HOME | DD

Description
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Ahmed.

Ahmed was a Muslim, a follower of the Islamic faith. Ahmed was a devoted man, praying five times a day and studying the Qur'an, the Islamic holy book and observing Sharia Law, the laws of Allah governing all Muslim lives both public and private.

He listened to the many Imams who preached the gospels of Islam, filling himself with their wisdom and did all he believed Allah expected of him, for he wanted to insure his place in Jannah, the garden of Allah where all faithful Muslims go in the afterlife. A lush tropical oasis, where one's desires are fulfilled.

And Ahmed prayed for a better afterlife, considering his current one was anything but paradise. Ahmed lived in the Middle East, a quagmire of old world religious fundamentals, new world politics, high tech weapons of mass destruction and oil.

And like most young Muslims, Ahmed listened to the gospels of radical Islam, for their faith was under attack by the decadent western ideas of the Great Satan: America!

That bastion of decadence where women are granted human rights and other religions are tolerated...especially the Jews! But the worst sin the Americans have committed, at least in the eyes of Ahmed, was the consumption of pork!

"How dare those infidels, demanding that all should eat swine!" he would curse openly to his brother Muslims. "Such heresy can not be tolerated! And besides, bacon's too fatty. I dream of a world wide caliphate where everybody follows the teachings of Muhammad and no one eats pork."

So like many other Muslims before him, Ahmed joined the most extremist Islamic terrorist group in the Middle East, Ha'meggs.

Ahmed trained hard in the arid desert heat, sweating and stinking as he prepared for Jihad, the holy war against all who dare to follow decadent western ideologies and dine on swine. But as he toiled in the hot desert sun, his thoughts would drift to his one true goal in life, the dream of all faithful Muslims who must live in this living hell: Jannah.

There, in his own personal lush tropical oasis, he will be rewarded with 72 maidens, servicing him with food and wine and lots of sex...just like in the internet porn he and his fellow Jihadists would watch in their off time.

After years of killing innocent peo...uh, excuse me, justly punishing infidels, Ahmed was called to Pakistan to meet with the leader of Ha'meggs, Osama Bin Lousey, who has selected him for a special mission within the United States...a suicide mission.

"A suicide mission?" Ahmed questioned, his eyes wide in shock.

"Are you afraid to give your life for Allah?" his leader responded.

Ahmed answered with a joyous smile upon his face. "Oh, this is what I have been waiting for, to die in the name of Allah and get my own personal oasis with 72 maidens to service me and be done with this wretched, dirty, smelly, sweltering life!"

"Well uh...yeah. Yeah. That's the ticket."

"But how will I get into America?" Ahmed pondered. "I know, I will pretend to be a Syrian refugee and sneak in with the rest of those cowards who would rather flee than fight for Allah."

But his leader gave him a disturbed look. "No," Osama said. "No. Why would we want to do that? You would be so stuck in limbo for about two years, filing paperwork and being investigated by all these bureaucracies that by the time you get into America, our target would have moved on. No, we shall do it the fast way."

"The fast way?"

"We will say you are an Arab tourist, get you a VISA and you will be there in a week."

***
One week later, Ahmed was in America where he met with the leader of the Islamic terrorist cell, Abdelihamid Al Biraz, who explained his divine mission. "A group of nuns are having a Christmas party at a hotel ten blocks from here. With them will be a group of refugee girls who have converted to Christianity and are learning to read...and they are serving ham."

"Blasphemy!" Ahmed yelled. "How dare they violate Allah's law! And those nuns dress so immoderately, showing their faces and ankles!"

"They cause earthquakes!"

"So, what am I to do? Shoot them all with an AK-47?"

"No," Abdelihamid returned. "With all the mass shootings going on here in America, and everybody buying guns because of our own recent acts of devotion against infidels in France and California, ammunition is actually getting hard for us to obtain. So we decided that America really needs a good taste of some old world Islamic terrorism. We are going to use explosives. And, in keeping with the holidays, you will be dressed like Santa Claus."

This was music to Ahmed's ears. "Praise Allah! Being blown to bits in his name, for his cause, dressed as Santa Claus, will make me famous!"

"You will be an inspiration to all our future martyrs. We may even call you Ahmed the Great."

"Ahmed the Great! I like that! Has a ring to it. So, I guess I will be wearing a TNT lined vest. That way, I will look fat like the jolly ol' elf, eh?"

