Comments: 23
IntricateSunlight In reply to SubjugatedSandwich [2012-04-22 10:45:32 +0000 UTC]
Thanks, I didn't feel like just saying 'water', so I used water's chemical name instead XD
1st person perspective is extremely effective at skewing everything to the perspective of the narrator, when writing in first person one must keep this in mind that details...are not always what they seem.
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CollectTheBroken [2012-03-02 21:59:31 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for submitting to !
I really like how you always left the reader hanging as to exactly who is the narrator, it creates a lot of intrigue and makes me want to read on. The way you described it, my very first thought was actually a post-apocalyptic setting where humans lived like animals to survive. Quite ironic, considering how in your story the humans were the real beasts, the real monsters who boiled the crawfish alive.
The style you write is also refreshingly simplistic, creating a feeling that the narrator is in no time to talk and fighting for his survival.
The only thing I think which can be changed to make it better is the ending. Though I like how you made it so ironically lighthearted at the end to maximize the desolate feeling of the general story, I didn't really think the conversation was that necessary and it kind of subtracted from the general tone, since it was the only dialogue created throughout the whole story.
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IntricateSunlight In reply to CollectTheBroken [2012-03-02 23:37:24 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much for the critique, I really appreciate that you took time to do it.
That's pretty much exactly what I strove for as I wrote it, to mislead the reader into thinking that the crayfish were actually humans living in a post-apocalyptic setting.I wanted to throw the twist on it at the end to show that the entire time you were seeing things through the eyes of a crayfish being harvested, sorted and cooked up fresh.
I mainly felt that the conversation needed to be there for some reason. I felt that if not, there would be some sort of void in the meaning. Like there would be something lacking.Not to mention that generally people often chat while eating I guess. I wanted to capture a more natural feeling to the scene, as if they are at your everyday seafood restaurant.
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The-Golden-Knight [2011-04-21 15:26:57 +0000 UTC]
When you said the word "bag", it ALL became clear: it's from the perspective of a bug, and the "monsters" are humans! But at the end, I learn I was half-right. What a way to word it...I mean, it does leave me wondering if they think so hard like this...
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alms4purgie [2011-03-21 16:52:13 +0000 UTC]
An interesting way to juxtapose the perspectives. It was also a nice choice in which the writing style went from disorganized to civilized.
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DreamingHero [2011-03-21 15:12:00 +0000 UTC]
Wow the story is cool and stunning and it plays with the mind alot!
I love it^^
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DreamingHero In reply to IntricateSunlight [2011-03-22 14:54:00 +0000 UTC]
I loved it alot ^^
But it also scared me a little..the imagination to be one of those small beings...thrown in an unknown place....it is scaaary!
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IntricateSunlight In reply to DreamingHero [2011-03-22 21:50:11 +0000 UTC]
*nods* Yep..you will wonder what they went to next time you eat some XD
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IntricateSunlight In reply to DreamingHero [2011-03-23 05:13:16 +0000 UTC]
Lol..Whoa, did I really type 'to' instead of 'through'...jeez, I might be losing it.. D:
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DreamingHero In reply to IntricateSunlight [2011-03-25 21:02:05 +0000 UTC]
menat BOX jeez..why is Y and X next to eachother on the german keyboard!
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