Comments: 37
oathkeeper-auctor [2009-12-03 00:09:13 +0000 UTC]
I noticed one typo;
ha says and his voice breaks
but other than that both pieces are good.
Though one thing that left me confused was, why would Cindy just stare at Dan, when it turns out they both have the same fear of forgetting their first date?
I know this isn't obvious to her, but I don't feel her response is explained :/
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oathkeeper-auctor In reply to GirlWithAHat [2009-12-03 22:02:33 +0000 UTC]
Ah okay, it's more of a stunned stare, than 'what the . . ?'
Yeah, it can be hard when you've got to squeeze your story into a wordcount.
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Spasm101 [2009-11-26 07:17:03 +0000 UTC]
mm.. what can I say? =l
In Cindy's POV I assumed she was a teenager (which threw me off in Dan's POV). "The man she is meeting for the first time today smiles at her over the table and she feels herself fall in love with his pit marks already.
" HUH? "for the first time today" implies that she's seen him before. take out the "today" if they're meeting for the first time. and, begging your pardon, but what the heck are pit marks? (they make me feel like she's falling in love with sweatstains on his shirt... =[=;; cuz I'm lame like that) "It would be too shameful if she couldn't remember anything ..." ... say that out loud, right now. "would be too shameful if she couldn't remember..." ..it sounds wooden, like you know what you wanna say but you don't know how to say it. "He would think she DIDN'T think anything of him at all."
(Dan's side now) "Feeling his hands become all sweaty he considers changing his plan for today." You don't have to say "become all sweaty"; you could simplify that with "Feeling his hands perspire..." which sounds better as a whole, in my opinion. "changing his planS FOR today." just lettin' you know... "Before he can find a solution she is sitting on the chair across from him." get rid of that "on the chair" because you don't need it (often after I've written a sentence, I look over it again and see how many prepositions I smuggled in there. take out the prepositions, and my sentence becomes completely naked. see if you can find something better and more fluent than prepositions; they're only extra coats on a perfectly well-dressed sentence.) Oh, and "Before he can find a solution" needs a comma after it (I think... but I could be wrong on that one) "but he feels his voice break under the burden of those trivial words." eliminate that "but". >.< You don't need it when you can just capitalize "he" and make that phrase its own sentence! =O "...enchanting him with HER voice and smile." "RelieF and pride spread through him." "But then nervousness and fear take over again." BUT THEN. >O But then what? No! Exterminate that phrase, because it only makes the sentence a fragment, and heaven knows fragments aren't fun because SpellCheck always catches them and slaps you with them! bah... "Suddenly it seems that his voice has left him. He cannot do that..." why does it seem that way? To Dan, that's reality. he HAS lost his voice momentarily. Cannot do what? It's like he's asking Cindy to sacrifice herself..(either that, or I'm sleep-deprived and it's tipping my hand..) "In a moment of panic he reaches for his bag. The easy way out, then, although he feels extremely stupid doing this. And where is the notepad? Ah, there! Dan grabs it and puts in on the table. And there's his pen, too. He starts writing, torn between his urge to rush this and the need to write clearly.
He hears her say his name and a shudder runs down his spine. He shakes his head, trying not to look at her. Then he pushes the notepad towards her and stares at his hands while she reads, ashamed like a schoolboy. " Okay, first sentence of that passage. My English teacher taught me how to place commas around prepositions. 4, 2, Time. This means that after a four word preposition, after two prepositional phrases in a row, and after the prep. phrase is telling time (like, "At 9:45" or something like that). kay? So there's a comma after "In a moment of panic". Next sentence: why is that the easy way out? What IS the easy way out? why does he feel stupid? "And where is his notepade? Ah, there it is!" is another paragraph altogether. Then, "Dan grabs it..." is the next paragraph. "He hears her say his name" .. rawh.... say it out loud. "he hears her say his name" ... "he hears his name..." ... okay... why isn't Dan gonna look at Cindy? (that's the main question everyone's gonna bug you about, btw. "why" or "why not") ah, "ashamed like a school boy", just like Kira73 said. why's he ashamed? why would a school boy be ashamed? where's the connection there?
--
I don't hate this piece. I'm just really nitpicky when it comes to critiquing. I say the more it gets revised the better it'll become, and the better it becomes then the closer you get to reaching your full potential as a writer. so... yeah, that's how it goes, I guess. hope you take my words to heart. ^^
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GirlWithAHat In reply to Spasm101 [2009-11-26 12:35:32 +0000 UTC]
Hey, thank you for your critique!
