HOME | DD
haphazardmelody β Metamorphosis
Published: 2013-11-05 22:22:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 748; Favourites: 27; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
I wrote you a letter -tried to phrase a suicide note,
but instead came out
with words that butterfly with hope
and blades that divide decisions
and not wrists. It spoke of love,
of that quiet desperation that I feel
when I am waiting for you to meet my glance,
your averted eyes poised with concentration. It spoke
of how long I waited to build a lifetime
with you, and how in many ways I still am.
It spoke of promises that balloon as uncontrollably
from my chest as panic sometimes drums from
my feet. But mostly,
it spoke of the destructive power of trust;
moment by moment, you destroy my barriers. I
mutilate beyond repair.
Related content
Comments: 23
wow. i love how each phrase leads into the next. brilliant use of words.
π: 0 β©: 1
I'm really glad you liked it. 
π: 0 β©: 0
The last three lines of the second stanza is amazing. I think this poem is so panic-like and ends on such a destructive note. I love it.
π: 0 β©: 1
I had to re-edit those last three lines to get them to be exactly what they should be, so I'm glad they worked for you. 
π: 0 β©: 1
Sometimes it takes a bit of time to get something they way you want it to be. I usually edit my poems at least three more times after uploading.
You're very welcome!
π: 0 β©: 0
I love the changes you've made. It really does seem to flow better. I love the dichotomy you've created in that line now- hope rises while panic flees, one in your heart and the other in your feet, two emotions at once. Very apt descriptions!
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you! I wasn't sure how I felt about using that description because it seems cliche...but it does work a lot better than what I had before, I think. Thank you so much for the validation.
π: 0 β©: 0
This is... brutal. Poems that have 'metamorphosis' anywhere in them always make me think they're about hope or change for the better, shedding old skin, etc., etc. This really, really surprised me, and in a good, no, great way. It's just desperate and harsh and stark and there are so many stunning lines
"I wrote you a letter -
tried to phrase a suicide note,
but instead came out
with words that butterfly with hope
and blades that divide decisions
and not wrists."
"It spoke
of how long I waited to build a lifetime
with you"
and then this, so contrary to what I thought the poem would be about
"as I beat a hasty retreat from change."
The contrast of the title and that line gives me an impression of (not sure if this is quite right) self-deprecation. And yet, she has changed, because of that unsatisfied love that's eating her up from the inside, albeit not for the better. Sort of deteriorating. And crap, there's a better word for what I mean, it's on the tip of my tongue, but I hope you get me. And it's been awhile since I've written a comment this long, this is incredible.
π: 0 β©: 1
It's kind of what I meant. Although I was trying to communicate that the changes have been both good and bad. The last line is meant to be both positive and negative, because changing to the point of being unrecognizable is not always a bad thing. But there is (obviously) a lot of negative in here as well.
Thank you so much for this comment. It made my day.
π: 0 β©: 1
Thanks for clearing that up for me, it's always good to hear about the story/emotions behind a piece straight from the writer.
My pleasure.
π: 0 β©: 0
This is beautiful
I interpreted it as a shy person who would try unsuccessfully to get the attention of this person they like and wish to like more. Their affection, seemingly unnoticed by the the person they feel for, has let down the barriers the narrator has built throughout their life to protect themselves.Β
The narrator seems indecisive and a bit lost in her feelings for the other person - these feeling are obviously strong enough that they are willing to wait to "built a lifetime [together]." It's almost like the other person doesn't see the narrator or realize how the narrator feels for them.
π: 0 β©: 1
I love reading your interpretation of this.
π: 0 β©: 1
Awe you are welcome
π: 0 β©: 0
This piece has emotion, and a strong voice that moves the words forward, but I did find some of your choices in your language a little confusing... the one that struck me as strangest was this bit here, "it spoke of promises that balloon as uncontrollably from my chest as panic sometimes does from my feet". The message gets across, certainly, but I had to stop and consider this idea a few times before I could internalize it. I feel that the word itself you used, 'balloon' seems out of place. We must always be aware of the images our words paint, and sometimes when writing poetry we are so into the flow of it that we may not notice the singular pieces. The image of panic 'ballooning' from your chest is vivid, but trying to imagine panic 'ballooning' from your feet breaks the feel in this unintentionally comic way, and I feel that it detracts a little from the piece's emotional strength. I am also having a bit of a hard time with this line, "your averted eyes poised with concentration". I understand the images you were going for with this, but the line made me stop and ask how exactly eyes can be 'poised', and how one could see this when said eyes are averted? I think this piece has a lot of potential, and I think you are very much on the right track! Your voice is strong, your intentions are clear, your pacing is good. I would suggest expanding your vocabulary as much as you can, and perhaps taking a little longer in fleshing out the imagery you use; stop yourself and try to visualize the reality of the words you are committing to. I really enjoyed reading this, thinking on it, and attempting to express my feelings about it (and how you may possibly improve). Thank you for posting it!Β
π: 0 β©: 2
I changed the phrasing about panic and feet, and I was curious how you felt about the new phrasing.
π: 0 β©: 0
You know, those are the two lines I had the hardest time with. I'm still working them over, so I really really appreciate your insight on this.
This will definitely help me! 
Again, thank you so much. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
π: 0 β©: 0
Β very deep, moving work. its sooo sad though! you have a beautiful writing style
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you so much.
π: 0 β©: 0
This is very good, I so often internalize the poetry I read to the point of it meaning something different for me than it did for the author. Whatever this is about, besides angst, trust, depression, love, and hope, it is surely something else for me. Something different, and something touching. Thank you.Β
π: 0 β©: 1
I suppose that's true. I often get a pretty different meaning out of what I read than what was intended, I think. I'm glad that you liked this.
π: 0 β©: 1
I have tears in my eyes. I can identify with this pretty closely. No suicide notes exactly, but sometimes I want to just write about being sad and it comes out hopeful because I am afraid of being judged or of judging myself. I can also identify with the continual hope you can feel for a person, and you sometimes never know whether all the hoping in the world might make any difference.
π: 0 β©: 1
I definitely relate to you on fear of judgment. But yes, in a way, I am still hopeful and sometimes I'm a little resentful about it. But change is good, even if it's painful.
Thank you for the comment.
π: 0 β©: 0