"No," Abdelihamid answered. He then showed Ahmed the bomb that will be implanted with in him. "Now, we hollowed out this dildo and filled it with plastic explosives and will conceal it up your rectal area."

Ahmed gazed upon the weapon in horror. "You are...going to stuff THAT... up my rectal area?"

"We had budget cuts. You know, the big boys back in the Middle East wants to spend more of the terrorist budget fighting infidels in Iraq and Syria..."

"But it is so...long..."

"About a foot...but it's flexible."

"You over stuffed it."

"Well, we did need a lot of explosives. There'll be a lot of infidels at the party."

"It will be like sticking a dead cat up my rectal area."

"And would you not do this for Allah? Are you not willing to withstand a little discomfort to defend your faith against the forces that seek to destroy it, like young girls learning to read?"

"Well...of course. But is this not like...homoerotic?"

"Will you be deriving any pleasure from this...other than glorifying Allah?"

Ahmed wrinkled his forehead as he looked upon the bomb. "No," he whimpered.

"Then it is not homoerotic," Abdelihamid returned. "Now look. Close your eyes." Ahmed closed his eyes. "Now keep saying to yourself: Tropical paradise. 72 maidens."

"Tropical paradise. 72 maidens," Ahmed repeated. "Tropical paradise. 72 maidens."

"Good," Abdelihamid said as he grabbed the bomb. "Now, bend over and prepare to receive Allah's blessing."

Ahmed's eyes widened in horror. "Can I not go to the restroom first? I had a big taco salad today for lunch. You could say I'm full of Shiite..."

"There is no time for that! The van broke down and you will have to walk the ten blocks. And our intel tells us that the party will be over in about an hour. So we must proceed post haste! Now assume the position!"

"Uh...do we have any Vaseline?"

"No. We spent too much on the explosives and the dildo. Now, say Ah-llah."

***
So, dressed as ol' Saint Nick with the explosive place within his intestines and a wire to the detonator running out his rectal area, Ahmed bravely set forth to punish the infidels for their blasphemy. Unfortunately, the bomb was so painful that he couldn't stand erect, walking like a T-rex with a disgusted look upon his face.

But as he trudged painfully through the streets of the country he was taught to hate, feeling like he had a brick inside his innards, his teeth clenched in pain, he kept thinking to himself "...tropical paradise...72 maidens...tropical paradise...72 maidens..."

Finally, our heroic jihadist reached his destination and with the battle cry, "MERRY CHRISTMAS...AND ALLAH ACKBAR!", Ahmed committed his divine act, taking out 50 infidels who had dared to defy Allah...as well as himself.

When Ahmed opened his eyes, he found himself in a mysterious place. He was in a white, windowless room, laying on something he has rarely experienced: A soft, comfortable couch.

Then, he noticed his attire. No longer was he donned in the clothes of Santa. Now, he wore the robes of a sultan, his head adorned by a jewel-encrusted turban. And his body felt as clean as if he had just bathed.

While he did find his current accommodations rather relaxing, Ahmed was confused. Obviously, he was not in Jannah. And since he was blown to bits, he wouldn't have had a Muslim burial, and thus, no grave to wait in until Judgement Day.

Perhaps this place is some purgatory for Jihadists who died in the name of Allah but didn't get a burial. "Oh well, this is not such an unpleasant place," Ahmed thought as he relaxed, resting his head upon his folded palms. "But I wonder how long I will have to wait?"

The answer came when he heard the door open. Stepping down from the couch, he saw an old man with neat, white hair enter the room. Wearing glasses, dressed in what appeared to be a white, western styled business suit, like what the American infidels wear. He was carrying a clipboard, to which his eyes remained as he closed the door.

Again, Ahmed was confused. Obviously, this was an angel or some other servant of Allah, but he was expecting someone dressed in the more traditional attire of an Islamic cleric and not that of a western bureaucrat. He didn't even have a beard!

And then, there was the other problem Ahmed had with this fellow...he looked like a Jew.

"Salutations...uh, it's Ahmed, right?" The old man asked.

Ahmed stood proudly, his chest stuck out and his head held high. "I am the one to which you seek. Ahmed the Great! And you are?"

The old man looked up. "You can call me...Bub."

"Are you a Jew?"

"Parden?"

"Are you a Jew?"

Bub smiled. "What I was before is irreverent, my friend. Here, we are all brothers...and we follow...one leader."

"Ah. Of course," Ahmed returned. "You must have been a convert in your previous life, which is why you are here now."

"You could say that I...fell for the one we serve."

"Yes. Now, about my reward."

