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Threadbare South Park
Episode #2: "Brainwashing"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 2)

NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It contains naughty language and a surprisingly tolerable original character. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Enjoy.
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ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP....POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
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There are police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks in front of Charlie's house. Kyle is wrapped in a blanket on the curb, looking terrified. He's holding a baby boy, and Becca is sitting next to him.

Becca: Is Charlie okay?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Where's my mommy?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Who—

Kyle: Please be quiet.

The girl stops talking. A police officer comes up to the kids.

Officer: Kid, we have to ask you a few questions.

Kyle: Me?

Officer: Yeah, you, buddy. Don't mess around.

Just then, Sheila runs up.

Sheila: Kyle! Kyle, sweetheart, what happened?

Officer: Ma'am, is this your son?

Sheila: Yes.

Officer: We have to take him in for questioning.

Sheila looks horrified and Kyle looks mad.

Kyle: What the hell for? I didn't do anything!

Sheila: I can assure you, officer, my son is a good kid.

Officer: Don't be a bitch, ma'am. I'm just doing my job. I have to ask him a few questions about the whole situation.

Sheila: Excuse me?

Kyle: Mom, could you hold the baby?

Sheila: Well, I—

Kyle hands the baby to her and walks away with the officer.

Officer to Kyle: All right, son, we just want to get the facts. How did you find the girl?

Kyle: I was coming over to… to visit, and there were no parents home. Her little sister just let me in. And I found her on the ground and called 9-1-1. [Pause] Is she dead?

Officer: No, son, but I have to ask you an important question: Did you try to kill the little girl?

Kyle: No!

Officer: All right. We have someone special to talk to you a little more; a certified psychoanalyst.

Mr. Mackey walks up.

Mr. Mackey: Hey Kyle.

Kyle: Mr. Mackey?

Mr. Mackey: I'm on the police force during weekends and afternoons. I need to talk to you for a little while in my office, m'kay?

Kyle: …M'kay.
________________________________________

It's the next day at school. The boys are sitting in their normal places, with Cartman in what was Charlie's desk. Everyone looks content but Kyle, who has bags under his eyes.

Stan to Kyle: Dude, what happened yesterday?

Kyle: Apparently, Charlie's bitch mom tried to murder her. And Mr. Mackey grilled me about it for six hours.

Mr. Garrison enters.

Mr. Garrison: All right, class, let's settle down and get started! In light of recent events, Mr. Hat is going to put on a special presentation for you today.

Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison! It's called CAMAD; Child Abusers/Molesters Are Dangerous. [He writes the acronym on the board]. Class, say that with us.

Class: Child abusers/molesters are dangerous.

Mr. Garrison: Good! Thanks, Mr. Hat. Now I'm going to continue on this topic for just a few minutes before we get started with our normal classes. First off, let's define child abuse. Kyle, what's child abuse?

Kyle: I wasn't raising my hand.

Mr. Garrison: I know. What's child abuse, Kyle?

Kyle: When an adult beats up a child.

Mr. Garrison: You've got the right idea, Kyle. But there's more to child abuse than just that. DAPDET is another acronym you can use to help you remember what can cause child abuse in a lot of cases. DAPDET means "Drunk, Angry Parents Do Evil Things". So stay out of your parents' way when they come home from a party, kids. Now, child abusers can be a parent or another adult close to a child doing things like hitting them, forcing them to eat or drink something dangerous, starving them, or molesting them. Does anyone know what molesting is? Yes, Butters?

Butters: That's when your Grandpa pulls down your pants and takes pictures of you, and then touches your privates. But he stops before your mom comes to take you home. Then they come and take him to a special place.

Mr. Garrison: …Um, right. Child molestation is when an adult touches a child in a private area or asks a child to touch them in their private area. Now, this is the most important part of this subject, kids. If you ever, ever think that you or someone you know is being abused, tell an adult right away, even if the person asks you not to. TARA, remember that – Tell an Adult Right Away. You could talk to me, the guidance counselor, your parent, or the principal. We're your friends, remember that.

Stan: No you're not.

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Stan, it's just a phrase. And you shouldn't be talking. YOU and your little friends didn't TARA, and now a little girl is in the hospital.

Kyle: Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: What?

Kyle: I did TARA, or at least, I told somebody the next day. But that only made it worse. Mr. Mackey called Charlie's mom and that's when she hurt Charlie really bad.

Mr. Garrison: Okay, class, let me correct myself: you can talk to me, a parent, or the principal, but please, do NOT talk to Mr. Mackey. He's a complete dumb shit. Now are there any questions? Yes, Bebe?

Bebe: Is she going to die?

Mr. Garrison: We don't think so, Bebe, but thanks for asking. I'm sure that we're all very worried about Charlie, right class?

There are scattered nods.

Kenny (angrily): (You're never worried about me!)

Mr. Garrison: That's 'cause we don't care if you die, Kenny. Honestly, it's getting old, if you ask me. Now that we have THAT talk done with, let's move on to the Oregon Trail!

The class groans.

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little fags! I think this is just as retarded as you do, so we'll have to grin and bear it together, alright?
________________________________________

The four line up in the cafeteria. Kyle looks pissed off.

Chef: Hello children! How are you doing today?

All but Kyle: Fine, Chef.

Kyle: I dunno, Chef, I'm a little pissed off.

Chef: What's wrong, children?

Kyle: Well, yesterday, you told me to tell the guidance counselor about what was going on. So I told him. Then he called the Charlie's mom, and now she's in the hospital.

Chef: Oh, children, that's a tight situation, isn't it?

Cartman: Can all of us who don't give a crap get our food now?

Chef gives Cartman his food. Kenny hands over his tray too. They both leave.

Kyle: Got any other bright ideas of how I can "help" people, Chef?

Chef: Now, children, I know you might all be a little confused. Let me sing you a little song that could help you understand… "When you're feelin' down and blue, there's just one thing you should do… I'm gonna make love to you woman, I'm gonna lay you down—"

Kyle: Goddamn it, Chef! Thanks a lot.

Kyle walks away angrily. Stan follows uncomfortably.

Kyle (mumbling): Goddamn idiot, he doesn't know anything about anything.

Cartman: I always sort of liked that song: "I'm gonna make love to ya woman…" [Continues humming.]

Kyle: Shut up, fat-ass.

Cartman: Well, SOMEBODY'S a little cranky today.

Kyle: I said to shut up.

Cartman (mimicking): I said to shut up!

Kyle: Cut it out!

Cartman: Cut it out!

Kyle: That's mature.

Cartman: That's mature.

Kyle: I'm a fat ugly bastard.

Cartman: Yeah, you're a fat ugly bastard with a stupid fat bitch-whore for a mom and a scrawny-dicked Canadian little brother!

Kyle: I hate you. So much.
________________________________________

Now in Hell's Gate hospital, there are doctors in a room standing around a patient. They are taking notes and studying her carefully. The heart machine goes steady for a minute before speeding up for a moment, then becoming a constant, long beep. The main doctor is a young and sort of buff man.

Doctor: No! No! Don't give up on us now, kid! Come on, you've done so well!

The child can't be seen, but blood splatters onto the face of the doctor.

Doctor: Noooo! It's times like this when I hate my job. [He takes off his stethoscope and sighs.] Another one bites the dust. [A nurse wipes the blood off of his forehead.] Thanks, Mindy. Please, dispose of the body. And be gentle.

The nurse picks up the body and hurls it out the window. The doctor looks out at the huge pile of corpses rotting behind the hospital.

Doctor (mumbling to himself): This is a really bad hospital.

Another nurse rushes up.

Nurse: The new patient is in. She's in room 224.

The doctor sighs deeply.

Doctor: Mindy, cover for me for a few minutes. [He sits in a couch outside the room he was in earlier.] I've got to take a breather.

Mindy: Certainly, doctor.

Mindy walks into room 224. Charlie is asleep on a bed with lots of tubes, monitors, and wires attached to her. Mindy picks up a clipboard on the counter of the room and reads it.

Mindy: Mhm. Mhm. Oh dear. Oh my.

After a few moments, the doctor walks in.

Doctor: What's the issue here, Mindy?

Mindy: This girl was beaten and fed bleach, doctor.

Doctor: Great balls of fire!

Mindy: It was her mother.

Doctor: What is this world coming to? Mothers beating their children, hospitals dumping corpses out the windows, global warming. All this pressure. I hate my job.

Mindy: What can we do?

Doctor: Hybrid cars, that's the best way, Mindy. Hybrid cars.

Mindy: No, I mean the girl, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. Well, normally we would start by administering E… Epi… [Sigh] The medicine that makes you throw up.

Mindy: Epicac, Doctor.

Doctor: Yes, that. But in her state of unconsciousness, we should use laxatives.

Mindy: Laxatives?

Doctor: Yes, laxatives. Mountains of laxatives. We need to get the peroxide out of her system, Nurse. You know where to find them, right?

Mindy (sighing): Yes doctor, I'll go get the laxatives out of your car.

Doctor (tossing her the keys): My Hybrid, Mindy. It's a hybrid.

Mindy walks out. She returns a moment later.

Mindy: There are two little kids out here, doctor.

The doctor walks out of the room. There is an annoyed-looking fireman holding a baby, and a little girl is swinging around on his legs, singing a song dramatically.

Fireman: What the hell am I supposed to do with two little kids, man? Get them some danged babysitters. [He hands the baby to Mindy]. Took you long enough to get out here, anyway.

He shakes Becca off his leg and stomps away.

Mindy: We have to find temporary homes for these children, Doctor.

Doctor: Of course. Now put down the baby and get those laxatives, pronto.

Mindy sighs, hands the doctor the baby, and walks away. The doctor puts the baby on the ground in the room. He starts to crawl around. The doctor flips through the sheets on the clipboard.

Doctor: Contacts, contacts… Ah, contacts!

There are five lines. Only one is filled out in kiddy handwriting as "Kyle Broflovski" with a phone number.

Doctor: Kyle… Br… Brof… Bruffle… Bruh… Bruh…

This continues for a little while until Mindy returns with the car keys, laxatives, and an "Us" magazine.

Mindy: Just in case you get bored again, Doctor.

Doctor: Ah, thank you, Nurse. I think I might have some place to put the kids. Kyle Brof… Bruh…

Mindy looks at the sheet.

Mindy: Broflovski, Doctor. It's Broflovski.

Doctor: Right. [He squints his eyes dramatically.] Broflovski.
________________________________________

Kyle comes home from school, looking tired and upset. He slams the door behind him, sighing.