CINDY
I already realised that "pit mark" is not a commonly known phrase, although my dictionary didn't say it wasn't. Stupid thing. I think I'll make a poll about that to figure out if anybody knows the term. It's the same as dimples, by the way.
Are you sure that "for the first time today" is absolutely wrong? I know you can interpret it as "she has seen him before, but not today", but I really like the alliteration. If it is grammatically wrong in English, I'll change it of course, and keep in mind that only Germans say it.
I know that especially parts of Cindy's POV don't flow and I'm already planning on rewriting it. Thanks for your additional hints there.
DAN
"perspire" is a good word, thanks. Sometimes I just forget and use difficult descriptions instead.
I wrote "changing his planS" first and then changed it, because it was only one plan. Stupid of me, I'll change it back.
He pulls himself together: "Cindy. Good to finally meet you," but he feels his voice break under the burden of those trivial words. I want this to be one sentence, therefore I need the "but". It would be easier to see without his spoken words in the middle... I'll see what I can do about it.
Dan's situation is that he wants to have a written conversation with Cindy, because otherwise he'd forget about their date the next day (he's bad at memorising spoken information). He has not told her that before and doesn't know how to ask her whether she would mind that now. The "easy way out" is just writing it down, because he has lost his voice and can't say it.
This is probably not easy to understand for everyone...
When I imagined Dan giving Cindy the note pad and staring at his hands waiting for her reaction, the first term to describe it that came to my mind was "ashamed like a school boy". Pupils lower their gaze when they are embarrassed or ashamed. Grown-ups just don't do it, at least not as often.
Cindy and Dan are both adults, but their nervousness leads to them feeling - and appearing - more like teenagers.
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Spasm101 In reply to GirlWithAHat [2009-11-27 01:06:56 +0000 UTC]
CINDY
well... "first time today". If they're meeting on a date, and they're friends from the internet, then shouldn't this be the first time they're meeting each other IN PERSON? I don't know if it's grammatically wrong, but it doesn't sit well in my mind to have that there. (I mentally edit it out whenever I read this piece.)
DAN
He pulls himself together: "Cindy. Good to finally meet you," but he feels his voice break under the burden of those trivial words. Take out the dialogue and say it out loud. these two clauses have to be two separate sentences; they're just too remote and too contradictory to fit in the same sentence, and "but" is a bad conjunction for them. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work.
...okay, I get that now that you've explained it ("like an ashamed schoolboy") but I shouldn't have to have you explain it, that's the thing. I know it seems right cuz it's the first thing that came to mind, but I still think you should elaborate.
Okay, they can feel more like teenagers, but don't let the audience get tricked into thinking they're teenagers, just fyi.
hope the revisions go well~
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crazyinyoureyes [2009-11-26 03:56:53 +0000 UTC]
First i want to say that i haven't read the rules of this workshop yet(i know, i'm lazy)so some of the things i mention might be part of that without me realizing it, so sorry in advance.
i very much like the way you've balanced the two characters, leading the reader to believe that they're not just on a blind date, but more like an internet or pen pal kind of relationship. In a way you're mentioning their past without actually telling it, and it still comes through very clear. i agree with Kira73, you seem much more involved with Dan's character, so you might want to get more involved with Cindy's. It is good to see that both of them are so nervous; i've read a few different things that have one character or the other being very confident, and i'm glad you've made it more realistic this way.
All in all, i like what you've done here. Good job!
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Kira73 [2009-11-26 02:17:42 +0000 UTC]
Hey there. Here to crit from
I do my crits copy edit style. Suggestions/questions are in caps/brackets.
~~~
Cindy sits down opposite him, hiding her shaking hands under the table. She can’t remember when she [has...I KNOW YOU’RE WRITING PRESENT TENSE, BUT I THINK THIS STILL NEEDS TO BE HAD SINCE IT’S REFERRING TO A PAST INCIDENT. NOT SURE. I’M NO GOOD WITH THIS TENSE.] [lastUNNEEDED] been so nervous, but she knows a thousand things could go wrong [here and nowASSUMED].
The man she is meeting for the first time today smiles at her over the table and she [feels herselfUNNEDED AND TAKES OUT OUT OF HER HEAD, RATHER THAN DEEPER INTO IT] fall[S] in love with his [pit marks...HUH?] already.
