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Description
Kaitlyn:  Hello, and welcome to the Silverwing Dating Game!  Today we are joined our extremely eligible Mr. Bachelor!

Goth (waving and smiling) :  Hello.

Shade (stands up in the audience and points) :  Asshole!

Goth:  Shut up, bitch.

Kaitlyn:  And our gorgeous bachelorettes!  Say hi, girls.

Marina:  Hi!

Java:  Hello.

Phoenix:  *snorts in irritation*

Kaitlyn  (narrows eyes in the direction of the bachelorettes) :  Ahem.  Now everyone, some of you may know how this game works, but some of you might not, so I'm going to explain.  Tonight we are graced by the presences of three beautiful bachelorettes who are simply dying to be the the next queen and get all that cash...  *realizes error and clears throat*  I mean, be your wife and earn your everlasting love!

Goth (squinting suspiciously at Kaitlyn) :  That's what I thought you said.

Kaitlyn:  Uh, sure.  Okay, where was I?...  Oh yeah!  The bachelorettes will be concealed behind that curtain there *gestures at the curtain* so that our bachelor won't be able to tell who they are.  Our bachelor will ask the bachelorettes a series of questions and he will decide-

Goth:  Can I have some lemonade?

Kaitlyn (glaring at Goth) :  Okay, sure.  *leans over and whispers to a stage guy to fetch some lemonade*  Anyway, our bachelor will decide whose answers he likes best, and then he will make his choice.  After our bachelor-

Goth (scrutinizing his glass) :  It has something floating in it.

Kaitlyn:  EXCUSE ME!  After our bachelor has chosen the bachelorette who has answered all of the questions to his liking, they will all be revealed.  Now it's time for-

Bat in the audience:  Oh, just get on with it!

Kaitlyn (throwing the question cards at the bat and leaping off of the stage to chase him) :  STOP INTERRUPTING ME WHEN I'M TALKING!  DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME, I'M TAKING YOU DOWN, YOU MOTHERFU-

Deep-voiced announcer:  Please excuse this inconvenience.  We will be back on the air as soon as possible.

Kaitlyn (brushing hair out of face and smiling at the camera) :  Sorry about that, it seems as if we had a terrible accident upstairs.  Some bat fell out of the sixth story window and someone had tied his wings to his sides and...  *is silent for a minute, then clears throat again and laughs nervously*  Anyway, back to the real point of this show.  Mr. Bachelor, ask the first question.

Goth (holding up the little cards Kaitlyn gave him) :  Uh, number one, what is your favorite color?

Marina:  Orange.  The color of the sun as the last sliver of it disappears over the ocean.

Kaitlyn:  Ooh, that was a relaxing image there.  Mr. Bachelor?

Goth:  I think I need some more lemona...*pauses to think about what happened to the bat in the audience*  Nevermind.  I hate the ocean.  It smells all fishy and when you're on the beach you get sand in places that you really don't want sand-

Kaitlyn:  We're talking about the color.

Goth:  I don't care.  Number two.  Color.  Now.

Java:  Light purple.  It's a very calming color that I've had people say suits me well.

Kaitlyn:  Hmm, what do you think, Mr. Bachelor?

Goth (frowning) :  I have to pee.

Kaitlyn:  Hold it.

Goth:  I can't.

Kaitlyn:  Yes, you can, now tell me what you think.

Goth:  I'm thinking that I'm going to piss myself if I can't go to the bathroom!

Kaitlyn:  Just tell me what you think!

Goth:  Quit shouting, it's making me have to go worse!

Kaitlyn:  How?!

Goth:  Because I have to shout back at you!  OH, MY BLADDER!

Kaitlyn (turning to the camera) :  Well, it looks like it's time for our commercial break.  *turns to look at Goth*  Aren't you lucky?

Goth:  *had already left the room the second that Kaitlyn turned around*

Kaitlyn:  Well, it seems our bachelor has deserted his post for the time being.  Don't go away, we'll be right back!

