Comments: 7
SirNaelyan [2006-06-07 00:33:59 +0000 UTC]
"I put my head in my hands and mourned the death of someone I’d met moments earlier, someone I felt like I’d known a very long time, and someone I was sure was a noble human being."
I like it. Chilling, and almost made me cry. Ish.
But I think that last sentence might be a bit too long and consequently lost power. *shrug* Just a thought.
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SSEJBAT [2006-06-06 18:47:40 +0000 UTC]
i think that this piece works well, looking at the ordinary lives of the people against the terrible events of that day. the only thing that i felt wasnt to well explained was why the woman began to think of who lyons might be!
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vix0r In reply to SSEJBAT [2006-06-06 21:58:11 +0000 UTC]
Hmm, I suppose you're right. In my mind, I guess I just figured that perhaps she was trying to shut out the noise of the day, the horror... or maybe she was the type of person who is just constantly thinking about what other people are like. Who knows, but I agree with you that it could use a little more explanation, but I can't think of a place in this piece where I would add even a single word. It's not perfect, I guess, but I've sealed up all the cracks I can see.
Funny sidenote- you refer to the narrator as "she," and I started to as well, but there's no point in the story where the narrator is described at all. I find it interesting because my Creative Writing class tried to determine who had handed it in (we handed the papers in without names and tried to guess the authors), and guessed about 5 or more girls in class before they gave up and asked who wrote it. They were quite surprised I'd written it until I pointed out that there was nothing inherently feminine about the narrator.
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SSEJBAT In reply to vix0r [2006-06-07 09:14:18 +0000 UTC]
ah thats interesting! its like when you said that you thought to start with i was male! maybe its just thats society does not expect men to think like that we are all brought up believing that guys only think about one thing! possibly it was also the willingness to admit the horror of it all i dunno...
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ThornyEnglishRose [2006-06-05 10:38:40 +0000 UTC]
Creative writing classes turn out some really interesting stories with exercises like this. I took one at the end of last year (it ran into January as well) - it was amazing the diversity in the stories we all came up with starting with the same basic instruction (hey, maybe I'll be a copy-cat and post a couple of them here).
Anyway, nice powerful piece - short but effective. The protagonist could be totally off target with the life he's invented for Lyons, but that doesn't matter at all, because the character works on a symbolic level: there were hundreds of people just like that in the buildings. I didn't get where you were going with it, but it hits you as soon as you read about the impact of the plane: you didn't mention location, or a month or a year, but it couldn't be anything else.
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