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vampire1317 — The Clouds
Published: 2008-08-25 03:26:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 279; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 2
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Description
The cloudsAll I hear is the feet on the ground
The man that shouts orders to flank them and win
The guns and the shouts, the forest of sound
To the free floating clouds away from the sin
Looking down and seeing just
I pass a soldier, his angel reaching hand
To find that poor soul who is on his last breath
As the solder joins the clouds away from the land
The explosions start where I am bound
The clouds are far away from the new din
The plane that flew with the clouds is now downed
The smoke that covers the death of our kin
The sound of a rifle that I can not see
I look at the clouds as they reach for me
As I join them the meaning is too clear
To be like the clouds just make your life dear
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Comments: 16
first time ive got really engrossed in a poem for a while! the imagery at the start was awesome, you contrasted the world of the clouds with the battlefield beautifully.
wasn't so clear on where it went from there though, it's a little hard to understand.
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it was one of my first poems, no surprise
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I like the concept of this, but the structure could perhaps be tightened.
For instance, you say,
"Looking down and seeing just"
and it ends there. It feels like an unfinished musical cadence, and I was expecting more but it just wasn't there. This made the poem feel a bit disjointed and halted the flow.
Following this, you have,
"I pass a solider, his angel reaching hand
To find that poor soul who is on his last breath"
I find,
"his angel reaching hand"
slightly awkward a phrase. Perhaps something such as "angel-seeking" would work better? Yet when taken into consideration with the next line,
it seems to not gel quite correctly, so maybe you could change the formation, so it would be,
"I pass a soldier, his angelic hands reaching
To find that poor soul on his last breath".
I'm sorry for just barging in like this and rambling on, but there is quite a strong emotion and good imagery here, and tiny things like this can prevent a poem for being as good as it could be.
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just is the shortened word for justice, no no thank you!
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You're very welcome. I'm always available for critique if you feel as though a certain piece needs some. Just drop me a line!
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have you read all of my crap?
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Haha not yet! Any in particular you'd advise?
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all of my poems have feel to them but i'd be really happy if you peeked at "of the night"
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What's with the evil eye? I have exams!
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you never hear anybody say that any more
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That's why I love it.
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