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XemogothgirlX — Not a Happy Ending
#sadness #fanfictionstory
Published: 2015-03-30 21:09:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 566; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
Elizabeth heaved a heavy sigh as she looked up at her bedroom ceiling with half lidded eyes. She felt irritation bubble up inside her as she stared at those same colors, the ones she saw everyday. They made her sick to her stomach, she hated them, she wanted to see something other then black, white, and gray. She wanted to know what her eye and hair color were, she wanted to know what the world looked like. Pushing herself up into a sitting position she looked around her dull room and heaved another sigh.Standing up, a light shiver ran up her body from her bare feet making contact with the cold wooden floor. Curling her toes she padded over to her dresser and pulled it open seeing nothing but those same colors. Not caring at all, she just threw on a random outfit, one that probably didn't match at all. Looking into her mirror, she grunted in irritation at those dull colors that surrounded her. Turning she left her room and headed down stairs, the stairs creaked under the weight she put on it. "Morning" Elizabeth's mother chirped, Elizabeth slightly envy her mother, due to the older woman being able to see the colors of the world.
"Morning" Elizabeth grunted out as she padded over to the kitchen table and sat down, a frown on her face.
"Sweetheart, are you alright?" Elizabeth's mother asked as she looked at her daughter. Worry filled her as she saw the distressed look on her daughters face. "Is something wrong?" She asked, as her little girl stood up from the table and looked at her.
"Mom...do...do you think I'll ever get to see the colors of the world?" Elizabeth asked, taking her mother by surprise. Sure her daughter had asked her this question many times, but this time the young seventeen year old, almost eighteen, sounded desperate.
"Why of course, honey, you just have to wait, your soul mate will come soon" the older woman said as she gave her daughter a gentle smile while giving her the same answer she always gave her. Elizabeth clenched and unclenched her fist as she heard that same answer, one she knew she'd always get.
"I'm going for a walk" Elizabeth mumbled as she turned and started to head for the front door.
"Oh, alright, just be sure to get home before dark" she heard her mother say before she shut the door all the way. Sighing she started to walk down the sidewalk and head towards the park. Irritation build up inside her as she stared at those same three colors, everything was just so dull and she hated it. Not really paying attention, she soon felt herself ram into another person.
"Sorry" Elizabeth mumbled as she felt her cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Looking up at the person, she was taken a back when her eyes locked onto icy blue ones. She was so focused on those bright blue eyes that she wasn't paying attention to the words of the stranger she had bumped into. Looking around in awe, Elizabeth watched as many colors burst forth. The grass and leaves were both a brilliant green while the sky was a light shade of blue with a blazing yellow sun. She just stared in wonder at the many colors that surrounded her as her breath was caught in her throat. Grabbing a lock of her hair, she stared at it in amazement as she looked at the golden locks in her hand.
"Uh, miss, are you alright?" Elizabeth heard the stranger say, causing her to blink her eyes and look at him. He was quite handsome, having shaggy dark chocolate colored hair and icy blue eyes that shinned in confusion. His skin was pale and perfect that Elizabeth couldn't help as her cheeks started to warm up again. Her heart was pounding a million miles per hour, was this stranger her soul mate? That was the only explanation she had to this sudden burst of color. Smiling widely she looked at the stranger in glee.
"D-do you see i-it?" She stuttered out in excitement.
"See what?" The boy asked, raising an eyebrow as he still looked confused.
"The colors, don't you see them?" Elizabeth asked, her smile faltering a little but still stay as her heart started to twist painfully inside her chest.
"What color?" The boy questioned before shaking his head. "Never mind, I have somewhere to be" he said as he brushed past her and continued to walk on, leaving the blonde behind. Elizabeth's smile completely disappeared as she stood there, even with all these colors the world felt so dull again. Tears pricked the corner of her eyes as she just stood there with a broken look.
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Comments: 5
First, let me say that I love the theme of the piece. I think you did an excellent job capturing the idea of color being tied to love. It often does seem that way - things appear more vibrant and lifelike when we're in love. So I think it's a wonderuflly expressed theme, esspecially since you go about it from the opposite direction. It's very nicely done with that.
There is something I'd like to mention to try to make the piece a bit stronger. I haven't looked at your profile, so I don't know if you're in the US or out, but there is a comma you need to use with your dialogue where the sentence would normally end in a period. An example of what I mean:"Morning" Elizabeth gruntedshould appear as"Morning," Elizabeth grunted(unless you're outside the US, in which case the comma should be outside of the quotations. I only mention it because for many of us, it's distracting and keeps us from fully appreciating the story you're trying to tell.
I do like the length of this tale. Obviously it could be expanded, but I think you did a lovely job keeping it short and relevant so that it's not overdone while still leaving yourself room to expand on it at a later date if you choose.
Thank you very much for sharing this story!
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Thank you and I understand. Sometimes I get a little forgetful to add commas to stuff I post online. Usually when I'm really into the story I write I try to be as accurate as I can with placing the commas and all. I understand that it can be distracting, but the reason I post this stuff online is for a learning experience. You know to know what I need to avoid or change as I get older. You're comment helps me with this as well.
I wish to be an author and I am currently working on a story that if I like it, I might try and get it published. I do know that there should be a comma, but when it comes to one shots or stories I know that I won't mess with that much in the future. I rely on them to be just a learning experience, to see which genre's I'm best at writing. I appreciate that you left a comment and thank you for stating your opinion on the story and pointing out what I needed to add. I'll admit I get a little forgetful when it comes to stories I post online because I become nervous at wondering what others will think of it.
But once again, thank you for your comment, I appreciate it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're most welcome. I'm happy it was of some use to you. I really do like the premise of the story.
There are a couple of groups you might want to check out if you're looking to receive some concrit on your writings: ProjectComment and Prose-N-Cons . Both are geared towards providing constructive commentary for users, and the latter is specifically geared towards writers.
And if you're into fanfiction as a genre, even if it is just once in a while, you might consider checking out LiteraryFanFiction . SingingFlames hosts a prompt/challenge once a week (and I'm very, very behind on filling those) where your work will be featured in the next week's journal for everyone to read and enjoy.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Alright, thank you for those suggestions, I'll check them out whenever I have the time. =3
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