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Description
This is a tale of my ongoing battle with a rogue magpie. Sure you might think, bah it's just a magpie, what harm can it bring? But this magpie provides horrors one can only dream of, whilst inside a dream, possibly inside another dream...

It all started a while back with this one magpie who decided that it living outdoors is fucking retarded because half the day the weather around this areas has schizophrenic fits and it usually leaves its jacket back in its nest or whatever alleyway cardboard box equivalent of a nest. It would sit by the back doors.... staring intently into my very soul. However, this did not deter my mum, who thought "HEY LETS FEED IT, THATLL BE A GOOD IDEA". It wasn't.

This spurred the magpie on; it began to feel safe, secure, like it could live by its own rules. It new that if it stood by the door someone would probably feed it something much tastier than 4 week old rat carcass (or whatever magpies eat, i presume its this, or human souls). It began to think it was a part of the family, usually spending the day perched on the fence, or just wandering around in the backyard, and moving near it did not terrify it like most birds, instead it just squawked, which i presume is bird for "Oi dickhead! Where's my food?". As I wanted no part in this insanity, I avoided giving into its avian charms, which spurned a hatred for me so intense that this creature of death decided it would act out at every chance it could.

The first incident occurred one sunny day whilst I was outside minding my own business, when suddenly IT APPEARED, i attempted to ignore it, until it started walking towards the open door, i stared at it, awaiting its next move, it stared back wanting to see what i thought when it decided to step claw into my fucking house. I gave it a look that said "Don't you fucking think about it" it ignored this, went a few feet inside and promptly decided this was the perfect place to evacuate its bowels. Instead of being remorseful and apologising and offering to clean it up, it looked at me and squawked, which this time meant "Deal with it, bitch!" before returning back to the outdoors and flying off into the distance whilst flipping me off.

It decided it had had so much fun doing this, that over the next few weeks it repeated this act several times, each time sensing my anger levels rising. It had gone from being a regular magpie to that drunken friend who turns up at terrible times, yells at you, steals all your alcohol/food and then shits on the floor. But it wasn't content with that, was it? Oh no, bored of simply creating a single mess, it had decided that it need to leave a much more lasting impression.

It was around midday, I was in my room, diligently completing work* when suddenly I heard bizarre noises coming from the kitchen. At first I took no notice of it, but then it occurred to me... i was the only person home... there should not be any random noises coming from anywhere. I hesitantly made my way to the kitchen where it became aware to me, that the back door was open. It was then i realised, the magpie was located under the kitchen table (which is right next to the door) It was hunkered in there as though it was a German in 1918. I wasn't going to have this, i yelled at it to get out, it looked at me so to say, 'Fuck you'. I repeated myself a few times before it finally decided to vacate the underside of the table, but not in a civilised manner, good god no, instead it launched itself into the air whilst firing some form of presumably corrosive and instant-death causing mostly liquid substance from its rear end, effectively coating everything near it, It then flew off down the hallway.

With all of this going on, i wasn't sure where the hell it had gone, but as it left a trail of aforementioned liquid, I soon located it, perched on the edge of the bathtub, again staring at me with its soul destroying gaze, it inched closer to a pair of scissors, I'm guessing it was going to pick them up and attempt to stab me to death, instead its claws proved useless at clutching a pair of scissors and they fell into the tub. The resulting thud angered the bird and it flew back into the air and swooped towards me. I managed to narrowly avoid it as it once again escaped my view.

I relocated it sitting on the couch in the lounge room, most likely attempting to watch Days of Our Lives or some other crappy daytime drama that it knew would highly aggravate me, but it couldn't locate the remote. At this point i figured i would make an attempt to get it out of the house, opening all of the doors to its kingdom of the outdoors, i began beckoning it with piece of biscuit, knowing that i could not reason with it, and instead had only to provide it with gifts. It did not like my offering. It made a noise, which i assume was "Don't give me a fucking biscuit, i ordered steak, now prepare me one, human slave". Fuck that, that was my steak, i continued to beckon the creature with biscuits, and i began to think it caved, as it slowly ate piece after piece of biscuit ever nearing the gateway to the outdoors. Suddenly it stopped. It had realised it was a trap! It quickly spun around and flew into the nearby study; presumably to check its emails and use up my all of my monthly downloads obtaining romantic comedy films just to piss me off even more.

At this point, it occurred to me, my efforts at removing this bird were futile. I waved the white flag and retreated. Although the bird eventually strolled out of the house, it knew it had won the battle. Every time i see it now, i can feel its mocking laughter, knowing forever more that it is superior to me.

But alas, dear magpie, you may have won the battle, but i will damn sure win the war, you winged bastard.

