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smkoehl — Almost-
Published: 2010-08-18 20:40:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 1465; Favourites: 44; Downloads: 6
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Description
There was a boy with two middle namesand he lived almost-alone.
He had scars that weren't accidents and not his fault.
On his seventeenth birthday a girl moved in next door
and he found out that cheap bottles shatter
and embed into your skin,
then his almost-father fell asleep
and he left so he could be really-alone.
There was a boy with eyes as pale as the sun
and he was almost-beautiful.
He knew all the constellations by heart
and loved to be outside when the leaves fell.
Once the girl-next-door found him sleeping
under the trees and when he woke up she was gone;
later he realized she'd stolen his heart
in the form of spiral notebooks.
There was a boy with a shy smile
and he was almost-happy.
He was always sure it could be worse,
but his heart was too soft to harden to all of life's breaks,
and his skin was too bruised to soften the blows.
He had calloused hands and broken ribs;
one day he let her see the scars.
There is a girl with bright eyes
and she is almost-relieved.
She has the heart of a beautiful boy in her dresser
and she misses him.
Comments: 51
Beautiful tragedies always touch my heart.
Do you know that feeling when you create a character that is so close to you? I guess that'v what happens when you create that character with love and honesty.
The boy in this story seems to be so close.
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The character has been part of my self for a long time;
I've been trying to get that story out for a while.
Thank you so much for reading it. :]
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I love the title, the way it ends with a '-', it makes me wonder.
First stanza:
When I read "almost-alone" I loved it immediately.
"He had scars that weren't accidents and not his fault."
This simple line speaks a lot and I think that it is very well done.
"really-alone" is also very nice, it fits in well with the "almost-"
This has laid the introduction very well, with simple words but huge impact.
Second stanza:
Very well written. I have absolutely nothing to say.
Third stanza:
"his heart was too soft to harden to all life's breaks"
could be
"his heart was too soft to harden to all of life's breaks"
"one day he let her see the scars" I like the way this leads us to the next part of the story. And the way you said "the scars" instead of "his scars" as though the scars weren't his because he didn't cause them.
Last stanza:
I don't get why she is "almost-relieved".
I'm guessing something happened that caused them to separate.
Overall:
I think this is very, very well written and very touching. With your simple words you have painted a broken but beautiful picture of the boy. The girl is more of a second character, and I fell in love with the boy first.
However I think that the ending is slightly vague as to why they have been separated. Did he die? Did his father kill him in one of his fits? Or did they just move?
I also don't see the reason to put the last stanza in bold.
Response to Artist Comments:
"write me something tragic" you've done it.
... the boy and the girl are the same person? Erm so you mean he went for a sex change and his heart as a boy is in the dresser and now he's a girl but he still misses his past self? And that the girl next door that stole his notebook is actually his future self? I guess it does make sense that way...
And well, as I have mentioned, the ending isn't quite clear so I guess you could add a single sentence, something like "There had been a boy who wasn't afraid of the dark, but now that's where he is." then continue to the "And there is a girl with bright eyes..." (notice the "had been" instead of the "was" and "is" contrast that isn't really noticeable.
Hope this helps!
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Wow,thank you very much,
I can see how the ending can be confusing,
I'm really glad for the advice :]
I shall look it over and see what I can do.
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you're most welcome, I'm happy that it helped!
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I'm blown away! the way you portray the boy and girl's lives is incredible
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Thank you very very much! :]
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I honestly love this so much. It's almost-perfect. (Bad pun. 
I got the impression of domestic violence in the first stanza, which is a very commonly used theme, but you don't execute it in the typical (somewhat cheesy) manner. It's actually very well written; being in-direct and using an almost "casual" word-setting. It makes the events seem all the more tragic.
I'll admit I'm struggling to understand the final stanza a little, but I have three theories on it.
1) The girl murdered the boy and literally has his heart in her dresser. That or the boy was killed by his father.
2) By heart, you were reffering to the words in the notebooks, mentioned in Stanza 2. The boy on the other hand... killed himself?
3) He got a sex-change and heart is a euphimism for penis.
I don't think any of those theories are quite right. I'm you'll be able to set me straight, haha.
You rarely mention the girl, right up until the last stanza, but you do describe her as being almost identical to the boy. Are they in any way related to one another?