“Cindy,” he says, his voice soft and steady. “Good to finally meet you.”
She [feels herselfHERE TOO. NOT THE WAY TO A DEEPER POV] blush[ES] slightly and fights to return his smile. “Nice to meet you, too, Dan.”
‘Concentrate!’ she shouts at herself [silentlyASSUMED SINCE YOU JUST SAID SHE SHOUTED AT HERSELF], knowing her problem [to stay...IMO, THIS WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE, AND FLOW BETTER, IF YOU USED ‘STAYING’] focused. It would be too shameful if she couldn’t remember anything of their first date tomorrow. He would think she [doesn’t...’DIDN’T’] care for him at all.
A waitress appears at their table[: IMPROPER PUNCTUATION. SHOULD BE A PERIOD.] “What do you want to drink?” [She is young and gorgeous. Much better looking than Cindy. TELLING NOT SHOWING. ALL THESE ARE OBJECTIVE WORDS THAT LEAD TO VAGUENESS.]
“One cappuccino for me, please, and a hot chocolate for my date, I think?” replies Dan.
Cindy looks and him in surprise and nods, too stunned to speak. [WHY?]
[The waitress leaves, after throwing her a derogatory look...IMO, THIS WOULD READ BETTER IF YOU REVERSED THESE PHRASES. ‘AFTER THROWING CINDY A DEROGATORY LOOK, THE WAITRESS LEAVES,...], and Cindy returns her attention back to Dan. He is searching his bag for something and after a few seconds puts a notepad on the table. Then he takes out a pen and starts to write. Cindy frowns in irritation, thinking that she lost his attention pretty quickly. A new world record, even.
“Dan?” she asks, but he just shakes his head.
[Then...BE WARY OF USING THEN TOO MUCH WITH YOUR ACTIONS.] he hands the notepad to her. It says: I hope you don’t mind this. I have a real problem remembering what people tell me. So could we [probablyTHIS WORD DOESN’T MAKE SENSE HERE] continue having written conversations, even if we’re both here now?
Cindy just stares at him.
~~~
Dan watches the woman weaving her way through a sea of tables towards him. She is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. [FeelingUNNEEDED] his hands become all sweaty[, AND] he considers changing his plan for today[ASSUMED]. What would be worse, handing her a wet pen [or forgetting everything about this date laterHUH?]?
Before he can find a solution she is sitting on the chair across from him. He pulls himself together[:NEEDS TO BE A PERIOD.] “Cindy. Good to finally meet you[,” butNOT A TAG. NEEDS TO BE A PERIOD AND A CAPITAL ‘BUT’] he feels his voice break under the burden of those trivial words.
“Nice to meet you, too, Dan,” she says, enchanting him with [hisYOU MEAN ‘HER?’] voice and smile. Her slight blush makes her all the more attractive.
“What do you want to drink?”
Dan’s moment of triumph has come [pretty quicklyUNNEEDED AND A DOUBLE ADVERB. GENERALLY FROWNED UPON] and he suppresses a grin. “One cappuccino for me, please, and a hot chocolate for my date, I think?” He smiles at Cindy, who wears a surprised look and nods. Relieve and pride spread through him. He got that right.
But then nervousness and fear take over again. How should he ask her? Suddenly it seems that his voice has left him. He cannot do that...
In a moment of panic he reaches for his bag. The easy way out, [then,UNNEEDED] although he feels extremely stupid doing this. And where is the notepad? Ah, there! Dan grabs it and puts in on the table. And there’s his pen, too. He starts writing, torn between his urge to rush this and the need to write clearly.
He hears her say his name and a shudder runs down his spine. He shakes his head, trying not to look at her. Then he pushes the notepad towards her and stares at his hands while she reads, [ashamed like a schoolboy SIMILE DOESN’T QUITE MAKE SENSE. EMBARRASSED LIKE A SCHOOLBOY? FEELING LIKE A SCHOOLBOY?].
~~~
Very nice. Good to see the man get flustered for a change.
I applaud your used of present tense. It’s a tough one to do. There were a few spots in Cindy’s POV that I wasn’t sure of, but see if anyone else calls you on it. But I have to say I enjoyed Dan’s POV better. You seemed to be a little deeper into his character.
Your dialogue punctuation needs a bit of work but that's a common problem. Try Googling ‘dialogue tags’ and you should find a ton of sites to help you out.
Just a few nitpicks, though. Take or toss. And keep writing.