Sheila from the kitchen: Kyle, get in here, NOW.

Kyle (tiredly): What is it, Mom?

Kyle walks into the kitchen and looks shocked when he sees his mother changing a baby's diaper.

Kyle (recognizing the baby but pretending not to): You didn't tell me you were going to have another baby, Mom!

Sheila: You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.
________________________________________

A long conversation later…

Sheila: I just don't feel comfortable with you giving out our phone number to random people on the street, Kyle.

Kyle: Mom. It was a police officer.

Sheila: That's even worse! And now we're stuck with another baby in our house for over a week! Why do you think we adopted? Do I look like the person who wants to go through the pains of rearing an infant again?

Kyle looks at his mom for a moment.

Kyle: No.

Sheila: Excuse me?

The phone rings.

Sheila: We're not done with this, Kyle. Don't move a muscle. [She picks up the phone.] Hello? Do you have to? We're in the middle of a really important—Oh. Well, don't be long.

She hands the phone to Kyle.

Sheila: It's your little friend Stanley.

Kyle: Hello?

Stan: Dude, I heard about the baby!

Kyle (covering his mouth so his mom can't tell what he's saying): Yeah. My mom's pretty pissed off.
Stan: Well, you won't believe where Charlie's other sibling is.

Kyle: What, do you have her?
________________________________________

Cartman: Mo-om, I don't want another kid in our house!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, sweetie, it'll only be for a little while. Don't worry.

Cartman (pretending to cry as dramatic music plays): But… don't you love me? Am I not good enough for you? [He sobs dramatically.]

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Eric, sweetheart… I love you more than anything else in the whole world, you know that.

Cartman: Yeah? Yeah, if that was true, then you wouldn't shove me to the side and bring another child into this household! Am I right?

Ms. Cartman: Eric—

Cartman: Am I right?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie.

Cartman: Lies, lies, all lies! I can see right through you, woman! You can't pull the curtain over my eyes! You're a monster! A treacherous monster!

Ms. Cartman (hugging Cartman): Oh, sweetie, how can I show you just how much I love you?

Cartman (sniffling): All I ask… is that you don't make me share a room with the little brat.

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie. She'll stay in the guest bedroom.

Cartman: I love you, Mommy.

Ms. Cartman: I love you too, sweetheart. Now, why don't you show little Becca around? She's such a darling.

The music stops.

Cartman: Oh, goddamn it!
________________________________________

A few minutes later, Cartman is showing Becca around. They reach his room.

Cartman: This is my bedroom. You can't ever come in here without my permission. Do I make myself clear?

Becca: Yeah. Is that a MegaMan? [She runs into his room.]

Cartman: Goddamn it! Get out of my room, you little freak! [He picks her up.] And it's not a MegaMan, it's an UltraRetroMegaMan. It cost $45 dollars and I love it very much.

Becca: Wow…

Cartman drops her outside his room.

Cartman: You ever touch anything of mine in this room, in the bathroom, under the kitchen table, behind the T.V., and ESPECIALLY in the refrigerator, I'm gonna kick you in the face.

Becca nods solemnly.

Becca: Like Mommy did to Charlie.

Cartman: Exactly. All right, now that we have that straightened out, we've come to the end of our tour… my mom's bedroom. We're never allowed inside. Especially not during the weekends or after 7:30 PM. It's a rule. Even I follow it.

Becca: What if I have a nightmare?

Cartman: Tough beans, kiddo. Get a teddy bear or something.

Becca: Why do I have to stay here?

Cartman: 'Cause your mommy sucks and my dumbass friend's bitchy mom called and asked us to keep you.

Becca: Are you my new brother?

Cartman: Goddamn it, I'm nobody's brother! Stop asking stupid questions like that. [To himself] Wow, I almost feel bad for what Mr. Garrison goes through day after day after day… Ha-ha, no, what was I thinking?

Becca: Just one more question?

Cartman: Fine, but if it pisses me off I'm kicking you out.

Becca: Where are the toys?

Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!
________________________________________

Cartman is lining up his old toys and looking through them.

Cartman: Hmm… Do you like Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Becca: Which one's Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Cartman (picks up a stuffed bunny): This one.

Becca: Yeah, I love bunnies!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have it. Do you like… Polly Prissy-Pants?

Becca: Yeah!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have her either! Do you like… Timmy the Freight Train?

Becca: No.

Cartman: Here, you can have him. Um… Do you like Mr. Bananapants, the monkey?

Becca (after hesitating a moment): No.

Cartman: Ha, stupid little kid! Go ahead, play with Mr. Bananapants!

Becca picks up the monkey and hugs it.

Cartman: Goddamn it!
________________________________________
The boys are waiting at the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman look thoroughly exhausted.

Stan: What's got you guys?

Cartman: The stupid little kid kept coming into my room last night! I nearly hit her over the head with my UltraRetroMegaMan! Goddamn it, I hate this stupid… [yawns]… stupid.

Kyle: Baby crying.

The bus stops for them.

Ms. Crabtree: Get on the bus! No pushing! Sit down and shut up!

Cartman: Well, Kyle, I hope you're happy. You just had to go and get your dumb little friend's mom arrested.

Kyle (still too tired for full sentences): Shut it.
________________________________________

Again, at the hospital...

Mindy: Well, Doctor, I hope you're happy. We've collected six pounds of crap from the patient without any results.

Doctor: Damn it, Mindy, don't rush the process! And for your information, the reports came back this morning and said that there is 45% less peroxide in her body. So nyeah to your back-sassing. We just need to find a way to speed up the recovery.

Mindy: Doctor, may I make a suggestion?

Doctor: Shoot.

Mindy: Surgery.

Doctor: Mindy, you think that being a doctor is all, "Cut that open" and "sew that closed". There's more to the practice than stitches, Mindy.

Mindy: She's suffering from heavy internal bleeding and peroxide poisoning. Cut her open, fix her insides, sew her closed.

Doctor (sighing): Mindy, it's hard for me to say this. I mean look at me! I'm a rich, handsome, well-educated young man. I could be successful in nearly anything I chose to do.

Mindy stares at him blankly.

Doctor: But… I have a confession to make. Mindy, [he shakes his head mournfully], I'm a bad doctor.

Mindy: Yeah. I know.

The doctor slides down the wall and begins to sob.

Mindy: Doctor? Doctor? Regain your composure, Doctor.

He shakes his head.

Mindy: Tom, snap out of it!

Doctor: You know I'm suffering from an inferiority complex, Mindy. Do you know how hard it is for me to sit here and listen to your criticism 24-7?

Mindy sighs.

Mindy: Take a break and read "Us" for awhile, Doctor. I'll take it from here.

The doctor whimpers pathetically and opens up "Us".

Mindy takes a plastic tube and sticks it down Charlie's throat. Carefully, she pumps out the contents of her stomach, including blood and the remainder of the peroxide. While doing this, the Doctor giggles.

Doctor: No, Mindy, Mindy: What do you get when you mix Britney and Lindsey?

Mindy: Doctor—

Doctor: I don't know, but it'll get you a hell of a lot worse than DUI!

Mindy: I'm trying to pump a stomach here, Doctor. Take that in the hall if you're going to read the jokes.

Giggling to himself, the doctor leaves the room. As Mindy finishes pumping the stomach, she readjusts where a few of the needles are in Charlie's arms and adds a few chemicals to the water bag that's nourishing her body. The doctor peeks his head in.

Doctor: Mindy! Mindy!

Mindy: WHAT, Doctor?

Doctor: What's the only thing uglier than Paris Hilton's Chihuahua?

Mindy: I don't care, Doctor.

Doctor: Her FACE!

Charlie's eyes flutter open. She tries to talk, but can't since her throat's so scratchy from the tube.

Mindy: Doctor! Doctor, she's conscious!

The Doctor rushes into the room.

Doctor: Laughter therapy. It's the best there is. She must have heard that Paris joke.

Mindy puts a notebook on Charlie's lap.

Mindy: What is your name?

Charlie scrawls an answer. Mindy looks satisfied that she's in her right mind.

Mindy: Is there anything you need, dear?

She gives her the notebook again, and Charlie scrawls: "Recline". Mindy reclines her seat a little. Charlie then writes: "Sister and brother?"

Mindy: They're fine. They're being taken care of by local families.

A second later, Charlie's asleep.

Doctor: …Did she…die?

Mindy: No.

Doctor: Yes!
________________________________________

Kyle knocks on the Cartmans' door. He has a stroller with him and Ike is bouncing around close to it.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle! Can I help you?

Kyle (still exhausted): Mom thinks the baby's scared 'cause he doesn't have his siblings. We need to see the little girl.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, just take him around back. She and Eric are playing in the backyard.

Kyle: Playing?

He pushes the stroller to the backyard. Cartman and Becca are sitting on a picnic blanket with a tea set and stuffed animals.

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Hello, Mr. Bananapants. How are you today?

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: I'm just splendid, Mr. Fuzzlebuns. Thanks for coming to my party.

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Oh, no problem at all. I brought you banana bread as a present.

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: Oh, my favorite! Thanks, Mr. Fuzzlebuns.

Kyle clears his throat. Cartman drops his stuffed animal.

Cartman: Stupid kid! Stop bothering me! For the last time, I don't want to play with your stupid little dolls!

Becca: But these are YOURS.

Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle. I just noticed you now.

Becca jumps up.

Becca: Davy! [She leans over the stroller] Hello, Davy!

Davy giggles and spits up.

Kyle: Stupid baby. [He wipes up the spit-up.]

Becca: Hey, my little brother isn't stupid! You're the stupid one! [She picks up Davy] Has he been mean to you since yesterday? Poor baby.

She puts the spit-up rag over her shoulder and pats his back. He burps, spits up, and coos.

Becca: Babies do that a lot.

Cartman: Kick ass.

Kyle: How old are you, anyway?

Becca: Four and a half. I turn five on April 15th. I'm almost four and three quarters, but not quite.

Kyle: Four would have been okay too, but, sure. Happy early three quarters birthday.

Becca notices Ike.

Becca: Is that your brother?

Kyle: Kind of, but not really. He's just adopted.

Becca: How old is he?

Kyle: Two.

Becca: Two and a half, or just two?

Kyle: Two and a half. Do you have to ask all these stupid questions?

Cartman: Don't be so naïve, Kyle. She's four and half. It's in her nature.

Kyle: Since when do you know a shit about that sort of thing?

Cartman: Since this morning. The internet, Kyle, duh. Haven't you Jews learned about that sort of thing yet?

