Comments: 45
PoetryOD [2013-01-10 22:13:03 +0000 UTC]
Hey there I featured this piece here and just thought I'd let you know.
Thanks!
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nawkaman [2012-12-08 07:00:46 +0000 UTC]
Absolutely loved this. It does very much remind me of Ray Bradbury. Thank you.
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Kiresg In reply to nawkaman [2012-12-09 03:03:18 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it.
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ProphecyCake [2012-12-08 05:48:27 +0000 UTC]
This one really hits home with me. Thanks so much.
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Kiresg In reply to ProphecyCake [2012-12-09 03:03:41 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the kind words!
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FirstSarge [2012-12-08 05:47:52 +0000 UTC]
Well done, good piece. Well written, thought provoking and entertaining.
One issue though. If the gasses are liquid and produce oceans, there won't be an atmosphere to difuse light.
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Kiresg In reply to FirstSarge [2012-12-08 06:03:06 +0000 UTC]
Oh, Roi. Always keeping me down to earth.
Of course, you're right. I need to touch this piece up a bit. Thanks for the keen eye and the kind words.
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magpiesmiscellany [2012-12-08 04:04:50 +0000 UTC]
Nice snap, I love hwo much tone you get in such a short piece.
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AquaMaroonRanger [2012-12-08 04:00:32 +0000 UTC]
Absolutely Beautiful
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Kiresg In reply to AquaMaroonRanger [2012-12-09 03:04:23 +0000 UTC]
Thanks much for the kind words.
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Euxiom [2012-12-08 02:49:27 +0000 UTC]
Ahahaha wow. That's such a fantastic point. Flipping the convention that taking to the stars could change thing, people up there think landing would solve it all.
Great little piece.
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Kiresg In reply to Euxiom [2012-12-09 03:09:55 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the kind words.
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catelee2u [2012-12-08 01:26:53 +0000 UTC]
Great!
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Kiresg In reply to catelee2u [2012-12-09 03:04:37 +0000 UTC]
Thanks!
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NnyorNieorKnee [2012-12-08 01:04:56 +0000 UTC]
I loved it, I really did. Ironic, but nonetheless I enjoyed it. X3 Awesome job~
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Kiresg In reply to NnyorNieorKnee [2012-12-09 03:20:52 +0000 UTC]
Many thanks. Appreciate the kind words.
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skattered-remains [2012-12-08 01:02:05 +0000 UTC]
I this concept and the way it's written - flawless! Congrats on the DD!
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Obsidian-Nightfall [2012-12-07 22:41:21 +0000 UTC]
Listen to Black Sabbath's Planet Caravan.
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Kiresg In reply to Obsidian-Nightfall [2012-12-09 03:45:39 +0000 UTC]
Great tune. I'm a little ashamed for never hearing it until now. Thanks for sharing.
Can't help but wonder whether Sabbath was more successful with Planet Caravan than I was with this piece. Then again, who am I kidding? There's no kick ass guitar solos in my story.
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Kiresg In reply to 0hgravity [2012-12-09 03:12:32 +0000 UTC]
Glad you liked my take on it. Thanks for reading.
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Kiresg In reply to KendraKickz0220 [2012-12-09 03:38:21 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the kind words. There were still quite a few, but everyone's most critical of their own work I suppose.
Glad you enjoyed the story. I think ambiguity and short sci-fi stories go hand in hand, so it's great to know the piece left you wondering.
And I'm definitely enjoying the praise.
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brassteeth [2012-12-07 08:31:55 +0000 UTC]
Solid dialogue work. Congratulations on your D.D!
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Kiresg In reply to brassteeth [2012-12-09 03:20:32 +0000 UTC]
Much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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Kiresg In reply to Lintu47 [2012-12-09 03:14:20 +0000 UTC]
Thanks!
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Sigma-Echo-Seven [2012-06-06 03:57:41 +0000 UTC]
This is an excellent tribute to that classic kind of golden-age science fiction that really made one think. Well done!
