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EternalSunday β€” transition by-nc-nd
#ftm #lgbtq #poem #trans #transgender #transition #transman #biographical #poetry #ftmtransgender
Published: 2017-09-02 00:48:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 6561; Favourites: 94; Downloads: 0
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Description i.

i'm sitting in a doctor's office, and he wants to see my past and present
connected by a trail of bread crumbs - the story of my life

as a linear narrative.

but i can't reach back and pull forth an unbroken thread
that justifies my present -
i can't pick it all apart and reassemble it as it was.

yet he demands proof, and i'll give it to him.

i'll give it to him.

for the future, i'll do anything

(it's beyond simple longing, it's beyond hope - it's the only thing
that makes the next breath worth taking).

so i make my truth fit into his notebook,
i cut and paste the moments
until they fit together

and show a picture of my past
that won't let him deny

my future.


ii.

i'm five years old and i wear my brother's cast-offs
instead of my brand new clothes.

i don't know why but it feels more right to be a boy
when i play pretend with my friends.

when i'm seven and i look in the mirror,
i hold my long hair behind my head

and imagine cutting it all off -
long strands fluttering to the floor.

it feels like a pivotal moment.

at fourteen, i buy my clothing from the men's department
and no amount of peer-pressure is enough
to make me pierce my ears.

i hide my body in oversized hoodies
and whenever someone calls me a boy,

i cradle that moment in my hands

like a gift.

that's how i go on without really noticing,

but only because there are no words
to capture the essence

of these moments, no ink
to help connect the dots.

once i have that, it only takes time
to accept reality
for what it is.

and it hurts,

it hurts,

but it doesn't stop being true
no matter how much i try

to erase it.


iii.

the contradictions have to be kept inside,
where they'll boil until only fumes are left.

i can't share them right now
(not with you).

i need clarity as much as my doctors do

or this waiting will feed me with doubts
about everything i've tried to prove to them.Β 

they want my certainty so much
that they're putting up
roadblocks

to slow me down

and if i let my hopes propel me forward,
i'll crash straight into them.

so i wait. and i hurt.

the doubts crumble into dust,
then i inhale them again.

(i want the future more than anything,
but i'm scared

i'm waiting for nothing).


iv.

while i wait i live in an in-between
and every day

i have to justify who i am
to my surroundings.

they don't keep their doubts inside,
but present them to me like offerings,

then demand answers in return.

(i try to be grateful that they
question before they condemn,

but i'm tired).


v.

finally,

i'm allowed to
start living.

i'm vibrating with my truth
and i want more of it.
i want to inhale
every fragment of it

and let it sustain me.

but it takes time for it to
settle into my bones

it feels like waiting
all over again.

but this time
there is no doubt

polluting my vision.

i can look back
and see clearly

without disregarding
every memory
that doesn't fit
seamlessly

into the tale
i've told.

past and present
swing back and forth

like a pendulum.

and it's all there
it's all true -

facing it
only hurts

when i forget
i'm still

in motion.
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Comments: 54

EternalSunday In reply to ??? [2017-10-10 12:33:46 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

pulbern [2017-09-27 22:45:24 +0000 UTC]

This was beautifully written! Brought tears to my eyes. I think trans folks experience similar issues in my province in Canada as well. Thanks for sharing your talent!!!!!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to pulbern [2017-09-29 23:03:20 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

FuzzyHoser [2017-09-25 20:46:19 +0000 UTC]

That ending is everything.

Brave and wonderful work. We need voices like yours.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to FuzzyHoser [2017-09-25 21:49:55 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

PennedinWhite [2017-09-23 15:42:14 +0000 UTC]

A beautiful read. My support is always forthcoming in these instances and many others. It is a shame how difficult it is for so many to live their lives as they feel they should be lived.Β 

Thanks so much for sharing and congratulations!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to PennedinWhite [2017-09-23 18:39:35 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

PennedinWhite In reply to EternalSunday [2017-09-24 11:39:50 +0000 UTC]

My pleasure.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Areejs [2017-09-23 05:26:09 +0000 UTC]

Really well written!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to Areejs [2017-09-23 18:39:42 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

KCKinny [2017-09-23 04:50:50 +0000 UTC]

Ironically, I know what it's like to be discriminated against despite not actually being that which was the object of hatred. Constantly proving a negative (you don't have any proof you're not) or constantly proving an intangible (are you an honest person? prove it.) is exhausting and mind-spinning.
It's a good write.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Salmacis123 [2017-09-23 02:59:40 +0000 UTC]

This is extremely well written. Congratulations!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to Salmacis123 [2017-09-23 03:00:34 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Starlight-Destiny [2017-09-23 01:07:50 +0000 UTC]

I do not share your opinions, but I appreciate the work you put into this piece. It is well done.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

LostGryphin [2017-09-22 23:54:52 +0000 UTC]

Very powerful - Congrats on the DD.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to LostGryphin [2017-09-23 01:59:11 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

salyssong [2017-09-22 22:11:29 +0000 UTC]

I may not have same view as you but i can still appritiate a good poem.
Everyone has their own values and their own hieritige to be proud of.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

morriebunned [2017-09-22 21:32:15 +0000 UTC]

Really cool deviation!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to morriebunned [2017-09-23 02:07:04 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

BrendaCarriere [2017-09-22 19:38:22 +0000 UTC]

I'm fortunate enough to be in a place that is a little easier on the gate keeping, but this thing is so deeply true I cried.