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You were the one who was playing Mr. Fuzzlebuns and Monkey Man just now.
Cartman: I was not, you stupid lying Jew! And it's not Monkey Man, his name is Mr. Bananapants!

Pause.

Kyle: We're gonna go now. Kid, could you put the baby back in his stroller?

Becca: Only if you promise not to call him stupid.

Kyle: What?

Becca: Only if you promise—

Kyle: Okay, whatever. Fine. Put it back now.

Becca: Promise!

Kyle (sighing and rolling his eyes): I promise not to call the infant stupid.

Becca: That didn't sound sincere.

Kyle (snatching the baby away from her): Shut up! God, you're so annoying! C'mon, Ike, we're going home.

Ike: Brother.

Kyle: Shut up, Ike!

They leave. Cartman and Becca stare after them for awhile, then Becca starts crying.

Cartman: Oh shit. Becca? Little girl? Becca? Stop crying.

Becca starts crying harder.

Cartman: Oh, Jesus… Uh… [He starts singing "Cat's in the Cradle."] "My child arrived just the other day. He came into the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay."

Becca looks up, sniffling.

Cartman (singing): "He learned to walk while I was away. And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew, he'd say, 'I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.' And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. 'When you comin' home, Dad?' 'I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time then.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "My son turned ten just the other day. He said, 'Thanks for the ball, Dad come on, let's play.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "'Can you teach me to throw?' I said 'Not today, I got a lot to do.' He said, 'That's okay.' And he walked away but his smile never dimmed. And said, 'I'm gonna be like him, yeah.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman: "'You know I'm gonna be just like him.' And the cat's in the cradle—"

Becca: ERIC!

Cartman: Huh? What? What?

Becca: My brother's in a bad home! I don't want him living there!

She continues crying.

Cartman (gasping): Oh my God. Your infant brother is living in a Jewish household! You know what that means, right?

Becca (sniffling): They call him stupid?

Cartman: Yes, and in addition to that, they're going to convert him to Judaism!

Becca: What does that mean?

Cartman: It's too horrendous a thing to taint your innocent young mind with.

Becca: Is it bad?

Cartman: Oh yeah. It's really bad. Your brother spends more than a week with those Jewish brainwashing monsters, and he'll never be the same again.

Becca: I don't want my brother living with Jewish brainwashing monsters!

Cartman: Then we'll have to do something, won't we?

Becca runs to the back door.

Becca: Ms. Cartman! My little brother is living with [Cartman covers her mouth] mmm mmmm mmm…

Cartman: Don't say it to her. She'll freeze up. She won't know what to do. She has enough troubles on her pathetic middle-aged mind already without worrying about infants becoming Jews.

Becca: Then what can we do?

Cartman: There's only one thing we can do.
________________________________________

Cartman is holding a phone and Becca is standing next to him nervously.

Cartman: Pick up, pick up! [To Becca] Jews are notoriously lazy.

Sheila (on other line): Hello?

Cartman: Hello, Mrs. Broflovski, ma'am. I was just wondering if I could have a polite conversation with your oldest son Kyle.

Sheila: One sec, I'll get him.

There is a pause for a few seconds.

Kyle: What is it, fat-ass?

Cartman: Don't play stupid with me, Kyle. I can see right through your questioning tone. You disgust me.

Kyle: What are you talking about?

Cartman: Don't think we don't know what's going on in your house behind closed doors. You are destroying a poor infant's innocence before he has the brains to stand up for himself.

Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?

Cartman: You know what I'm talking about, and don't call me fat! I know your plan to convert the little boy to Judaism! And I won't have it! Listen to the cries of his sister, begging for mercy!

Cartman hands the phone to Becca.

Cartman: Sound really convincing, okay?

Becca: Please, don't convert my brother to Judaism! Don't brainwash him! He's just a baby! [She starts to cry.]

Cartman (taking the phone back): Good work. [To Kyle] Now listen: we're going to be over there in a couple days. If there is one trace on the baby of being Jewish… I'm gonna show your mom the picture.

Kyle: What picture?

Cartman: The one of you drinking coffee and smiling.

There's a pause as Kyle stares at the phone.

Kyle: I don't know what you're trying to do, Cartman, but it isn't funny! We aren't converting the kid to Judaism! We're just watching him for a few weeks. All I can see happening is YOU brainwashing the kid at YOUR house and convincing her that Jews are evil!

Cartman: Really? Perhaps she came to that conclusion herself, Kyle, after seeing you calling her little brother stupid. Ever think of that?

Kyle: Well… I… No! You big ugly fat bastard! Don't turn this into something it isn't! You tell any little kid that Jews are evil and I'll rip your nuts off!

Cartman (to himself, looking down in the direction of his nuts): Ow. [To Kyle] You won't get away with this, you evil bastard Jew!

Kyle: You won't get away with THIS, stupid ugly fat-ass!

Cartman: Your mom is a bitch!

Kyle: Your mom is a whore! She's on the cover of "Crack Whore Magazine"!

Cartman: No she is not! Shut up!

Kyle: But seriously, Cartman, this is not funny! You can't just go around forcing prejudices on four-year-old kids!

Cartman: Really? Well, let's see who's done more damage in a few days, Kyle. Prejudices last a lifetime. Judaism sends you to hell for eternity. You do the math, smart-ass.

Kyle: Cartman, you can't—

Cartman hangs up.

Cartman: I think I showed him.

Becca: I hope you didn't use all that colorful language at my expense.

Cartman: Nope. It's a hobby.
________________________________________

Cartman is standing in front of a chalk board with a sheet covering it. Becca is sitting in a desk, smiling.

Becca: Are we playing school?

Cartman: Oh, we're playing school all right. Today, class, I plan on educating you on the biological structure of the Jew.

He pulls the sheet off of the blackboard. It has a picture of someone resembling Kyle drawn on it. He points his pointer at it.

Cartman: This is a Jew. A Jew looks like any other person on the outside (although it's smart to watch out for curly hair), but on the inside, they are very different indeed. Instead of a heart, they have a foul-smelling black hole that sucks all sincerity and innocence from their body. Also, instead of brains, they have tapeworms in their heads.

Becca: Tapeworms?

Cartman: Yes, was I not annunciating clearly? I said tapeworms and I meant tapeworms.

Becca: Then how do they think?

Cartman: "Think" is such a grey term, Becca. It could mean a number of things. Please don't use it in my class again. Rather than "thinking" like you and me, their tapeworm minds do what I like to call "scheme". All Jews do to occupy themselves is scheme ways to lie, cheat, steal, murder, or convert innocent children into Jews themselves.

Becca: I want my brother to be good! I don't want him to be a Jew!

Cartman: None of us do, Becca. That's why we have to kidnap him before it's too late.

Becca: How are we going to do that?

Cartman: That question brings us to part two of this lesson. There are a lot of ways that we could simply "get him back". But that won't be enough. We have to purify him while we still have a chance.

Becca: How do we do that?

Cartman: Well, while I tie up and brutalize the Broflovskis while disguised as Zorro, you sneak into the baby's room with a crucifix and Holy Water. And you have to exorcise the demons from his body by saying the following. Now repeat after me: "The power of Jesus Christ compels you! Be gone, tapeworms of hell!"

Becca: The power of Jesus Christ compels you. Be gone, tapeworms of hell. Then what do I do?

Cartman: I dunno. Pour some Holy Water on him.

Becca: I dunno, Eric. This is a kind of shitty plan.

Cartman: Hey! Don't use that language in my classroom, you little brat! Do you have to see the guidance counselor?

Pause.

Becca: What?

Pause.

Cartman: Never mind.
________________________________________

Kyle is playing chess against Ike, and Davy is rolling around, gurgling, giggling, and watching. The doorbell rings.

Sheila: Kyle, could you get that?

Kyle sighs and stands up to get the door. When he answers it, he is shocked to see—

Kyle: Bonnie Hunt?

Bonnie Hunt: Hello, little boy. Is this the Broflovski household?

Kyle: Yeah.

Bonnie Hunt: Wonderful! Now, I read in the newspaper a terrible story about a little girl being half-killed by her mother. Am I correct in saying that a certain Kyle Broflovski was quoted in the article?

Kyle: What?

He takes the paper from Bonnie Hunt and reads it a highlighted quote. "'I can't believe it. Hey, what's that smell,' murmurs Kyle Broflovski, 8, who first saw the unconscious body of Charlotte Pierzynski and alerted the police."

Kyle: Yeah. So what?

Bonnie Hunt: Well, I did a little research and talked to a few little helpers and I found out that your family is fostering one of the siblings of the victim!

Kyle: …What kind of research?

Bonnie Hunt: …That's not important. But this story has touched me, really, and I would love it if you and your family would appear on my talk-show.

Kyle (calling his mom): Mo-om! Bonnie Hunt's at the door and she wants to have us on her show!

Sheila: Did you say Bonnie Hunt?

She walks over to the door with a scowl on her face. Bonnie Hunt gasps.

Sheila: Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Sheila.

Sheila: Long time no see, Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Not long enough.

Kyle: Mom, you never told me you knew Bonnie Hunt!

Bonnie: Oh, I know Sheila from high school. I was the one who beat her for homecoming queen. Do you remember that, Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, of course I do. Do YOU remember when I beat you for valedictorian?

Bonnie: Clear as daylight, Sheila. But that didn't matter, I see. I'm an incredibly rich woman with my own talk show. And you live in an obscure little town in Colorado. And what are you—a stay-at-home mom?

Sheila: How dare you come to my house after all these years and insult me in front of my son!

Bonnie: Well, I take it you don't want him to appear on my talk show then. Well, if that's what you really want, I'll just be leaving in my limo now.

Sheila: I didn't say anything of the sort! My son WILL be on your show, BONNIE, and he'll be brilliant!

Bonnie: Then it's on again, isn't it Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, it's on. Let's just see who wins this time, you scamming bitch.

Bonnie: If you're referring to the incident a few years ago—

Sheila: I nearly wet my pants laughing! Good day to you, Bonnie.

She slams the door.

Kyle: Mom, I don't wanna be on the Bonnie Hunt show.

Sheila: I don't CARE if you want to. You're going on the show and you're going to love it. And more importantly, we're going to blow that bitch out of the business!

Kyle: How? I'm just a guest.

Sheila: Come here, Kyle. There's something I'd like to show you.

Kyle follows her into her closet. Sheila pulls out a large shoebox full of pictures.