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Kiresg In reply to Sigma-Echo-Seven [2012-06-06 14:17:04 +0000 UTC]
I had Bradbury on the brain when I wrote this. Much appreciated.
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stealthyninja21 In reply to Kiresg [2012-12-07 08:31:49 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, this reminds me of Bradbury, I like how it was set in space and I can really see jane and Ellis discussing this..in space. XD nice descriptiv
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Kiresg In reply to stealthyninja21 [2012-12-09 02:59:56 +0000 UTC]
Appreciate it. It's pretty flattering to be likened to such an important name.
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Halatia [2011-11-22 20:18:34 +0000 UTC]
I really like the flavor of the piece; it captures a lot for being so short.
Small Things
<<"Isn't it beautiful?" he asked. "I'll bet it's beautiful on the surface, too. Like the way the dust begins to spiral when a star is forming.">>
Iβm not entirely certain what this bit of dialogue means. Like, the surface looks like the dust spiraling? Or that dust spiraling is also beautiful?
<<< You'd have to pry yourself off the ground and," he paused, thinking. "walk.β >>
I absolutely love this bit.
<>
I know itβs flash fiction so there isnβt a lot of descriptive wiggle room, but phrases like this pop a lot. How> does she show sheβs unimpressed? Just changing this sentence to something that employs and action verb (Jane felt her toes start to curl, the first sign that she was truly getting bored) would go a long way to paint a picture.
Tone
<<"Something like that," Jane said. She didn't understand his excitement. Planets were nothing interesting. They were just stars without the fire; black holes without the absence of color; asteroids with an atmosphere. They were just specks of light that littered the sky. The only remotely interesting thing she knew about planets was that the gas in their atmosphere were extremely lethal.>>
I feel like there is a tone imbalance here. In the majority of her dialogue/internal thoughts, the words and phrasing is short and colloquial, making her sound like a teenage girl (which, I assume, she is). But the second/third sentences make a departure from that into something that is almost poetic (like something Ellis would think/say). It sticks out as at odds with her character, like the narrator putting words in her head that arenβt her own, or at least phrasing them in a way that she would think of doing. I would take another look at these bits to help even out the characterβs voice, both internal and external.
Pacing
Again, I know itβs flash fiction, but I think there is some room to space things out a bit, especially with the help of some physical action. Yes, theyβre floating in space, but are they moving in any way? The first bit of movement we see is Ellis moving to put an arm around her shoulder. By having some active descriptions to break up the narrative even a little might help draw the reader in.
Comparison
What I would really like to see is juxtaposition of where they are to what they are looking at. Not necessarily culturally speaking (I like the small monologue that Ellis makes as a standalone commentary on social issues), but physically. What do they normally see if mountains would be so beautifulβand so beautiful that it changeβs Janeβs opinion. I feel like this could be built with almost throw away lines by Jane who is in the perfect position to have a critical mindset (as sheβs peeved with this whole planet-gazing thing). She thinks about liking black holes and stars, but mountains can really catch her attention, especially after being anti-nature at the beginning? It just seemed a little inconsistent, especially as a pivot point for the character. I think I need more of their world/universe visually in order to really buy the switch out in the end.π: 0 β©: 1
Halatia In reply to Halatia [2011-11-22 20:18:52 +0000 UTC]
booooooooooooo italics!
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lorenmark [2011-08-31 23:14:43 +0000 UTC]
This is superb
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Kiresg In reply to lorenmark [2011-08-31 23:23:37 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much.
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SRSmith [2011-03-08 03:31:18 +0000 UTC]
I must say I thoroughly enjoyed this. I caught one typo at the end 'Ellis wrapped an(d) arm around her', but other than that the writing is quite tight. There's a pretty good balance of dialogue and descriptive narration, though I don't have any visual at all of the main characters. Their language and behaviour suggests human with the exception of their placement in space. Perhaps some far future humans come back to gaze from the heavens at their old stomping ground?
In any event - it's a very good piece of writing.
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Kiresg In reply to SRSmith [2011-03-09 03:57:34 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much for the kind words.
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