Best wishes on your journey, dude!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to BrendaCarriere [2017-09-23 01:59:45 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

CircuitCircusDL [2017-09-22 18:08:28 +0000 UTC]

I read the title and was like, "wait! Could this possibly be about-" and then I read it and cried because this is so relatable to me right now.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to CircuitCircusDL [2017-09-23 02:01:31 +0000 UTC]

Thank you

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

RTNightmare [2017-09-22 14:06:41 +0000 UTC]

This is relatable on more levels than just transferring from one gender identity to another. This is the story of many trying to find solutions. Granted, you used a few specifics, but people with similar issues related to identity or change in general can read this and understand, too.Β 

I bow my head in respect. I hope you get the treatment and live your life as you wish to. Don't let others force you to be something you feel you are not. Lastly, thank you for writing this. A well deserved DD.Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to RTNightmare [2017-09-23 02:03:59 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad this piece can be relatable even for people who aren't trans.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

RTNightmare In reply to EternalSunday [2017-09-23 17:58:12 +0000 UTC]

It truly is. Thank you for sharing it and keep up the awesome work!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

CadaverCrafts [2017-09-22 12:13:11 +0000 UTC]

This was very relatable and almost hard to read because it's so emotional, but i think that's a good thing because it means your words were able to capture that feeling so well. Congrats on the DD

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to CadaverCrafts [2017-09-23 02:04:13 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Haegun [2017-09-22 09:11:45 +0000 UTC]

My partner and I have started a new group , and I have sent an invitation for your excellent piece to find a home with us.Β 

We are hoping to provide a place where people can tell their stories, biographical or fictional, rather than the make-believe fantasy things that one finds on many of the other TG sites. It is also obvious that you have talent, so I also invite you to become a member.Β 

Thsnk you, and well done.Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to Haegun [2017-09-23 02:06:12 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

I'll go join now, I've been looking for groups like this.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

Haegun In reply to EternalSunday [2017-09-23 02:19:17 +0000 UTC]

VΓ€lkommen. Glad to have you.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

GDeyke [2017-09-22 08:47:16 +0000 UTC]

I love this. Thank you.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to GDeyke [2017-09-23 02:06:23 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

JassysART [2017-09-22 08:28:01 +0000 UTC]

Β  I would be happy if you join my group

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

EricVonSchweetz [2017-09-22 07:29:18 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations on the DD!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to EricVonSchweetz [2017-09-23 02:06:33 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

LiliWrites [2017-09-22 07:15:11 +0000 UTC]

I would like to give you a giant, yet gentle hug. I am so sorry that our world still questions whether or not you know who you are. But I am very happy that you've finally started on the journey you need to take. I hope its lows are eclipsed by its highs. Congratulations on your well-deserved DD. Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to LiliWrites [2017-09-23 02:06:55 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

LiliWrites In reply to EternalSunday [2017-09-24 08:11:34 +0000 UTC]

Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Domaex [2017-09-03 18:09:34 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful piece!Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to Domaex [2017-09-04 07:47:30 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

l-Zoopy-l [2017-09-02 20:13:28 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful

Be brave, event if it hurts, it's worth it, you're worth it !

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to l-Zoopy-l [2017-09-04 07:51:27 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

aquagirl7 [2017-09-02 17:50:50 +0000 UTC]

Β Β Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to aquagirl7 [2017-09-04 07:49:24 +0000 UTC]

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

rinaeutu [2017-09-02 05:33:07 +0000 UTC]

i don't know if it's necessary, but i commend you for writing this poem. besides it being great, your own personal account, having a perfect ending and all, you've effectively, in the most sincerest emotional way, described a reality faced by many men and women, girls and boys, who have and are on their journey to transition. for that, thank you so much

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to rinaeutu [2017-09-02 12:38:21 +0000 UTC]

Hearing that means a lot. Thank you.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

BlackBowfin [2017-09-02 01:28:31 +0000 UTC]

Well done. Β I really like how you left it still moving at the end.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

EternalSunday In reply to BlackBowfin [2017-09-02 01:37:48 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! Yeah, it felt strange to write an ending to a story that is very much still happening. I'm glad you liked that bit.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

BlackBowfin In reply to EternalSunday [2017-09-02 03:28:26 +0000 UTC]

I think that's a much-underappreciated piece of magic, keeping the poem alive an resonating even after the words themselves run out. Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0


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