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Zophirus — Geoffrey
Published: 2010-10-15 13:13:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 302; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 6
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Description Geoffrey pulled the wooden door closed behind him and walked briskly down the street.  The bus stop was only around the corner, but in this rain he'd quickly catch a cold if he didn't hurry to the shelter.  He rounded the corner but saw that he was too late.  Three men stood in the rain as two old ladies perched on the seat beneath the shelter.  Silently, he joined the other men.  The elderly ladies needed this shelter much more than he did, so there was no consideration that he might deprive them of it.  When he reached their age, young men would stand in the rain so that he might stay dry.

The grey bus pulled up, nearly filled with people.  The four of them stood aside as the ladies boarded the heaving bus, on which young people moved aside to let them sit.  Two of the other men took the seats beneath the shelter - the two who looked more wet.  Geoffrey knew that, if the next bus was full, any new arrivals at the bus stop would pay him the same courtesy and allow him to sit beneath the shelter.

Three hours later, Geoffrey arrived at the uniform grey block in which he lived.  The bus journey was only an hour, but elderly people had arrived at semi-regular intervals to supersede him onto the bus.  Still, he was happy to be home.  He walked down the empty, grey corridor, up the bare, wooden stairs and across to his living quarter.  As the flimsy wooden door swung open, Nancy called a greeting from the kitchen.

Nancy worked at the medical centre only two blocks away, so she had already been home for two hours.  A simple dinner of roast turkey with vegetables waited for him, the smell filling the room.  Over dinner, they discussed their days at work and afterward tuned into the global news network to see what had happened in the world today.  Nothing much, as was often the case.  Geoffrey was glad at this news.  After all, if nothing happened, that meant nothing bad had happened.  They tuned into the entertainment channel for a short while, laughing at the simple, slapstick antics of one of the broadcasting company's comedic talents.  This show was the most popular in the world - besides the news - which was why it was aired directly after dinner-time.

With the show over, they briefly copulated since Nancy was at the most fertile part of her cycle.  After his husbandly duty was done, Geoffrey read before turning off the light and settling in for a good night's sleep, ready to rise with the sun for tomorrow's work day.

Geoffrey is just one of the billions of people in this world, but his life is just like everyone else's.  Exactly the same.  After all, in a world without greed, there is nothing to distinguish between us.  There is no drive to fulfil our dreams, no desire to make something more of ourselves.  There is simply function and necessity to give meaning to our existence.
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Comments: 16

RollingTomorrow [2011-01-24 18:23:04 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for entering the One Factor Contest as #Writers--club !

This was interesting, and your narrative style made it a good read!




=TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club and #LandoftheSky

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Zophirus In reply to RollingTomorrow [2011-01-25 15:50:12 +0000 UTC]

Haha, I'm actually planning to rework this soon but thank you very much I'm glad you liked it

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RollingTomorrow In reply to Zophirus [2011-02-27 22:25:03 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome!

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Rosefeather333 [2010-11-10 00:02:51 +0000 UTC]

This is quite an interesting concept.
I enjoyed this a lot.

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Zophirus In reply to Rosefeather333 [2010-11-11 16:32:03 +0000 UTC]

Thank you. I thought it was an interesting concept and was unsure of how well I'd portrayed it. The final paragraph was the only way I could think of to illustrate what made this world the way it was. I'd have preferred something more subtle.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it

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Rosefeather333 In reply to Zophirus [2010-11-12 03:27:12 +0000 UTC]

It is quite an interesting concept. A world without greed or passion. But I suppose if you leave people to imagine, this is what they will think.

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Zophirus In reply to Rosefeather333 [2010-11-15 21:20:12 +0000 UTC]

It probably won't take much to weave some extra sentences in here and there to remove the need for that final monologue. I'll need to get my editor's hat on.

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Rosefeather333 In reply to Zophirus [2010-11-16 01:55:24 +0000 UTC]

I guess you're right. Editor's hat. I think I'll use that bit.

