xwhisperx [2004-03-20 05:40:20 +0000 UTC]

Searching through my past,
I lose myself in the void.
Reliving my memories,
searching for the lie.
((reliving is a tad blah.. maybe i just like overly detailed. lie? deception, distortion, falseness, myth, sorry i have this thing with vocabulary, bad habit))

The lie that brought me here,
where I cannot trust myself.
A prisoner in my head.
A past I cannot find.
((i like the line 'where i cannot trust myself' the implying that it is a place not a state of mind.. nice))

I know it's in here somewhere.
Memories don't just dissipear.
Shoved in some dark crevice
has to be the key, a way to get back.
((the wording makes this also feel as if you're dealing with something tangible, good effect. key. yay,. i like))

I have to prove to myself
that is wasn't my fault.
She was the one
that brought my life to a halt.
((ooo content here is nice. the conflict between what is and what should be. wording is good, not amazing but nothing stands out))

She poisoned my mind
with her lies and deceit.
She drove our lives to destruction.
But I figured her out.
((AHH CONGRADULATIONS ::throws party:: you used wonderful vocab... deceit, and poisoned, and destruction... oh i'm so proud. one question who is 'our'?))

So to here I escaped,
and here I shall stay.
A self-induced coma,
where I will be safe.
((straight forward no comment needed))

So i fly through the endless void in my mind,
knowing that i will never leave.
There is no safe escape,
for a person like me.
((what is a person like you? are you refering back to the trapped you? the guilible you? what? i just feel like that thought is left hanging))
i can see much more of the structure now that this poem is in a formal format.. what ever that is. but i think you know what i mean. vocabulary is much different on this one, i like it. if you hadn't noticed i'm a negative person so i'll tend not to focus on the good things. i sorry so if it seems like i'm just badgering. it's because i simply fail to mention the wonderful atributes there are many, believe me.

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dragon-wolf [2004-03-19 04:36:35 +0000 UTC]

Ask xwhisperx to critique it for you. She'll give it to you straight.

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Nosdi [2004-03-19 03:02:55 +0000 UTC]

It's good. I'm not that experienced of a writer, so I can't really give you any constructive criticism, but my opinion is that it's good.

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