mello-dreamer [2004-08-09 03:29:00 +0000 UTC]

I love the first stanza, it seems like it maybe doesn't fit quite with the rest of the poem, or maybe the poem just didn't go where I expected it too. Anyway, the first stanza in particular is amazing, your writing seems to speak directly to me, showing me little shadows from inside my heart. Hate that whole association thing, how the hell are you supposed to forget when everytime you hear that word you think of them?

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lost-n-wasted [2004-04-26 19:23:04 +0000 UTC]

fuck this is good...

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timeraider [2004-04-08 02:24:44 +0000 UTC]

I don't understand the reference to "cavern," I'm afraid. Also, I don't like the use of "fucked up world," because while this is certainly a valid impression to convey to your readers, it's also a cliched statement. However true cliches might be, you must always exert caution when using them. This line, along with the one referencing the word "cavern," were in my eyes the most (and only) detracting lines in the poem.

I was floored by the metaphors involving weeds/a harvest and the second referring to drugs. Both were well-constructed and meaningful.

Unlike theillusionist, I thought the first stanza was, while perhaps the weakest stanza when stood alone, a crucial one to the poem as a whole. We start to see the physical and emotion separation from the good and joyous moments in life develop here, in our trip to a lot "so far from home" and a world of "emptiness." Without this opening, the second and third stanzas do not carry the same jaded apprehension for viewing the "pretty flowers" that might grow, and all we're left with is some well-constructed but less meaningful imagery.

I really liked how you never fully answered "because." Usually this word is used to construct thoughts of the form "This, because this," or in your case "Because this, this." You hint to it in the final line of the poem but leave a lot of the thought/statement to the mind of the reader, which is why the conclusion works so well.

One more thought- don't use so many contractions when writing poetry. I am often guilty of this as well, but you might find that what furthers speech and dialogue in prose can often take away from poetry or non-dialogical aspects of prose; I thought this especially true in the line "this life of mine's no storybook."

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wishididntwakeup [2004-04-06 01:29:42 +0000 UTC]

you totally rock my face off!

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ichhassesie [2004-04-03 21:30:03 +0000 UTC]

bittersweet is a great way to put it... mmm...

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captainpugwash [2004-04-02 08:47:45 +0000 UTC]

I have said it before and I shall say it again...FLOW. Don't ask me how your talented (and I'm sure very pretty) ass does it but you do. You weave these Images in with the emotions and then weave in some more images but it doesn't become tiring or boring, somehow the flow can keep you entertained until the end of the poem. I think it probably would if you wrote one that 4,000 words, you're that damned good. (Wow that sounded like some major arse-kissing)

Great work, and a for you

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SadEyez [2004-04-01 03:42:16 +0000 UTC]

I AM SO STUPID! i swear I was looking at something that ~xbleedingcherryx wrote...i saw her name on something next to yours...i'm such an idiot. i love your writing

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SadEyez [2004-04-01 03:40:36 +0000 UTC]

I LOVE YOUR WRITING TOO!!! :devxmisusednovelty: is also one of my favorites.

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airwave [2004-04-01 01:12:16 +0000 UTC]

this is so cool
you're a wicked writter

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anubiz [2004-03-31 17:06:55 +0000 UTC]

It has a kind of relentless flow to it... Waves crashng against cracked cliffs, something like that.

The imagery is, as usual, spot on. Powerful, but sometimes in an almost subdued manner.

Like it a lot.

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julyshelied [2004-03-31 12:00:41 +0000 UTC]

Mmm. This is quite good. I'm really wanting to read it outloud but the people in this damned lab might be suspicious. Guess I'll have to wait until tonight. Yes. Great poem, diggin' the flow (it fits together seamlessly).

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thezombie [2004-03-31 09:36:59 +0000 UTC]

Another Hope ya doing fine

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Validus-Vox [2004-03-31 09:16:09 +0000 UTC]

very powerful...you may feel in a rut hun, but your way of using words does not show your lack of writing ability. i too am in a rut, its killing me...i feel like i lost a part of myself. but all in all...you portray a powerful message, leave me thinking and feeling the despair...very good read...i read it a few times...keep it up and keep your chin up, if you ever need an open ear im here...i have MSN and if you need my name, ask Kristal...or if you have a different service, let me know...i have them all, hahaha...ok ok, im done here...peace

mike

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theillusionist [2004-03-31 02:38:39 +0000 UTC]

*pops in* Hello~! I will comment on this because I was "pestered" (it really didn't seem like pestering to *me*... I mean, really...my fault for being a lazy bum and not commenting) for it, and because I think I can think up a 'nice' comment for you. ^_^

The first stanza is kind of confusing to me. I kinda feel like it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, like it trails off into a different poem... it's very weird. However, I really like the words for the first stanza. Very well put together (then again, the *whole thing* is very well put together).

I love the second stanza. It's just got all those really good emotions sewn up into it. What I like about the second stanza overall is the images it gives me. It gives good, clear images. Images are good; you're really good at making images so I can imagine the poem going along in my strange way of imagining things.

And the third stanza is my FAVORITE. Everything is so honest and true in that stanza, and yeah... bleh... that whole stanza is my favorite out of the whole poem, because it gives so many emotions, and the words you put in that stanza... wow. It also gives me something to think about after, and that's what literature is for, isn't it?...

Overall, excellent job -- like always. (: Okay, now I'm done being rambly.

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winglessangelfa [2004-03-31 00:05:18 +0000 UTC]

Aww...sorry you feel that way...let me know if I can do anything at all.
On the plus side, I LOVE the piece. Yet another fav.

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WoundedWeapon [2004-03-30 23:39:02 +0000 UTC]

Thats just the way of the world. Bittersweet.
Great write, I like it a lot.

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xbleedingcherryx [2004-03-30 23:19:03 +0000 UTC]

Great job!

it may be cut...but it's never wasted.

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