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Zombie-Matrix [2010-10-30 16:29:36 +0000 UTC]

This is interesting, but to be honest, I didn't notice that the story was about how boring life would be without greed until I read the note. I did like the way it was written, though.

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Zophirus In reply to Zombie-Matrix [2010-10-30 17:53:43 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for that. I wasn't sure how well that image was coming across. Can I ask what impression it was giving as you read it? Did you think there was a meaning to it or that it was just descriptive text? I'd really like to know, so I can improve on this in future ^_^

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Zombie-Matrix In reply to Zophirus [2010-11-01 17:18:57 +0000 UTC]

It gave me the impression of... well, that it's a world that's very set, that's very standardized and not very exciting. And I did wonder what the meaning was, I could tell there was a meaning, but I couldn't tell exactly what the meaning of it was. It was also very descriptive.

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Zophirus In reply to Zombie-Matrix [2010-11-02 11:05:58 +0000 UTC]

Hmm, so it sounds like I was able to give most of the impression I was going for, just missing that final bit. It should be possible to also show that it's a world without greed... but that's beyond my skills for the time being, I think.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me!

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MuertoMushroom [2010-10-17 07:07:09 +0000 UTC]

I liked it. I liked the way it reminded me of Gilliam's Brazil and the way the entertainment channel reminded me a bit of Judge's Ideocracy.

One thing- "Geoffrey and Nancy gently made love" didn't feel right to me when it's also referred to as "his husbandly duty." I don't know what I'd put in place of "made love," but something just as bland and grey and uneventful as the world for sure. Love is greedy, you know?

But really, what a cool take on the greed prompt.

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Zophirus In reply to MuertoMushroom [2010-10-18 10:58:57 +0000 UTC]

Thank you - I was quite nervous that I'd made it too short to really convey my meaning (hence the slightly drab monologue at the end). I was really trying to think of something to go in place of "made love" and came up with the slightly lame addition that they were only doing it for procreational reasons, not for pleasure. That's also where the husbandly duty came in.

So I agree entirely that the wording there could benefit from a change - perhaps a cold, clinical definition of it. "Copulated", maybe? Or maybe just "mated".

With the news and entertainment channels, I was trying to find a way of inserting the idea that there are no competing networks, no shows vying for viewing figures. I didn't want to just blandly discuss it though, I was hoping to say it in subtext. Do you think that came across?

Thank you, genuinely. It was an experiment for me and I'm so glad you liked it.

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MuertoMushroom In reply to Zophirus [2010-10-18 14:41:57 +0000 UTC]

copulate is a good. I don't know, sex is one of those difficult things to write about because it's hard finding just the right term. The biblical "laid with" might fit, but it might not.

Yeah, I definitely got what you were going for, I think. The story also made me think of Kurt Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron," where no one is any more special than anyone. But the idea that there's one global network- one entertainment show that runs constantly, that came through.

I like how there's still choice in this world, but no drive either way.

Also, I am adding you to my watch list because I like writers who can talk about their work and I enjoyed this story a lot.

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Zophirus In reply to MuertoMushroom [2010-10-19 11:23:42 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for the discussion. It really gives me a chance to determine whether I've succeeded in conveying some of the more subtle aspects of the story. It's so difficult to find a way of presenting an idea without just going into a very self-indulgent monologue explaining the finer points of this marvellous, rich world the author has created - I'm sure you've encountered more than a few of those. They often render a story unreadable to me, particularly a short story.

So I'm always happy to talk about what I've set out to do in a given piece and whether the reader feels I've managed it. The only way to improve, I say, is to understand what your audience sees in your work. Ultimately, of course the most important thing is that the author be happy with what they've written, but it's a little bit pointless if nobody else can enjoy it. So thanks for the watch and I look forward to more conversations like this about ways I can improve. I'm also adding you to my watch and aim to give some useful insights back ^_^

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