Sheila: Skim through these tonight, Kyle. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little depressed, I just go through them. They always make me feel better.

Kyle: …Okay.
________________________________________

Cartman: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Guess what guess what guess what?

Ms. Cartman: What is it, snookums?

Cartman: Becca and I are gonna be on the Bonnie Hunt show!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, isn't that nice? See, having a little sister around isn't all that bad.

Cartman: Mo-om, you said she wasn't my little sister and we're just fostering her for a week or two!

Ms. Cartman: Sure, sweetie-pie.

Cartman: You didn't… adopt her, did you?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie-poo.

Cartman: Oh, good.

He walks outside to where Becca is contentedly playing with a few stuffed animals.

Cartman: I've got a better plan to get your brother back, Becca.

Becca: Really?

Cartman: As you know, on Saturday afternoon, we are going to be on national television.

Becca: Yeah, I know that.

Cartman: It's so simple, but it's brilliant! You break-down and cry and say that the Broflovskis are converting your little brother to Judaism against the will of your entire family. They'll have to give up the baby after a pitiful display like that!

Becca: That's a great idea, Eric! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

She runs up and hugs him.

Cartman: Ah, get off of me, you slimy little kid! [Shoves her off.] Now, we just need to practice.
________________________________________

Kyle is in his bedroom in pajamas. He picks up the shoebox and starts looking at pictures. One is of Bonnie Hunt as a teenager drunkenly hugging a teenage boy. Another is of Bonnie Hunt unconscious in her own puke. Another is one of her kissing the cheek of a really old man. Kyle continues to flip through them as his mom knocks on his door and comes in.

Sheila: Oh, good, you're looking at the pictures! They're a holler, don't you think?

Kyle: Mom, I just don't know if it'd be right to go on Bonnie Hunt's show and show her all these pictures of her as a teenager.

Sheila: To hell with what's "right"! Is anything "right"?

Kyle: I think you'd be embarrassing yourself more than her. I mean, for one thing, you're still a little obsessed over a high school rivalry. And also, it's a little creepy that you even have some of these pictures. I mean, she's naked in this one.

Sheila: I didn't TAKE that picture, sweetheart, my boyfriend did.

Kyle: I still don't think I should do that.

Sheila: Fine. Just ignore your mother, how about? Just completely betray her to get a few minutes on television with a baby and Bonnie Hunt! See if I care, Kyle. See if I care.

She stands up and walks to the door.

Kyle: Wait, mom.

Sheila turns back and tearfully acknowledges her son.

Kyle: If it's what you really want… then I guess I can go on the show and publicly humiliate her on the air to get back at her for whatever she did to you in high school.

Sheila: That's my boy!

She wraps Kyle in a hug and kisses him on the forehead.

Sheila: Good night, my little angel.

Kyle: Night, Ma.
________________________________________

That Saturday, everyone is backstage, preparing for the show. Cartman is with Becca and Kyle is holding Davy. Stan and Kenny are also backstage, sitting in seats and looking disgruntled.

Cartman to Becca: Remember, do it just like we practiced, okay?

Becca: Right.

Cartman: We can't use the flashcards up there, so if you forget a line, just ad-lib it. Make it bad and make it convincing, understand?

Becca: Aye-aye, Cap'n.

Sheila to Kyle: Now, don't start the slide show until I give you the signal, all right?

Kyle [sighing]: All right, Mom, all right.

Back to Stan and Kenny.

Stan: This sucks. We hardly got to do anything this entire episode.

Kenny: (And we're probably the greatest two characters to ever hit television! We're so deep, complex, and thought-provoking!)

Stan: I know! And all we get are few lines in the beginning, a minor appearance here and there, and that's it! Whoever wrote this has a cruel sense of humor.

Kenny: (What a bitch.)

Stan: What are we doing here anyway? We're not going to be on the show. Shouldn't we be in the audience or something?

Kenny shrugs.

Stan: Uh-oh, Kenny. Somehow I have a feeling that us being here has something to do with your inevitable demise.

Kenny's eyes widen and he lets out a muffled scream before the lights go out. They come on a moment later, revealing only an empty parka where Kenny once sat…

Stan: Oh my God, they stole Kenny!

Kyle's voice from awhile away: You bastard!
________________________________________

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bonnie Hunt Show!

Bonnie Hunt walks onstage, waving to the audience.

Bonnie: Oh, stop it, stop it. Now. We have some very special guests this evening. A week ago today, a little girl was badly beaten and poisoned by her own mother. Visiting us today are that girl's siblings and the little boy who found her unconscious body and called 9-1-1, saving her life. Please welcome Kyle Broflovski and Becca and Davy Pierzynski.

The audience applauds as Kyle and Becca walk onto the stage. Kyle is holding Davy and looking uncomfortable. Becca grins and waves sweetly.

Bonnie Hunt: Welcome, children.

Kyle and Becca: Hi, Bonnie Hunt.

Bonnie: Well, Kyle, you're certainly the little hero, aren't you?

Kyle: I guess.

Bonnie: Now, Kyle, we're all dying to know… Exactly how disturbing and graphic was the scene where little Charlotte was found? Please describe it in detail.

Kyle: Um, well I—

Before he can get any further, the lights dim and a slideshow starts on the wall behind them. Bonnie looks outraged. Kyle looks annoyed, but he stands up and begins flipping through some pictures.

Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, these are photos of Bonnie Hunt and my mom from their high school years.

The photos are all of the two smiling and laughing and hugging.

Bonnie: Okay, stop! Now!

Kyle: As you can see, they were once close friends. But today, they are bitter enemies. Why? Because of him.

He flips to a picture of a beefed-up teenager with large biceps and acne.

Sheila (backstage): Oh, sweet Jehovah.

Kyle: This is Ray Jorgenson. He was the quarterback of the football team. And he had big muscles, and… Well, I don't know the details, but apparently, they started hating each other around the time my mom started dating him. Well, just to show you how dumb it was that they gave up their friendship over this guy, here's a picture of him now.

A balding, obese worker at KFC stares soullessly into the camera.

Kyle: What ever happened to sisters before misters? I don't know, America. I just don't know.

Sheila comes out onto the stage.

Sheila: Oh, Bonnie, to think we've been fighting all this time about silly Ray Jorgenson.

Bonnie: I feel so ridiculous. Let's forget the whole thing.

Sheila: Yes, let's.

They hug. Just then, pictures start playing again. Now, we see pictures of teenaged Sheila in an assortment of embarrassing situations.

Sheila: Kyle! What is this?

Kyle: I don't know! I've never seen those pictures before. [A picture of Sheila mostly naked comes up.] Gah!

Bonnie: COMMERCIAL. [To Sheila] Sheila. I—I'm sorry.

Sheila: You bitch! You were going to embarrass me on national television! In front of my son!

Bonnie: Sheila, I can explain.

Sheila: This isn't over, bitch!

She marches off the stage. The audience is baffled. Kyle looks horrified.
________________________________________

Bonnie has regained her composure. They're filming again. Becca, Davy, and Kyle are still on the stage.

Bonnie: Now, let's talk to Becca, the brave little sister of Charlotte Pierzynski. How are you feeling, Becca, dear?

Becca: Fine, thanks, Mrs. Hunt.

Bonnie: She's precious. Isn't she precious? Let's give her a round of applause.

The audience claps and says, "Aw…"

Bonnie: So, Becca, what's the scariest part of this whole experience?

Becca: Probably knowing that my brother is staying in a house with Jews.

There are gasps from the audience. Kyle slaps his hand on his forehead.

Bonnie: …What?

Becca: They're gonna make his brains into tapeworms, and… brainwash him… and… instead of thinking, he'll just scheme. It's… it's so awful! [She breaks down into sobs.]

Cartman comes rushing out. He hugs Becca.

Cartman: There, there, little child. Don't weep. I'm sure Ms. Hunt, being as kindly and generous as she is, will assist in freeing your infant brother from the clutches of Judaism.

Bonnie: …You have got to be kidding me.

Kyle: Kid, you know that Judaism is a religion, right?

Becca abruptly stops crying.

Becca: What?

Kyle: It's a religion. Davy is too young to get it anyway. We can't indoctrinate him into a religion.

Becca to Eric: You told me they were monsters!

Cartman: I… you know… they sort of are…

Becca: Why did you lie to me, Eric?

Cartman: …I just wanted to be…a…a good brother.

Kyle: You're not serious.

Becca: You are a good brother, Eric. You're the best big brother in the whole wide world.

She hugs him. The audience says "aw…"

Kyle: You're not really buying this. [He groans.] You've got to be kidding me!
________________________________________

A bit later in the show…

Bonnie: Now, for one last treat before we go, a surprise guest! None other than little Charlotte Pierzynski herself, her first time out of the hospital since a week ago, along with the doctor who saved her life, Tom Ripley!

The Doctor and Mindy roll Charlie onto the stage in a wheelchair. She looks pretty discombobulated, but she smiles when Becca runs up to hug her. Kyle doesn't seem to know what to do.
________________________________________

The show is over and everyone is backstage. Becca is jumping up and down, holding Charlie's hand.
Becca: …And we played tea party and dress-up and school and "Destroy Jerusalem" and house and Hungry Hungry Hippos, and they have a kitty-cat!

Cartman (embarrassed): Ahem, let's not overwhelm her, Becca.

He leads her away. The Marshes come up to Charlie.

Sharon Marsh: We're so happy you're getting better, Charlie. You know, once you get out of the hospital, you'll be staying at our house with little Stanley for awhile!

Stan: Wait, what?

Sharon: Won't that be fun, Stanley? It'll be like having another sister!

Stan: Oh no!

Stan runs away. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh follow him. Kyle walks up.

Kyle: Um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie (with a raspy voice): Hi Kyle. Thanks for helping take care of Davy.

Kyle: Oh, yeah… you're welcome. Look, I'm really sorry for telling Mr. Mackey. I never would've done it if I thought this might have happened.

Charlie: It's okay, Kyle. I'm not mad.

Kyle: You aren't?

Charlie: No. I really should thank you for, uh… you know…

Kyle: What?

Charlie: …Finding me and calling an ambulance and all.

Kyle: Oh. Uh, you're welcome. Hey, do you have any idea where my mom went?
________________________________________

Sheila stands out by the exit of the building as the audience leaves. She wears the shoebox of pictures around her neck with a strap.

Sheila: Teenage pictures of Bonnie Hunt for sale! $10 for slutty, $20 for drunk, and $30 for nude! Show them to all your friends! Get 'em while they're still here!

