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Cwoz — screaming
Published: 2013-05-21 03:30:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 2573; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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to loud music before it gets too late to scream.living in these apartments. i'm just another cube in a building.
i'm doing everything i can think of to occupy my thoughts.
cigarette after cigarette. i'm tired of going outside.
i got a long message from a girl who hates me now.
who blames me for all her problems now. how could i do this to her.
leave her in this mess. words. more words. i can't read what she's writing anymore because i'm getting tears in my eyes.
so i scream.
i'm waiting and hoping for alex to come soon...
otherwise i think i'm gonna explode or hurt myself.
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Comments: 37
I feel the same as Eksafael. I really wish I was there, that I could stop the pain and just pet your hair until all of the hurt and betrayal is washed from the strands. I havent been on DA very much lately but I will admit that the only reason I still go on is to see if you're okay. I'm sorry I haven't been around enough to do that. I feel like I have failed you by not being there, by not reminding you in time that people do care, that I care, that we want you to be happy and alright.
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you know i'd have you here in heartbeat. i think god has good timing, even when we think we don't. you always remind me, it seems. please don't ever believe that feeling that you've failed me. because it's not true at all. you're a wonderful friend to me on here. you've gone above and beyond for a stranger. just some person in california who's hurting a whole bunch that you don't even know in person. a lot of people wouldn't do that, i think. it amazes me still. you're special. everyone is. i love you and all those watchers who, for some reason, are here for me...
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I've fallen in love with the concept of road trips and I would love to snake my way down to California sometime. I would have to buy a new car first though as mine is going to fall apart any day now. You should take me to some awesome tea shops when I finally do make it down there.
You're probably the only person on DA I would consider a friend, the only person I talk to anyway and if it weren't for you i wouldn't know that I'm having a lot of mental health issues myself (which I'm hoping to medicate soon). So yeah, you've done a lot for me too and when things have gotten bad I've reminded myself that hey, some person in California may need me and if I'm not here I can't help them out.
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i LOVE road trips. that would be too amazing if you could do that. i would try to be a gracious host lol. i have no car or licence. but i do know of some amazing tea places...and thrift shops.
i think it's important for all of us to remember that we are never alone. there's always someone that cares for you, or someone for you to care about. i think friendship and love and....other people...are what makes our lives important.
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I was raised with the belief that if you aren't giving to the world you are a waste of space. I've been feeling like I havent been giving enough and it's really dragging me down. I like your philosophy better since, while I am probably the worst I've ever been mentally I do now have more friends than I've ever had before. As long as I keep my mouth shut and dont let them know about my depression and anxiety too much I should be able to keep them. But that doesn't help, does it?
I love walking so if and when I get down there, walking everywhere would totally rock. You see more too.
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ii wasn't raised with that belief necessarily...
but i've come to believe it for myself. and it can lead you to be very harsh towards yourself. i like to occasionally think about the things i'm saying and thinking about myself and imagine me saying them to another person, and then i realize how unrealistic my expectations are of myself and how fucking mean i'm being to myself...haha
but. no, that doesn't help to keep all that a secret. trust me. it ends up backfiring. pushing you away from people when really all you want is to be close. it feels like, maybe trying to spare them from your troubles and shit, but it ends up being the thing that pushes people away...at least in my experience. though sometimes certain people will end up distancing themselves from someone with a mental illness, probably out of not knowing what to do. i've found that being open and lighthearted with it works nicely. just acknowledging that it's something you deal with, but it's not who you aere. and yeah, you'll get sad now and then...but it will pass. knowing that and you're friends knowing that could work out excellent. and you know whoever sticks around really loves you.
also, i love walking. <3
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but its a good belief to have regardless. I feel pretty worthless a lot of the time, I'm 23 and working in a grocery store, living with my parents, I havent accomplished anything. I'm pretty good at taking care of other people and supporting them but me? No, I treat myself like garbage because that's all I can see myself as.
I was really open about it with my last boyfriend. It's the reason that I'm single now. He didn't want to be around me when my depression was flaring up and I was working a job that made me suicidal which he didn't want to be around. I was too much of a "downer" all of the time. So being open about it, when it's as bad as it is, is very much not a good idea for me. I have to wear this little jovial mask in order to keep people around. I can talk about it, but not in detail and not without a smile on my face, so no one knows how bad it actually is.
