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The-Triforce-Kid — Trapped Chapter.1 part.1 [NSFW]
Published: 2012-06-17 16:04:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 123; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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Description Chapter 1, Part 1: Louis and the Murder


One rainy night, a man was standing above his wife's corpse. Her body was laying on the floor, bleeding to death. The man was holding a knife, inhaling and exhaling. His daughter was shivering in the corner scared, with the window broken. Suddenly a police officer kicked in the door and aimed his gun at the man. He looked in shock at the gruesome scene. "You're under arrest! Put the knife down and come nice and easy!" the officer shouted, aiming his 9mm handgun at him. The man immediately dropped his knife. "You gotta understand, this is all a huge misunderstanding," he replied to the officer.


"This is unit 8-15, we need paramedics here a.s.a.p.," the officer said on his radio immediately after he came over to the man and handcuffed him. The man looked at his daughter before being dragged out to the police car in the rain and being put in the back of it. "Figures the one cooperative bastard I arrest this week and he's a full-fledged killer," the officer said and slammed the door, before stepping away from the police car to check on the man's daughter.


The man looked down at the floorboard. "Was… that real? No way, I… I saw it do it," the man was speaking random stuff. The police officer got into the driver's seat and started the car. They were driving the man coughed. "You have to understand! I was defending my family!" the man pleaded, but the officer growled at him. "Shut up! I don't wanna hear the 'I didn't do it' crap," the officer replied.


They stayed silent the rest of the drive as the officer was getting annoyed, looking at the man in the back of his car. The murderer was a young man with black hair and blue eyes, and looked like he was a lawyer. "So you're Louis Smith? The famous lawyer who has helped proven the innocence of one hundred people, if I'm correct?" the officer implied trying to keep Louis calm. He seemed mildly surprised, but was acting calm, but Louis appeared to be lost in his own thoughts. The officer sighed shaking his head. "You're the sanest bastard in the world. Guess that goes to show that not everyone is perfect," the officer stated just continuing to drive.


End of Chapter 1, Part 1
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Comments: 20

TeddyLama [2012-06-20 01:42:49 +0000 UTC]

A great start, I must say. This is for both a great start on the story, and the fact that this chapter's got a great start

To take the writing first, it is not bad. I'll mention ( like I use to) that the building of sentences are generally good, and so goes for the rest of the writing. one thing that I looked twice at, was this sentence: "...One rainy night, a man was standing above his wife's corpse. Her body was laying on the floor, bleeding to death. ..." you state that he stood above his wife's corpse, then you say that her body was laying on the floor, bleeding to death. Doesn't someone have to be alive to bleed to death ? I'm pretty sure that a corpse isn't alive You probably meant that she had bleed to death, or something similar ?

Other than that, this is an exciting start, and I love the fact that the father, a lawyer, is blamed for something he claims he haven't done. This is really promising

Good job on this one

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to TeddyLama [2012-06-20 01:51:35 +0000 UTC]

haha tanks a ton

an yeah i fuck up everywhere

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TeddyLama In reply to The-Triforce-Kid [2012-06-20 01:54:11 +0000 UTC]



No, not everywhere at all. Just that little thing with the corpse

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LucasSecretSister [2012-06-19 19:13:16 +0000 UTC]

nice very mysterious start

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to LucasSecretSister [2012-06-19 19:17:58 +0000 UTC]

i know right

favorite part?

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LucasSecretSister In reply to The-Triforce-Kid [2012-06-19 19:22:04 +0000 UTC]

when he is in the car with the officer

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to LucasSecretSister [2012-06-19 19:31:42 +0000 UTC]

haha tanks a ton

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LucasSecretSister In reply to The-Triforce-Kid [2012-06-19 19:34:23 +0000 UTC]

welcome

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Aelita15 [2012-06-18 22:57:52 +0000 UTC]

I hate cops that like say it was there fault ah whats the word acused crap cant spell anyway

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to Aelita15 [2012-06-18 23:03:29 +0000 UTC]

accused you spelt it right lol

tanks a ton favorite part?

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ShadowEevee128 [2012-06-17 17:22:37 +0000 UTC]

This is one of those times where I hate cops, when they don't listen to reason or even let the suspect tell their story and try to prove their innocence, they just assume everything and try to get through the case as quick as possible.

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to ShadowEevee128 [2012-06-17 17:43:15 +0000 UTC]

well you kidna need ot put 2 an 2 together to tell a guy has a knfei with his stabbed up dead wife on the ground lol

favorite part?

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ShadowEevee128 In reply to The-Triforce-Kid [2012-06-17 18:11:13 +0000 UTC]

The first paragraph

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to ShadowEevee128 [2012-06-17 18:13:36 +0000 UTC]

haha many tanks glad ya liked it

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The-Irish-Clover [2012-06-17 16:06:09 +0000 UTC]

Wow, the very start got me going already! x3 I wonder what Louis will do to resolve it...

Nice work!

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to The-Irish-Clover [2012-06-20 15:16:42 +0000 UTC]

my skype messed up one sec

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The-Irish-Clover In reply to The-Triforce-Kid [2012-06-20 15:17:06 +0000 UTC]

Okay.

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to The-Irish-Clover [2012-06-20 16:56:39 +0000 UTC]

sry my skype broke agani an ill see ya afterwrods

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The-Irish-Clover In reply to The-Triforce-Kid [2012-06-20 16:57:09 +0000 UTC]

It's okay... I'm kinda busy with a few things anyway.

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The-Triforce-Kid In reply to The-Irish-Clover [2012-06-17 16:08:24 +0000 UTC]

i dont know how you resolve murder

tanks a ton glad ya liked it

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