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Description
                                   SHE PLUMPS WHEN YOU COOK HER

                                            NI:...AND INTO THE FIRE!

                                    copywrite 1995, 2005todd Shields.

Akai wasn't feeling too good as she regained consciousness.

She felt like a drunk after an all night drinking binge. Her vision was blurry and her head felt as if it was about to explode. "Wonder...how long...I've been..." As her mind cleared, she found that she couldn't move her arms or legs, as if something was pinning her down. Tilting her head forward, she found that her neck, wrists and ankles were gyved to a long tray that was sitting on the conveyer belt.

"Oh goodie! You're awake!" Cooed a familiar voice. Akai looked up and saw Brother Mary, along with the remaining congregation.  "Did you have a good nappiewap, Miss Leavin?" He asked, leaning in her face.

"Don't you use mouthwash?" She cringed. "Your breath smells like an unflushed lavy!"

"You've been a naughty little girl," said the priest. "You killed nine of my little friends. Now, we have to recruit replacements. Do you know how hard it is to recruit new meat?"

"My heart bleeds for you."

"Any more cracks like that and it will, literally. I mean, you killed Brother Nilsen!  He was a great cook. You should have tasted his quiche, it was so yummie!"

The four Caligulites bowed their heads in mourning. No more of Brother Nilsen's quiche.

"I bet he cleaned the lavy pretty good, too," Akai said, waxing sarcastic.

"How did you know that?" Asked Brother Mary, blind to her sarcasm. "Did you peek in the little boy's room? Shame on you!"

The priest then snapped his fingers and held out his hand, to which one of the faithful handed him Akai's sword. "My my my, what a beautiful sword," he said, desheathing the blade. "It'll make a wonderful birthday present for Caesar, don't you think?"

"Put that down!" She demanded. "You ain't fit to touch it!"

This outburst made the Caligulites laugh. Here she was, shouting orders, and yet she was in no position to do so. Brother Mary began swinging the sword around, like a child playing with a stick. "Hey asshole! Didn't you hear me?! Put it down!"

Upon hearing that, the priest swung the blade down towards her head, stopping about an inch from her. Akai didn't even flinch. She glared at her tormentor, who saw no fear in her eyes. "Oh my," he lamented. "You're not going to be a fun sacrifice. You're not scared."

This was a disappointing revelation to the congregation.

"Oh, you're no bloody fun!" whined one of the faithful.

"Party pooper!" accused another.

"The least you could do is look scared," said the third.

"I'm a bushi," Akai returned boldly. "I'll die with honor."

"Oh God, what a dip," retorted Brother Mary.

"And speaking of dips," Akai said, "I guess you're gonna use my own sword to sacrifice me to that pervert? Just carve me up like a Christmas goose and do God knows what with the giblets."

"Oh no, of course not," countered Brother Mary with a hint of surprise. "Why would we do that? All that blood and guts, yuck! No, my dear, we have a cleaner way of dealing with pests like you." He sheathed the sword and placed it next to the podium as he looked to one of the faithful. "What time is it, Susie?"

"11:44," Susie returned. "Shall I light your fire?"

"By all means," answered Brother Mary, "fire it up."

Brother Susie walked over to the metal door and turned a value beside it. First, there were hissing sounds coming from behind it, followed by a muffled igniting noise. Brother Mary again bent over into Akai's face, smiling. "Brother Nilsen wasn't the only cook around here, for you see my dear, before we claimed this building as a church, it was used by the local yokels...as a crematorium."

Upon hearing that, Akai struggled to free herself, but it was to no avail. In her current weakened state, she couldn't break the shackles that held her to the tray.  "Now you're looking scared, that's much better," Brother Mary said with delight. "When the furnace reaches 4000 degrees, your goose is cooked."

"Heh heh Fire! Fire! Fire!" Yelled one of the Caligulites, his fist thrusted into the air.

"Hot chicks are cool, huh huh, huh huh," added another.

"Ah, look girls," Akai said with a nervous smile, "I ain't got nothing against pagan religious practices, so I'll tell you what. Why don't you let me go now, and I'll leave you my remains in my will, okay?"

"Oh, I'm afraid that simply wouldn't do, my dear," the priest returned. "We haven't had a jolly good sacrifice in a long time. And we must express our love for Caesar, via hideous torture and murder, or he'll shut us down and make us join the VD or something ugly like that."

