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RavenC — Two Women and a Runaway.
Published: 2005-11-08 14:29:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 237; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 22
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Description A blonde haired, scrappy teenage boy quickly pressed the button to go down on the lift. He tried to look as innocent as he could, as he hid stolen sandwiches in his hood.  He sighed in relief, as the lift moved slowly down.
A few well-dressed white-collars glared at him as they got off.  Unperturbed and used to this treatment, he stepped on, and pressed the lobby button, hoping that no one would come on.  His hope was shattered as the lift came to a stop on the seventh floor.
Beverly checked her watch before she stepped on the elevator.  She couldn’t afford to be back late to lunch; and she had fifty three minutes.  As she stepped on the elevator, she glanced at the young boy who had wedged himself in a back corner, as he was eating his egg-salad sandwich.  She sighed; she'd have to smell that disgusting scent all the way down.  She turned to press the wooden lobby button, and realized she didn't have to.  
The next floor, the elevator stopped and opened the doors again.
Paige stared for a second, at the two occupants as the aroma of an egg-salad wafted out of the open doors.  Ew, she though, someone's been eating one of those nasty sandwiches.  She scrunched up her nose against the stench before getting on the tiny elevator.  Then she looked at the woman, and thought she looked familiar but couldn't place her, and then at the boy, and wondered what he was doing in her father's building.
The trio stared hypnotically at the elevator countdown.  Suddenly, between the second and first floor, the elevator came to a shuddering stop as the lights flickered out, and the dim emergency lights blinked on.
Paige gasped, and looked at her watch, then pulled out her pink cell phone, pushed her father's speed dial, but there was no reception.  Paige muttered curses in Spanish.
Beverly, chuckled and said, "Don't worry, hun, I'm sure power will be back on in a minute, these old elevators do this all the time."
The boy muttered, and tried to use the emergency phone, soon realizing some vandal had cut the cord.
"Stupid homeless vandals," Paige snarled.
"Well, forgive me for breathing," the boy shot back.
"I wasn't talking to you! HELLO!"  She snapped.
"Since we can't let them know we're here, let's make the best of it," Beverly interjected.
Paige and the boy simply glared.
"My name's Beverly," she went on, "I work here."
"Hallo," the boy said to her, "I'm Robin.  I just eat here."  Robin quickly wiped off the egg-salad off of his hand as he extended it to her.
"I, for one, am not going to stand here," she said as she sat down, "I need to take some weight off my feet."
Robin flopped next to her, and pulled out the brown bag of stolen sandwiches. "How about we pause for a kip here? Not like we can do anything else."
"If no body minds," Paige said, "I'm going to take my shoes off, 'cause I don't want to sit on the dirty floor." As she took off her shoes, her feet froze to the tile floor and she started bouncing around whimpering 'cold!'
Beverly offered her news paper to Paige, "Here, Miss, sit on this.  It's sanitary."
Paige giggled, and took the paper, "thanks, but you don't have to call me 'miss'.  My name's Paige." Then the flood gates opened, and she went on, "This is soooo annoying.  I was going to meet up with my cousin, and now I can't do that because I'm stuck here, and you'd think that they'd get a move on, 'cause my father practically owns this building!"
"Does your ickle Da know you're here?" Robin snapped, "put a sandwich in it."  He offered her a ham sandwich.
"My what?"  Paige asked, she grudgingly took the sandwich, and began eating.
"Your… Never mind."  Robin thought it a good idea not to translate.
"After lunch," Paige goes on, "my cousin and I were supposed to get manicures and pedicures, but NOO! I'm stuck here."
"I've always thought that would be so much fun."  Beverly said as she looked down at her hands longingly.