"Ah, yes...your reward. One moment, please...gotta check your record..." Bub returned to his clipboard. "Hmmmm...very impressive. You killed about 150..."

"Punished," Ahmed corrected. "Every infidel who I have killed, it was a punishment."

"Of course. I stand corrected, sir. Now, you punished 150 infidels in your first year in the fatwa."

"Yes."

"You stoned your own mother to death when you were 12. Correct?"

"I was her oldest male child and she dared to give me orders!"

"Says here that she only wanted you to eat your broccoli. Now, you once blew up a synagogue during a wedding. Correct?"

Ahmed smiled with pride. "The bride was an Arab girl who converted to Judaism. I took her and the groom out, as well as his parents."

"The parents...yes...now, your last act of devotion resulted in the deaths of ten nuns and forty young girls ages ten though 17."

"They worship Jesus as the son of Allah and not his prophet. And they were serving ham!"

"And as far those young girls go..." Bub chuckled, "Well, suffer the children, eh?"

Ahmed laughed, not fully understanding the verse. "Right. Suffer the children. Now, About my reward?"

The old man threw his clipboard into the air, which magically disappeared. "If you'll follow me, I shall take you to where you need to go."

And with that, the two left the room and went down a hallway until they came upon a large, white door. "Ah, this must be Bab al-Jihad, one of the eight doors to Jannah," Ahmed stated. "The one that is reserved for jihadists."

Bub then opened the door and held it for Ahmed. "After you, my friend."

And as Ahmed crossed the threshold, his eyes were greeted to a most wonderful, beautiful sight he has only witnessed in pictures...Paradise.

It was like one gigantic oasis. Huge, tropical trees towering towards a bright blue sky. A waterfall fell from a high cliff and into a stream of clear, clean water. The air smelled sweet and clean as he felt a cool, fresh breeze caressing him.

Ahmed was so overwhelmed by his new life that he fell to his knees and began to cry with joy. "It...is...so...beautiful...this truly is Jannah..."

"Not just Jannah," said Bub. "Firdaws."

Upon hearing that last word, Ahmed gazed up to the old man euphorically. "Fir...Firdaws...the highest garden in Jannah?!"

"Yep. You made it. Now, let me take you to the Big Lollipop."

Raising to his feet, Ahmed followed Bub to a clearing along the stream. There, he saw a large, fur-covered couch filled with all sort of treasure. Gold coins, jewels, emeralds, rubies, diamonds and pearls.

But the couch full of treasure was nothing compared to the 72 young maidens who stood behind it. They appeared to be of various ages, from 12 to 21. They all had different hair color and were of different races, but all were beautiful, just like the girls he would see on internet porn. They flirted with him, winking and blowing him kisses while waving their ample, naked breasts.

"They...they are not wearing...burqas?"

"They don't need 'em," Bub returned with a sleazy smile. "They're your maidens...your haram."

"Finally, I will have sex with a woman who I was not raping," Ahmed said with glee. "No longer must I depend on Rosie Palm and her five wicked daughters!"

But before Ahmed could jump into the 72 maidens for a massive orgy, he was stopped by Bub. "Uh...there is just one more little thingie we have to attend to before you can indulge in your reward, Ahmed."

"Oh, and what is that?"

"Follow me, please."

"You mean there is more?" Ahmed questioned with a smile.

Bub returned his smile. "You could say that."

And with that, Ahmed followed the old man out of the massive oasis through another door, which led to a large, desert valley, miles of sand as a hot, horrid sun pounded waves of heat down upon him. And the air stank of human ordure.

"This is horrible!" Ahmed said as he sweltered in the heat. "It is even worse than the desert I lived in back on Earth. I am returning to Firdaws..."

But just as he was about to reenter the door that led to this hell, Bub closed it. This confused Ahmed, who questioned, "What is going on? Why did you close the door?!" He grabbed the handle to reopen it, but found it locked.

Furiously, he tried to force the door open, pulling on the handle with all of his might, but it was of no avail. He returned to Bub and yelled, "I WANT BACK IN!"

"You can't go back in yet," Bub answered. "You see, that's the real Bab al-Jihad."

"Fine. Open it."

"I can't. I need the key."

"Then get the key and give me what I deserve!"

Bub gave Ahmed an uneasy look. "Uh...it's not that simple, Ahmed. There's a little problem. You see, remember what you were told about the 72 maidens in a lush oasis?"

"Yes."

"Well...perhaps I should show you."