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Number two is correct! Though his form of death/disappearance is for you to interpret as you'd like (personally I go with his father accidentally killing him during an 'episode')
The girl;I don't know, she's there and I feel like she belongs there, and I don't know what her meaning is,but I guess,I just felt like he deserved to have someone miss him and to have someone to love.
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Haha, yeah. It'd be cruel of you to let him die alone.
Speaking of... [link]
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Oh my goodness :]
I love the song,
and must ask myself why I've not listened to her before. :c
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Thank you very very much. A lolli for you.
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This is...wow. Gorgeous. 
I'm going to look at the rest of your gallery now.
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I don't think there are many issues with the narrative flow. The fact that this is one pair of individuals was very clear for me. However, it's not entirely clear what happens and there are 3 different interpretations (and depending on your head space each could be valid)
1) He learns to trust her completely (happy ending)
2) He is found dead for an unknown reason (sad ending)
3) He commits suicide (tragic ending), or simply leaves
Now, the issues are that we don't know how close they become before the final stanza; We also don't know very much about the girl. I suspect it's the suicide "and she misses him", "He had calloused hands and broken ribs;" but he could simply have been beaten to death. Further more she could miss him because they are together but apart right now.
With all that said, the overall language is beautiful and with a little more clarity this could be a real heart breaker, something like a Springsteen or Joy Division song quality.
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I love the way you have gone about this, with the hedges and "almosts" because life is very rarely clear-cut.
This piece is extremely tragic, and you show us exactly who this boy is right away: "he had scars that weren't accidents and not his fault" is an extremely telling line, which sets up the reader for the end of the piece. I had to think about the end, in order to figure out what (I believe) happens, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. There are clues throughout the piece and I really love it when an author does not spoon-feed me everything.
The one line that I am unsure of is "later he realized she'd stolen his heart/in the form of spiral notebooks." It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece, there doesn't seem to be a clear meaning behind it.
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The 'heart in the form of spiral notebooks' is definitely a personal thing,I took that bit from myself. I write in spiral notebooks and call it my heart,if you have/read my notebooks you have my heart,it's all there. :]
Thank you very much for the feedback,
I really appreciate it.
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Interesting and mysterious concept. I enjoyed it very much.
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Well, first of all, congratulations. 
and he found out that cheap bottles shatter
and embed into your skin,
then his almost-father fell asleep
and he left so he could be really-alone.
Two main things I got out of that were domestic violence, and the nice hook line with another tie-in at the end (he's almost alone, now he's really alone).
I was a little slow to realise that it was the same boy, but I feel that you have made it quite clear. The repetition of the "There was a boy with.../and he was almost-..." I could tell the girl was the same throughout.
The story is pretty clear up until the end. What I'm thinking is that they moved apart. The girl still has the boy's books in her dresser. That's what I want to believe, at least. I think he died. His actual death would only really be referenced in that "and she misses him" line. As it is now, I like the ambiguity. Unless you really wanted to convey one idea, I'd really suggest you leave it like this.
There's more I'd like to say, but it's about 1:30AM here, and I'm not really in my best form. So I'll finish with telling you that I really do like this story, and am 
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Wow,I really appreciate the detailed feedback.
I actually worried about that bit you gave as example,
I liked it,but didn't know how well it worked.
I was trying to give the impression of his death at the end,
but I wanted to leave it a bit open.
and I thank you thank you thank you for how kind you've been
and for reading this in the first place
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I hope you feel more confident about that part now.
There was some ambiguity, but enough information to make a guess about it. I'd say you were a success on that point, if that was your goal.
You're welcome!
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I loved it. To me, it almost felt as if the boy were different boys; yet different aspects of one part of his personality and situations. Loved it!
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Thanks you
very much:] I'm always glad to hear the way a reader interprets things
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Hope you had a jacket on,haha,
:] Thank you very much for commenting,
it really encourages me to hear/read that
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this is really really beautiful. REALLY really beautiful. one of my fav pieces. <3
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Wow,thank you so much
I'm kinda in love with it,haha.
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you should be, tis most amaaazing.
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Thank you (: very much
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Thank you for (almost) inspiring this: [link]
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You're welcome,I'm honored,
and Thank You.
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Thank you very much,
I'm kind of in love with it right now. (:
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