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Description
                                 SHE PLUMPS WHEN YOU COOK HER

                                    ICHI: OUT OF THE FRYING PAN...

                                  copywrite 1995, 2005todd Shields.

Meanwhile, back in the wastelands...

"Well, at least I still have my sword!" Akai thought aloud as she limped down the road, using her katana as a crutch. As Nimrod deduced, she did psych, but she didn't land the way she had intended, spraining her ankle. "That's right, break your bloody leg, you silly fat cow. Now you're really up Shit Creek. No wheels. No supplies. No stupid, bloody sleeping bag. Shit! Shit! Shit!"

She stopped and leaned against a large rock to rest a moment. "It'll be dark soon.  Less than an hour of sunlight left. Reckon I better find a cave or something to sleep in for the night."

                                                              ***

After limping for about 40 minutes, Akai came upon another township. This one, however, was in even worse shape than the last. The only inhabitable looking building was a large brick structure in a cemetery on the town's outskirts.

"Shelter!" Akai exclaimed with joy as she limped up to the building. "The front door's wide open. I guess whoever lives here went walkies. Well, they're about to have a little company for the night. I should be safe for awhile."

But Akai wouldn't think so, or even enter, if she could see the sign hidden behind the opened door: DAS TIBERIAN KIRCHE AU VON CALIGULA, Inc.

As she limped down a corridor, Akai began to get the creeps. All she could see on the walls were niches, empty except for cobwebs and dust. "Oy, whoever lives here sure is a lousy housekeeper."  She came upon a door at then end of the corridor.  It was half opened, a dim light coming from within. "Might as well check it out. Maybe I'll find something to lay on."

Upon entering, she found a long conveyer belt in the center of the room. "It's one of Granny's," she said, noting the Gloria Konvayerbelt logo. "Maybe that's a good sign." Then she looked up and saw what else was in the room. At one end of the belt was a podium, adorned with a caligi and flanked by two vases, each filled with white roses.  But at the other end was a large wall painting of Caligula's face, with a metal door inside its opened mouth. "Oh shit! This is a bloody Caligulite church!"

Okami had told Akai about the Caligulites and their church. One of its purposes was to offer a monthly sacrifice unto Caesar, children. But sometimes, the congregation didn't wait for their time of the month to offer their lustrations.  "Well this is another fine mess you gotten your yourself into, Stanley. You're in big, frigging..."

"Trouble," Added a voice coming from the doorway. Akai turned and saw a dark figure.  He was wearing the robes of a Caligulite priest, along with dark sunglasses and a green, rotted, toothy grin.

"Welcome, my child," he greeted in a sinisterly pleasant tone, "to the Tiberian Church of Caligula, incorporated. I am the head priest and pathological pervert, Brother Mary. And you are?"

"Leaving," Akai sneered.

"Leavin?" Asked Brother Mary. "Now that's an odd name. You must be Jewish. But don't worry, we don't discriminate against race, religion or creed. We're equal opportunity pagans."

As the priest snapped his fingers, other dark figures emerge from around the room, as if they were coming out of the walls. And as they surrounded the young bushi, Brother Mary stepped over to the podium.  "I would like to welcome everyone to tonight's services," he said, beaming a wicked smile to Akai, "and a special warm welcome to our guest, Miss Leavin."

Akai's gift of gab has failed against the viker and Nimrod, and she didn't think it would do her much good in this situation either. But what the hell? "Gee whiz guys, if I stumbled into the middle of your church meeting, I'll be more than happy to leave. I..."

People simply just won't let this girl finish a sentence.

"Why, we wouldn't think of it, my child," Said Brother Mary.

"We love company," said one of the congregation.

"Yeah, they really warm things up," said another.

Upon hearing that, Akai desheathed her sword. Though she had the advantage of a weapon, her injured ankle was her Achilles' heel. The ceiling was too low for a psych, so she would have to pass through the gauntlet of psychos. With a cold fury in her narrowed eyes, she glared at the first Caligulite who confronted her. "Little pig, little pig, let me pass," she challenged.

"Not by the hair of my hairy fat ass," he responded.

"Whatever," Akai said as she sliced into his chest. Noting her determination, Brother Mary bravely directed the attack from behind the podium.

"Take her alive, girls! Victims are too hard to find!"

"That's just what I like," Akai said as she sliced through another one of the faithful.  "Someone who has..." she decapitates two more with one stroke of her sword, "...my best interest..." she stabs a fourth in the chest, "...at heart!"

"Come on! Get her you fools!" The priest yelled. "There's only one of her and six..." Another Caligulite drops dead at his feet, "...five of you! Rush her!"

"I'll teach you to mess with a poor..." she cut through another Caligulite, "...defenseless..." she decapitates another one, "...little girl!"

"Poor, defenseless, little girl my ass!" A ninth Caligulite yelled on his death throes.

Only a few more steps and Akai was out of this jam. She was now holding the last two Caligulites and their leader at bay with her sword. Her back was to the door, Akai was ready to limp away to freedom. "Sorry girls, I ain't no sacrificial lamb. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my merry..."

Then, something hard smashed into the back of her head. Cross-eyed, Akai fell into unconsciousness.  "Oh my," chuckled the Caligulite who was standing at the door, holding a broken club, "looks like the poor dear's out cold."

"Out cold, eh?" Replied Brother Mary as he knelt beside her, gently crossing her arms across her chest, as a mortician would to a dearly departed. "let's warm her up."