If it's going to pass I don't know when.
I have started running. I'm not good at it, but it's getting a little bit easier. And it's a way to get out of my house. I like walking more but running is tough so I feel more productive with it.
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there's a quote that i read on a tag from a tea bag...
it's faded so i can barely read it now...but it goes:
success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.
i think booker t. washington said that.
but it always reminds me that success and how you feel about yourself is unfortunately based so much on comparison. and should not be that way. cut yourself some slack. you deal with a lot. and you DEAL with it. and you are moving forward. we are all moving forward, no matter how stagnant we may feel. i guarantee, you could talk till you are blue in the face about your depression to me and i wouldn't see any reason to leave. we all have our obstacles. and as long as you push through it, don't give up, and enjoy the little things along the way...you'll be fine.
i'm sorry, i feel all preachy.
your comment has been sitting in my inbox for a while and i haven't know what to say. but i was cleaning and i found that one paper with the quote and thought of you. i hope some of that helped, i do.
i wish you lots of love, friend.
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Ever since I first met you on dA around 6 years ago, I've always wished I could be your friend in person. It makes me sad that you've come to hurt so much and that people hurt you and I can't be there for you in the same room. I would tell you she doesn't hate you, because a person who hates you doesn't write a long message explaining why. I would tell you not to scream because that's what she wants you to do, because she'll win. I would tell you it's okay, though, if you do, because you can't control what hurts you. And I would tell you not to worry about the ones who try to make you cry and scream. They are dust looking to fly from the ceiling fan, to spin your life for a rush. They don't deserve your tears.
When I read these things, I wish I could be in that cube, in that building, with you.
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oh
sweetness,
that made me feel like tearing up when i read that. thank you. i wish you could come here to my tiny cube too. and that seems accurate...i know i wouldn't waste my time writing so much to someone i hate. i guess extreme hurt can let you do some fucked up stuff. cause everything between us has been fucked. but. there's not anything i can really do anymore. it's hard to accept that. and to not be so hung up about it. there's so much i wish i could write to her. not hurtful things. but...it's too late and useless, i'm sure. maybe one day.
anyway. thank you so much
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I feel the same about a friend I once had, my once best friend,
who claims she never thought of me as a friend. I know
that's impossible, not after everything, unless she thought of
me as more. I think she loved me, and I think I sheltered my same
feelings too much, and she removed me to make things better. I
have a million confused feelings still inside me even though it's
been almost a year. I want to write her and tell her what I thought,
what I felt, but it's been so long, and it hurts to remember her.
I hope that makes sense.
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that actually resonates very well for me. it seems like a similar situation. i know she's removed me to make herself feel less pain now that i'm with someone...i know she was in love with me. and i know she would say that i'm the one that removed myself somehow, or i made her leave. or whatever. i'm...i'm fairly certain she hates me now. which leaves me wondering how...could you love someone and them hate them so passionately? i guess hurt can really change a person. even though the hurt was never intentionally given. the extreme switch of feelings and personalty makes me wonder if what ever we had back then was real...or if this is the real her, and i just didn't know. but. i know it has to just be the hurt...
i hope she's okay, whatever she's doing now.
damn. i'm sorry. i have the feeling i should keep my personal life a little more private.
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It's okay. I actually feel a little better knowing
someone understands what I'm going through. What
you wrote sounds almost word for word like what
happened between me and my friend.
I'm sorry too. I just hadn't told anyone the
solid truth about what happened and I felt like
we could relate. I have a tendency to hide how
I really feel, and I'm pretty sure everyone thinks
I'm over it when I feel the same as I did a week
after it happened.
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if it's almost word for word, than i think i definitely understand. i was surprised at how similar your story was to mine when i read it. i don't think she will ever believe how devastating what she said to me was. how much it hurt because i still love her. and i'm sure i always will. how could i not? when we've been through so much. and i know her. and i spent some wonderful and also terrible times with her. i still feel all the feelings.
