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RangavarQueer
#asexual #gender #lgbt #saga #sexuality #trans #transgender #transman #agender #lgbtqa #sexualities #nonbinary #transmasculine
Published: 2017-07-22 03:37:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 12458; Favourites: 98; Downloads: 0
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Description When I started preschool, I was a loner, because none of the boys wanted to play with me. I only had a few friends, mostly out of the other boys who were loners.
I didn't want to play with the girls. They liked boring games. None of them wanted to play with dinosaurs, and they thought kickball was stupid.

I eventually learned that girls were supposed to like pink, and that boys weren't allowed to. I've hated the color ever since. I don't even know if I genuinely hate it, or if I hate everything society has made it to be. They have become inseparable in my mind.

There was a girl at my elementary school who had short hair. Everyone mistook her for a boy. I tried to hang out with her and acted like we were friends.
We weren't. I was just jealous.

When I started to develop my own clothing preferences, my mom wouldn't let me wear black t-shirts. She said that black wasn't a color for little girls. I was so mad. I didn't see any difference, and decided it was all just unfair.
I'm 22 years old. I'm still mad.

I tried to sneak into the boys' restroom one time. I was too young to know why they were separate, or what a urinal was, or what boys needed in order to use one. I was simply curious.
I ran into a boy on his way out. He and his friends made fun of me for "trying to peek". I remember being teased more than I remember whatever the "actual" punishment was. I was still curious to try the boy's restroom, but was too scared of what people would think if I were caught again.

Sex education occurred in fifth grade. While asking my mom questions about pregnancy after school, the topic of morning sickness came up. She mentioned that she decided not to get morning sickness, and so she didn't.
I decided that I wouldn't get breasts.
It didn't work.

In middle school, everyone suddenly started dating. My friends started asking who my crush was, and I panicked, because I didn't have one. I sat down one night, drawing out tables and charts, trying to decide on the least ugly male in 6th grade. (Very hard.)
I did everything right. I flirted, acted embarrassed, whispered his name when asked The Question. Every now and then, I could change the answer. Playing along was easy.
I wondered when it would become real.

By eighth grade, I thought that the only way to have breasts removed was to have cancer.
I began to wonder how I could fake cancer.
I didn't know that transitional surgery was an option. I hate myself for such dark thoughts, but I also hate society for failing me.

A boy asked me out in high school. After several weeks of dating, I shaved my legs for the first time. My mom was very relieved, after all her "subtle" hints that everyone could see I didn't shave, and everyone noticed. "People talk," she told me. I don't shave anymore, so I'm sure they still do.

I remember seeing my first transgender person on TV. My mom told me he used to be a girl, but got surgery to be a boy. I didn't know people could do that. It was cool that he was allowed to be a boy now, but I couldn't imagine ever having surgery just to get a penis. Worth it? No way.

During conversation, my mom mentioned to watch out for boys, because they all wanted sex so badly. She said that was why teenagers were always having sex, which was very bad.
I asked why girls didn't just say No when their boyfriends asked for sex, if girls never wanted to have sex.
She said "I don't know."
Asexuality is hereditary, and sometimes I wonder if I inherited mine.
If I did, my mom would never admit it. I just know I grew up hoping that I might be normal after all, no matter how many people at school asked me why I hadn't had sex yet.
Compared to my friends, I thought something was wrong with me.

When I was almost sixteen, I got my first computer. I loved communicating via typing. In the early, awkward stages of making online friends, at least half asked if I were a boy. I felt a deep satisfaction every time, even though I didn't know why.
I was always disappointed if they thought I were a girl.

On a field trip, I met a friendly girl at our lunch table who mentioned playing soccer. She got kicked off the soccer team during puberty. We were confused, and she explained that as a little kid, her parents cut her hair short and gave a fake name because her school only had a boy's team. I wondered why my parents couldn't have let me cut my hair and choose a nickname.
I'd always wanted a nickname. My name didn't fit right.

