya go! Took me long enough...but it was worth it. I think I might like the poem even more now
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:]]]]]]]
It made me smilee. :]
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Well I am perfectly thrilled that my English Major nature can bring a smile to some one's face
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This is a well written piece perfectly displaying the daily struggle of someone dealing with depression.
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This is amazing <3
And I don't think it goes off on a tangent. c:
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I read this even though you told me not to. It's definitely not bad, and that DLD isn't too shabby either.
Nicely done, Caitlin.
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Say truth as early in life as you can or you will spend your decades in misery.
Defy convention. When you spare someone else's sensibilities, you crush your own.
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Very painful, and even more beautiful. 
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Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by 
Keep writing and keep creating.
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It was our pleasure
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To answer your question, the connection is very apparent to me. It flows nicely from stanza to stanza.
This piece gave me shudders. It's a feeling I've felt, a thought I've entertained, a wish I wished, but different enough for it to still be uniquely yours. This is a brilliant piece.
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"So tonight, I'll forget we're still children and let myself die again.
And tomorrow you will hold me and pretend I'm still alive."
cliche to point out the ending maybe, but this is gorgeous.
and i think the ending is totally connected, i didn't get lost or feel a break in it. it all just kind of flowed like a thought, start to end. again, love.
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This is so incredibly beautiful. The desperation and pain the narrator feels is so urgent and apparent.
I can't believe you're only sixteen, you write so well. There is such a precision to your writing that I've never seen anywhere else.
I can't wait until you're published.
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'and the look in your eyes when I say,
"No, I'm just tired, I promise." will not look like regret.'
too true
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this is absolutely gorgeous. i love this. so much. its beautiful. i love the imagery. i cant even pull out my favorite parts, because i just love everything about this.
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Wow.
This is a stunning piece of writing.
I lovelove the ending... just whoa.
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Don't cry.
I love you.
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