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Announcer:  Tired of Vampyrum invading your home and eating your parents/siblings/offspring/uncles/aunts/cousins/grandparents/step-parents/any other relative imaginable?  Try our new Vamp-Off!  Guaranteed to have visible results within 48 hours!  *says quickly in a quiet voice*  Vamp-Off does not protect against giant flesh-eating bugs, owls, rats, or any other creature except the Vampyrum Spectrum.  This substance must be injected into a main vein in the desired bat's neck.  Vamp-Off will not take effect until at least 48 hours have passed.  Vamp-Off is not really guaranteed to work, so that makes what I said above a lie.  In fact, just about everything I've told you so far is a lie.

Peppy female choir (singing) :  Vamp-Off!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaitlyn:  Hello, and welcome back to the Silverwing Dating Game!  We had just gotten to bachelorette number two's answer, yet we haven't yet recieved our bachelor's reply to it.  Mr. Bachelor?

Goth:  You're a bitch.  What kind of host are you, not letting your guests use the freakin' bathroom?  Hold it, you say.  Hell yeah, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Kaitlyn (shaking head sadly) :  Yeah, sure is a shame, what happened to that other bat.  Jeez, I wonder how much worse it would have been if he had been out in the alley after the show was over, all by himself with no one around to help him or even notice that he was missing...

Goth:  Purple's a nice color.

Kaitlyn (nodding) :  Wise choice.

Goth:  Okay, number three, what's your favorite color?

Phoenix:  Red.  It's color reminds me of power, something I really enjoy.

Goth:  Yeah, I enjoy power too.  Say, would you happen to be royalty?

Kaitlyn:  Hey, that's not part of the question!  On to round two, Mr. Bachelor.  Ask the next question before I hit you.

Goth (grumbling, but holding up the next card) :  Number one, if you could spend a day doing whatever you wanted, what would it be?

Marina:  Lounging on an island beach.

Goth:  Do I have to give the sand speech again?  Freakin' beaches suck.

Shade:  You suck!

Goth:  I thought I told you to shut up-

Kaitlyn:  Stop it, both of you!  Okay, next bachelorette.  Number two?

Java:  I would spend my day in a sun-warmed orchard filled with every fruit ever known to batkind, surrounded by my loved ones.

Goth:  I don't exactly eat fruit, and I'm lacking a bit in family right now, so I'm not sure I'd enjoy that much.  Number three, how would you spend an entire day?

Phoenix:  On a throne with a crown on my head, ordering others around and getting away with whatever I like while I point and laugh at those weaker than me.

Kaitlyn:  Well, you just might get that chance, number three.

Goth:  I think I'm starting to like this game.

Shade:  Your mom likes this game!

Kaitlyn:  Would someone get him out of here, or at least sedate him?!  I'm terribly sorry everyone.  Next question,  Mr. Bachelor.

Goth (laughing as Shade is tackled by security guards and dragged out the door) :  Hahaha, oh, sorry.  Okay, okay.  If you were honked at by an impatient driver, what are you most likely to do?

Marina:  Honk back at them.

Goth:  Hmm, alright.  Number two?

Java:  Wave apologetically.

Goth (giving the curtain a strange look) :  What's wrong with you?  *regains composure*  Number three?

Phoenix:  Give them the finger.

Goth:  Nice.  Alright, if you were a piece of advice, what would you be?

Marina:  Eat all your vegetables.

Goth:  Uh, okay.  Number two?

Java:  Be honest at all times.

Goth:  Number three?

Phoenix:  Marry a millionaire.

Goth:  Hey, that's some pretty good adv...  *pulls a face*  Wait a second!

Kaitlyn (grinning) :  Next!

Goth (glaring at Kaitlyn) :  If you have a phobia, what is it?

Marina:  Fear of losing a child.

Goth:  That's reasonable to some extent.  Number two?

Java:  Fear of spiders.  I simply can't be around them.  *shudders*

Goth:  Three?

Phoenix:  I am fear.

Goth:  ... I feel like I know you.

Kaitlyn:  No you don't, Mr. Bachelor.  Next!

Goth:  If you were going on a picnic, what would you believe to be essential?

Marina:  A bat and ball.  I'm a baseball fanatic.

Goth:  Okay, if that suits you.  Number two?

Java:  A good book!

