HOME | DD
tinyplaidninja — Refuge
Published: 2008-05-13 05:37:25 +0000 UTC; Views: 438; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 4
Redirect to original
Description
In a world of second-guessinguncertainty
your eyes, darkened by shadows, peer out
at a barely-recognizable homeland
is it really a home?
trust is torn apart by claws of hatred and
thrown among the despairing—
there is no welcome mat here
There is only fear
a thick slime left behind in the footprints of our shadows
a smell thick enough to taste
an orange light penetrating our dreams
But keep your heart with me
and I’ll try to be your refuge
you can hear the birdsong where I cannot
and it’s because of you
that I can keep smiling
Related content
Comments: 23
"Trust is torn apart by claws of hatred" Love that line so much, this is one of your best for sure! Love the explanation too! Very well written 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
NP! You are such a talented poet 
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
I LOVE that quote
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I LOVE IT! I love the line, "your eyes, darkened by shadows, peer out
at a barely-recognizable homeland
is it really a home?
trust is torn apart by claws of hatred and
thrown among the despairing—
there is no welcome mat here"
Hell, I love it all!!! Way to go ninja, go ninja, go ninja, go , go, go ninja, go ninja, GO 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
there is no welcome mat here
I think mat should come out.
there is no welcome here
I think that's much stronger.
There is only fear
a thick slime left behind in the footprints of our shadows
a smell thick enough to see
an orange light penetrating our dreams
Slime doesn't feel right here. You've got a mood well established and 'slime' makes it falter for me. Perhaps:
There is only fear
the thickly coating detritus left behind in the footprints of our shadows
scents palpable enough to taste
an orange light penetrating our dreams.
A smell you can see seems odd, but a smell you can taste is something everyone can relate to. Also, the play on scents and sense, as you're mixing exactly that at this point.
You've also used 'thick' twice there, which you should substitute with another word to avoid the repetition. In editing I'll go through each paragraph backwards, starting from the end and working back to the beginning looking for things like that (repeated words), as their much easier to pick up on when you take yourself out of the flow of the writing.
I really like this, it's brief and to the point without being obvious or overly direct. Very nicely done.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks so much for the comment, and thanks for pointing all that out! I've been meaning to work on this one, so all that will definitely help a lot!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're very welcome, it's a great piece of writing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
woah, i dont remember commenting on this...
huh
anyway, i was gona say i like everythin except the use of 'thick' 2x so closely in the second stanza
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
yeah you did. and it helped ^^ i added the second stanza when you said that the transition was too quick.
hmm i hadn't noticed that until just now. i think i might leave it only because it takes you back to the whole slime thing, and that's what i want. but thanks for pointing it out
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lol ok :]
im glad i helped
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
you always do, jelly ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe in more ways than one...
XDD
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
haha im glad you think so
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
oh yes. yes indeed. XD
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
maybe a bit more transition between the two halves, cause it was a bit jumpy
otherwise its good :]
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
t'as raison. that means you're right in french. i was thinking about that today. i will definitely add a few lines in there. thanks jelly!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0