And with that, Bub led Ahmed to a cliff that overlooked a huge pit, larger than a valley, where his eyes were greeted by a nightmare. Within the pit were a countless number of men, dressed like him, fighting each other in a massive orgy of violence, all knee high in a lake of watery human waste.

"This is madness!" Ahmed exclaimed. "What is going on here?! Oh, the stink is offensive!"

"These are your fellow jihadists," Bub explained. "Men of God who had died with honor defending their faith from those who seek to destroy it."

"But they are destroying each other! Why are they fighting?!"

"For the 72 maidens in the lush oasis."

Ahmed gave the old man a grave look. "But Firdaws is endless. Surely there is plenty of room for all."

"But what about the maidens?"

"Surely Allah has 72 maidens for each of us."

Bub removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You don't get it, do you. There are only 72 maidens. Look, bottom line: Only one of you can enter that door. Not two of you. Not ten. ONE! If you have a problem with that, take it up with Allah."

"But there must be a way to settle this!"

"There is," answered the old man. "Somewhere in that lake of human waste is the key to the door to Jannah. All you have to do is find it then you can claim your eternal reward."

"Is that all I need to do?" Ahmed said with a smile. "Well, it is so simple. I will just simply explain the truth to my brothers. They shall realize that I should have the key since I gave my life defending Allah and our faith. I mean, I took a dildo up my rectal area. Surely they will see the light."

"Oh, I'm sure they will."

And with that, Ahmed blew a loud whistle, which gained the attention of his brothers. All stopped fighting and looked upon the new comer. "Salutations, my brothers. I am Ahmed the Great! And I..."

"Hey!" Interrupted one of his audience. "There is like a couple of million Ahmeds in here!"

"Uh...yes. Well, I have died in the name of Allah, taking 50 infidels with me. So I am here to claim my reward so if any of you can kindly help me find the key to Jannah, I shall get what is coming to me."

"No!" shouted one of his listeners. "I claim the key to Jannah! I too have martyred myself in the name of Allah! Jannah is mine!"

"No! It is mine!" yelled yet another. "I fire bombed a girl school and sold the survivors into slavery!"

The men in the pit started arguing among themselves. "Brothers! Brothers! Please!" Ahmed called. "There is no need to fight! I just settled this. Now, help me find the key!"

"Ah go screw yourself!" returned one of the men in the pit.

"That is why I want the 72 maidens, so I do not have to do that anymore. Look! I took a dildo over-stuffed with explosives up my rectal area for Allah!"

"Oh, that is so homoerotic!"

"Yeah! You should be put to death!"

"Uh...I am already dead...but that is beside the point. My oblation earns me the right to paradise!"

"NO! IT IS MINE!"

"NO! MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

And with that, the fighting began again. And as Ahmed's fellow jihadists tore into each other in the filth, our hero stood dumbfounded. "Why will they not listen to simple logic?" he mused sadly.

"Like you, they are jihadists," explained Bub. "They all died in the war against the west. Like you, they all believe they deserve to enter Jannah."

"NO!" Ahmed yelled angrily to his brothers, who were too busy killing each other to hear his words or even care. "I took a dildo up my rectal area and walked ten blocks with it clogging my insides! You all may be martyrs, but none of you had the resolve I did to endure that!"

But the only response to Ahmed's words was a face full of fecal matter. This angered Ahmed, so much so that he grabbed his turban and threw it to the ground. "INFIDELS! CAMEL HUMPERS! JEWS LOVERS! I DO NOT CARE IF IT TAKES ME ALL OF ETERNITY! BY MY FATHER'S NOSE HAIRS I WILL WIN THAT ALLAH CURSED KEY EVEN IF I HAVE TO KILL YOU ALL!"

And with the battle cry of "ALLAH ACKBAR!", Ahmed jumped from the cliff and into the sea of chaos and human waste, punching, kicking, scratching, biting, so on and so forth, as the same was done to him.

Picking up the turban, Beelzebub dusted it off and placed it upon his head. "They always say the same thing," he said to himself, smiling. "But I'm sure he'll have a hell of a time here. Pity that there's really no key..."

***
The morale of this story: If you believe that the path to heaven must be splashed with the blood of the innocent (according to a book written by illiterates in the Bronze Age Middle East), regardless of your faith, or if you believe that no one is innocent because humanity is guilty of the original sin, you're not one of the faithful, you're an misanthropic sociopath. You deserve to wallow in your own faith and have your religion stuffed up your ass.

BAH! HUMBUG!

