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willowghost — 5

Published: 2010-02-05 16:57:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 162; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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Description So I thought today
of all the sounds I heard:
the sweep of your windbreaker as you threw it aside
the jingle of your keys above my head
and the breaths you took.
I remember each one.

I thought today
of all the things I felt:
the ice cold wind that numbed my toes
the warm deep hollow of your neck
and the jerk of our jaws colliding.
it all mixes in.

I thought also
of all the things I saw:
your eyelashes curled down
and the christmas tree jungle gym
naked lamps and soft skin.
But I mostly had my eyes closed.

Despite my lacking sense of smell,
that night I breathed it all!:
the smell of an early snow
the pungent grass and the waxy plastic
and of course, there was you.
You smelled best, I'm sure.

I thought of the taste
Oh! the taste!
fresh mint gum turned bitter with time
your lips were sweet while mine were sour
and your teeth. Yes, your teeth.
None could ever taste the same.
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Comments: 3

Valedhelven [2010-02-05 22:05:40 +0000 UTC]

lol - I like this a lot, but I think maybe you should change a line:

"I don't smell well"... I know what you're saying, and I know it's gramatically correct... but it sounds like you are saying that YOU stink - lol!

Maybe "I don't smell things very well" or something like that

btw, I don't smell well either My poor nose has the hardest time smelling anything at all most of the time Sure takes a lot of the fun out of eating sometimes...

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willowghost In reply to Valedhelven [2010-02-06 05:24:43 +0000 UTC]

thanks for reading my mind and understanding that I'm TRYING not to sound like I don't smell good to other people. Yeah... there's a few things I don't like in this poem. I speak so colloquially it's hard to "spice up" my language in a poetic form.
I also am happy I am not the only one who can't smell anything. The last time I REALLY took a good whiff and actually picked up a scent was when I was at a gas station.
But I gotta put my feelings somewhere...

I'll experiment a bit.

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Valedhelven In reply to willowghost [2010-02-08 14:24:12 +0000 UTC]

I think you're doing fine, even without trying to "spice up" your language... Nothing at all wrong with colloquialism, if things just flow that way for you easier (although I think you've got a good grasp on it either way: casual verse or more "formal"...)


Ahhh, and don't you just gotta love the smell of gasoline? I do! It sounds gross, but sometimes smelling anything is such a treat, even if it's something like that - lol!

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