"Hey," Robin commented, "If I give you lunch, would you buy me a manicure?"  
Paige laughed, "How about I give you a makeover instead?"
"Fair enough."  Robin said and he ripped open his bag of sandwiches and other fruits he managed to get.
"It'll be fun to give someone else a makeover," Paige began to pour out, "instead of always me. My father always drags me off to these stupid business parties like tonight, and I have to look perfect, and he wants me to become a partner in the family business but all I want to be is a veterinarian."
"My daughter loves animals too." Beverly said. "What made you interested in that?"
"Well, I've always liked animals, back when we lived in Puerto Rico; we had birds and farm horses, and the neighborhood animals.  I'd always help the vet whenever he came.  She taught me how to set a bone in any animal, give shots, calm animals down.  Animals don't care what you look like, as long as you love them, and feed them."
Robin grinned, "That's why I ran way." He paused, and then added "you didn't hear that."
"Ran away?" Paige exclaimed, "When?  Why? I always wanted to, how did you do it?"
Robin sighed and went on, "I ran away when about five months ago.  I was living the states to go to school here, and when my parents wanted me to come back, I just left the boarding school, and stayed on the streets."
"They must be so worried about you!" Beverly interjected, "you should contact them."
"I thought you looked familiar!" Paige exclaimed triumphantly, "I saw you on the news!"
"Yes, that bloody report nearly got me sent home before I managed to hide.  And no, I will not contact my parents; they're stuck up rich prats."
"Well, excuse ME for breathing." Paige muttered.
Robin muttered an apology back, and Beverly went on, "Really, your mother will be so worried, won't she?"
Robin shook his head, "I'm youngest of eight.  My parents don’t really give a flip about me."
"That's not true!" both women said in unison, and then Paige looked startled to have the same thought as Beverly.
Robin let out a mirthless laugh, but didn't continue, instead he changed the subject, "So both Paige and I complained, your turn!"
Beverly, slightly shocked to suddenly be put into the spotlight, began talking, "Well, my son, he's about your age, and I had a fight this morning before I left for work."
Robin nodded, remembering all the fights his older brothers had with his parents.
"I'm not sure what to do; we seem to fight a lot nowadays."  She finished.
"My father and I fight all the time," Paige said I think it's normal for parents and children to fight, as long as they don't beat each other."
Robin nodded, and added, "Most kids' think that their Das and Mums are complete idiots until they get out on their own.  And then they realize that they were wrong and their parents were right.  It drives them batty."
Paige started laughing at Robin's terminology.  In an Oxford accent, Paige said, "you've got a bloody lovely accent, and I can't copy it!"
"No more sandwiches for you!" Robin growled teasingly and pulled his bag away from her.
"Fine, I love you too!" Paige giggled back.
"Is it just me or is it hot in here?" Beverly asked, loosening her collar.
"Yeah, it is." Robin commented, and looked up to the escape hatch, "give me a moment." Robin sprang up and managed to smack the hatch open, brining in a cool, dusty breeze.
Beverly smiled, and Paige sneezed, while Robin flopped back onto the floor, grinning.
Without warning, the elevator suddenly shook, and then started a high pitched ear piercing beeping.
"Well, it sounds like the lifts moving again." Robin said calmly.
"Why is it beeping?" Paige asked.
"Because the hatch is open," Beverly commented, "Robin, can you close it again?"
Robin nodded, and then sprang to the hatch, swinging it closed.  The beeping stopped, and the elevator went back into motion.  It stopped at the lobby as if nothing had happened.
"So," Robin said to the girls, "same time next week?"
"Sure, why not?" Paige said.
"But," Beverly interjected, "let's take the stairs this time."
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Comments: 9

