Valedhelven [2010-02-05 22:05:40 +0000 UTC]
lol - I like this a lot, but I think maybe you should change a line:"I don't smell well"... I know what you're saying, and I know it's gramatically correct... but it sounds like you are saying that YOU stink - lol! Maybe "I don't smell things very well" or something like that btw, I don't smell well either My poor nose has the hardest time smelling anything at all most of the time Sure takes a lot of the fun out of eating sometimes...
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willowghost In reply to Valedhelven [2010-02-06 05:24:43 +0000 UTC]
thanks for reading my mind and understanding that I'm TRYING not to sound like I don't smell good to other people. Yeah... there's a few things I don't like in this poem. I speak so colloquially it's hard to "spice up" my language in a poetic form. I also am happy I am not the only one who can't smell anything. The last time I REALLY took a good whiff and actually picked up a scent was when I was at a gas station. But I gotta put my feelings somewhere... I'll experiment a bit.
Valedhelven In reply to willowghost [2010-02-08 14:24:12 +0000 UTC]
I think you're doing fine, even without trying to "spice up" your language... Nothing at all wrong with colloquialism, if things just flow that way for you easier (although I think you've got a good grasp on it either way: casual verse or more "formal"...)Ahhh, and don't you just gotta love the smell of gasoline? I do! It sounds gross, but sometimes smelling anything is such a treat, even if it's something like that - lol!
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