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Description
I
Catholic school can really fuck you up.
Petty insults;
“you have ugly hair”
“got milk?”
Breasts at the age of nine.
Bullying makes you someone you don’t want to become;
hide all that blackness in your heart
with overly cheerful hyperactive personalities
(that make others think you’re a little strange),
quickly forgotten.
Friends can’t tell when you just want to
scream
and cry
and be alone
because of how deep you’ve dug yourself in.

Afraid of yourself, you think and think, and THINK,
until you are terrified you’re going to give in
to those dark thoughts -
(and if you do, then you’re just numb afterwards.
Staring at hands blankly).
II
Faith in everything, the world, God,
people around you,
yourself;
all you can see is horror.
You hide it, fake it, pretend to be okay.
Why would anyone care to listen?
Just one person of billions
with worse problems than you thinking you’re
fat
ugly
useless
desperate----

Days where you want to die
because of the slow span of ten years
building up into one sickening supernova
of self-loathing.
Of depression.

Cry for no reason,
break down,
all that torture has whittled you down.
No matter how hard you resist -
      “Why me?”
III
All you want is love,
strength,
someone to be there on really bad days.
You want to drive a knife through the priest’s heart
for all the bullshit hope he preaches -

you just want to quit
(you can’t,
because maybe
   just maybe
   there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

and that light will be brighter
the harder you try.)
You’ll finally soar out of that hole
and make it -
to a life you always wanted.

You will.