Goth:  Reading is a waste of time unless it has something about releasing your god.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Champagne, 'cause it's sexy.

Goth:  Sexy, huh...  Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Phoenix:  Yeah.

Goth:  Would you like to have another one?

Kaitlyn (yelling) :  Mr. Bachelor, the point of this game is to find you a bachelorette at the end, so quit messing around!

Goth (rolling eyes) :  Whatever.  Number one, what type of books would you write if you were an author?

Marina:  Romance.

Goth:  Number two?

Java:  Children's, because I simply adore them!

Goth (shuddering) :  I'm not sure why, but I feel uncomfortable talking to you.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Instruction book on how to liberate a god.

Goth (excitedly) :  I recognize your voice now!  Phoenix, right?

Kaitlyn (quickly raising a remote) :  ZAP!

Goth (groggily) :  What happened?...

Kaitlyn:  Nothing, just read the next question, Mr. Bachelor.

Goth (still groggy) :  Uuuuhh, okay.  What kind of home do you think you'd be?

Marina:  Beach house.

Goth (growling) :  Damn the beach to hell.  Next.

Java:  A modest brick house with four bedrooms and a family room.

Goth:  Okay, number three?

Phoenix:  Pyramid.

Goth:  That's what I'd choose.  Number one, if you suddenly had one million dollars, what would you do with it all?

Marina:  Put it in the bank for when my child comes of the age to use it.

Goth (raising an eyebrow) :  Number two?

Java:  Give it to the poor.

Goth:  There has to be something wrong with you.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Either blow it all on a party or gamble with it.

Goth (muttering) :  Sounds like the way I used up half of my father's retirement money...  Anyway!  *peers at the cards again*  If you discovered that a friend was having an affair, what would you do, number one?

Marina:  Gossip.

Goth:  Number two?

Java:  Counsel the friend and try to put them back on the path of righteousness.

Goth (muttering to himself):  A tumor. She has a tumor that's pressing down on her brain and preventing logical thought.  *to the curtain* Number three?

Phoenix:  Blackmail the cheater and force them to bend to my every whim.

Goth (nodding) :  Screw the poor.  Number one, if you were a drink, what would you be?

Marina:  Cola!

Goth:  Number two?

Java:  Orange juice.

Goth:  Eww.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Piña Colada.

Goth:  I'd prefer 1954 Chateaux Lafitte Rothschild, but okay.

The three bachelorettes:  What?

Goth (ignoring them) :  What sort of weapon would you use to kill your most hated enemy?

Marina:  Poison.

Goth: Oh, really?  Sure you wouldn't rather bury them alive in some awful, sandy hole on your accursed beach?  Number two?

Java (horrified) :  I couldn't ever kill another living creature!

Goth (exasperated) :  I really wish they'd just disqualify you.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Charm.  Once you have them under your control, your victim will bring about their own end through their trust of you.

Goth (under his breath) :  Not in some cases.  *speaks normally*  I'm so sure that I know you-

Kaitlyn (interrupting Goth's sentence) :  Sorry Mr. Bachelor, it's time for another commercial break.  Stay with us, you crazy kids!

(The audience cheers)

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Female voice:  Is your fur losing the lust it had when you weren't an old geezer?  Don't worry, because now there's new Fur-ever Shine!  Your fur will gleam as it did when you didn't have three chins, but you'll still have the three chins!  Call now to order your 8 ounce bottle of Fur-ever Shine before you become any uglier!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaitlyn:  We're back!  Our bachelor has only three more questions to go!  Mr. Bachelor?

Goth:  Number one, what do you think is the most desirable characteristic in a mate?

Marina:  Being good with children.

Goth:  Children can go rot in a sandy pit on the goddamn beach.  Number two?

Java:  Everlasting love.

Goth:  Have you got some kind of hideous deformity or something?  Ahem.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Being sexy and intelligent.  Not to mention rich.

Goth (smiling to himself) :  Well now, I have to admit that I excell in all of those areas.

Kaitlyn:  Mr. Bachelor, the next question.

Goth:  Okay, number one, would you think of yourself as attractive?