When people asked  me to guess their gender online, I always asked if they were a boy, even if I knew they weren't. "Girl" had always hit me like an insult. I thought that they would rather be guessed a boy than a girl, like I did.
I was wrong.

Late high school, I got really into wearing hats. I wore them normally during the day. However, in the privacy of my bedroom, I used to secretly wind all of my hair up as tight as it would go, and attempt to stuff it under my hat in a way that stayed. My hair was always too thick to hide entirely, and the hat never sat correctly on top of it. I didn't look like a boy.
I looked like a girl, failing to hide her hair under a hat.

One time, an online stranger referred to me by male pronouns. I made no comment on it when responding, and felt giddy all night.
A friend saw, and "corrected" the stranger.
I was so mad at that friend.

I was floored when I first saw the word "asexuality" used to describe humans. Everything suddenly made sense.
Maybe I wasn't broken after all.

Age seventeen, I reluctantly joined Facebook. Instead of my legal name, picked a name that was neutral, a name that I liked and that didn't reveal my gender. It felt good to try on. I ended up trying it on for five years after that.
It stuck, by the way.

My freshman year of college, an adult male decided that he was The Cure™ to asexuality. He thought that if I found out sex was Good™ I would want to have it with him all the time. He wanted to make me understand, through force or otherwise, so that I'd realize what a Huge Favor he had done for me, and I would finally be Freed™ to give him all the sex he wanted.
Strangely, even though it didn't seem possible, I felt even more asexual afterwards than before.
He broke up with me.

After turning eighteen, my best friend came out to me as genderfluid, and said she might even want to transition in the future. I had to ask what that word meant. When I got home, I read up on it for hours and hours. I eventually came across the terms "agender" and "nonbinary". The definitions were the story of my life.
It was nice finally finding labels that fit like a glove, in sharp contrast to the ill-fitting shoes I'd been trying to cram onto my feet ever since I began walking down the horrendous path of my life.

Under the guise of cosplaying, I bought my first binder. I chose to be honest with my mom when it arrived in the mail, although I claimed it was to play a male character; which was true of the upcoming convention I would attend. She seemed accepting of it. I tried it on "to practice for the convention," and was secretly thrilled by the results.
Later that night, at the family dinner table, she announced that I had to show everyone what I had gotten. At first I thought she was joking. She was not. I had never been asked to strip naked in front of my family before; especially not my brother or father. Perhaps due to being startled, I somehow found the courage to say No.
She was furious; my other family members were simply confused. I excused myself, and was able to escape to a friend's house for comfort and safety. In the solitude of the car, I cried.

On campus, I joined a Christian club. I'd had the label slapped on me since birth, but was finally learning about my own religion for the first time.
One of the other members of the group was gay. The secretary was a lesbian. The president was bisexual. I had been taught to believe that God rejected those who were not born straight, but suddenly, I began to wonder, if maybe my parents were wrong.
Maybe I were still worthy of love after all.

Several summers into college life, I finally cut my hair. I'd always wanted short hair, ever since meeting that girl in elementary school, who proved that having short hair looked great on any gender. I'd been putting it off out of fear.
It felt even better than expected.
Finally.

I started shopping in the mens' section at stores, occasionally. At first, when my parents noticed, they didn't like me doing that either.
Eventually, they started giving me my brother's hand-me-downs.
Progress, not perfection.

During senior year, I found another person with the same sexuality and gender as me. We dated for several months. I felt powerful, walking down the street holding their hand. We were everything that society hated in romantic partners; Same sex, gender nonbinary, asexual, interracial. Merely existing, we were spitting in society's bleak face.
Looking back, I think we only dated for that reason. It was comforting to find someone finally alike, someone else who understood. A person who agreed that we belonged. That we had a right to be here.
It wasn't enough for a relationship.

While accidentally high, I mentioned top surgery to my mom, and then promptly forgot.
She did not forget. She exploded about it three weeks later, apparently having let it simmer all that time.
I didn't change my mind. One of these days, I am giving "Them" an eviction notice.
People can complain, but no one can stop me.