"And do you really think we would trust you, you bitch?" asked Brother Susie.

"You'd leave your body to some other pagan sect," whined another one of the faithful. "Wouldn't you, you skank!"

"You got me there, girls. I thought if you were stupid enough to follow Caligula, you'd be stupid enough to believe me."

"Well were not," Brother Mary huffed.  "We've been digging up graves and burning corpses, or catching whores from the next town. But we prefer a fresher oblation, one that is full of vigor and youth, worthy of Caesar.

"Our usual policy is to put our sacrificial lambs out of their misery before we send them on their final journey," Brother Mary beamed wickedly at Akai, "but in your case, my dear, we love to make an exception."

And as the Caligulites laughed hysterically, Akai began to talk to God mentally.

"So this is my destiny, barbecued alive in a corny B movie clich`e. And I thought that death would be cold. Look, I know I haven't been one of your biggest supporters, but I have one last favor to ask you, Kami no Seishin: Save Feli. She deserves better than to suffer at Caligula's filthy hands and you know it. Please, let me know what your answer is before I get my buns warmed. Send me a sign."

As the Caligulites ceased their laughter, Brother Mary got back into Akai's face, smothering her in the foul odor that is his mouth. "Before you burn in Hell, you'll burn up here as well!"

"And you will burn in Hell before she does," stated an organ-like voice.

All eyes turned towards the source of the voice and saw a dark figure standing at the door. "Oh no, it's Nimrod!" the four Caligulites yelled in monotonous unison.

"Were you expecting Dudley Doright?" He remarked.

Akai smiled as she saw her hero, but then she remembered that her hero also wanted her dead too. "Hey, this ain't the sign I had in mind!" She yelled up to God.

"What are you babbling about?" Inquired Brother Mary.

"Stuff it, buzzkill!" She snarled before turning to the Dark One. "Nimmie! You gotta listen..."

"That is Nimrod," he interrupted.

"Whatever. Nimrod! You gotta listen..."

"Silence! I will deal with you later, for now I have other swine to eradicate."

Description
                                   SHE PLUMPS WHEN YOU COOK HER

                                            NI:...AND INTO THE FIRE!

                                    copywrite 1995, 2005todd Shields.

Akai wasn't feeling too good as she regained consciousness.

She felt like a drunk after an all night drinking binge. Her vision was blurry and her head felt as if it was about to explode. "Wonder...how long...I've been..." As her mind cleared, she found that she couldn't move her arms or legs, as if something was pinning her down. Tilting her head forward, she found that her neck, wrists and ankles were gyved to a long tray that was sitting on the conveyer belt.

"Oh goodie! You're awake!" Cooed a familiar voice. Akai looked up and saw Brother Mary, along with the remaining congregation.  "Did you have a good nappiewap, Miss Leavin?" He asked, leaning in her face.

"Don't you use mouthwash?" She cringed. "Your breath smells like an unflushed lavy!"

"You've been a naughty little girl," said the priest. "You killed nine of my little friends. Now, we have to recruit replacements. Do you know how hard it is to recruit new meat?"

"My heart bleeds for you."

"Any more cracks like that and it will, literally. I mean, you killed Brother Nilsen!  He was a great cook. You should have tasted his quiche, it was so yummie!"

The four Caligulites bowed their heads in mourning. No more of Brother Nilsen's quiche.

"I bet he cleaned the lavy pretty good, too," Akai said, waxing sarcastic.

"How did you know that?" Asked Brother Mary, blind to her sarcasm. "Did you peek in the little boy's room? Shame on you!"

The priest then snapped his fingers and held out his hand, to which one of the faithful handed him Akai's sword. "My my my, what a beautiful sword," he said, desheathing the blade. "It'll make a wonderful birthday present for Caesar, don't you think?"

"Put that down!" She demanded. "You ain't fit to touch it!"

This outburst made the Caligulites laugh. Here she was, shouting orders, and yet she was in no position to do so. Brother Mary began swinging the sword around, like a child playing with a stick. "Hey asshole! Didn't you hear me?! Put it down!"