Marina:  Well, sure.  I mean, I think so.  After children... a little.  Yes.  Wait, uh, I don't know!  *begins to panic*  Oh my god, somebody, I need a mirror!

Goth (watching the shadow flailing its wings behind the curtain) :  And there's the first breakdown...  Number two!

Java:  I like myself just the way I am, and that's that.

Goth (is silent for a moment and stares wide-eyed at the shapes behind the curtain) :  .........  Mutant.  You have to be.

Kaitlyn:  Hey, that was rude!

Goth (hurrying so he can ask before Kaitlyn stops him) :  Number three, do you find yourself attractive?

Kaitlyn: Hey, that's not one of my ques-!

Phoenix:  Hell, yes!  I'm the hottest damn thing you're ever going see, buddy.

Goth:  I pick number three.

Kaitlyn:  You do that at the end of the game-

Goth:  Number three.

Kaitlyn (standing up, eye ticking) :  You aren't finished yet!

Goth (slumping sulkily) :  Bachelorette number one, with the exclusion of 'bat,' what animal would you consider yourself most like?

Marina:  Can you not tell that I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm attractive or not?!

Goth:  Alrighty then.  Number two?

Java:  I think I-

Goth:  That's great, number three?

Phoenix:  If I was to consider myself like another animal I would be degrading myself.  Everyone know that my species is the most intelligent and good-looking of all.

Goth (muttering) :  Where have you been all my life?...

Kaitlyn:  What is your problem?!

Goth (indignately) :  What?

Kaitlyn:  You practically skipped over the other two!

Goth (throwing away the cards and getting up out of the chair to walk over to the curtain) :  You know what, screw these questions.  I swear, if I can't see who number three is, I'm going to explode.

(The audience gasps)

Kaitlyn:  Mr. Bachelor, sit.

Goth:  *keeps walking*

Kaitlyn (more forcefully) :  I said 'sit.'

Goth (still walking) :  I don't care.  *reaches up to grab the curtain*

(more gasps from the audience)

Kaitlyn:  Find out what happens next time on...

Audience (yelling) :  The Silverwing Dating Game!!!

Description
Kaitlyn:  Hello, and welcome to the Silverwing Dating Game!  Today we are joined our extremely eligible Mr. Bachelor!

Goth (waving and smiling) :  Hello.

Shade (stands up in the audience and points) :  Asshole!

Goth:  Shut up, bitch.

Kaitlyn:  And our gorgeous bachelorettes!  Say hi, girls.

Marina:  Hi!

Java:  Hello.

Phoenix:  *snorts in irritation*

Kaitlyn  (narrows eyes in the direction of the bachelorettes) :  Ahem.  Now everyone, some of you may know how this game works, but some of you might not, so I'm going to explain.  Tonight we are graced by the presences of three beautiful bachelorettes who are simply dying to be the the next queen and get all that cash...  *realizes error and clears throat*  I mean, be your wife and earn your everlasting love!

Goth (squinting suspiciously at Kaitlyn) :  That's what I thought you said.

Kaitlyn:  Uh, sure.  Okay, where was I?...  Oh yeah!  The bachelorettes will be concealed behind that curtain there *gestures at the curtain* so that our bachelor won't be able to tell who they are.  Our bachelor will ask the bachelorettes a series of questions and he will decide-

Goth:  Can I have some lemonade?

Kaitlyn (glaring at Goth) :  Okay, sure.  *leans over and whispers to a stage guy to fetch some lemonade*  Anyway, our bachelor will decide whose answers he likes best, and then he will make his choice.  After our bachelor-

Goth (scrutinizing his glass) :  It has something floating in it.

Kaitlyn:  EXCUSE ME!  After our bachelor has chosen the bachelorette who has answered all of the questions to his liking, they will all be revealed.  Now it's time for-

Bat in the audience:  Oh, just get on with it!

Kaitlyn (throwing the question cards at the bat and leaping off of the stage to chase him) :  STOP INTERRUPTING ME WHEN I'M TALKING!  DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME, I'M TAKING YOU DOWN, YOU MOTHERFU-

Deep-voiced announcer:  Please excuse this inconvenience.  We will be back on the air as soon as possible.