Recently, to the last few people who did not know, I asked to be called by my true name instead of my birth name. My parents say they are trying. The only others who struggle are my coworkers, who had been working with me for six years before learning my name.
What nobody realizes is that it is hard for me, too.

But it is time to transform.

I feel that my entire life has led up to my discovery of myself.
Figuring out who I am, in spite of all the negativity society has thrown at me.
The negativity towards the LGBT+ community.

It needs to stop

We need to live

We need to be free
Related content
Comments: 90

woodskip60406 [2023-02-22 05:00:06 +0000 UTC]

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SolunaSoLYLuna [2019-02-11 13:31:26 +0000 UTC]

*why is there no happily crying emoji??? AAAAAAAH* OH MY GOSH THIS ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!! I already considered myself genderqueer, but this gives me more confidence. A LOT more. Thank you for sharing your story! Also, the part about not liking/hating/being offended by people assuming you're a girl, I get it.
THANK YOOOOOUUUUU!!!

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Rangavar In reply to SolunaSoLYLuna [2019-03-19 01:31:38 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! I'm glad if I could help

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ArmorFelix2012 [2018-03-11 20:16:34 +0000 UTC]

It sounds like you had a messed-up life because you were pressured to fit into a certain role; it's sad that you had to get into a war with with yourself over things as trivial as color selection and boob-spouting.

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stellartcorsica [2018-02-25 10:16:28 +0000 UTC]

You deserve to be happy the most important is what you are inside. You are awesome never forget it !! Your story touches me a lot !

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Rangavar In reply to stellartcorsica [2019-03-19 01:04:27 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much! <3

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SilenceTheFox [2018-02-16 01:42:47 +0000 UTC]

I love this

But asexuality is not hereditary

I remember when I told my mom I wasn't a girl..

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Rangavar In reply to SilenceTheFox [2019-03-19 01:03:24 +0000 UTC]

I know it's unlikely, it's just strange that my mom has views that sound like asexuality. And also I know someone else asexual, who has two other family members also asexual. That in no way means that it's true, since this is a thought based on just two families out of literal billions. It's just something I think about and wanted to include, since if my mom is, then the things about her personal experiences that she's told me would have better context.


 I hope your mom comes around and learns to accept who you are, no one should ever have to be afraid to be themselves. It's a scary world, but hopefully getting better <3

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SilenceTheFox In reply to Rangavar [2019-03-19 20:08:22 +0000 UTC]

Yeah That's an interesting observation, I have noticed that some families have multiple queer persons. Like, my mom is(or was) bisexual, I'm trans and queer, and my younger cousin whos like 5 likes boys and cross-dresses, and I think another younger cousin may be queer or nonbinary as well. 

And she was accepting, it was just scary not knowing if she'd accept me or not. It took my dad a while to accept it, though. I got really depressed but now he calls me his son and everything, and neither of them have accidentally misgendered me  in quite a while.

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Rangavar In reply to SilenceTheFox [2019-04-06 00:49:21 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad to hear it! <3


(sorry if my reply sort of came out of nowhere, too, I don't visit dA a lot (many hateful comments on this piece of writing.) But some of the comments really speak to me in a good way, and they matter, even if they're from a long time ago)

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mightmoveaccounts [2018-02-05 10:47:53 +0000 UTC]

Haters going to hate.
Cool story, bro.

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BeccaJS [2018-02-04 20:06:12 +0000 UTC]

When I first read this, I found it just honest- and it wasn't laden with purple prose or analogy it was honest. The writing standard was there too.

The content will always split responses, and I apologise that because I chose to feature this, you have had a few responses that are not constructive. People are entitled to have an opinion, but some are vulgar and rude and that is not fair when you have just laid out something personal on the table. I hope you are a strong enough person to skim past those comments and focus on those who have given comments about how the relate to this, how God loves you and that you are not alone. These are the important things.