Description
This is a tale of my ongoing battle with a rogue magpie. Sure you might think, bah it's just a magpie, what harm can it bring? But this magpie provides horrors one can only dream of, whilst inside a dream, possibly inside another dream...

It all started a while back with this one magpie who decided that it living outdoors is fucking retarded because half the day the weather around this areas has schizophrenic fits and it usually leaves its jacket back in its nest or whatever alleyway cardboard box equivalent of a nest. It would sit by the back doors.... staring intently into my very soul. However, this did not deter my mum, who thought "HEY LETS FEED IT, THATLL BE A GOOD IDEA". It wasn't.

This spurred the magpie on; it began to feel safe, secure, like it could live by its own rules. It new that if it stood by the door someone would probably feed it something much tastier than 4 week old rat carcass (or whatever magpies eat, i presume its this, or human souls). It began to think it was a part of the family, usually spending the day perched on the fence, or just wandering around in the backyard, and moving near it did not terrify it like most birds, instead it just squawked, which i presume is bird for "Oi dickhead! Where's my food?". As I wanted no part in this insanity, I avoided giving into its avian charms, which spurned a hatred for me so intense that this creature of death decided it would act out at every chance it could.

The first incident occurred one sunny day whilst I was outside minding my own business, when suddenly IT APPEARED, i attempted to ignore it, until it started walking towards the open door, i stared at it, awaiting its next move, it stared back wanting to see what i thought when it decided to step claw into my fucking house. I gave it a look that said "Don't you fucking think about it" it ignored this, went a few feet inside and promptly decided this was the perfect place to evacuate its bowels. Instead of being remorseful and apologising and offering to clean it up, it looked at me and squawked, which this time meant "Deal with it, bitch!" before returning back to the outdoors and flying off into the distance whilst flipping me off.

It decided it had had so much fun doing this, that over the next few weeks it repeated this act several times, each time sensing my anger levels rising. It had gone from being a regular magpie to that drunken friend who turns up at terrible times, yells at you, steals all your alcohol/food and then shits on the floor. But it wasn't content with that, was it? Oh no, bored of simply creating a single mess, it had decided that it need to leave a much more lasting impression.

It was around midday, I was in my room, diligently completing work* when suddenly I heard bizarre noises coming from the kitchen. At first I took no notice of it, but then it occurred to me... i was the only person home... there should not be any random noises coming from anywhere. I hesitantly made my way to the kitchen where it became aware to me, that the back door was open. It was then i realised, the magpie was located under the kitchen table (which is right next to the door) It was hunkered in there as though it was a German in 1918. I wasn't going to have this, i yelled at it to get out, it looked at me so to say, 'Fuck you'. I repeated myself a few times before it finally decided to vacate the underside of the table, but not in a civilised manner, good god no, instead it launched itself into the air whilst firing some form of presumably corrosive and instant-death causing mostly liquid substance from its rear end, effectively coating everything near it, It then flew off down the hallway.

With all of this going on, i wasn't sure where the hell it had gone, but as it left a trail of aforementioned liquid, I soon located it, perched on the edge of the bathtub, again staring at me with its soul destroying gaze, it inched closer to a pair of scissors, I'm guessing it was going to pick them up and attempt to stab me to death, instead its claws proved useless at clutching a pair of scissors and they fell into the tub. The resulting thud angered the bird and it flew back into the air and swooped towards me. I managed to narrowly avoid it as it once again escaped my view.

I relocated it sitting on the couch in the lounge room, most likely attempting to watch Days of Our Lives or some other crappy daytime drama that it knew would highly aggravate me, but it couldn't locate the remote. At this point i figured i would make an attempt to get it out of the house, opening all of the doors to its kingdom of the outdoors, i began beckoning it with piece of biscuit, knowing that i could not reason with it, and instead had only to provide it with gifts. It did not like my offering. It made a noise, which i assume was "Don't give me a fucking biscuit, i ordered steak, now prepare me one, human slave". Fuck that, that was my steak, i continued to beckon the creature with biscuits, and i began to think it caved, as it slowly ate piece after piece of biscuit ever nearing the gateway to the outdoors. Suddenly it stopped. It had realised it was a trap! It quickly spun around and flew into the nearby study; presumably to check its emails and use up my all of my monthly downloads obtaining romantic comedy films just to piss me off even more.

At this point, it occurred to me, my efforts at removing this bird were futile. I waved the white flag and retreated. Although the bird eventually strolled out of the house, it knew it had won the battle. Every time i see it now, i can feel its mocking laughter, knowing forever more that it is superior to me.

But alas, dear magpie, you may have won the battle, but i will damn sure win the war, you winged bastard.