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vescoillustration [2014-03-09 22:38:10 +0000 UTC]

Umm? Excuse you? When was it ever okay to make me cry???

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MzyLeRouge [2014-03-09 15:32:26 +0000 UTC]

I think this revision wraps everything up much better. While I liked that Sara and Saul were together by the end of this chapter, I think that stuff is better left out for reasons I think we've already discussed in person. The writing was also good, as usual.

Something that I felt could use some revision was when Sara gets upset and starts yelling. Now, I do like how that was written, it just didn't seem like something she would say out loud. I'm talking specifically about: "You're beautiful, you gentle tower, you freckle-faced blusher, you parentheses-smiler - oh, you sad, brilliant, damaged, beautiful boy..."

To me, and of course feel free to ignore this if you really think it belongs, this is too poetic for someone to be broken-heartedly shouting. If you wanted to keep it, perhaps don't have her shout it, as the narrative indicates that she shouts it "without any warning or comprehension at all", which is a little contradictory to what she actually says. Perhaps her outburst could ebb to a quieter, sadder tone again, so it would make sense for this to be said slower. 

Another smaller thing: I wouldn't use the f-bomb in this section of dialogue. Generally when people use that word, it has more of an angry undertone, hence phrases like "Fuck you" and "You fucking idiot". I get that you're having her use one of the worst swear words in the book because she feels very passionate in this moment, but I would use a different swear word or find a way to use no swear words at all. 

Hope those weren't too anal for you - overall I liked it! <3

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