Kaitlyn (brushing hair out of face and smiling at the camera) :  Sorry about that, it seems as if we had a terrible accident upstairs.  Some bat fell out of the sixth story window and someone had tied his wings to his sides and...  *is silent for a minute, then clears throat again and laughs nervously*  Anyway, back to the real point of this show.  Mr. Bachelor, ask the first question.

Goth (holding up the little cards Kaitlyn gave him) :  Uh, number one, what is your favorite color?

Marina:  Orange.  The color of the sun as the last sliver of it disappears over the ocean.

Kaitlyn:  Ooh, that was a relaxing image there.  Mr. Bachelor?

Goth:  I think I need some more lemona...*pauses to think about what happened to the bat in the audience*  Nevermind.  I hate the ocean.  It smells all fishy and when you're on the beach you get sand in places that you really don't want sand-

Kaitlyn:  We're talking about the color.

Goth:  I don't care.  Number two.  Color.  Now.

Java:  Light purple.  It's a very calming color that I've had people say suits me well.

Kaitlyn:  Hmm, what do you think, Mr. Bachelor?

Goth (frowning) :  I have to pee.

Kaitlyn:  Hold it.

Goth:  I can't.

Kaitlyn:  Yes, you can, now tell me what you think.

Goth:  I'm thinking that I'm going to piss myself if I can't go to the bathroom!

Kaitlyn:  Just tell me what you think!

Goth:  Quit shouting, it's making me have to go worse!

Kaitlyn:  How?!

Goth:  Because I have to shout back at you!  OH, MY BLADDER!

Kaitlyn (turning to the camera) :  Well, it looks like it's time for our commercial break.  *turns to look at Goth*  Aren't you lucky?

Goth:  *had already left the room the second that Kaitlyn turned around*

Kaitlyn:  Well, it seems our bachelor has deserted his post for the time being.  Don't go away, we'll be right back!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Announcer:  Tired of Vampyrum invading your home and eating your parents/siblings/offspring/uncles/aunts/cousins/grandparents/step-parents/any other relative imaginable?  Try our new Vamp-Off!  Guaranteed to have visible results within 48 hours!  *says quickly in a quiet voice*  Vamp-Off does not protect against giant flesh-eating bugs, owls, rats, or any other creature except the Vampyrum Spectrum.  This substance must be injected into a main vein in the desired bat's neck.  Vamp-Off will not take effect until at least 48 hours have passed.  Vamp-Off is not really guaranteed to work, so that makes what I said above a lie.  In fact, just about everything I've told you so far is a lie.

Peppy female choir (singing) :  Vamp-Off!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaitlyn:  Hello, and welcome back to the Silverwing Dating Game!  We had just gotten to bachelorette number two's answer, yet we haven't yet recieved our bachelor's reply to it.  Mr. Bachelor?

Goth:  You're a bitch.  What kind of host are you, not letting your guests use the freakin' bathroom?  Hold it, you say.  Hell yeah, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Kaitlyn (shaking head sadly) :  Yeah, sure is a shame, what happened to that other bat.  Jeez, I wonder how much worse it would have been if he had been out in the alley after the show was over, all by himself with no one around to help him or even notice that he was missing...

Goth:  Purple's a nice color.

Kaitlyn (nodding) :  Wise choice.

Goth:  Okay, number three, what's your favorite color?

Phoenix:  Red.  It's color reminds me of power, something I really enjoy.

Goth:  Yeah, I enjoy power too.  Say, would you happen to be royalty?

Kaitlyn:  Hey, that's not part of the question!  On to round two, Mr. Bachelor.  Ask the next question before I hit you.

Goth (grumbling, but holding up the next card) :  Number one, if you could spend a day doing whatever you wanted, what would it be?

Marina:  Lounging on an island beach.

Goth:  Do I have to give the sand speech again?  Freakin' beaches suck.

Shade:  You suck!

Goth:  I thought I told you to shut up-

Kaitlyn:  Stop it, both of you!  Okay, next bachelorette.  Number two?

Java:  I would spend my day in a sun-warmed orchard filled with every fruit ever known to batkind, surrounded by my loved ones.

