Comments: 16
Rosefeather333 [2010-11-10 00:02:51 +0000 UTC]
This is quite an interesting concept.
I enjoyed this a lot.
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Rosefeather333 In reply to Zophirus [2010-11-12 03:27:12 +0000 UTC]
It is quite an interesting concept. A world without greed or passion. But I suppose if you leave people to imagine, this is what they will think.
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Zophirus In reply to Rosefeather333 [2010-11-15 21:20:12 +0000 UTC]
It probably won't take much to weave some extra sentences in here and there to remove the need for that final monologue. I'll need to get my editor's hat on.
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Rosefeather333 In reply to Zophirus [2010-11-16 01:55:24 +0000 UTC]
I guess you're right. Editor's hat. I think I'll use that bit.
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Zombie-Matrix [2010-10-30 16:29:36 +0000 UTC]
This is interesting, but to be honest, I didn't notice that the story was about how boring life would be without greed until I read the note. I did like the way it was written, though.
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Zophirus In reply to Zombie-Matrix [2010-10-30 17:53:43 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for that. I wasn't sure how well that image was coming across. Can I ask what impression it was giving as you read it? Did you think there was a meaning to it or that it was just descriptive text? I'd really like to know, so I can improve on this in future ^_^
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Zombie-Matrix In reply to Zophirus [2010-11-01 17:18:57 +0000 UTC]
It gave me the impression of... well, that it's a world that's very set, that's very standardized and not very exciting. And I did wonder what the meaning was, I could tell there was a meaning, but I couldn't tell exactly what the meaning of it was. It was also very descriptive.
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Zophirus In reply to Zombie-Matrix [2010-11-02 11:05:58 +0000 UTC]
Hmm, so it sounds like I was able to give most of the impression I was going for, just missing that final bit. It should be possible to also show that it's a world without greed... but that's beyond my skills for the time being, I think.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me!
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Zophirus In reply to MuertoMushroom [2010-10-18 10:58:57 +0000 UTC]
Thank you - I was quite nervous that I'd made it too short to really convey my meaning (hence the slightly drab monologue at the end). I was really trying to think of something to go in place of "made love" and came up with the slightly lame addition that they were only doing it for procreational reasons, not for pleasure. That's also where the husbandly duty came in.
So I agree entirely that the wording there could benefit from a change - perhaps a cold, clinical definition of it. "Copulated", maybe? Or maybe just "mated".
With the news and entertainment channels, I was trying to find a way of inserting the idea that there are no competing networks, no shows vying for viewing figures. I didn't want to just blandly discuss it though, I was hoping to say it in subtext. Do you think that came across?
Thank you, genuinely. It was an experiment for me and I'm so glad you liked it.
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MuertoMushroom In reply to Zophirus [2010-10-18 14:41:57 +0000 UTC]
copulate is a good. I don't know, sex is one of those difficult things to write about because it's hard finding just the right term. The biblical "laid with" might fit, but it might not.
Yeah, I definitely got what you were going for, I think. The story also made me think of Kurt Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron," where no one is any more special than anyone. But the idea that there's one global network- one entertainment show that runs constantly, that came through.
I like how there's still choice in this world, but no drive either way.
Also, I am adding you to my watch list because I like writers who can talk about their work and I enjoyed this story a lot.
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Zophirus In reply to MuertoMushroom [2010-10-19 11:23:42 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for the discussion. It really gives me a chance to determine whether I've succeeded in conveying some of the more subtle aspects of the story. It's so difficult to find a way of presenting an idea without just going into a very self-indulgent monologue explaining the finer points of this marvellous, rich world the author has created - I'm sure you've encountered more than a few of those. They often render a story unreadable to me, particularly a short story.
So I'm always happy to talk about what I've set out to do in a given piece and whether the reader feels I've managed it. The only way to improve, I say, is to understand what your audience sees in your work. Ultimately, of course the most important thing is that the author be happy with what they've written, but it's a little bit pointless if nobody else can enjoy it. So thanks for the watch and I look forward to more conversations like this about ways I can improve. I'm also adding you to my watch and aim to give some useful insights back ^_^
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