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UnforgivenRose — Name
by-nd
Published: 2010-01-11 13:21:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 1285; Favourites: 28; Downloads: 3
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Description
if this town weren't so busyi'd stand on the rooftop of
the tallest tower,
and as the clock strikes
twelve, chiming each hour,
i'd shout your name,
scream your name
until my lungs run dry.
but then the chiming would
end, and i would climb
back down and
cry my heart out,
your name barely escaping my lips
in whispers between each tear.
that's what i'd do.
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Comments: 34
Beautiful. Leave it as it is. The repitition just makes it better :]
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i might change it to
i'd shout your name,
scream for you
until my lungs run dry
but it's perfectly fine the way it is.
however, i think 'ran dry' would work better than 'run dry'.
but i am a huge fan of this, mostly because of how much emotion you managed to cram in this little scene; self doubt, longing, anger, sadness, hope and so much more!
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"I'd shout your name
Scream it aloud"
That's what I'd do.
I did like this though.
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I wouldn't change it, either. It seems to make sense like that... although I'd consider changing the title, yes. Something like "True When No One Listens", something like that. "Name" seems poor, somewhat...
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hmm, okay. a lot of people have told me it's good how it is, so i think i might keep it the same, unless you have some really good suggestions. i usually have my titles simple, or a quote of a certain line.
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Mmm I wouldn't be able to suggest anything, mostly because literature is much personal, and connected to the writer's feelings. I just thought that "name" feels a bit poor... but it's tastes, maybe.
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I think the repetition of the word "name" helps to reinforce the fact that you're screaming it. And that you're hurt inside.
I wouldn't change it.
Nicely done <3
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okay sweet! i'll leave it as it is then
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I agree with Jez123. The repetition of name makes it more dramatic, somehow.
The title's fine, but "run dry" might work better as "ran dry."
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i don't really mind. if you were really concerned about the repetition you might say something like...
i'd shout your name,
scream it until my lungs run dry
but it's definitely fine the way it is.
the title's good; it feels more direct without anything in front of it.
good poem
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i like the repetition of "name"
I think it causes the piece to flow better
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this is nice, I don't think there's any problem with the repetition of the word 'name', it's just sort of like... stating that you're shouting, but then saying it's more than that, you're screaming. it works.
as for the title, it seems fine to me, except maybe you could have 'name' in lower case, because that way it would match the style of the poem yeah?
good work
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hmm, maybe. i do like to have titles in lowercase, but it'd be a huge switch, since my 50 or so poems' names are all in proper capitalization. i'll try it though; thanks for the suggestion!
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love the concept. 
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awesome!! that's really one of the angles i was going for! glad to know it showed through.
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I loved it...and so relateable too! 
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The passage you're worried about, could possibly be phrased differently - I won't say better. But I wouldn't be too concerned about it, it's not a big sore thumb or anything.
I enjoyed reading this.
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okay thanks! i think i'll just leave it be. =]
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