Comments: 405
VictusNex [2010-01-18 09:57:02 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Wonderful job!!
Content: First of all, the story is original, and inspiring. Not many people stick up for... well... fat rights. It's a hard subject to stand for. On one hand, bad food is ruining health. On the other hand, we can't take away peoples' natural rights. For this, I commend you.
Furthermore, you accomplished an important, sensitive topic while remaining interesting. By using wit, humor, and dramatic elements, you've addressed this topic in an appropriate and effective manner.
Style: After reading it twice, I see no grammar mistakes. If they're there, they're small. Again, I'm forced to give you more commendations. I don't tend to write stories myself, and I rant. Unfortunately, this leads to poor grammar. Ahem... I should repair that sometime. Heh.
Diction and Syntax: Your words are varied, wide, and simple. All of which, are wonderful things. You've carefully avoided making sentences overly complex, while retaining an intelligent level of vocabulary.
Overall: The only real criticism is that you need to make more. Mainly due to someone (me) wanting to read more. The story is colorful, and your writing is easily bearable. I'd love to see more.
Sincerely,
Victus Nex
👍: 2 ⏩: 0
PrimrosePendant [2016-02-21 17:26:24 +0000 UTC]
This is one of the best and most thought-inducing one-shots I have ever read. We were actually talking about portion control in my health class Wednesday, and we're talking about the battle between the processed food industry and any restrictions the government tries to place. This is a great example of the worst thing the government could do to regulate our calorie intake and eating. Although I'm not a fan of how the industry manipulates the public, I think parental control is a big factor in what children eat. Of course, the changes in school lunches and the growing sizes of portions could be a part of it, but parents can have control over that too! This will stay implanted in my mind. Great work! I especially love the contrast between the common, underweight, nutrient-deprived people, and the fat lobbiests and government officials.
👍: 1 ⏩: 0
grimm-girlie [2015-09-06 08:27:21 +0000 UTC]
I love this
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
glittergirl79 [2015-08-10 22:07:43 +0000 UTC]
I did not intend to read this(I was looking for something else) but I am really happy I did. You write seriously well, and the ugly truth behind an idea to stop obesity made for a great read. I hope you continue! (;
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
thatsfreaky [2015-02-01 11:37:36 +0000 UTC]
this is so good! especially because in the beginning we can't really understand where it is going but it crystalizes perfectly the idea of freedom, challenging our conception of it, loved it
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
thegreatlobotomy [2015-01-06 03:18:55 +0000 UTC]
wow this was fantastic.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nyquil37 [2014-08-01 18:41:04 +0000 UTC]
This is great! Please continue.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Jesstalpaedanplz [2014-01-03 19:12:53 +0000 UTC]
Wow. Just wow. This is amazing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TwentyfootAngels [2013-10-02 02:09:08 +0000 UTC]
Wow. I love the concept! I definitely think you should expand on the whole thing as soon as the inspiration hits you. Subtly dystopian... I like that!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
reedstar [2013-08-07 04:25:27 +0000 UTC]
would you one day consider turning this into a book ? I can almost guarantee that this would make a best selling book within a few days of marketing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
GreyFowl In reply to vital-organs [2013-07-21 00:23:06 +0000 UTC]
I just wanted to say that I haven't been on deviantart in a long time, but I was thinking about this story a couple of days ago. I've been telling friends and customers about this story, and logged on today just to find it. Thought you'd like to know.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wendydewijze In reply to vital-organs [2013-06-24 12:24:44 +0000 UTC]
If I'm still on this site when you do add to it, I'll be thrilled to read it ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
babbayanna [2013-01-08 20:28:34 +0000 UTC]
Kay wow, this is fabulous.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Mescalyn [2012-09-22 17:29:18 +0000 UTC]
Yes, I could see this expanded.
Also I'm really hungry now.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vital-organs In reply to Mescalyn [2012-11-02 16:17:16 +0000 UTC]
Please don't eat your keyboard!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
the-improbable-ive [2012-06-17 01:49:05 +0000 UTC]
Oh my gosh. I...I...
...this is amazing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lightningpelt292 [2012-06-08 05:27:54 +0000 UTC]
That thing in NY with the sodas (though laughable at best) reminds me of this quite vividly... Made me come back and reread it for the umpteenth time. It's rare that a story sticks so stubbornly in my head...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sleepsugar [2012-05-08 16:54:02 +0000 UTC]
What's sad is that come August 1st, the American government will have outlawed bake-sales, and other snack tables at events, in an effort to eliminate childhood obesity. As if that's not the parent's prerogative.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
cathyrox [2012-02-06 06:09:45 +0000 UTC]
After about a year since favoriting this deviation, I still find myself going back to it and rereading it. It's such a great idea, and this piece is really something else. I can't believe I never dropped a comment; but here I am: well done, great read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vital-organs In reply to cathyrox [2012-02-21 16:34:38 +0000 UTC]
These words are unbelievably encouraging. I'm sort of amazed at the idea that someone would remember something I wrote after a period of time and actually go back to reread it. Thank you very much for your kind comment.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
mjmcawesome [2011-11-15 23:06:56 +0000 UTC]
This is so freakin cool.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
IzzAzaNdeRXp [2011-11-15 17:39:52 +0000 UTC]
More please!?!?!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
oviedomedina [2011-09-17 20:58:25 +0000 UTC]
Whoa.