From Todshi

Description
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Ahmed.

Ahmed was a Muslim, a follower of the Islamic faith. Ahmed was a devoted man, praying five times a day and studying the Qur'an, the Islamic holy book and observing Sharia Law, the laws of Allah governing all Muslim lives both public and private.

He listened to the many Imams who preached the gospels of Islam, filling himself with their wisdom and did all he believed Allah expected of him, for he wanted to insure his place in Jannah, the garden of Allah where all faithful Muslims go in the afterlife. A lush tropical oasis, where one's desires are fulfilled.

And Ahmed prayed for a better afterlife, considering his current one was anything but paradise. Ahmed lived in the Middle East, a quagmire of old world religious fundamentals, new world politics, high tech weapons of mass destruction and oil.

And like most young Muslims, Ahmed listened to the gospels of radical Islam, for their faith was under attack by the decadent western ideas of the Great Satan: America!

That bastion of decadence where women are granted human rights and other religions are tolerated...especially the Jews! But the worst sin the Americans have committed, at least in the eyes of Ahmed, was the consumption of pork!

"How dare those infidels, demanding that all should eat swine!" he would curse openly to his brother Muslims. "Such heresy can not be tolerated! And besides, bacon's too fatty. I dream of a world wide caliphate where everybody follows the teachings of Muhammad and no one eats pork."

So like many other Muslims before him, Ahmed joined the most extremist Islamic terrorist group in the Middle East, Ha'meggs.

Ahmed trained hard in the arid desert heat, sweating and stinking as he prepared for Jihad, the holy war against all who dare to follow decadent western ideologies and dine on swine. But as he toiled in the hot desert sun, his thoughts would drift to his one true goal in life, the dream of all faithful Muslims who must live in this living hell: Jannah.

There, in his own personal lush tropical oasis, he will be rewarded with 72 maidens, servicing him with food and wine and lots of sex...just like in the internet porn he and his fellow Jihadists would watch in their off time.

After years of killing innocent peo...uh, excuse me, justly punishing infidels, Ahmed was called to Pakistan to meet with the leader of Ha'meggs, Osama Bin Lousey, who has selected him for a special mission within the United States...a suicide mission.

"A suicide mission?" Ahmed questioned, his eyes wide in shock.

"Are you afraid to give your life for Allah?" his leader responded.

Ahmed answered with a joyous smile upon his face. "Oh, this is what I have been waiting for, to die in the name of Allah and get my own personal oasis with 72 maidens to service me and be done with this wretched, dirty, smelly, sweltering life!"

"Well uh...yeah. Yeah. That's the ticket."

"But how will I get into America?" Ahmed pondered. "I know, I will pretend to be a Syrian refugee and sneak in with the rest of those cowards who would rather flee than fight for Allah."

But his leader gave him a disturbed look. "No," Osama said. "No. Why would we want to do that? You would be so stuck in limbo for about two years, filing paperwork and being investigated by all these bureaucracies that by the time you get into America, our target would have moved on. No, we shall do it the fast way."

"The fast way?"

"We will say you are an Arab tourist, get you a VISA and you will be there in a week."

***
One week later, Ahmed was in America where he met with the leader of the Islamic terrorist cell, Abdelihamid Al Biraz, who explained his divine mission. "A group of nuns are having a Christmas party at a hotel ten blocks from here. With them will be a group of refugee girls who have converted to Christianity and are learning to read...and they are serving ham."

"Blasphemy!" Ahmed yelled. "How dare they violate Allah's law! And those nuns dress so immoderately, showing their faces and ankles!"

"They cause earthquakes!"

"So, what am I to do? Shoot them all with an AK-47?"

"No," Abdelihamid returned. "With all the mass shootings going on here in America, and everybody buying guns because of our own recent acts of devotion against infidels in France and California, ammunition is actually getting hard for us to obtain. So we decided that America really needs a good taste of some old world Islamic terrorism. We are going to use explosives. And, in keeping with the holidays, you will be dressed like Santa Claus."

This was music to Ahmed's ears. "Praise Allah! Being blown to bits in his name, for his cause, dressed as Santa Claus, will make me famous!"

"You will be an inspiration to all our future martyrs. We may even call you Ahmed the Great."

"Ahmed the Great! I like that! Has a ring to it. So, I guess I will be wearing a TNT lined vest. That way, I will look fat like the jolly ol' elf, eh?"

"No," Abdelihamid answered. He then showed Ahmed the bomb that will be implanted with in him. "Now, we hollowed out this dildo and filled it with plastic explosives and will conceal it up your rectal area."