KM
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GirlWithAHat In reply to Kira73 [2009-11-26 12:10:34 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for your help!
That I chose present tense is something I regretted even while writing. It really is difficult and you're most likely right with the flaws you found there. I will correct them later.
I like Dan's POV better, too. I don't know why, it was somehow much easier. But I also wrote it later, I might have been in a better mood...
Before I go more into your comments, I'd like to aks what you mean with "assumed"? I honestly don't get those parts.
CINDY
I like those "feel herself blush" or similar phrases, because it's how my mind works. It's like watching yourself do something, and I do that all the time. I'll think about rewriting it, though, if more people dislike it.
"pit marks" is what my dictionary says. But you're not the only one not getting that, so I might have to change it to "dimples", although I don't like the sound of that.
"shouts at herself silently" is a stylistic device I think I will keep using. I like that much better than "shouts at herself in her head" or something.
As for the impropper punctuation: I wanted to include the speech into the sentence both times. If it's not possible the way I did it, then I have to include "saying" or some other verb to make it work?
I wasn't abe to describe the waitress, because I was already at max. words. I would have done it differently without the word count restriction, that's for sure.
Cindy is surprised that Dan has remembered her favourite drink (or anything about her at all) from chatting. I had to delete the sentence making that more obvious, too.
DAN
The overall idea behind this is probably difficult to understand... Both Cindy and Dan have problems remembering conversations. They tend to forget everything they talked about with someone the day after. That's why Cindy is so nervous and Dan wants to write rather than talk.
Oh God, I wrote "his" instead of "her"? Yes, that was pretty stupid. Will be changed at once.
"Embarrassed like a schoolboy", then. Thank you.
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Kira73 In reply to GirlWithAHat [2009-11-26 13:39:24 +0000 UTC]
*Before I go more into your comments, I'd like to ask what you mean with "assumed"? I honestly don't get those parts.
Sorry about that. I've critted so much that i tend to be a little too brief. But when I say assumed, it just means that the phrase I highlighted can be assumed by the reader without you having to tell us. It's like saying a soft pillow.
His hands become sweaty, and he considers changing his plan [for today]. In this, the 'for today' can be assumed. Doesn't matter to me whether you leave it in or not. It's your call. I just point it out for prose tightening purposes. In the publishing world, the less words you can say it in, the better.
*I like those "feel herself blush" or similar phrases, because it's how my mind works. It's like watching yourself do something, and I do that all the time. I'll think about rewriting it, though, if more people dislike it.
Again, that's your call. 'Feel' is a filtering device that tends to distance the reader from the character, rather than pull them further into their head. Here's a link for more info, [link] but you can find a boatload of stuff on the net by Googling 'deep pov.'
*"pit marks" is what my dictionary says. But you're not the only one not getting that, so I might have to change it to "dimples", although I don't like the sound of that.
Yeah, I didn't get that one either. Sometimes its best just to go with what it's commonly called, if only to shut everyone up.
*"shouts at herself silently" is a stylistic device I think I will keep using. I like that much better than "shouts at herself in her head" or something.
This was another thing that can be assumed. It's like saying 'I was thinking with my head', or 'walked with my legs'. Not needed. But the main reason I wanted to ditch the 'silently' is because it's an adverb, and those are things you want to avoid unless absolutely needed in your writing.
*As for the improper punctuation: I wanted to include the speech into the sentence both times. If it's not possible the way I did it, then I have to include "saying" or some other verb to make it work?
I'm assuming (there's that word again) you meant the part where the waitress talks?
A waitress appears at their table. She is young and gorgeous. Much better looking than Cindy. "What do you want to drink?"
I just moved your last line is all. It makes better sense there anyway, IMO.
I wasn't able to describe the waitress, because I was already at max. words. I would have done it differently without the word count restriction, that's for sure.
I was reprimanded when I said something similar about length in my piece. The count is not supposed to be strict, just something to shoot for. I still have to go back and add the junk I wanted to say. Limits kill me.
Anyhoo, glad to help. Take care!
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Airveia [2009-11-26 02:03:29 +0000 UTC]
Loved this c: There were a few grammar errors, but they're pretty tiny.
Love the concept, the flow, and the contrast of the two viewpoints <3
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greensandsguy [2009-11-24 17:06:25 +0000 UTC]
hehehehe... süße geschichte!
schön, dass diese bekloppte idee meinerseits wirklich was genützt hat...
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