Goth:  I don't exactly eat fruit, and I'm lacking a bit in family right now, so I'm not sure I'd enjoy that much.  Number three, how would you spend an entire day?

Phoenix:  On a throne with a crown on my head, ordering others around and getting away with whatever I like while I point and laugh at those weaker than me.

Kaitlyn:  Well, you just might get that chance, number three.

Goth:  I think I'm starting to like this game.

Shade:  Your mom likes this game!

Kaitlyn:  Would someone get him out of here, or at least sedate him?!  I'm terribly sorry everyone.  Next question,  Mr. Bachelor.

Goth (laughing as Shade is tackled by security guards and dragged out the door) :  Hahaha, oh, sorry.  Okay, okay.  If you were honked at by an impatient driver, what are you most likely to do?

Marina:  Honk back at them.

Goth:  Hmm, alright.  Number two?

Java:  Wave apologetically.

Goth (giving the curtain a strange look) :  What's wrong with you?  *regains composure*  Number three?

Phoenix:  Give them the finger.

Goth:  Nice.  Alright, if you were a piece of advice, what would you be?

Marina:  Eat all your vegetables.

Goth:  Uh, okay.  Number two?

Java:  Be honest at all times.

Goth:  Number three?

Phoenix:  Marry a millionaire.

Goth:  Hey, that's some pretty good adv...  *pulls a face*  Wait a second!

Kaitlyn (grinning) :  Next!

Goth (glaring at Kaitlyn) :  If you have a phobia, what is it?

Marina:  Fear of losing a child.

Goth:  That's reasonable to some extent.  Number two?

Java:  Fear of spiders.  I simply can't be around them.  *shudders*

Goth:  Three?

Phoenix:  I am fear.

Goth:  ... I feel like I know you.

Kaitlyn:  No you don't, Mr. Bachelor.  Next!

Goth:  If you were going on a picnic, what would you believe to be essential?

Marina:  A bat and ball.  I'm a baseball fanatic.

Goth:  Okay, if that suits you.  Number two?

Java:  A good book!

Goth:  Reading is a waste of time unless it has something about releasing your god.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Champagne, 'cause it's sexy.

Goth:  Sexy, huh...  Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Phoenix:  Yeah.

Goth:  Would you like to have another one?

Kaitlyn (yelling) :  Mr. Bachelor, the point of this game is to find you a bachelorette at the end, so quit messing around!

Goth (rolling eyes) :  Whatever.  Number one, what type of books would you write if you were an author?

Marina:  Romance.

Goth:  Number two?

Java:  Children's, because I simply adore them!

Goth (shuddering) :  I'm not sure why, but I feel uncomfortable talking to you.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Instruction book on how to liberate a god.

Goth (excitedly) :  I recognize your voice now!  Phoenix, right?

Kaitlyn (quickly raising a remote) :  ZAP!

Goth (groggily) :  What happened?...

Kaitlyn:  Nothing, just read the next question, Mr. Bachelor.

Goth (still groggy) :  Uuuuhh, okay.  What kind of home do you think you'd be?

Marina:  Beach house.

Goth (growling) :  Damn the beach to hell.  Next.

Java:  A modest brick house with four bedrooms and a family room.

Goth:  Okay, number three?

Phoenix:  Pyramid.

Goth:  That's what I'd choose.  Number one, if you suddenly had one million dollars, what would you do with it all?

Marina:  Put it in the bank for when my child comes of the age to use it.

Goth (raising an eyebrow) :  Number two?

Java:  Give it to the poor.

Goth:  There has to be something wrong with you.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Either blow it all on a party or gamble with it.

Goth (muttering) :  Sounds like the way I used up half of my father's retirement money...  Anyway!  *peers at the cards again*  If you discovered that a friend was having an affair, what would you do, number one?

Marina:  Gossip.

Goth:  Number two?

Java:  Counsel the friend and try to put them back on the path of righteousness.

Goth (muttering to himself):  A tumor. She has a tumor that's pressing down on her brain and preventing logical thought.  *to the curtain* Number three?

Phoenix:  Blackmail the cheater and force them to bend to my every whim.