Description
Threadbare South Park
Episode #2: "Brainwashing"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 2)

NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It contains naughty language and a surprisingly tolerable original character. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Enjoy.
________________________________________

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP....POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
________________________________________

There are police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks in front of Charlie's house. Kyle is wrapped in a blanket on the curb, looking terrified. He's holding a baby boy, and Becca is sitting next to him.

Becca: Is Charlie okay?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Where's my mommy?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Who—

Kyle: Please be quiet.

The girl stops talking. A police officer comes up to the kids.

Officer: Kid, we have to ask you a few questions.

Kyle: Me?

Officer: Yeah, you, buddy. Don't mess around.

Just then, Sheila runs up.

Sheila: Kyle! Kyle, sweetheart, what happened?

Officer: Ma'am, is this your son?

Sheila: Yes.

Officer: We have to take him in for questioning.

Sheila looks horrified and Kyle looks mad.

Kyle: What the hell for? I didn't do anything!

Sheila: I can assure you, officer, my son is a good kid.

Officer: Don't be a bitch, ma'am. I'm just doing my job. I have to ask him a few questions about the whole situation.

Sheila: Excuse me?

Kyle: Mom, could you hold the baby?

Sheila: Well, I—

Kyle hands the baby to her and walks away with the officer.

Officer to Kyle: All right, son, we just want to get the facts. How did you find the girl?

Kyle: I was coming over to… to visit, and there were no parents home. Her little sister just let me in. And I found her on the ground and called 9-1-1. [Pause] Is she dead?

Officer: No, son, but I have to ask you an important question: Did you try to kill the little girl?

Kyle: No!

Officer: All right. We have someone special to talk to you a little more; a certified psychoanalyst.

Mr. Mackey walks up.

Mr. Mackey: Hey Kyle.

Kyle: Mr. Mackey?

Mr. Mackey: I'm on the police force during weekends and afternoons. I need to talk to you for a little while in my office, m'kay?

Kyle: …M'kay.
________________________________________

It's the next day at school. The boys are sitting in their normal places, with Cartman in what was Charlie's desk. Everyone looks content but Kyle, who has bags under his eyes.

Stan to Kyle: Dude, what happened yesterday?

Kyle: Apparently, Charlie's bitch mom tried to murder her. And Mr. Mackey grilled me about it for six hours.

Mr. Garrison enters.

Mr. Garrison: All right, class, let's settle down and get started! In light of recent events, Mr. Hat is going to put on a special presentation for you today.

Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison! It's called CAMAD; Child Abusers/Molesters Are Dangerous. [He writes the acronym on the board]. Class, say that with us.

Class: Child abusers/molesters are dangerous.

Mr. Garrison: Good! Thanks, Mr. Hat. Now I'm going to continue on this topic for just a few minutes before we get started with our normal classes. First off, let's define child abuse. Kyle, what's child abuse?

Kyle: I wasn't raising my hand.

Mr. Garrison: I know. What's child abuse, Kyle?

Kyle: When an adult beats up a child.

Mr. Garrison: You've got the right idea, Kyle. But there's more to child abuse than just that. DAPDET is another acronym you can use to help you remember what can cause child abuse in a lot of cases. DAPDET means "Drunk, Angry Parents Do Evil Things". So stay out of your parents' way when they come home from a party, kids. Now, child abusers can be a parent or another adult close to a child doing things like hitting them, forcing them to eat or drink something dangerous, starving them, or molesting them. Does anyone know what molesting is? Yes, Butters?

Butters: That's when your Grandpa pulls down your pants and takes pictures of you, and then touches your privates. But he stops before your mom comes to take you home. Then they come and take him to a special place.

Mr. Garrison: …Um, right. Child molestation is when an adult touches a child in a private area or asks a child to touch them in their private area. Now, this is the most important part of this subject, kids. If you ever, ever think that you or someone you know is being abused, tell an adult right away, even if the person asks you not to. TARA, remember that – Tell an Adult Right Away. You could talk to me, the guidance counselor, your parent, or the principal. We're your friends, remember that.

Stan: No you're not.

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Stan, it's just a phrase. And you shouldn't be talking. YOU and your little friends didn't TARA, and now a little girl is in the hospital.

Kyle: Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: What?

Kyle: I did TARA, or at least, I told somebody the next day. But that only made it worse. Mr. Mackey called Charlie's mom and that's when she hurt Charlie really bad.

Mr. Garrison: Okay, class, let me correct myself: you can talk to me, a parent, or the principal, but please, do NOT talk to Mr. Mackey. He's a complete dumb shit. Now are there any questions? Yes, Bebe?

Bebe: Is she going to die?

Mr. Garrison: We don't think so, Bebe, but thanks for asking. I'm sure that we're all very worried about Charlie, right class?

There are scattered nods.

Kenny (angrily): (You're never worried about me!)

Mr. Garrison: That's 'cause we don't care if you die, Kenny. Honestly, it's getting old, if you ask me. Now that we have THAT talk done with, let's move on to the Oregon Trail!

The class groans.

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little fags! I think this is just as retarded as you do, so we'll have to grin and bear it together, alright?
________________________________________

The four line up in the cafeteria. Kyle looks pissed off.

Chef: Hello children! How are you doing today?

All but Kyle: Fine, Chef.

Kyle: I dunno, Chef, I'm a little pissed off.

Chef: What's wrong, children?

Kyle: Well, yesterday, you told me to tell the guidance counselor about what was going on. So I told him. Then he called the Charlie's mom, and now she's in the hospital.

Chef: Oh, children, that's a tight situation, isn't it?

Cartman: Can all of us who don't give a crap get our food now?

Chef gives Cartman his food. Kenny hands over his tray too. They both leave.

Kyle: Got any other bright ideas of how I can "help" people, Chef?

Chef: Now, children, I know you might all be a little confused. Let me sing you a little song that could help you understand… "When you're feelin' down and blue, there's just one thing you should do… I'm gonna make love to you woman, I'm gonna lay you down—"

Kyle: Goddamn it, Chef! Thanks a lot.

Kyle walks away angrily. Stan follows uncomfortably.

Kyle (mumbling): Goddamn idiot, he doesn't know anything about anything.

Cartman: I always sort of liked that song: "I'm gonna make love to ya woman…" [Continues humming.]

Kyle: Shut up, fat-ass.

Cartman: Well, SOMEBODY'S a little cranky today.

Kyle: I said to shut up.

Cartman (mimicking): I said to shut up!

Kyle: Cut it out!

Cartman: Cut it out!

Kyle: That's mature.

Cartman: That's mature.

Kyle: I'm a fat ugly bastard.

Cartman: Yeah, you're a fat ugly bastard with a stupid fat bitch-whore for a mom and a scrawny-dicked Canadian little brother!

Kyle: I hate you. So much.
________________________________________

Now in Hell's Gate hospital, there are doctors in a room standing around a patient. They are taking notes and studying her carefully. The heart machine goes steady for a minute before speeding up for a moment, then becoming a constant, long beep. The main doctor is a young and sort of buff man.

Doctor: No! No! Don't give up on us now, kid! Come on, you've done so well!

The child can't be seen, but blood splatters onto the face of the doctor.

Doctor: Noooo! It's times like this when I hate my job. [He takes off his stethoscope and sighs.] Another one bites the dust. [A nurse wipes the blood off of his forehead.] Thanks, Mindy. Please, dispose of the body. And be gentle.

The nurse picks up the body and hurls it out the window. The doctor looks out at the huge pile of corpses rotting behind the hospital.

Doctor (mumbling to himself): This is a really bad hospital.

Another nurse rushes up.

Nurse: The new patient is in. She's in room 224.

The doctor sighs deeply.

Doctor: Mindy, cover for me for a few minutes. [He sits in a couch outside the room he was in earlier.] I've got to take a breather.

Mindy: Certainly, doctor.

Mindy walks into room 224. Charlie is asleep on a bed with lots of tubes, monitors, and wires attached to her. Mindy picks up a clipboard on the counter of the room and reads it.

Mindy: Mhm. Mhm. Oh dear. Oh my.

After a few moments, the doctor walks in.

Doctor: What's the issue here, Mindy?

Mindy: This girl was beaten and fed bleach, doctor.

Doctor: Great balls of fire!

Mindy: It was her mother.

Doctor: What is this world coming to? Mothers beating their children, hospitals dumping corpses out the windows, global warming. All this pressure. I hate my job.

Mindy: What can we do?

Doctor: Hybrid cars, that's the best way, Mindy. Hybrid cars.

Mindy: No, I mean the girl, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. Well, normally we would start by administering E… Epi… [Sigh] The medicine that makes you throw up.

Mindy: Epicac, Doctor.

Doctor: Yes, that. But in her state of unconsciousness, we should use laxatives.

Mindy: Laxatives?

Doctor: Yes, laxatives. Mountains of laxatives. We need to get the peroxide out of her system, Nurse. You know where to find them, right?

Mindy (sighing): Yes doctor, I'll go get the laxatives out of your car.

Doctor (tossing her the keys): My Hybrid, Mindy. It's a hybrid.

Mindy walks out. She returns a moment later.

Mindy: There are two little kids out here, doctor.

The doctor walks out of the room. There is an annoyed-looking fireman holding a baby, and a little girl is swinging around on his legs, singing a song dramatically.

Fireman: What the hell am I supposed to do with two little kids, man? Get them some danged babysitters. [He hands the baby to Mindy]. Took you long enough to get out here, anyway.

He shakes Becca off his leg and stomps away.

Mindy: We have to find temporary homes for these children, Doctor.

Doctor: Of course. Now put down the baby and get those laxatives, pronto.

Mindy sighs, hands the doctor the baby, and walks away. The doctor puts the baby on the ground in the room. He starts to crawl around. The doctor flips through the sheets on the clipboard.

Doctor: Contacts, contacts… Ah, contacts!

There are five lines. Only one is filled out in kiddy handwriting as "Kyle Broflovski" with a phone number.

Doctor: Kyle… Br… Brof… Bruffle… Bruh… Bruh…

This continues for a little while until Mindy returns with the car keys, laxatives, and an "Us" magazine.

Mindy: Just in case you get bored again, Doctor.

Doctor: Ah, thank you, Nurse. I think I might have some place to put the kids. Kyle Brof… Bruh…

Mindy looks at the sheet.

Mindy: Broflovski, Doctor. It's Broflovski.

Doctor: Right. [He squints his eyes dramatically.] Broflovski.
________________________________________

Kyle comes home from school, looking tired and upset. He slams the door behind him, sighing.