Description
                                 SHE PLUMPS WHEN YOU COOK HER

                                    ICHI: OUT OF THE FRYING PAN...

                                  copywrite 1995, 2005todd Shields.

Meanwhile, back in the wastelands...

"Well, at least I still have my sword!" Akai thought aloud as she limped down the road, using her katana as a crutch. As Nimrod deduced, she did psych, but she didn't land the way she had intended, spraining her ankle. "That's right, break your bloody leg, you silly fat cow. Now you're really up Shit Creek. No wheels. No supplies. No stupid, bloody sleeping bag. Shit! Shit! Shit!"

She stopped and leaned against a large rock to rest a moment. "It'll be dark soon.  Less than an hour of sunlight left. Reckon I better find a cave or something to sleep in for the night."

                                                              ***

After limping for about 40 minutes, Akai came upon another township. This one, however, was in even worse shape than the last. The only inhabitable looking building was a large brick structure in a cemetery on the town's outskirts.

"Shelter!" Akai exclaimed with joy as she limped up to the building. "The front door's wide open. I guess whoever lives here went walkies. Well, they're about to have a little company for the night. I should be safe for awhile."

But Akai wouldn't think so, or even enter, if she could see the sign hidden behind the opened door: DAS TIBERIAN KIRCHE AU VON CALIGULA, Inc.

As she limped down a corridor, Akai began to get the creeps. All she could see on the walls were niches, empty except for cobwebs and dust. "Oy, whoever lives here sure is a lousy housekeeper."  She came upon a door at then end of the corridor.  It was half opened, a dim light coming from within. "Might as well check it out. Maybe I'll find something to lay on."

Upon entering, she found a long conveyer belt in the center of the room. "It's one of Granny's," she said, noting the Gloria Konvayerbelt logo. "Maybe that's a good sign." Then she looked up and saw what else was in the room. At one end of the belt was a podium, adorned with a caligi and flanked by two vases, each filled with white roses.  But at the other end was a large wall painting of Caligula's face, with a metal door inside its opened mouth. "Oh shit! This is a bloody Caligulite church!"

Okami had told Akai about the Caligulites and their church. One of its purposes was to offer a monthly sacrifice unto Caesar, children. But sometimes, the congregation didn't wait for their time of the month to offer their lustrations.  "Well this is another fine mess you gotten your yourself into, Stanley. You're in big, frigging..."

"Trouble," Added a voice coming from the doorway. Akai turned and saw a dark figure.  He was wearing the robes of a Caligulite priest, along with dark sunglasses and a green, rotted, toothy grin.

"Welcome, my child," he greeted in a sinisterly pleasant tone, "to the Tiberian Church of Caligula, incorporated. I am the head priest and pathological pervert, Brother Mary. And you are?"

"Leaving," Akai sneered.

"Leavin?" Asked Brother Mary. "Now that's an odd name. You must be Jewish. But don't worry, we don't discriminate against race, religion or creed. We're equal opportunity pagans."

As the priest snapped his fingers, other dark figures emerge from around the room, as if they were coming out of the walls. And as they surrounded the young bushi, Brother Mary stepped over to the podium.  "I would like to welcome everyone to tonight's services," he said, beaming a wicked smile to Akai, "and a special warm welcome to our guest, Miss Leavin."

Akai's gift of gab has failed against the viker and Nimrod, and she didn't think it would do her much good in this situation either. But what the hell? "Gee whiz guys, if I stumbled into the middle of your church meeting, I'll be more than happy to leave. I..."

People simply just won't let this girl finish a sentence.

"Why, we wouldn't think of it, my child," Said Brother Mary.

"We love company," said one of the congregation.

"Yeah, they really warm things up," said another.

Upon hearing that, Akai desheathed her sword. Though she had the advantage of a weapon, her injured ankle was her Achilles' heel. The ceiling was too low for a psych, so she would have to pass through the gauntlet of psychos. With a cold fury in her narrowed eyes, she glared at the first Caligulite who confronted her. "Little pig, little pig, let me pass," she challenged.

"Not by the hair of my hairy fat ass," he responded.

"Whatever," Akai said as she sliced into his chest. Noting her determination, Brother Mary bravely directed the attack from behind the podium.

"Take her alive, girls! Victims are too hard to find!"

"That's just what I like," Akai said as she sliced through another one of the faithful.  "Someone who has..." she decapitates two more with one stroke of her sword, "...my best interest..." she stabs a fourth in the chest, "...at heart!"

"Come on! Get her you fools!" The priest yelled. "There's only one of her and six..." Another Caligulite drops dead at his feet, "...five of you! Rush her!"

"I'll teach you to mess with a poor..." she cut through another Caligulite, "...defenseless..." she decapitates another one, "...little girl!"

"Poor, defenseless, little girl my ass!" A ninth Caligulite yelled on his death throes.

Only a few more steps and Akai was out of this jam. She was now holding the last two Caligulites and their leader at bay with her sword. Her back was to the door, Akai was ready to limp away to freedom. "Sorry girls, I ain't no sacrificial lamb. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my merry..."

Then, something hard smashed into the back of her head. Cross-eyed, Akai fell into unconsciousness.  "Oh my," chuckled the Caligulite who was standing at the door, holding a broken club, "looks like the poor dear's out cold."

"Out cold, eh?" Replied Brother Mary as he knelt beside her, gently crossing her arms across her chest, as a mortician would to a dearly departed. "let's warm her up."