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Dear D,

I was asked a question today that I actually went ahead and answered. I idly called my life hell and he asked me what I meant by that. So I sent him a list of things that happened to me. It really hurt writing it all down like that but I'm glad I did it. Not only was I writing it down but I was forcing myself to remember it which is good. I was so scared he'd tell me what everyone else said. Not everyone said it, but most people told me that it's nothing worth complaining about and that my life isn't that bad. I admit, I've had a great life with everything good that's happened to me.

But for the first time I was told by a legal adult just how screwed up my life is. I was so sure he was just going to blow it off that I tried to sound nonchalant as if it's just life and it can happen to anyone because it's true. Honestly, I've been told so many times that I complain too much about it. But he didn't agree. The way he commented on each thing I realized just how they screwed me up so completely.

Dav, Nelson, and some of my online friends have commented about how hard it is for me to trust them and talk to them. I didn't really think much of it. I mean, I'd start to talk or I'd start to do something but then stop because I felt terrified and then I would just shut my mouth. With Dav I used to whisper confessions whenever I knew she wasn't paying attention, sleeping, or her music is too loud I would tell her secrets or memories. I trust her more than anyone but I could never bring myself to really say anything.

How the hell am I supposed to talk about anything of consequence when every time I tried I would get shut down or blown off? There was just no point to even trying so I stopped. It's so strange having to have people tell me that what I went through in the past is called abuse. Sure it hurt but abuse is a strong word and is used for people like Jessica and Travis, the ones with real abuse problems. Words? I don't know why I never considered their words to be abuse.

"Are you going to cry now?" Oh I hate that one with a passion! Yeah, okay, fine. It hurts like hell when they insult me and tell me to stop feeling the emotions I do because I have no right to feel them. When being told that I have no right to have the feelings I do or the thoughts and ideas that I have, isn't it okay to be a girl for a moment and cry? I don't cry often dammit and it's not like I'm begging for attention.

I can't show my anger and sadness because of them. I can't show those emotions outside of my room unless we're fighting downstairs. How ridiculous is that?

I'm an extra large bowl of screwed up right now but that's okay. I'm going to sleep tonight and wake up feeling as good as new because this is my past.

I'm going to text Dav. Haven't talked to her about anything worth talking about in a while.

Sincerely,
C.

PS I'm actually getting better, how hilarious is that?

Description
Dear D,

I was asked a question today that I actually went ahead and answered. I idly called my life hell and he asked me what I meant by that. So I sent him a list of things that happened to me. It really hurt writing it all down like that but I'm glad I did it. Not only was I writing it down but I was forcing myself to remember it which is good. I was so scared he'd tell me what everyone else said. Not everyone said it, but most people told me that it's nothing worth complaining about and that my life isn't that bad. I admit, I've had a great life with everything good that's happened to me.

But for the first time I was told by a legal adult just how screwed up my life is. I was so sure he was just going to blow it off that I tried to sound nonchalant as if it's just life and it can happen to anyone because it's true. Honestly, I've been told so many times that I complain too much about it. But he didn't agree. The way he commented on each thing I realized just how they screwed me up so completely.

Dav, Nelson, and some of my online friends have commented about how hard it is for me to trust them and talk to them. I didn't really think much of it. I mean, I'd start to talk or I'd start to do something but then stop because I felt terrified and then I would just shut my mouth. With Dav I used to whisper confessions whenever I knew she wasn't paying attention, sleeping, or her music is too loud I would tell her secrets or memories. I trust her more than anyone but I could never bring myself to really say anything.

How the hell am I supposed to talk about anything of consequence when every time I tried I would get shut down or blown off? There was just no point to even trying so I stopped. It's so strange having to have people tell me that what I went through in the past is called abuse. Sure it hurt but abuse is a strong word and is used for people like Jessica and Travis, the ones with real abuse problems. Words? I don't know why I never considered their words to be abuse.

"Are you going to cry now?" Oh I hate that one with a passion! Yeah, okay, fine. It hurts like hell when they insult me and tell me to stop feeling the emotions I do because I have no right to feel them. When being told that I have no right to have the feelings I do or the thoughts and ideas that I have, isn't it okay to be a girl for a moment and cry? I don't cry often dammit and it's not like I'm begging for attention.

I can't show my anger and sadness because of them. I can't show those emotions outside of my room unless we're fighting downstairs. How ridiculous is that?

I'm an extra large bowl of screwed up right now but that's okay. I'm going to sleep tonight and wake up feeling as good as new because this is my past.

I'm going to text Dav. Haven't talked to her about anything worth talking about in a while.

Sincerely,
C.

PS I'm actually getting better, how hilarious is that?