Congratulations on the DD, its always hard when choosing personal pieces but this stood with merit and good writing too. Thank you

Becca

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Hoikoinoi [2018-02-04 14:34:05 +0000 UTC]

I kinda feel like this to

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Rangavar In reply to Hoikoinoi [2019-03-19 01:05:41 +0000 UTC]

You'll spend your whole life learning new things about yourself <3

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psycocat [2018-02-04 02:41:41 +0000 UTC]

First, Congrats on the DD.  It is a great honor.

If you're still wondering about whether or not God loves you, you can stop.  I want you to stop worrying about that.  You are loved.  His creations are endless, and He made them for you.  Your worth to Him is endless.

I know you may not need or want the following but I like to cite my statements where possible and this is a topic I take very seriously.  Also note I am not trying to change your religion or even whether or not you still believe in God (seriously, we've only just met).  This is not intended to be a sermon.  If I over step my bounds, let me know and I will edit my remarks.  I would not want to leave anything here you would object to.

1 John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.

Matt. 5:45 [...] he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

Isaiah 54:10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.

D&C 18:10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God

"Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.  God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."
You Matter to Him by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

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frostbite2308 [2018-02-04 02:40:13 +0000 UTC]

This is so good! Many respects for openly sharing your experiences on here I hope all goes well for you and that you can find the perfect place to fit. I also wanted to acknowledge your inclusion of Christian LGBT+ support as a Christian supporter myself, I despise the label that as a Christian Ī cannot support LGBTQ, despite a hand full of my friends being in the community, so I truly thank you for helping to rip this label off me. God Bless. 

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NomNomidraw [2018-02-04 02:35:49 +0000 UTC]

Thank u :3

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Yagudayev1 [2018-02-04 02:27:44 +0000 UTC]

Aweosme story! I am Genderqueer as well, and I feel that I am both male and female. I have tried to come out to my parents, but they shunned me for it, and they mention that I probably have those kind of thoughts because of my "disability". Shame on those abelist, homophpbic and transphobic assholes. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I got a little bit emotional reading it. 😢 But trans liberation will come soon! 😊

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Dragonfly1995 [2018-02-04 00:35:18 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience (: 
And, I am sorry that you've had to deal with negative comments both irl and on here. I hope more positive comes

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Memnalar [2018-02-04 00:18:14 +0000 UTC]

I admire you. For what you wrote here, for everything you did and endured, and are still enduring (even right here in certain comments), and for everything you have yet to endure to live your life as you deserve.

Best of luck to you.

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neurotype-on-discord [2018-02-04 00:17:45 +0000 UTC]

I hate myself for such dark thoughts, but I also hate society for failing me.

This line is fantastic


Also, thanks for sharing your experience here - I think a lot of people don't realize that being trans* isn't as simple as just flipping completely to the other end of the gender spectrum.

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MaxiCreep In reply to neurotype-on-discord [2018-02-04 10:55:18 +0000 UTC]

No its just some stupid line with no substance what so ever i cant find the meaning

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neurotype-on-discord In reply to MaxiCreep [2018-02-04 15:07:58 +0000 UTC]

If you can't find the meaning, don't whinge about it.

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MaxiCreep In reply to neurotype-on-discord [2018-02-04 15:21:28 +0000 UTC]

No thats stupid do you live like that? You are weak xD liveing in a big circle jerk what a life if this is how you think you are agianst democracy communist much or some nazi?? xD

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neurotype-on-discord In reply to MaxiCreep [2018-02-04 16:12:26 +0000 UTC]

You're blathering. Calm down.

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MaxiCreep In reply to neurotype-on-discord [2018-02-04 16:14:29 +0000 UTC]

Lol why im 100% sure you Reported so what ever

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neurotype-on-discord In reply to MaxiCreep [2018-02-04 16:15:07 +0000 UTC]

Then why are you still here?