Ahmed gazed upon the weapon in horror. "You are...going to stuff THAT... up my rectal area?"

"We had budget cuts. You know, the big boys back in the Middle East wants to spend more of the terrorist budget fighting infidels in Iraq and Syria..."

"But it is so...long..."

"About a foot...but it's flexible."

"You over stuffed it."

"Well, we did need a lot of explosives. There'll be a lot of infidels at the party."

"It will be like sticking a dead cat up my rectal area."

"And would you not do this for Allah? Are you not willing to withstand a little discomfort to defend your faith against the forces that seek to destroy it, like young girls learning to read?"

"Well...of course. But is this not like...homoerotic?"

"Will you be deriving any pleasure from this...other than glorifying Allah?"

Ahmed wrinkled his forehead as he looked upon the bomb. "No," he whimpered.

"Then it is not homoerotic," Abdelihamid returned. "Now look. Close your eyes." Ahmed closed his eyes. "Now keep saying to yourself: Tropical paradise. 72 maidens."

"Tropical paradise. 72 maidens," Ahmed repeated. "Tropical paradise. 72 maidens."

"Good," Abdelihamid said as he grabbed the bomb. "Now, bend over and prepare to receive Allah's blessing."

Ahmed's eyes widened in horror. "Can I not go to the restroom first? I had a big taco salad today for lunch. You could say I'm full of Shiite..."

"There is no time for that! The van broke down and you will have to walk the ten blocks. And our intel tells us that the party will be over in about an hour. So we must proceed post haste! Now assume the position!"

"Uh...do we have any Vaseline?"

"No. We spent too much on the explosives and the dildo. Now, say Ah-llah."

***
So, dressed as ol' Saint Nick with the explosive place within his intestines and a wire to the detonator running out his rectal area, Ahmed bravely set forth to punish the infidels for their blasphemy. Unfortunately, the bomb was so painful that he couldn't stand erect, walking like a T-rex with a disgusted look upon his face.

But as he trudged painfully through the streets of the country he was taught to hate, feeling like he had a brick inside his innards, his teeth clenched in pain, he kept thinking to himself "...tropical paradise...72 maidens...tropical paradise...72 maidens..."

Finally, our heroic jihadist reached his destination and with the battle cry, "MERRY CHRISTMAS...AND ALLAH ACKBAR!", Ahmed committed his divine act, taking out 50 infidels who had dared to defy Allah...as well as himself.

When Ahmed opened his eyes, he found himself in a mysterious place. He was in a white, windowless room, laying on something he has rarely experienced: A soft, comfortable couch.

Then, he noticed his attire. No longer was he donned in the clothes of Santa. Now, he wore the robes of a sultan, his head adorned by a jewel-encrusted turban. And his body felt as clean as if he had just bathed.

While he did find his current accommodations rather relaxing, Ahmed was confused. Obviously, he was not in Jannah. And since he was blown to bits, he wouldn't have had a Muslim burial, and thus, no grave to wait in until Judgement Day.

Perhaps this place is some purgatory for Jihadists who died in the name of Allah but didn't get a burial. "Oh well, this is not such an unpleasant place," Ahmed thought as he relaxed, resting his head upon his folded palms. "But I wonder how long I will have to wait?"

The answer came when he heard the door open. Stepping down from the couch, he saw an old man with neat, white hair enter the room. Wearing glasses, dressed in what appeared to be a white, western styled business suit, like what the American infidels wear. He was carrying a clipboard, to which his eyes remained as he closed the door.

Again, Ahmed was confused. Obviously, this was an angel or some other servant of Allah, but he was expecting someone dressed in the more traditional attire of an Islamic cleric and not that of a western bureaucrat. He didn't even have a beard!

And then, there was the other problem Ahmed had with this fellow...he looked like a Jew.

"Salutations...uh, it's Ahmed, right?" The old man asked.

Ahmed stood proudly, his chest stuck out and his head held high. "I am the one to which you seek. Ahmed the Great! And you are?"

The old man looked up. "You can call me...Bub."

"Are you a Jew?"

"Parden?"

"Are you a Jew?"

Bub smiled. "What I was before is irreverent, my friend. Here, we are all brothers...and we follow...one leader."

"Ah. Of course," Ahmed returned. "You must have been a convert in your previous life, which is why you are here now."

"You could say that I...fell for the one we serve."

"Yes. Now, about my reward."

