DoobMah [2009-05-31 03:21:13 +0000 UTC]
Cute story! Here's what I gathered:
Good start! You seem to know more or less where you're taking this story, not getting too bogged down in any tangential material.
The first thing I recommend is to reread over this a bit more carefully. There are a sprinkling of grammatical errors I think you'd correct easily if you did a bit of rereading.
You did a good job characterizing Kina, just be careful not to bog down the story in description of her. Much of your first three paragraphs served mostly to give the reader a stronger sense of Kina's personality, but this is a bit much, considering the story is only 8 paragraphs long.
On that note, stay mindful to keep a good balance of story elements. Don't let plot or characterization become too overpowering. Characterization of the main character that doesn't also push the story directly forward could bore the reader in substantial amounts.
Overall, a good job. Keeping in mind to reread and not over-characterize, I think the next will be excellent!
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