themonkeydude5 [2012-03-28 19:04:24 +0000 UTC]
This sounds like it could be a start of a very good story! It was humorous and entertaining. I know that in England people use "quid" to refer to pounds. It is just the same as Americans calling dollars "bucks"?
Now, I am sorry to do this to you, but I actually found several spelling errors throughout the story. I will point them out because the story will flow better with them fixed:
rubbed the sopt -> rubbed the spot
looking aat -> looking at
will be queuing -> will be queueing
Hana frowned, ... -> Hanna frowned ... (no comma needed)
is it really ... . -> is it really ... ? (there was no question mark)
it's shelves -> its shelves
bubbling in he rmouth -> bubbling in her mouth
took the oppertunity - took the opportunity
There was also many comma splices as well.
I don't really care if you think that I am being a douche or a "grammar nazi" (I really hate this term), but I think of this as helping, not criticizing. I know that you will end up fixing these mistakes even if you think I am being a douche.
Other than that, good start!
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