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Description
April 1, 2027

The Football Association has announced
sweeping changes to the rules for women’s
football to “provide more appropriate
entertainment in the current political
atmosphere.”

“It is time to acknowledge the fundamental
difference between men and women,”
Larry ‘Lounge’ Lizard, the newly-appointed
FA chairman declared yesterday at a press
conference to publicise the changes.

“The men’s game is based on speed, strength
and agility,” Mr Lizard said, “and women
cannot compete on that level. So we are
establishing a new framework in which women’s
football can develop into a game based on grace,
elegance and beauty. We believe this will make
it much more saleable to TV, sponsors and the
general public. It will also meet the mores of the
society we now live in, where women are valued
for these qualities.”

The main rule changes are a ban on heading the
ball and on tackling, which will both result in a
direct free kick if perpetrated.

“Studies have shown that repeated heading of
the ball can result in brain damage,” the FA’s
chief medical officer, Dr Strangelove, explained.
“Women, in particular, can’t afford to lose any
brain capacity, bless ‘em. In addition, heading
can also result in severe damage to make-up
and hairstyles, thus detracting from the overall
spectacle.”

“Tackling,” he continued, “is both unladylike
and may result in unsightly bruises and dirty
knees which, again, reduce a lady’s decorum,
dignity and attractiveness.”

“With the need for unsightly protective padding
removed,” the chairman explained, “it is now
possible to update the kit worn in women’s games
to something more suitable and alluring.”

At this point, the FA committee members were
joined on stage by a bevy of very attractive models
wearing the new kit in the colours of all the
Premier League clubs.

“As you can see, we have modelled the new kit on
Beach Volleyball uniforms,” Mr Lizard continued.
“Shirt, shorts and socks are replaced by these very
brief bikinis, teamed with suitable footwear. I’m
sure you will agree that the result is far more
pleasing on the eye, and allows these beautiful
ladies to show off their assets in the best possible
light.”

There were also changes announced to the
disciplinary system. A new offence of ‘unladylike
conduct’ is to be introduced. It will be at the
discretion of the referee to determine this, and
infringements may result in a caution or, in
extreme circumstances, dismissal.

Yellow and red cards will be replaced by a sin bin
for ten and thirty minutes respectively. When
entering the sin bin, which will be a perspex box
on the touchline, a player will have to remove
their uniform to distinguish them from those
players still on the pitch.

The team coach will be able to reduce the time a
player spends in the sin bin by having the fourth
official cane the player, each stroke reducing the
time in the sin bin by one minute.

“We believe these new penalties will add to the
entertainment provided,” the head of the Referees
Association, Mr Alan B’stard, said. “In other
changes, all Assistant Referees will, from now on,
be female, with referees and fourth officials being
male, as it seemed reasonable that Assistant roles
be fulfilled by women. The Assistant Referee
uniform will be similar to that of the players, with
the bikinis designed in an attractive black latex.”

Sepp Blatter, 91, the former FIFA president,
enthusiastically supported the changes, saying that
he felt they were a major contribution to the
advancement of the women’s game and should be
adopted in all countries.

The current FIFA president was not available for
comment.

Description
April 1, 2027

The Football Association has announced
sweeping changes to the rules for women’s
football to “provide more appropriate
entertainment in the current political
atmosphere.”

“It is time to acknowledge the fundamental
difference between men and women,”
Larry ‘Lounge’ Lizard, the newly-appointed
FA chairman declared yesterday at a press
conference to publicise the changes.

“The men’s game is based on speed, strength
and agility,” Mr Lizard said, “and women
cannot compete on that level. So we are
establishing a new framework in which women’s
football can develop into a game based on grace,
elegance and beauty. We believe this will make
it much more saleable to TV, sponsors and the
general public. It will also meet the mores of the
society we now live in, where women are valued
for these qualities.”

The main rule changes are a ban on heading the
ball and on tackling, which will both result in a
direct free kick if perpetrated.

“Studies have shown that repeated heading of
the ball can result in brain damage,” the FA’s
chief medical officer, Dr Strangelove, explained.
“Women, in particular, can’t afford to lose any
brain capacity, bless ‘em. In addition, heading
can also result in severe damage to make-up
and hairstyles, thus detracting from the overall
spectacle.”

“Tackling,” he continued, “is both unladylike
and may result in unsightly bruises and dirty
knees which, again, reduce a lady’s decorum,
dignity and attractiveness.”

“With the need for unsightly protective padding
removed,” the chairman explained, “it is now
possible to update the kit worn in women’s games
to something more suitable and alluring.”

At this point, the FA committee members were
joined on stage by a bevy of very attractive models
wearing the new kit in the colours of all the
Premier League clubs.

“As you can see, we have modelled the new kit on
Beach Volleyball uniforms,” Mr Lizard continued.
“Shirt, shorts and socks are replaced by these very
brief bikinis, teamed with suitable footwear. I’m
sure you will agree that the result is far more
pleasing on the eye, and allows these beautiful
ladies to show off their assets in the best possible
light.”

There were also changes announced to the
disciplinary system. A new offence of ‘unladylike
conduct’ is to be introduced. It will be at the
discretion of the referee to determine this, and
infringements may result in a caution or, in
extreme circumstances, dismissal.

Yellow and red cards will be replaced by a sin bin
for ten and thirty minutes respectively. When
entering the sin bin, which will be a perspex box
on the touchline, a player will have to remove
their uniform to distinguish them from those
players still on the pitch.

The team coach will be able to reduce the time a
player spends in the sin bin by having the fourth
official cane the player, each stroke reducing the
time in the sin bin by one minute.

“We believe these new penalties will add to the
entertainment provided,” the head of the Referees
Association, Mr Alan B’stard, said. “In other
changes, all Assistant Referees will, from now on,
be female, with referees and fourth officials being
male, as it seemed reasonable that Assistant roles
be fulfilled by women. The Assistant Referee
uniform will be similar to that of the players, with
the bikinis designed in an attractive black latex.”

Sepp Blatter, 91, the former FIFA president,
enthusiastically supported the changes, saying that
he felt they were a major contribution to the
advancement of the women’s game and should be
adopted in all countries.

The current FIFA president was not available for
comment.