Upon hearing that, the priest swung the blade down towards her head, stopping about an inch from her. Akai didn't even flinch. She glared at her tormentor, who saw no fear in her eyes. "Oh my," he lamented. "You're not going to be a fun sacrifice. You're not scared."

This was a disappointing revelation to the congregation.

"Oh, you're no bloody fun!" whined one of the faithful.

"Party pooper!" accused another.

"The least you could do is look scared," said the third.

"I'm a bushi," Akai returned boldly. "I'll die with honor."

"Oh God, what a dip," retorted Brother Mary.

"And speaking of dips," Akai said, "I guess you're gonna use my own sword to sacrifice me to that pervert? Just carve me up like a Christmas goose and do God knows what with the giblets."

"Oh no, of course not," countered Brother Mary with a hint of surprise. "Why would we do that? All that blood and guts, yuck! No, my dear, we have a cleaner way of dealing with pests like you." He sheathed the sword and placed it next to the podium as he looked to one of the faithful. "What time is it, Susie?"

"11:44," Susie returned. "Shall I light your fire?"

"By all means," answered Brother Mary, "fire it up."

Brother Susie walked over to the metal door and turned a value beside it. First, there were hissing sounds coming from behind it, followed by a muffled igniting noise. Brother Mary again bent over into Akai's face, smiling. "Brother Nilsen wasn't the only cook around here, for you see my dear, before we claimed this building as a church, it was used by the local yokels...as a crematorium."

Upon hearing that, Akai struggled to free herself, but it was to no avail. In her current weakened state, she couldn't break the shackles that held her to the tray.  "Now you're looking scared, that's much better," Brother Mary said with delight. "When the furnace reaches 4000 degrees, your goose is cooked."

"Heh heh Fire! Fire! Fire!" Yelled one of the Caligulites, his fist thrusted into the air.

"Hot chicks are cool, huh huh, huh huh," added another.

"Ah, look girls," Akai said with a nervous smile, "I ain't got nothing against pagan religious practices, so I'll tell you what. Why don't you let me go now, and I'll leave you my remains in my will, okay?"

"Oh, I'm afraid that simply wouldn't do, my dear," the priest returned. "We haven't had a jolly good sacrifice in a long time. And we must express our love for Caesar, via hideous torture and murder, or he'll shut us down and make us join the VD or something ugly like that."

"And do you really think we would trust you, you bitch?" asked Brother Susie.

"You'd leave your body to some other pagan sect," whined another one of the faithful. "Wouldn't you, you skank!"

"You got me there, girls. I thought if you were stupid enough to follow Caligula, you'd be stupid enough to believe me."

"Well were not," Brother Mary huffed.  "We've been digging up graves and burning corpses, or catching whores from the next town. But we prefer a fresher oblation, one that is full of vigor and youth, worthy of Caesar.

"Our usual policy is to put our sacrificial lambs out of their misery before we send them on their final journey," Brother Mary beamed wickedly at Akai, "but in your case, my dear, we love to make an exception."

And as the Caligulites laughed hysterically, Akai began to talk to God mentally.

"So this is my destiny, barbecued alive in a corny B movie clich`e. And I thought that death would be cold. Look, I know I haven't been one of your biggest supporters, but I have one last favor to ask you, Kami no Seishin: Save Feli. She deserves better than to suffer at Caligula's filthy hands and you know it. Please, let me know what your answer is before I get my buns warmed. Send me a sign."

As the Caligulites ceased their laughter, Brother Mary got back into Akai's face, smothering her in the foul odor that is his mouth. "Before you burn in Hell, you'll burn up here as well!"

"And you will burn in Hell before she does," stated an organ-like voice.

All eyes turned towards the source of the voice and saw a dark figure standing at the door. "Oh no, it's Nimrod!" the four Caligulites yelled in monotonous unison.

"Were you expecting Dudley Doright?" He remarked.

Akai smiled as she saw her hero, but then she remembered that her hero also wanted her dead too. "Hey, this ain't the sign I had in mind!" She yelled up to God.

"What are you babbling about?" Inquired Brother Mary.

"Stuff it, buzzkill!" She snarled before turning to the Dark One. "Nimmie! You gotta listen..."

"That is Nimrod," he interrupted.

"Whatever. Nimrod! You gotta listen..."

"Silence! I will deal with you later, for now I have other swine to eradicate."