Goth (nodding) :  Screw the poor.  Number one, if you were a drink, what would you be?

Marina:  Cola!

Goth:  Number two?

Java:  Orange juice.

Goth:  Eww.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Piña Colada.

Goth:  I'd prefer 1954 Chateaux Lafitte Rothschild, but okay.

The three bachelorettes:  What?

Goth (ignoring them) :  What sort of weapon would you use to kill your most hated enemy?

Marina:  Poison.

Goth: Oh, really?  Sure you wouldn't rather bury them alive in some awful, sandy hole on your accursed beach?  Number two?

Java (horrified) :  I couldn't ever kill another living creature!

Goth (exasperated) :  I really wish they'd just disqualify you.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Charm.  Once you have them under your control, your victim will bring about their own end through their trust of you.

Goth (under his breath) :  Not in some cases.  *speaks normally*  I'm so sure that I know you-

Kaitlyn (interrupting Goth's sentence) :  Sorry Mr. Bachelor, it's time for another commercial break.  Stay with us, you crazy kids!

(The audience cheers)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Female voice:  Is your fur losing the lust it had when you weren't an old geezer?  Don't worry, because now there's new Fur-ever Shine!  Your fur will gleam as it did when you didn't have three chins, but you'll still have the three chins!  Call now to order your 8 ounce bottle of Fur-ever Shine before you become any uglier!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaitlyn:  We're back!  Our bachelor has only three more questions to go!  Mr. Bachelor?

Goth:  Number one, what do you think is the most desirable characteristic in a mate?

Marina:  Being good with children.

Goth:  Children can go rot in a sandy pit on the goddamn beach.  Number two?

Java:  Everlasting love.

Goth:  Have you got some kind of hideous deformity or something?  Ahem.  Number three?

Phoenix:  Being sexy and intelligent.  Not to mention rich.

Goth (smiling to himself) :  Well now, I have to admit that I excell in all of those areas.

Kaitlyn:  Mr. Bachelor, the next question.

Goth:  Okay, number one, would you think of yourself as attractive?

Marina:  Well, sure.  I mean, I think so.  After children... a little.  Yes.  Wait, uh, I don't know!  *begins to panic*  Oh my god, somebody, I need a mirror!

Goth (watching the shadow flailing its wings behind the curtain) :  And there's the first breakdown...  Number two!

Java:  I like myself just the way I am, and that's that.

Goth (is silent for a moment and stares wide-eyed at the shapes behind the curtain) :  .........  Mutant.  You have to be.

Kaitlyn:  Hey, that was rude!

Goth (hurrying so he can ask before Kaitlyn stops him) :  Number three, do you find yourself attractive?

Kaitlyn: Hey, that's not one of my ques-!

Phoenix:  Hell, yes!  I'm the hottest damn thing you're ever going see, buddy.

Goth:  I pick number three.

Kaitlyn:  You do that at the end of the game-

Goth:  Number three.

Kaitlyn (standing up, eye ticking) :  You aren't finished yet!

Goth (slumping sulkily) :  Bachelorette number one, with the exclusion of 'bat,' what animal would you consider yourself most like?

Marina:  Can you not tell that I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm attractive or not?!

Goth:  Alrighty then.  Number two?

Java:  I think I-

Goth:  That's great, number three?

Phoenix:  If I was to consider myself like another animal I would be degrading myself.  Everyone know that my species is the most intelligent and good-looking of all.

Goth (muttering) :  Where have you been all my life?...

Kaitlyn:  What is your problem?!

Goth (indignately) :  What?

Kaitlyn:  You practically skipped over the other two!

Goth (throwing away the cards and getting up out of the chair to walk over to the curtain) :  You know what, screw these questions.  I swear, if I can't see who number three is, I'm going to explode.

(The audience gasps)

Kaitlyn:  Mr. Bachelor, sit.

Goth:  *keeps walking*

Kaitlyn (more forcefully) :  I said 'sit.'

Goth (still walking) :  I don't care.  *reaches up to grab the curtain*

(more gasps from the audience)

Kaitlyn:  Find out what happens next time on...

Audience (yelling) :  The Silverwing Dating Game!!!