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eMshimmer [2018-02-04 00:01:23 +0000 UTC]

This is simply beautiful.
I love it.
*insert garbled noises of stuff(you get what I mean right)*
Also ignore those *cough assholes cough* people who are being just plain rude and disrespectful about it. Your amazing! This is amazing!
Just keep being amazing!

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Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-03 23:18:49 +0000 UTC]

This was pointless because you just want to feel special and I find that insulting because you aren't being you're self you just want attention like you said on this same post you really need to seek god prayer and get rid of these awful ways this society is built on how special you can get and not be like other and I find this hugely insulting you my religion please fix your ways and learn about god and he will forgive you no matter what.

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-04 01:33:32 +0000 UTC]

Run on sentence much? Fix your writing before you comment on someone-elses. 

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-04 03:57:22 +0000 UTC]

Sorry but i would enjoy i you gave valid criticism to my points hun

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-04 17:40:38 +0000 UTC]

Nothing you said constructively added anything. You didn't even give any helpful feedback, you were just plain rude to the writer. I find what you say to be completely insulting to my religion on that subject. I think you should be kinder to people if you want to spread your religion "hun." 

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-04 22:34:11 +0000 UTC]

I have been what you are saying hasn't been adding anything

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-04 23:19:00 +0000 UTC]

Okay I'm done trying to reason with you, clearly you have no valuable input.
Hope you have a good day Bless your little heart.

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-04 23:24:01 +0000 UTC]

Bless your non existence heart to :3

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-04 23:25:18 +0000 UTC]

Too*

Wow, your grammar is atrocious. 

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-04 23:29:15 +0000 UTC]

No you don't use too unless you talking about something big or something fast and etc look up what these words mean

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-04 23:55:25 +0000 UTC]

Oh sweetie let me help you. "To is a preposition with several meanings, including “toward” and “until.” Too is an adverb that can mean “excessively” or “also.”"

Just to be clear: two is pronounced the same as to and too, but it can't be used instead of either of them because it's a number. In case you didn't realise

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-04 23:58:33 +0000 UTC]

I said you to dumb ass not a number and even then what the fuck are you talking about of course to has several meanings and i used it right but too doesn't look it up on google

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-05 00:07:05 +0000 UTC]

Your anger is showing sweetheart, don't get too worked up

You must be so confused, it's okay, writing is clearly a challenge for you.

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-05 00:15:35 +0000 UTC]

Erm i can see your pretty mad right now since your using the words sweetheart and is attempting to make comebacks to make your self-seem stronger then you really are and are you still mad that you dont even know what to and too mean again?

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LashelleValentine In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-05 00:25:07 +0000 UTC]

Baby girl I explained it to you but if you still don't get it there's no helping you.

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to LashelleValentine [2018-02-05 00:32:52 +0000 UTC]

Aww yeah like you explained self loathing teenager

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labX12 In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-04 00:43:03 +0000 UTC]

 poke poke literature are you a writer?

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to labX12 [2018-02-04 03:56:56 +0000 UTC]

Yes and what about it?

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labX12 In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-05 01:44:27 +0000 UTC]

I'm looking for writers and artists for a comic book idea for Kickstarter.

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Poke-poke-Literature In reply to labX12 [2018-02-05 01:45:41 +0000 UTC]

Really? i would love to help out! :3

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labX12 In reply to Poke-poke-Literature [2018-02-07 13:51:25 +0000 UTC]

The kickstarter is still on the ground and I don't have a lot of money.

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NightArcher55 [2018-02-03 22:02:31 +0000 UTC]

I relate to a lot about what you said and I am so happy that you wrote this. People need to be aware of these feelings and know that it doesn’t mean you’re broken. I love what you wrote about that Christian club and that is so cool. Since coming out as transgender and asexual my mother has always fought with me on religion, so seeing that there are people in the community who are Christians is really helpful and inspiring. Thank you!

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sometjgdf [2018-02-03 20:49:00 +0000 UTC]

on A FFFFFF....!!! ART VEBSITE

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