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orangetot — 3rd

Published: 2004-02-03 12:39:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 101; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 18
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Description Who thought you'd notice
That below talk of lights
And nature
Missions and summer
That I wanted you
That after fingertips
Came prints on the glass
And your mouth against mine
That I'd still be smiling now
For you my love,
My fever of the skin.
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Comments: 5

pachunka [2004-02-16 15:54:19 +0000 UTC]

I'm an idiot. I was going backwards.

I think the jump from the 2nd to the 3rd isn't as significant as that from the 1st to the 2nd.. much like The Matrix, and my lunch today.

If there was more indication of a timejump, perhaps, before I get to the 'now' mentioned at the end-- though I may not be picking out the right thing. I just need something in the third that makes the new love massively different from the old, and come to think of it, time won't do that for me-- but I'll still leave the halfsensical sentence in there for something's sake.

*nods*

1st has old love, 2nd has new love. 3rd needs to identify new love as different- glass and mouths and smiling could have been in the old. Or maybe it doesn't need to be different.

*goes hmmm*

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orangetot In reply to pachunka [2004-02-16 16:06:52 +0000 UTC]

hmmm indeed. i think you are saying that 3rd is needless. it was meant to sound content, but maybe i didnt show that too well.
i think that 1st seems so much more significant coz it was a long time coming and because that 2nd and 3rd are about the same person, so they seem similar.
i think
Because you confuse me
But in a way that makes be feel warm and fuzzy

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pachunka In reply to orangetot [2004-02-16 16:17:48 +0000 UTC]

Sounds lie I didn't confuse you too much. I don't think it's redundant- 'cause see the closure of the first negates any closure/assurance there might have been in the 2nd- I think the 3rd needs to restablish that, in the opposite way to the first (pro-lovey instead of por-movey-onny). But then again, the fact that there isn't as much closure- that you're 'still smiling'- make sit different- it means that the loop may continue indefinitely and you'll still find your happiness. Which would also rule- but in that case- I'd had modified the title a bit- to reflect the infinite nature of the 3rd poem, but since you didn't- I'll assume that that's not what you were after.

Yep.

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bluecube [2004-02-03 19:39:34 +0000 UTC]

Favouritest.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to bluecube [2004-02-03 22:35:02 +0000 UTC]

oh yes

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