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Echoeslegend — Perfect

Published: 2004-02-26 22:52:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 191; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 48
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Description

The desks were configured into a neat semi-circle, clear plastic tops, and cold plastic seats. Arranged in a uniform row on the ceiling were fluorescent lights, and they gleamed on the metal supporting the "learning stations". Eyes lacking any trace of life bore into twenty children seated in the room. Ten males, ten females. Not even sunlight and a yellow canary whistling zippety-doo-da would bring warmth to the desolate atmosphere. One nearly expected a tumbleweed to skirt past the children's feet. But where would it come from? Blocking the only escape was a solid metal door; no windows, no other way out.



A woman who no longer believed in love paced the chill tile, and though small, the room echoed with clip-click of her heels. Bony fingers brushed over a small boy's desk, tapping lightly.



"You," she breathed. It was a soft, and dangerous sound. He looked up with terror framed in already watery eyes. A solitary tear tumbled down his white chubby cheek, leaving no mark or trail. To his right was a fellow peer, a small girl, who turned her pale blue eyes on to him, and she trembled in empathic fear. In the brief silence she heard the boy’s heart beat, and the low clicking noise that echoed from evenly dispersed mouse-hole shaped crevices at the base of the four walls. Normally a sob would be choked out, or a pleading cry, but there was none to be had by this little boy. He had made mistakes on his work one too many times, and now he would pay.



Black and ominous, the tendrils slipped out, birthed from their mechanical womb, and electricity buzzing and humming in the faceless heads. All that adorned the obsidian snakes were an array of white dots at the suction-cup shaped end. They reminded one of the stars, frozen, distant, and untouchable. Extreme irony ruled this world, and one by one, ten long, smooth and slick snakes of a new breed, slid across the floor and wound up the metal of the boy's chair. Tremors raked his body as the snakes connected with his bare and pure skin, a small mouth opened in a silent scream and was quickly replaced by the writhing mass of tendrils.



Nineteen children watched on in horror, though not for the first time. Tomorrow, perhaps the day after, another five year old boy would take his place. As the snakes dispersed, leaving nothing in their wake the teacher whispered, "Back to work."



Nine boys, ten girls. Simultaneously, noiseless activity proceeded, and the children of the future scribbled out their times tables. Three times one is three, three times two is six, and three times three is nine. There is no room for error in the future. You must all be perfect. Ten times ten is one hundred.

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Comments: 10

breathheld [2004-08-28 05:18:52 +0000 UTC]

Mm fear - I can taste it on my rolled tongue. Additionally I like how it's suspended here. Tendrils are overworked imagery, but you carry them off with polish in such a short space.

A few comments:

The desks were configured into a neat semi-circle, clear plastic tops, and cold plastic seats
For the sake of structure, you may wish to rework this so that clear...seats is an offset clause like: "The desks were configured into a neat semicircle with clear plastic tops and cold plastic seats". Another idea to consider is transforming the first verb into active voice; this carries more moment and begins with [more] flair this episode of terror. Eliminating the commas allows the cadence to barrel naturally.

Eyes lacking any trace of life bore into twenty children seated in the room
Be wary of utilising an active verb with a description of lifelessness; you want a more languid one here.

desolate atmosphere is verbose; you can more effectively say "desolation", which conveys identical setting.

expected a tumbleweed reads awkwardly. I think you want the plural here for effect.

A woman who no longer believed in love paced the chill tile is graciously devilish. I like this bit; it wants further development. Why does she no longer believe? Fleshing this out constructs a more vivid setting for the torturous displeasure - terror - of the students.

she breathed. It was a soft, and dangerous sound
The description is more forceful when directly modifying the verb: "she breathed lowly and dangerously".

already watery is better as "already watering". Using a gerund usually works better.

In the brief silence she heard the boy’s heart beat
beat is much too weak. You want "thump" or "thunder".

at the suction-cup shaped end
end should be plural to match snakes.

noiseless activity proceeded
I think you want "resumed" instead of proceeded because you're conveying past action not new.

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Echoeslegend In reply to breathheld [2004-08-28 14:00:36 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm not sure I'll be returning to this piece because I wrote it so long ago, and this is so clearly not my best writing I'm not sure if its even worth it. But I might. In the event that I do, your critique will be so helpful. Thank you again.

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GnKit [2004-03-27 22:15:35 +0000 UTC]

brrrr... creepy ... but imaginable very intersting

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fainting-goat [2004-03-03 17:09:56 +0000 UTC]

Amazing. The horror of this piece is tangible - very well written. I swear I got a chill there at the end. Pweeee.....

My only critique - and this might be a personal opinion - is that the teacher figure is portrayed as the cruel one. Perhaps if you played her as just a person, nothing more, and put more emphasis on the terror and horrificness of the snakes. It would take it in a different direction, laying the blame entirely on the social structure rather than the teacher. Right now it's divided.

This line also bothers me: "Extreme irony ruled this world" I don't understand it.

So just a thought. Really, you can -easily- get away with changing nothing in the structure of the story. The idea is excellent, and the execution is superb. I especially love the last line. Very chilling.

Hell, why am I mentoring you? It should be the other way around.

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Echoeslegend In reply to fainting-goat [2004-03-03 17:20:36 +0000 UTC]

Oh man, you've made my day! That line that bothers you, I struggled with when re-working this, I had a feeling it was something only I'd get- It has to do with one of the lines before it, how the stars are untouchable, and the comparing the heads of the snakes to having white dots like stars, blah blah blah the snakes consume you...get it? Yeah, I need to fix that line big time.

Interesting point you bring up, about the teacher. That would work really well I think, making her just a normal person. I think I'll try that if you don't mind.

Thank you so much, you're an awesome mentor and I doubt I could help you in the way you've been helping me.

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kretel [2004-03-01 13:59:05 +0000 UTC]

Vivid. Well done!

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pale-reflection [2004-02-27 23:39:33 +0000 UTC]

You have a good way for describing things. Some very nice imagery used.

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Kame [2004-02-27 04:02:20 +0000 UTC]

Wow, pretty harsh but way good!

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serratedkatana [2004-02-27 03:59:17 +0000 UTC]

excellent. Very well written.

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Echoeslegend In reply to serratedkatana [2004-02-27 05:48:39 +0000 UTC]

Oh wow, thank you so much!

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