Sheila from the kitchen: Kyle, get in here, NOW.

Kyle (tiredly): What is it, Mom?

Kyle walks into the kitchen and looks shocked when he sees his mother changing a baby's diaper.

Kyle (recognizing the baby but pretending not to): You didn't tell me you were going to have another baby, Mom!

Sheila: You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.
________________________________________

A long conversation later…

Sheila: I just don't feel comfortable with you giving out our phone number to random people on the street, Kyle.

Kyle: Mom. It was a police officer.

Sheila: That's even worse! And now we're stuck with another baby in our house for over a week! Why do you think we adopted? Do I look like the person who wants to go through the pains of rearing an infant again?

Kyle looks at his mom for a moment.

Kyle: No.

Sheila: Excuse me?

The phone rings.

Sheila: We're not done with this, Kyle. Don't move a muscle. [She picks up the phone.] Hello? Do you have to? We're in the middle of a really important—Oh. Well, don't be long.

She hands the phone to Kyle.

Sheila: It's your little friend Stanley.

Kyle: Hello?

Stan: Dude, I heard about the baby!

Kyle (covering his mouth so his mom can't tell what he's saying): Yeah. My mom's pretty pissed off.
Stan: Well, you won't believe where Charlie's other sibling is.

Kyle: What, do you have her?
________________________________________

Cartman: Mo-om, I don't want another kid in our house!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, sweetie, it'll only be for a little while. Don't worry.

Cartman (pretending to cry as dramatic music plays): But… don't you love me? Am I not good enough for you? [He sobs dramatically.]

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Eric, sweetheart… I love you more than anything else in the whole world, you know that.

Cartman: Yeah? Yeah, if that was true, then you wouldn't shove me to the side and bring another child into this household! Am I right?

Ms. Cartman: Eric—

Cartman: Am I right?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie.

Cartman: Lies, lies, all lies! I can see right through you, woman! You can't pull the curtain over my eyes! You're a monster! A treacherous monster!

Ms. Cartman (hugging Cartman): Oh, sweetie, how can I show you just how much I love you?

Cartman (sniffling): All I ask… is that you don't make me share a room with the little brat.

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie. She'll stay in the guest bedroom.

Cartman: I love you, Mommy.

Ms. Cartman: I love you too, sweetheart. Now, why don't you show little Becca around? She's such a darling.

The music stops.

Cartman: Oh, goddamn it!
________________________________________

A few minutes later, Cartman is showing Becca around. They reach his room.

Cartman: This is my bedroom. You can't ever come in here without my permission. Do I make myself clear?

Becca: Yeah. Is that a MegaMan? [She runs into his room.]

Cartman: Goddamn it! Get out of my room, you little freak! [He picks her up.] And it's not a MegaMan, it's an UltraRetroMegaMan. It cost $45 dollars and I love it very much.

Becca: Wow…

Cartman drops her outside his room.

Cartman: You ever touch anything of mine in this room, in the bathroom, under the kitchen table, behind the T.V., and ESPECIALLY in the refrigerator, I'm gonna kick you in the face.

Becca nods solemnly.

Becca: Like Mommy did to Charlie.

Cartman: Exactly. All right, now that we have that straightened out, we've come to the end of our tour… my mom's bedroom. We're never allowed inside. Especially not during the weekends or after 7:30 PM. It's a rule. Even I follow it.

Becca: What if I have a nightmare?

Cartman: Tough beans, kiddo. Get a teddy bear or something.

Becca: Why do I have to stay here?

Cartman: 'Cause your mommy sucks and my dumbass friend's bitchy mom called and asked us to keep you.

Becca: Are you my new brother?

Cartman: Goddamn it, I'm nobody's brother! Stop asking stupid questions like that. [To himself] Wow, I almost feel bad for what Mr. Garrison goes through day after day after day… Ha-ha, no, what was I thinking?

Becca: Just one more question?

Cartman: Fine, but if it pisses me off I'm kicking you out.

Becca: Where are the toys?

Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!
________________________________________

Cartman is lining up his old toys and looking through them.

Cartman: Hmm… Do you like Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Becca: Which one's Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Cartman (picks up a stuffed bunny): This one.

Becca: Yeah, I love bunnies!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have it. Do you like… Polly Prissy-Pants?

Becca: Yeah!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have her either! Do you like… Timmy the Freight Train?

Becca: No.

Cartman: Here, you can have him. Um… Do you like Mr. Bananapants, the monkey?

Becca (after hesitating a moment): No.

Cartman: Ha, stupid little kid! Go ahead, play with Mr. Bananapants!

Becca picks up the monkey and hugs it.

Cartman: Goddamn it!
________________________________________
The boys are waiting at the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman look thoroughly exhausted.

Stan: What's got you guys?

Cartman: The stupid little kid kept coming into my room last night! I nearly hit her over the head with my UltraRetroMegaMan! Goddamn it, I hate this stupid… [yawns]… stupid.

Kyle: Baby crying.

The bus stops for them.

Ms. Crabtree: Get on the bus! No pushing! Sit down and shut up!

Cartman: Well, Kyle, I hope you're happy. You just had to go and get your dumb little friend's mom arrested.

Kyle (still too tired for full sentences): Shut it.
________________________________________

Again, at the hospital...

Mindy: Well, Doctor, I hope you're happy. We've collected six pounds of crap from the patient without any results.

Doctor: Damn it, Mindy, don't rush the process! And for your information, the reports came back this morning and said that there is 45% less peroxide in her body. So nyeah to your back-sassing. We just need to find a way to speed up the recovery.

Mindy: Doctor, may I make a suggestion?

Doctor: Shoot.

Mindy: Surgery.

Doctor: Mindy, you think that being a doctor is all, "Cut that open" and "sew that closed". There's more to the practice than stitches, Mindy.

Mindy: She's suffering from heavy internal bleeding and peroxide poisoning. Cut her open, fix her insides, sew her closed.

Doctor (sighing): Mindy, it's hard for me to say this. I mean look at me! I'm a rich, handsome, well-educated young man. I could be successful in nearly anything I chose to do.

Mindy stares at him blankly.

Doctor: But… I have a confession to make. Mindy, [he shakes his head mournfully], I'm a bad doctor.

Mindy: Yeah. I know.

The doctor slides down the wall and begins to sob.

Mindy: Doctor? Doctor? Regain your composure, Doctor.

He shakes his head.

Mindy: Tom, snap out of it!

Doctor: You know I'm suffering from an inferiority complex, Mindy. Do you know how hard it is for me to sit here and listen to your criticism 24-7?

Mindy sighs.

Mindy: Take a break and read "Us" for awhile, Doctor. I'll take it from here.

The doctor whimpers pathetically and opens up "Us".

Mindy takes a plastic tube and sticks it down Charlie's throat. Carefully, she pumps out the contents of her stomach, including blood and the remainder of the peroxide. While doing this, the Doctor giggles.

Doctor: No, Mindy, Mindy: What do you get when you mix Britney and Lindsey?

Mindy: Doctor—

Doctor: I don't know, but it'll get you a hell of a lot worse than DUI!

Mindy: I'm trying to pump a stomach here, Doctor. Take that in the hall if you're going to read the jokes.

Giggling to himself, the doctor leaves the room. As Mindy finishes pumping the stomach, she readjusts where a few of the needles are in Charlie's arms and adds a few chemicals to the water bag that's nourishing her body. The doctor peeks his head in.

Doctor: Mindy! Mindy!

Mindy: WHAT, Doctor?

Doctor: What's the only thing uglier than Paris Hilton's Chihuahua?

Mindy: I don't care, Doctor.

Doctor: Her FACE!

Charlie's eyes flutter open. She tries to talk, but can't since her throat's so scratchy from the tube.

Mindy: Doctor! Doctor, she's conscious!

The Doctor rushes into the room.

Doctor: Laughter therapy. It's the best there is. She must have heard that Paris joke.

Mindy puts a notebook on Charlie's lap.

Mindy: What is your name?

Charlie scrawls an answer. Mindy looks satisfied that she's in her right mind.

Mindy: Is there anything you need, dear?

She gives her the notebook again, and Charlie scrawls: "Recline". Mindy reclines her seat a little. Charlie then writes: "Sister and brother?"

Mindy: They're fine. They're being taken care of by local families.

A second later, Charlie's asleep.

Doctor: …Did she…die?

Mindy: No.

Doctor: Yes!
________________________________________

Kyle knocks on the Cartmans' door. He has a stroller with him and Ike is bouncing around close to it.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle! Can I help you?

Kyle (still exhausted): Mom thinks the baby's scared 'cause he doesn't have his siblings. We need to see the little girl.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, just take him around back. She and Eric are playing in the backyard.

Kyle: Playing?

He pushes the stroller to the backyard. Cartman and Becca are sitting on a picnic blanket with a tea set and stuffed animals.

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Hello, Mr. Bananapants. How are you today?

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: I'm just splendid, Mr. Fuzzlebuns. Thanks for coming to my party.

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Oh, no problem at all. I brought you banana bread as a present.

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: Oh, my favorite! Thanks, Mr. Fuzzlebuns.

Kyle clears his throat. Cartman drops his stuffed animal.

Cartman: Stupid kid! Stop bothering me! For the last time, I don't want to play with your stupid little dolls!

Becca: But these are YOURS.

Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle. I just noticed you now.

Becca jumps up.

Becca: Davy! [She leans over the stroller] Hello, Davy!

Davy giggles and spits up.

Kyle: Stupid baby. [He wipes up the spit-up.]

Becca: Hey, my little brother isn't stupid! You're the stupid one! [She picks up Davy] Has he been mean to you since yesterday? Poor baby.

She puts the spit-up rag over her shoulder and pats his back. He burps, spits up, and coos.

Becca: Babies do that a lot.

Cartman: Kick ass.

Kyle: How old are you, anyway?

Becca: Four and a half. I turn five on April 15th. I'm almost four and three quarters, but not quite.

Kyle: Four would have been okay too, but, sure. Happy early three quarters birthday.

Becca notices Ike.

Becca: Is that your brother?

Kyle: Kind of, but not really. He's just adopted.

Becca: How old is he?

Kyle: Two.

Becca: Two and a half, or just two?

Kyle: Two and a half. Do you have to ask all these stupid questions?

Cartman: Don't be so naïve, Kyle. She's four and half. It's in her nature.

Kyle: Since when do you know a shit about that sort of thing?

