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ThomasInTheClouds — Shipwrecking
Published: 2013-01-05 20:51:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 470; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 20
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Description Stars are scattered like a broken strand
Of pearls on a dark hardwood floor.
Where ocean-wake meets land,
I stand while my thoughts wage war.

Lights from iron vessels flitter like a midnight circus.
I'm as lost as the moon behind incessant cloud.
Hands rickety as old barn and nervous
For my soul's pending purchase, I pray aloud.

Silently I slip below the surface
To become a shipwreck in the sand.
Light reaches water in fog amorphous,
While I become a memory; a skeleton damned.
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Comments: 18

Is-lnds [2013-01-17 04:58:18 +0000 UTC]

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to Is-lnds [2013-01-17 05:04:38 +0000 UTC]

Thank you

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maxnort [2013-01-08 16:45:19 +0000 UTC]

some of the imagery I see reflected around me - but I'm not commenting to talk about rhyme. I don't use it this way.

Imagery fault, last stanza:
slipping below the surface vs. shipwreck on the sand (and there has been no sand before in this work)
and then you're back in the water, finally seeing light?

maybe a view of the water from above before the light reaches it?

-m (it's hard to read sometimes how a statement is meant, I'm definitely Not trying to be mean, just commenting politely)

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to maxnort [2013-01-09 00:48:45 +0000 UTC]

I would never take constructive criticism to be mean! On the contrary, I appreciate it dearly.

I see what you're saying about clarifying "view of the water from above." I'm glad you caught that, because I hadn't noticed. I didn't think it would be necessary to mention sand before that stanza because I thought it would be somewhat obvious and redundant to mention it twice (one of the first things I immediately think of when I hear "ocean" is sand). However, I can definitely fit it in there if you think it needs a little more clarification.

Thanks for the input!

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SilverInkblot [2013-01-07 19:55:09 +0000 UTC]

Hello again! Here's the blog reading link: [link] Just paste that into your author comments, and I can submit this piece to the group! Thanks again for letting me read

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-07 21:17:30 +0000 UTC]

No problem :woot: Good luck!

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vespera [2013-01-07 16:44:16 +0000 UTC]

cloud/aloud is the only one that didn't feel %100 natural to me, but I really did enjoy this. Especially how you worked "floor" and "war" into a rhyme

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to vespera [2013-01-07 18:33:55 +0000 UTC]

I'll try to re-word it, thanks It's ironic that one of the only non-slant rhymes is the awkward one in the group

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vespera In reply to ThomasInTheClouds [2013-01-07 19:31:29 +0000 UTC]

that may be why - the others just snuck in for me and didn't sound sing-songy or anything. The rhythm with the slats seemed very natural to me.

Could be like when someone does a sonnet with all rhymes and only one is slant and it stands out?

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to vespera [2013-01-07 21:19:08 +0000 UTC]

Probably. I'll look for more ninja rhymes (sneaky).

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vespera In reply to ThomasInTheClouds [2013-01-07 22:14:06 +0000 UTC]

I'm totally going to start calling slant rhymes that!

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SilverInkblot [2013-01-05 21:18:41 +0000 UTC]

I really like this piece. Enough to ask if I can read it aloud for #Elocutionists

I think you're missing a period on the last line of your first stanza. Or at least I would have put one there. The opening image is very beautiful and not one I've ever seen before either.

I really, really like these lines:

Hands rickety as old barn and nervous
For my soul's pending purchase, I pray aloud.

I love your use of punctuation here. You've got all your pauses in just the right place to highlight the rhymes and make them stand out, but not so much that it screams THIS IS A RHYME SCHEME.

As a poem, it is rather vague. I wonder what the thoughts are warring over, or why the narrator is a "skeleton damned," but as far as lyricism goes, I think this is lovely. And I could be wrong, but was the ending an implied suicide? That's the impression I got, but I can't quite pull the trigger on that interpretation.

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-05 21:28:33 +0000 UTC]

Oh also, if you do end up using this piece to read aloud, shoot me a link of it. I'd love to hear it

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SilverInkblot In reply to ThomasInTheClouds [2013-01-05 21:37:37 +0000 UTC]

You can find the reading here: [link] (just hit the download button). If you approve, I'll get it uploaded to our reading blog. Then you can put that link in your comments and I'll submit it to the group

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-06 05:48:11 +0000 UTC]

That was phenomenal. The tone in your voice (which is morbidly elegant and beautiful) sets an astounding atmosphere. I definitely approve!

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SilverInkblot In reply to ThomasInTheClouds [2013-01-06 05:54:41 +0000 UTC]

Thank you I'll note you again when we get it on the blog

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ThomasInTheClouds In reply to SilverInkblot [2013-01-05 21:25:20 +0000 UTC]

I would be honored for you to read this aloud!

Yea, suicide is the prevalent thought but I wanted it to be "hazy" like life subtly ending. I can add a little more clarity to that thought, if you feel that it needs it.

Thanks for spotting the runaway period, also!

I'm glad you like it

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SilverInkblot In reply to ThomasInTheClouds [2013-01-05 21:34:39 +0000 UTC]

I'd say that's up to you - the suicide was hazy, but it was there just enough for me to pick up on it. And I can be pretty dense when it comes to poetry

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