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I feel the same way. I wish there were
something I could do, but I don't think
there is. And then sometimes, I think
there might be a way, but I can't
bring myself to confront her again.
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it's easier when i have music playing and i'm alone.
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i don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being a cube in a building. if you're not feeling free, maybe you need a drastic change. if the main issue is this girl who's upset with you... does she refuse to let you go or to try and fix things? maybe you two need to try a lot harder or just give it a clean break. i know the inbetween sometines just keeps the wound open.
there's a quote in the new chuck book, something like "what makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven". wow this is peppy. anyway, i try to think of it whenever i angst.
call alex!!! or anyone. please don't force yourself to be alone when you're feeling like this. feel better <3
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our break was a bit less than clean.
but maybe it's for the best...i'm hoping.
that quote reminds me of something a Buddhist monk said ...
it went something like, the root of suffering is being where you are and wishing you were somewhere else. so very true.
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ugh, what does one do about it? i hate that there is such a humongous gap between realization and execution. makes me think thinking and analyzing things is often pointless in the end. oh well.
i'm glad you made it through that bad day. even though your journals are devestating, they are some of my favourite pieces of writing. and that is only one of probably a thousand great things about you. the world is a better place with you in it, end of story. *stares defiantly*
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there is a gap.
a very very needless gap. i know it has a lot to do with how our brains work. we create neural pathways in our brains...usually thinking or doing things that are easy, like saying negative things about yourself or your circumstances. and a lot of that has to do with our society i think... we compare ourselves too much. put too much importance on certain things. another quote i read one was...it's simple to be difficult, but difficult to be simple. or something. i still wonder why that is...
but anyway. we create these pathways in our neurotransmitters every time we think. our brains take the path of least resistance and unfortunately that pathway is the negative one we created throughout our lives. "i hate myself" "life is terrible" ...stuff like that. does that make sense? i'm sure i'm explaining it awfully...
but um. that's why it's really difficult to change your behavior and thought patterns. it took you thinking all that shit for years to make that pathway so easy to for your brain to use. it takes quite a bit of conscious effort to create a different one. a healthier one.
changing the way you think, accepting your self and your circumstances just the way they are takes conscious effort. and it's hard. but worth it, i think.
and thank you, by the way.
<3
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that actually makes a lot of sense. i know one of the reasons it's so difficult breaking an addiction is quite similar. if i remember correctly, the most important thing you can do to maintain neuroplasticity is to challenge yourself with something that is important or interesting to you. it seems logical that if your life is in stasis, your brain will be also. meditation is another tool for that. and getting enough magnesium. there was something about exercise as well, but i'd rather be eaten by wolves.
hahaha, i literally moaned "uuuhh EFFORT" while reading the part about conscious effort. my maturity level is plummeting on a daily basis. but i definitely think you're right about that. in the end its probably gonna come down to effort.
thank you <3
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absolutely. you know your stuff.
and don't worry. i'm pretty sure evvveryone feels the same way about effort. i do. it's one of those words that puts weight on you. like "homework" eeeeeh
but. putting effort into something important that you care about is a good thing, unlike homework. fuck homework. pretty soon though it doesn't feel like effort. i think really, honestly, the thought of it is worse than actually just doing it. it's just taking that first step. it feels like you have cement on your feet, but after that, it becomes much easier.
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Says this was 18 hours ago. Did you make it? If so, you held on for way longer than you thought you could. That's pretty good.
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i did. you're right.
these feelings seem to come in terrible waves. but waves always crest i guess...that sounded so cheesy. but it's true.
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I cannot say I wouldn't do the same.
Waiting for twin cigarette burns to heal now. I call it scarification, to justify the self mutilation.
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i really can't justify what i do to myself.
there's so much..the scars on my left arm looks like tiger stripes.
the worst part is when children ask about it. kids are so honest.
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Aww... don't hurt yourself. And don't let people blame you for things. That's not fair.
I miss you.
Talk to me.
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i wish someone would kill me right now.
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Don't say that. I would be so sad.
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i'm sorry. i've been very dark lately. i'll get better.
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I hope so. I don't like when you're sad.
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