Cartman: Since this morning. The internet, Kyle, duh. Haven't you Jews learned about that sort of thing yet?

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You were the one who was playing Mr. Fuzzlebuns and Monkey Man just now.
Cartman: I was not, you stupid lying Jew! And it's not Monkey Man, his name is Mr. Bananapants!

Pause.

Kyle: We're gonna go now. Kid, could you put the baby back in his stroller?

Becca: Only if you promise not to call him stupid.

Kyle: What?

Becca: Only if you promise—

Kyle: Okay, whatever. Fine. Put it back now.

Becca: Promise!

Kyle (sighing and rolling his eyes): I promise not to call the infant stupid.

Becca: That didn't sound sincere.

Kyle (snatching the baby away from her): Shut up! God, you're so annoying! C'mon, Ike, we're going home.

Ike: Brother.

Kyle: Shut up, Ike!

They leave. Cartman and Becca stare after them for awhile, then Becca starts crying.

Cartman: Oh shit. Becca? Little girl? Becca? Stop crying.

Becca starts crying harder.

Cartman: Oh, Jesus… Uh… [He starts singing "Cat's in the Cradle."] "My child arrived just the other day. He came into the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay."

Becca looks up, sniffling.

Cartman (singing): "He learned to walk while I was away. And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew, he'd say, 'I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.' And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. 'When you comin' home, Dad?' 'I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time then.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "My son turned ten just the other day. He said, 'Thanks for the ball, Dad come on, let's play.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "'Can you teach me to throw?' I said 'Not today, I got a lot to do.' He said, 'That's okay.' And he walked away but his smile never dimmed. And said, 'I'm gonna be like him, yeah.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman: "'You know I'm gonna be just like him.' And the cat's in the cradle—"

Becca: ERIC!

Cartman: Huh? What? What?

Becca: My brother's in a bad home! I don't want him living there!

She continues crying.

Cartman (gasping): Oh my God. Your infant brother is living in a Jewish household! You know what that means, right?

Becca (sniffling): They call him stupid?

Cartman: Yes, and in addition to that, they're going to convert him to Judaism!

Becca: What does that mean?

Cartman: It's too horrendous a thing to taint your innocent young mind with.

Becca: Is it bad?

Cartman: Oh yeah. It's really bad. Your brother spends more than a week with those Jewish brainwashing monsters, and he'll never be the same again.

Becca: I don't want my brother living with Jewish brainwashing monsters!

Cartman: Then we'll have to do something, won't we?

Becca runs to the back door.

Becca: Ms. Cartman! My little brother is living with [Cartman covers her mouth] mmm mmmm mmm…

Cartman: Don't say it to her. She'll freeze up. She won't know what to do. She has enough troubles on her pathetic middle-aged mind already without worrying about infants becoming Jews.

Becca: Then what can we do?

Cartman: There's only one thing we can do.
________________________________________

Cartman is holding a phone and Becca is standing next to him nervously.

Cartman: Pick up, pick up! [To Becca] Jews are notoriously lazy.

Sheila (on other line): Hello?

Cartman: Hello, Mrs. Broflovski, ma'am. I was just wondering if I could have a polite conversation with your oldest son Kyle.

Sheila: One sec, I'll get him.

There is a pause for a few seconds.

Kyle: What is it, fat-ass?

Cartman: Don't play stupid with me, Kyle. I can see right through your questioning tone. You disgust me.

Kyle: What are you talking about?

Cartman: Don't think we don't know what's going on in your house behind closed doors. You are destroying a poor infant's innocence before he has the brains to stand up for himself.

Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?

Cartman: You know what I'm talking about, and don't call me fat! I know your plan to convert the little boy to Judaism! And I won't have it! Listen to the cries of his sister, begging for mercy!

Cartman hands the phone to Becca.

Cartman: Sound really convincing, okay?

Becca: Please, don't convert my brother to Judaism! Don't brainwash him! He's just a baby! [She starts to cry.]

Cartman (taking the phone back): Good work. [To Kyle] Now listen: we're going to be over there in a couple days. If there is one trace on the baby of being Jewish… I'm gonna show your mom the picture.

Kyle: What picture?

Cartman: The one of you drinking coffee and smiling.

There's a pause as Kyle stares at the phone.

Kyle: I don't know what you're trying to do, Cartman, but it isn't funny! We aren't converting the kid to Judaism! We're just watching him for a few weeks. All I can see happening is YOU brainwashing the kid at YOUR house and convincing her that Jews are evil!

Cartman: Really? Perhaps she came to that conclusion herself, Kyle, after seeing you calling her little brother stupid. Ever think of that?

Kyle: Well… I… No! You big ugly fat bastard! Don't turn this into something it isn't! You tell any little kid that Jews are evil and I'll rip your nuts off!

Cartman (to himself, looking down in the direction of his nuts): Ow. [To Kyle] You won't get away with this, you evil bastard Jew!

Kyle: You won't get away with THIS, stupid ugly fat-ass!

Cartman: Your mom is a bitch!

Kyle: Your mom is a whore! She's on the cover of "Crack Whore Magazine"!

Cartman: No she is not! Shut up!

Kyle: But seriously, Cartman, this is not funny! You can't just go around forcing prejudices on four-year-old kids!

Cartman: Really? Well, let's see who's done more damage in a few days, Kyle. Prejudices last a lifetime. Judaism sends you to hell for eternity. You do the math, smart-ass.

Kyle: Cartman, you can't—

Cartman hangs up.

Cartman: I think I showed him.

Becca: I hope you didn't use all that colorful language at my expense.

Cartman: Nope. It's a hobby.
________________________________________

Cartman is standing in front of a chalk board with a sheet covering it. Becca is sitting in a desk, smiling.

Becca: Are we playing school?

Cartman: Oh, we're playing school all right. Today, class, I plan on educating you on the biological structure of the Jew.

He pulls the sheet off of the blackboard. It has a picture of someone resembling Kyle drawn on it. He points his pointer at it.

Cartman: This is a Jew. A Jew looks like any other person on the outside (although it's smart to watch out for curly hair), but on the inside, they are very different indeed. Instead of a heart, they have a foul-smelling black hole that sucks all sincerity and innocence from their body. Also, instead of brains, they have tapeworms in their heads.

Becca: Tapeworms?

Cartman: Yes, was I not annunciating clearly? I said tapeworms and I meant tapeworms.

Becca: Then how do they think?

Cartman: "Think" is such a grey term, Becca. It could mean a number of things. Please don't use it in my class again. Rather than "thinking" like you and me, their tapeworm minds do what I like to call "scheme". All Jews do to occupy themselves is scheme ways to lie, cheat, steal, murder, or convert innocent children into Jews themselves.

Becca: I want my brother to be good! I don't want him to be a Jew!

Cartman: None of us do, Becca. That's why we have to kidnap him before it's too late.

Becca: How are we going to do that?

Cartman: That question brings us to part two of this lesson. There are a lot of ways that we could simply "get him back". But that won't be enough. We have to purify him while we still have a chance.

Becca: How do we do that?

Cartman: Well, while I tie up and brutalize the Broflovskis while disguised as Zorro, you sneak into the baby's room with a crucifix and Holy Water. And you have to exorcise the demons from his body by saying the following. Now repeat after me: "The power of Jesus Christ compels you! Be gone, tapeworms of hell!"

Becca: The power of Jesus Christ compels you. Be gone, tapeworms of hell. Then what do I do?

Cartman: I dunno. Pour some Holy Water on him.

Becca: I dunno, Eric. This is a kind of shitty plan.

Cartman: Hey! Don't use that language in my classroom, you little brat! Do you have to see the guidance counselor?

Pause.

Becca: What?

Pause.

Cartman: Never mind.
________________________________________

Kyle is playing chess against Ike, and Davy is rolling around, gurgling, giggling, and watching. The doorbell rings.

Sheila: Kyle, could you get that?

Kyle sighs and stands up to get the door. When he answers it, he is shocked to see—

Kyle: Bonnie Hunt?

Bonnie Hunt: Hello, little boy. Is this the Broflovski household?

Kyle: Yeah.

Bonnie Hunt: Wonderful! Now, I read in the newspaper a terrible story about a little girl being half-killed by her mother. Am I correct in saying that a certain Kyle Broflovski was quoted in the article?

Kyle: What?

He takes the paper from Bonnie Hunt and reads it a highlighted quote. "'I can't believe it. Hey, what's that smell,' murmurs Kyle Broflovski, 8, who first saw the unconscious body of Charlotte Pierzynski and alerted the police."

Kyle: Yeah. So what?

Bonnie Hunt: Well, I did a little research and talked to a few little helpers and I found out that your family is fostering one of the siblings of the victim!

Kyle: …What kind of research?

Bonnie Hunt: …That's not important. But this story has touched me, really, and I would love it if you and your family would appear on my talk-show.

Kyle (calling his mom): Mo-om! Bonnie Hunt's at the door and she wants to have us on her show!

Sheila: Did you say Bonnie Hunt?

She walks over to the door with a scowl on her face. Bonnie Hunt gasps.

Sheila: Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Sheila.

Sheila: Long time no see, Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Not long enough.

Kyle: Mom, you never told me you knew Bonnie Hunt!

Bonnie: Oh, I know Sheila from high school. I was the one who beat her for homecoming queen. Do you remember that, Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, of course I do. Do YOU remember when I beat you for valedictorian?

Bonnie: Clear as daylight, Sheila. But that didn't matter, I see. I'm an incredibly rich woman with my own talk show. And you live in an obscure little town in Colorado. And what are you—a stay-at-home mom?

Sheila: How dare you come to my house after all these years and insult me in front of my son!

Bonnie: Well, I take it you don't want him to appear on my talk show then. Well, if that's what you really want, I'll just be leaving in my limo now.

Sheila: I didn't say anything of the sort! My son WILL be on your show, BONNIE, and he'll be brilliant!

Bonnie: Then it's on again, isn't it Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, it's on. Let's just see who wins this time, you scamming bitch.

Bonnie: If you're referring to the incident a few years ago—

Sheila: I nearly wet my pants laughing! Good day to you, Bonnie.

She slams the door.

Kyle: Mom, I don't wanna be on the Bonnie Hunt show.

Sheila: I don't CARE if you want to. You're going on the show and you're going to love it. And more importantly, we're going to blow that bitch out of the business!

Kyle: How? I'm just a guest.

Sheila: Come here, Kyle. There's something I'd like to show you.

Kyle follows her into her closet. Sheila pulls out a large shoebox full of pictures.