"Ah, yes...your reward. One moment, please...gotta check your record..." Bub returned to his clipboard. "Hmmmm...very impressive. You killed about 150..."

"Punished," Ahmed corrected. "Every infidel who I have killed, it was a punishment."

"Of course. I stand corrected, sir. Now, you punished 150 infidels in your first year in the fatwa."

"Yes."

"You stoned your own mother to death when you were 12. Correct?"

"I was her oldest male child and she dared to give me orders!"

"Says here that she only wanted you to eat your broccoli. Now, you once blew up a synagogue during a wedding. Correct?"

Ahmed smiled with pride. "The bride was an Arab girl who converted to Judaism. I took her and the groom out, as well as his parents."

"The parents...yes...now, your last act of devotion resulted in the deaths of ten nuns and forty young girls ages ten though 17."

"They worship Jesus as the son of Allah and not his prophet. And they were serving ham!"

"And as far those young girls go..." Bub chuckled, "Well, suffer the children, eh?"

Ahmed laughed, not fully understanding the verse. "Right. Suffer the children. Now, About my reward?"

The old man threw his clipboard into the air, which magically disappeared. "If you'll follow me, I shall take you to where you need to go."

And with that, the two left the room and went down a hallway until they came upon a large, white door. "Ah, this must be Bab al-Jihad, one of the eight doors to Jannah," Ahmed stated. "The one that is reserved for jihadists."

Bub then opened the door and held it for Ahmed. "After you, my friend."

And as Ahmed crossed the threshold, his eyes were greeted to a most wonderful, beautiful sight he has only witnessed in pictures...Paradise.

It was like one gigantic oasis. Huge, tropical trees towering towards a bright blue sky. A waterfall fell from a high cliff and into a stream of clear, clean water. The air smelled sweet and clean as he felt a cool, fresh breeze caressing him.

Ahmed was so overwhelmed by his new life that he fell to his knees and began to cry with joy. "It...is...so...beautiful...this truly is Jannah..."

"Not just Jannah," said Bub. "Firdaws."

Upon hearing that last word, Ahmed gazed up to the old man euphorically. "Fir...Firdaws...the highest garden in Jannah?!"

"Yep. You made it. Now, let me take you to the Big Lollipop."

Raising to his feet, Ahmed followed Bub to a clearing along the stream. There, he saw a large, fur-covered couch filled with all sort of treasure. Gold coins, jewels, emeralds, rubies, diamonds and pearls.

But the couch full of treasure was nothing compared to the 72 young maidens who stood behind it. They appeared to be of various ages, from 12 to 21. They all had different hair color and were of different races, but all were beautiful, just like the girls he would see on internet porn. They flirted with him, winking and blowing him kisses while waving their ample, naked breasts.

"They...they are not wearing...burqas?"

"They don't need 'em," Bub returned with a sleazy smile. "They're your maidens...your haram."

"Finally, I will have sex with a woman who I was not raping," Ahmed said with glee. "No longer must I depend on Rosie Palm and her five wicked daughters!"

But before Ahmed could jump into the 72 maidens for a massive orgy, he was stopped by Bub. "Uh...there is just one more little thingie we have to attend to before you can indulge in your reward, Ahmed."

"Oh, and what is that?"

"Follow me, please."

"You mean there is more?" Ahmed questioned with a smile.

Bub returned his smile. "You could say that."

And with that, Ahmed followed the old man out of the massive oasis through another door, which led to a large, desert valley, miles of sand as a hot, horrid sun pounded waves of heat down upon him. And the air stank of human ordure.

"This is horrible!" Ahmed said as he sweltered in the heat. "It is even worse than the desert I lived in back on Earth. I am returning to Firdaws..."

But just as he was about to reenter the door that led to this hell, Bub closed it. This confused Ahmed, who questioned, "What is going on? Why did you close the door?!" He grabbed the handle to reopen it, but found it locked.

Furiously, he tried to force the door open, pulling on the handle with all of his might, but it was of no avail. He returned to Bub and yelled, "I WANT BACK IN!"

"You can't go back in yet," Bub answered. "You see, that's the real Bab al-Jihad."

"Fine. Open it."

"I can't. I need the key."

"Then get the key and give me what I deserve!"

Bub gave Ahmed an uneasy look. "Uh...it's not that simple, Ahmed. There's a little problem. You see, remember what you were told about the 72 maidens in a lush oasis?"

"Yes."

"Well...perhaps I should show you."