I´d love to see this expanded some day.
Only thing I don´t understand is:
Why does Max wants to starve himself to death? I know its kind of the " impact-in the- last- line" thing but, I don´t get it(maybe I´m kind of slow minded today).
Apart from that, it´s wonderful.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
momokedatchi [2011-07-27 23:38:52 +0000 UTC]
oh....my..... Darwin. this is amazing! its like a novel. its sorta like brave new world but with a different concept.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vital-organs In reply to momokedatchi [2011-07-31 22:36:47 +0000 UTC]
It's a premise, so maybe one day I'll expand upon it to make a novel. Thank you for your kind words. (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
momokedatchi In reply to vital-organs [2011-07-31 23:54:22 +0000 UTC]
ur welcome. and u really shoud read brave new world. its a wonderful book.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wingedinnocence23 [2011-07-18 01:59:56 +0000 UTC]
THAT, my friend, is BRILLIANT.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
CaptainSepia [2011-07-13 16:18:15 +0000 UTC]
This was amazing. I loved it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
aPelican [2011-06-30 07:35:16 +0000 UTC]
Wow, I alays found this "The government will take over our lives" kind of theme horribly frightening. But recently I have begun to appreciate them a lot more. Amazing thought, well set out and well written. And I'd like to say much more but...
1) I'd be ranting
2) I can't think of it all now without sounding cheesy or anything
By the way, how would Mc Donalds still be open if this calory thing has come into play? Wouldn't they go out of business eventually? heh
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Bohemian-Anime-Chick [2011-06-17 04:07:07 +0000 UTC]
1)It's difficult to tell if it would stand better as a short story or an expanded one. It's certainly interesting.
2)Not really, but a little more physical detail might help a bit(e.g: "Now I could see my ribs","the officials' stomachs spilled heavily over their hundred-dollar slacks") The oversized-T-shirts part helps, but more detail wouldn't hurt.
3)^That.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vital-organs In reply to Bohemian-Anime-Chick [2011-06-20 00:30:06 +0000 UTC]
Excellent suggestions. (: Those are all things I'll keep in my mind for an expansion.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SpeculativeJester [2011-06-15 22:57:05 +0000 UTC]
I find this story to be interesting. Are you trying to create a society that expands on the negative outcomes of socialism and communism? I think that's fairly interesting to tell it from the perspective of a teenage girl, but I think you should also try and show some of the more positive sides of "the society" as well- unless you're going for the whole dysotopian society deal. But, this was certainly well-written, but does need expansion.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vital-organs In reply to SpeculativeJester [2011-06-15 23:52:55 +0000 UTC]
I have been thinking along the lines of an expansion for a bit of time, where I would give a better background of the system as well as more aspects.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vital-organs In reply to randompath [2011-05-02 21:32:25 +0000 UTC]
I've been meaning to expand upon the story for a while now. Expect to see something at the beginning of the summer when I'll be more productive. (: And it'd be SUPER cool to have this in manga form provided the story gets credited to me.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
GaaHina-lrvr [2011-04-16 20:17:31 +0000 UTC]
1 Seeing this expanded upon would be a great treat. So yes if you ever find the time.
2 The only problem I had was the fact that businessmen were fat. Are your calories based on your job or something?
3 I'm not a writer, so I feel any suggestions I could give you would be pointless.
Wonderful world and thank you for writing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
kokutan-tenshi [2011-02-20 22:39:10 +0000 UTC]
Isn't this an actual book? It sounds really, really familiar.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
luminita [2011-02-19 01:19:22 +0000 UTC]
Brilliant idea and well written. Thank you for posting!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
LadyJaneDangerous [2011-02-17 23:40:13 +0000 UTC]
1. i would love to read more, expand on everything!
2. no, the picture was very clear, in a sort of scary way, where i could see it happening.
3. clearer? geez, naw. it was great!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
FizziBerry [2011-01-27 01:04:26 +0000 UTC]
beautiful and inspirational, I love that last line "They're going to take away his right to die."
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
y0shin0 [2011-01-13 23:54:38 +0000 UTC]
This is a great piece, It really makes you think about where society is heading. With all of the dispute over these kind of issues it does seem like everybody thinks we should just take free will away from those that can't
'take care of themselves', but then you get into the part where all of the politicians are stuffing their faces. What gives them the right to make their own decisions about eating, and what gives them the right to limit our rights like that?! Well done. I love literature that makes you think.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
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