Sheila: Skim through these tonight, Kyle. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little depressed, I just go through them. They always make me feel better.

Kyle: …Okay.
________________________________________

Cartman: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Guess what guess what guess what?

Ms. Cartman: What is it, snookums?

Cartman: Becca and I are gonna be on the Bonnie Hunt show!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, isn't that nice? See, having a little sister around isn't all that bad.

Cartman: Mo-om, you said she wasn't my little sister and we're just fostering her for a week or two!

Ms. Cartman: Sure, sweetie-pie.

Cartman: You didn't… adopt her, did you?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie-poo.

Cartman: Oh, good.

He walks outside to where Becca is contentedly playing with a few stuffed animals.

Cartman: I've got a better plan to get your brother back, Becca.

Becca: Really?

Cartman: As you know, on Saturday afternoon, we are going to be on national television.

Becca: Yeah, I know that.

Cartman: It's so simple, but it's brilliant! You break-down and cry and say that the Broflovskis are converting your little brother to Judaism against the will of your entire family. They'll have to give up the baby after a pitiful display like that!

Becca: That's a great idea, Eric! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

She runs up and hugs him.

Cartman: Ah, get off of me, you slimy little kid! [Shoves her off.] Now, we just need to practice.
________________________________________

Kyle is in his bedroom in pajamas. He picks up the shoebox and starts looking at pictures. One is of Bonnie Hunt as a teenager drunkenly hugging a teenage boy. Another is of Bonnie Hunt unconscious in her own puke. Another is one of her kissing the cheek of a really old man. Kyle continues to flip through them as his mom knocks on his door and comes in.

Sheila: Oh, good, you're looking at the pictures! They're a holler, don't you think?

Kyle: Mom, I just don't know if it'd be right to go on Bonnie Hunt's show and show her all these pictures of her as a teenager.

Sheila: To hell with what's "right"! Is anything "right"?

Kyle: I think you'd be embarrassing yourself more than her. I mean, for one thing, you're still a little obsessed over a high school rivalry. And also, it's a little creepy that you even have some of these pictures. I mean, she's naked in this one.

Sheila: I didn't TAKE that picture, sweetheart, my boyfriend did.

Kyle: I still don't think I should do that.

Sheila: Fine. Just ignore your mother, how about? Just completely betray her to get a few minutes on television with a baby and Bonnie Hunt! See if I care, Kyle. See if I care.

She stands up and walks to the door.

Kyle: Wait, mom.

Sheila turns back and tearfully acknowledges her son.

Kyle: If it's what you really want… then I guess I can go on the show and publicly humiliate her on the air to get back at her for whatever she did to you in high school.

Sheila: That's my boy!

She wraps Kyle in a hug and kisses him on the forehead.

Sheila: Good night, my little angel.

Kyle: Night, Ma.
________________________________________

That Saturday, everyone is backstage, preparing for the show. Cartman is with Becca and Kyle is holding Davy. Stan and Kenny are also backstage, sitting in seats and looking disgruntled.

Cartman to Becca: Remember, do it just like we practiced, okay?

Becca: Right.

Cartman: We can't use the flashcards up there, so if you forget a line, just ad-lib it. Make it bad and make it convincing, understand?

Becca: Aye-aye, Cap'n.

Sheila to Kyle: Now, don't start the slide show until I give you the signal, all right?

Kyle [sighing]: All right, Mom, all right.

Back to Stan and Kenny.

Stan: This sucks. We hardly got to do anything this entire episode.

Kenny: (And we're probably the greatest two characters to ever hit television! We're so deep, complex, and thought-provoking!)

Stan: I know! And all we get are few lines in the beginning, a minor appearance here and there, and that's it! Whoever wrote this has a cruel sense of humor.

Kenny: (What a bitch.)

Stan: What are we doing here anyway? We're not going to be on the show. Shouldn't we be in the audience or something?

Kenny shrugs.

Stan: Uh-oh, Kenny. Somehow I have a feeling that us being here has something to do with your inevitable demise.

Kenny's eyes widen and he lets out a muffled scream before the lights go out. They come on a moment later, revealing only an empty parka where Kenny once sat…

Stan: Oh my God, they stole Kenny!

Kyle's voice from awhile away: You bastard!
________________________________________

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bonnie Hunt Show!

Bonnie Hunt walks onstage, waving to the audience.

Bonnie: Oh, stop it, stop it. Now. We have some very special guests this evening. A week ago today, a little girl was badly beaten and poisoned by her own mother. Visiting us today are that girl's siblings and the little boy who found her unconscious body and called 9-1-1, saving her life. Please welcome Kyle Broflovski and Becca and Davy Pierzynski.

The audience applauds as Kyle and Becca walk onto the stage. Kyle is holding Davy and looking uncomfortable. Becca grins and waves sweetly.

Bonnie Hunt: Welcome, children.

Kyle and Becca: Hi, Bonnie Hunt.

Bonnie: Well, Kyle, you're certainly the little hero, aren't you?

Kyle: I guess.

Bonnie: Now, Kyle, we're all dying to know… Exactly how disturbing and graphic was the scene where little Charlotte was found? Please describe it in detail.

Kyle: Um, well I—

Before he can get any further, the lights dim and a slideshow starts on the wall behind them. Bonnie looks outraged. Kyle looks annoyed, but he stands up and begins flipping through some pictures.

Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, these are photos of Bonnie Hunt and my mom from their high school years.

The photos are all of the two smiling and laughing and hugging.

Bonnie: Okay, stop! Now!

Kyle: As you can see, they were once close friends. But today, they are bitter enemies. Why? Because of him.

He flips to a picture of a beefed-up teenager with large biceps and acne.

Sheila (backstage): Oh, sweet Jehovah.

Kyle: This is Ray Jorgenson. He was the quarterback of the football team. And he had big muscles, and… Well, I don't know the details, but apparently, they started hating each other around the time my mom started dating him. Well, just to show you how dumb it was that they gave up their friendship over this guy, here's a picture of him now.

A balding, obese worker at KFC stares soullessly into the camera.

Kyle: What ever happened to sisters before misters? I don't know, America. I just don't know.

Sheila comes out onto the stage.

Sheila: Oh, Bonnie, to think we've been fighting all this time about silly Ray Jorgenson.

Bonnie: I feel so ridiculous. Let's forget the whole thing.

Sheila: Yes, let's.

They hug. Just then, pictures start playing again. Now, we see pictures of teenaged Sheila in an assortment of embarrassing situations.

Sheila: Kyle! What is this?

Kyle: I don't know! I've never seen those pictures before. [A picture of Sheila mostly naked comes up.] Gah!

Bonnie: COMMERCIAL. [To Sheila] Sheila. I—I'm sorry.

Sheila: You bitch! You were going to embarrass me on national television! In front of my son!

Bonnie: Sheila, I can explain.

Sheila: This isn't over, bitch!

She marches off the stage. The audience is baffled. Kyle looks horrified.
________________________________________

Bonnie has regained her composure. They're filming again. Becca, Davy, and Kyle are still on the stage.

Bonnie: Now, let's talk to Becca, the brave little sister of Charlotte Pierzynski. How are you feeling, Becca, dear?

Becca: Fine, thanks, Mrs. Hunt.

Bonnie: She's precious. Isn't she precious? Let's give her a round of applause.

The audience claps and says, "Aw…"

Bonnie: So, Becca, what's the scariest part of this whole experience?

Becca: Probably knowing that my brother is staying in a house with Jews.

There are gasps from the audience. Kyle slaps his hand on his forehead.

Bonnie: …What?

Becca: They're gonna make his brains into tapeworms, and… brainwash him… and… instead of thinking, he'll just scheme. It's… it's so awful! [She breaks down into sobs.]

Cartman comes rushing out. He hugs Becca.

Cartman: There, there, little child. Don't weep. I'm sure Ms. Hunt, being as kindly and generous as she is, will assist in freeing your infant brother from the clutches of Judaism.

Bonnie: …You have got to be kidding me.

Kyle: Kid, you know that Judaism is a religion, right?

Becca abruptly stops crying.

Becca: What?

Kyle: It's a religion. Davy is too young to get it anyway. We can't indoctrinate him into a religion.

Becca to Eric: You told me they were monsters!

Cartman: I… you know… they sort of are…

Becca: Why did you lie to me, Eric?

Cartman: …I just wanted to be…a…a good brother.

Kyle: You're not serious.

Becca: You are a good brother, Eric. You're the best big brother in the whole wide world.

She hugs him. The audience says "aw…"

Kyle: You're not really buying this. [He groans.] You've got to be kidding me!
________________________________________

A bit later in the show…

Bonnie: Now, for one last treat before we go, a surprise guest! None other than little Charlotte Pierzynski herself, her first time out of the hospital since a week ago, along with the doctor who saved her life, Tom Ripley!

The Doctor and Mindy roll Charlie onto the stage in a wheelchair. She looks pretty discombobulated, but she smiles when Becca runs up to hug her. Kyle doesn't seem to know what to do.
________________________________________

The show is over and everyone is backstage. Becca is jumping up and down, holding Charlie's hand.
Becca: …And we played tea party and dress-up and school and "Destroy Jerusalem" and house and Hungry Hungry Hippos, and they have a kitty-cat!

Cartman (embarrassed): Ahem, let's not overwhelm her, Becca.

He leads her away. The Marshes come up to Charlie.

Sharon Marsh: We're so happy you're getting better, Charlie. You know, once you get out of the hospital, you'll be staying at our house with little Stanley for awhile!

Stan: Wait, what?

Sharon: Won't that be fun, Stanley? It'll be like having another sister!

Stan: Oh no!

Stan runs away. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh follow him. Kyle walks up.

Kyle: Um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie (with a raspy voice): Hi Kyle. Thanks for helping take care of Davy.

Kyle: Oh, yeah… you're welcome. Look, I'm really sorry for telling Mr. Mackey. I never would've done it if I thought this might have happened.

Charlie: It's okay, Kyle. I'm not mad.

Kyle: You aren't?

Charlie: No. I really should thank you for, uh… you know…

Kyle: What?

Charlie: …Finding me and calling an ambulance and all.

Kyle: Oh. Uh, you're welcome. Hey, do you have any idea where my mom went?
________________________________________

Sheila stands out by the exit of the building as the audience leaves. She wears the shoebox of pictures around her neck with a strap.

Sheila: Teenage pictures of Bonnie Hunt for sale! $10 for slutty, $20 for drunk, and $30 for nude! Show them to all your friends! Get 'em while they're still here!