And with that, Bub led Ahmed to a cliff that overlooked a huge pit, larger than a valley, where his eyes were greeted by a nightmare. Within the pit were a countless number of men, dressed like him, fighting each other in a massive orgy of violence, all knee high in a lake of watery human waste.

"This is madness!" Ahmed exclaimed. "What is going on here?! Oh, the stink is offensive!"

"These are your fellow jihadists," Bub explained. "Men of God who had died with honor defending their faith from those who seek to destroy it."

"But they are destroying each other! Why are they fighting?!"

"For the 72 maidens in the lush oasis."

Ahmed gave the old man a grave look. "But Firdaws is endless. Surely there is plenty of room for all."

"But what about the maidens?"

"Surely Allah has 72 maidens for each of us."

Bub removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You don't get it, do you. There are only 72 maidens. Look, bottom line: Only one of you can enter that door. Not two of you. Not ten. ONE! If you have a problem with that, take it up with Allah."

"But there must be a way to settle this!"

"There is," answered the old man. "Somewhere in that lake of human waste is the key to the door to Jannah. All you have to do is find it then you can claim your eternal reward."

"Is that all I need to do?" Ahmed said with a smile. "Well, it is so simple. I will just simply explain the truth to my brothers. They shall realize that I should have the key since I gave my life defending Allah and our faith. I mean, I took a dildo up my rectal area. Surely they will see the light."

"Oh, I'm sure they will."

And with that, Ahmed blew a loud whistle, which gained the attention of his brothers. All stopped fighting and looked upon the new comer. "Salutations, my brothers. I am Ahmed the Great! And I..."

"Hey!" Interrupted one of his audience. "There is like a couple of million Ahmeds in here!"

"Uh...yes. Well, I have died in the name of Allah, taking 50 infidels with me. So I am here to claim my reward so if any of you can kindly help me find the key to Jannah, I shall get what is coming to me."

"No!" shouted one of his listeners. "I claim the key to Jannah! I too have martyred myself in the name of Allah! Jannah is mine!"

"No! It is mine!" yelled yet another. "I fire bombed a girl school and sold the survivors into slavery!"

The men in the pit started arguing among themselves. "Brothers! Brothers! Please!" Ahmed called. "There is no need to fight! I just settled this. Now, help me find the key!"

"Ah go screw yourself!" returned one of the men in the pit.

"That is why I want the 72 maidens, so I do not have to do that anymore. Look! I took a dildo over-stuffed with explosives up my rectal area for Allah!"

"Oh, that is so homoerotic!"

"Yeah! You should be put to death!"

"Uh...I am already dead...but that is beside the point. My oblation earns me the right to paradise!"

"NO! IT IS MINE!"

"NO! MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

And with that, the fighting began again. And as Ahmed's fellow jihadists tore into each other in the filth, our hero stood dumbfounded. "Why will they not listen to simple logic?" he mused sadly.

"Like you, they are jihadists," explained Bub. "They all died in the war against the west. Like you, they all believe they deserve to enter Jannah."

"NO!" Ahmed yelled angrily to his brothers, who were too busy killing each other to hear his words or even care. "I took a dildo up my rectal area and walked ten blocks with it clogging my insides! You all may be martyrs, but none of you had the resolve I did to endure that!"

But the only response to Ahmed's words was a face full of fecal matter. This angered Ahmed, so much so that he grabbed his turban and threw it to the ground. "INFIDELS! CAMEL HUMPERS! JEWS LOVERS! I DO NOT CARE IF IT TAKES ME ALL OF ETERNITY! BY MY FATHER'S NOSE HAIRS I WILL WIN THAT ALLAH CURSED KEY EVEN IF I HAVE TO KILL YOU ALL!"

And with the battle cry of "ALLAH ACKBAR!", Ahmed jumped from the cliff and into the sea of chaos and human waste, punching, kicking, scratching, biting, so on and so forth, as the same was done to him.

Picking up the turban, Beelzebub dusted it off and placed it upon his head. "They always say the same thing," he said to himself, smiling. "But I'm sure he'll have a hell of a time here. Pity that there's really no key..."

***
The morale of this story: If you believe that the path to heaven must be splashed with the blood of the innocent (according to a book written by illiterates in the Bronze Age Middle East), regardless of your faith, or if you believe that no one is innocent because humanity is guilty of the original sin, you're not one of the faithful, you're an misanthropic sociopath. You deserve to wallow in your own faith and have your religion stuffed up your ass.

BAH! HUMBUG!

From Todshi