HOME | DD
cality — Gravity
Published: 2011-02-04 20:09:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 1676; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 10
Redirect to original
Description
I'm waiting for you on grey-slate rooftopswith the August sun between my teeth,
resisting the impulse to
bite down
(upon skin). Icarus
lies at my feet, bent
around broken feathers
and a skeleton, as I pick
apart our earth-
quakes with my fingertips.
Always,
marrow eyes and hollow
bones
-whisper-
it's not that far to fall.
Related content
Comments: 25
Lovely. I particularly adore the line: 'with the August sun between my teeth'.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I find it very enchanting. Excellent choice of words. Pure, simple yet complete. A well written piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Finally!
Immediately, we are presented with brilliance.
I think it's awesome how you've incorporated the imagery and made use of the metaphors here to add further impact and depth to things overall.
The structure is fantastic and I like the way you've phrased things... good use of the parenthesis as well.
It's interesting how simplicity is contrasted with complexity in some areas...
However, I feel that you've used words that are a bit typical... other than that, it's beautiful. Lovely ending.
In terms of your questions, to me, I think the stanzas fit together well and the italics add further emphasis to things, but that could just be me.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I know, it was about time, wasn't it?!
Wow, thank you.
I italicised the last line to fit together with the idea of falling and 'Icarus', so I'm glad the emphasis is all right!
Thanks so much for the comment.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This is wonderful. I love "with the August sun between my teeth". I do feel like "upon skin" is a little awkward, or obvious, but it loses itself quickly with the Icarus metaphor, and the beautiful delicacy of the formatting at the end.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you very much! I was pretty pleased with that line (although admittedly less so with the ending!).
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I really like this. the imagery right from the start is great! Somewhat like London's suggestion, just take the word ALWAYS out. Leave the rest!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you for the lovely comment and the suggestion! I will look over this piece soon (well, I hope soon 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Oh, great!
Very powerful images.
I don't know if the italics are necessary or not, but if you feel you need them, it's OK.
I love the myth of Icarus, by the way.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you!
Yes, the myth of Icarus is great! It was always one of my favourites.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i happen to love this like whoa and i think it fits beautifully...the second big chunk of a stanza is my favorite <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
The imagery in this is wonderful!!!
Suggestions.. I feel like it is great up until "Always." The rest is okay, it just isn't as good as that first part. It's less powerful and meaningful. I would just cut it off.. honestly, you don't need the rest at all!! It ends beautifully at "fingertips." ^_^ Hope that's not too harsh!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you!
I agree... I did think the last part was weakest. I'll definitely consider your suggestions, thank you so much! Oh, and don't worry at all about sounding too harsh - you weren't! You were just as lovely as always.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I only said all that cos you specifically asked for suggestions. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1