Drazzeltiger [2006-01-27 18:18:00 +0000 UTC]

That was... interesting. Although, yeah, you might have trouble publishing a "short story on an elevator situation." But the characters are brilliant, it's a great clash of the classes.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

RavenC In reply to Drazzeltiger [2006-01-28 03:33:21 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! ^o^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 18:08:53 +0000 UTC]

Oh and there's more.. sorry, I just had to add the characters really are works of art. I loved them, they had personality AND they can be used a symbols because of the way you've crafted them. This flows very beautifully (except for the lead part would help so a reader doesn't just dive into it *bounces up and down*) and this has lots of action. I never caught myself wondering when it would be over and all the words have a purpose behind them.... Yep...

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RavenC In reply to LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 22:55:09 +0000 UTC]

*laughs* Yeah, my characters always have more depth than needed. Action is good. XD it makes stories interesting.

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LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 17:56:47 +0000 UTC]

Well, I'm not quite sure if publishers are looking for short stories on elevator situations, but it has a nice theme forming. I think the theme is how people from higher, middle, and lower standings aren't really as different as they appear. This should have a lead saying how different people are in the city and how uncommonly people of different classes realize they aren't so different from each other. Then it shows if they are given the oppurtunity, sometimes a link can be made (Beverly and Paige agreeing that Robin was missed at home, Robin and Paige sharing rich family backgrounds but dealing with the pressure differently, All 3 of them discussing parent vs sibling arguements). I like the closing line alot too, but maybe something echoing a lead would be nice talking about how when people drop their gaurd or the mask of their busy everyday lives, they actually share certain struggles (family fights, money issues, not the right amount of attention from parents- this work also shows the parent's side of this issue with Beverly, she doesn't bend her to please her children but it doesn't mean she's bent on destroying her son's dreams. For example Paige's dream of being a veterinarian is crushed by her father's wishes, but not because he's a horrible father, he just has an opinion of what is best for her and he sticks up for it). I'd like to see the sort of theme expanded, the use of these three very different people could symbolize a city, they could serve as a mini-model to prove that people aren't all that different. I absolutely adore their personalities ^_^, they're vivid and real. Robin's blunt additude fitted this scene so well, his personality shows up best at the first 'Excuse me for breathing' part. He was quite funny. Paige had a jumpy personality but NOT IN A BAD WAY. It seemed very natural, except at the beginning it seemed odd because I didn't know how quickly her personality could change. For example, when the elevator stopped she gasped then started cursing. That seemed odd to me... but later on it made sense. She's just a lively girl. Beverly refrains from taking a dominant role in the conversation and lets the kids talk. This fit her character as a mother because usually mothers don't instantly jump into conversations about pressure from parents and how terrible it is. When she did speak though, she fit character. Only one time did I feel that she broke character which was when she was asked by Robin to complain. She is described as shocked. I don't think a this mother who wasn't shy about starting the conversation in the first place would be shocked simply because she was asked to input in the conversation... maybe a tiny bit surprised kids would be interested in her opinion since her own son is going through a stage that makes her opinion feel less valued (Robin describes this stage as when kids think their parents "are complete idiots"). These arguements have probably taken a blow on Beverly's confidence. I'm not sure what word would fit best but shocked doesn't feel right, but that's just me. I don't think surprized would either, its too strong. It seems like she was just awaken from drearily commenting on other people's lives, (not that the subject wasn't exciting, its just, talking about a your neighbor's house burning down is one thing, but your house burning down is much more involved for you) as it states she was "put into the spotlight" (She wasn't just TOLD her house burned down, that would be shocking, she just switched from talking about Robin's house burning down to oh-by-the-way-so-did-mine) Eh, that's the only thing on Beverly, otherwise I loved her! This was a beautiful work, and I look forward to more thinks like this!!! I hope it will get published... I don't think deviant is publishing though...

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RavenC In reply to LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 23:00:29 +0000 UTC]

My teacher thought it didn't count as publishing either, but we haven't found anywhere else. >>;;

Thanks for all the critique. I'll have to show it to my teacher and all.

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LostPyroKitten In reply to RavenC [2005-12-28 17:41:18 +0000 UTC]

Yep! Well its alllll suggestions ^_^ I just want you all to have the best chance to get published soo... the more people who rant and rave about all the itty bitty things I'd think, the more ready this peice will be when it falls into the hands of a publisher. You know, readers perspective... I'm sorry if I was too.. anything bad.. in it.

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RavenC In reply to LostPyroKitten [2005-12-31 21:57:16 +0000 UTC]

Naw, you were fine. ^^ just as long as no one goes on and on about how bad it is calling it all 'constructive critique' I'm fine.

Yes, my self esteem is so low that constructive critique hurts. --;;

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

LostPyroKitten In reply to RavenC [2005-12-31 22:11:54 +0000 UTC]

Well, I don't want to upset you by making you think your writing is bad because its excellent. I just want you to have the best chance of getting published by giving you the readers view. You're always trying to get published.. the poetry book and I think you were making the poetry book into a CD and I think you've done other publish dealies and now you're gonna publish this.. I just want to see you get published!!!!! You have such determination for it and your writing gets better everytime I read it, one way or another it someone will publish you. You create all these connections with other writers and work well in a team, that will get you far. Editors will like how you work well with others and listen to criticizism.

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