Comments: 9
Drazzeltiger [2006-01-27 18:18:00 +0000 UTC]
That was... interesting. Although, yeah, you might have trouble publishing a "short story on an elevator situation." But the characters are brilliant, it's a great clash of the classes.
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RavenC In reply to LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 22:55:09 +0000 UTC]
*laughs* Yeah, my characters always have more depth than needed. Action is good. XD it makes stories interesting.
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LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 17:56:47 +0000 UTC]
Well, I'm not quite sure if publishers are looking for short stories on elevator situations, but it has a nice theme forming. I think the theme is how people from higher, middle, and lower standings aren't really as different as they appear. This should have a lead saying how different people are in the city and how uncommonly people of different classes realize they aren't so different from each other. Then it shows if they are given the oppurtunity, sometimes a link can be made (Beverly and Paige agreeing that Robin was missed at home, Robin and Paige sharing rich family backgrounds but dealing with the pressure differently, All 3 of them discussing parent vs sibling arguements). I like the closing line alot too, but maybe something echoing a lead would be nice talking about how when people drop their gaurd or the mask of their busy everyday lives, they actually share certain struggles (family fights, money issues, not the right amount of attention from parents- this work also shows the parent's side of this issue with Beverly, she doesn't bend her to please her children but it doesn't mean she's bent on destroying her son's dreams. For example Paige's dream of being a veterinarian is crushed by her father's wishes, but not because he's a horrible father, he just has an opinion of what is best for her and he sticks up for it). I'd like to see the sort of theme expanded, the use of these three very different people could symbolize a city, they could serve as a mini-model to prove that people aren't all that different. I absolutely adore their personalities ^_^, they're vivid and real. Robin's blunt additude fitted this scene so well, his personality shows up best at the first 'Excuse me for breathing' part. He was quite funny. Paige had a jumpy personality but NOT IN A BAD WAY. It seemed very natural, except at the beginning it seemed odd because I didn't know how quickly her personality could change. For example, when the elevator stopped she gasped then started cursing. That seemed odd to me... but later on it made sense. She's just a lively girl. Beverly refrains from taking a dominant role in the conversation and lets the kids talk. This fit her character as a mother because usually mothers don't instantly jump into conversations about pressure from parents and how terrible it is. When she did speak though, she fit character. Only one time did I feel that she broke character which was when she was asked by Robin to complain. She is described as shocked. I don't think a this mother who wasn't shy about starting the conversation in the first place would be shocked simply because she was asked to input in the conversation... maybe a tiny bit surprised kids would be interested in her opinion since her own son is going through a stage that makes her opinion feel less valued (Robin describes this stage as when kids think their parents "are complete idiots"). These arguements have probably taken a blow on Beverly's confidence. I'm not sure what word would fit best but shocked doesn't feel right, but that's just me. I don't think surprized would either, its too strong. It seems like she was just awaken from drearily commenting on other people's lives, (not that the subject wasn't exciting, its just, talking about a your neighbor's house burning down is one thing, but your house burning down is much more involved for you) as it states she was "put into the spotlight" (She wasn't just TOLD her house burned down, that would be shocking, she just switched from talking about Robin's house burning down to oh-by-the-way-so-did-mine) Eh, that's the only thing on Beverly, otherwise I loved her! This was a beautiful work, and I look forward to more thinks like this!!! I hope it will get published... I don't think deviant is publishing though...
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RavenC In reply to LostPyroKitten [2005-12-27 23:00:29 +0000 UTC]
My teacher thought it didn't count as publishing either, but we haven't found anywhere else. >>;;
Thanks for all the critique. I'll have to show it to my teacher and all.
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LostPyroKitten In reply to RavenC [2005-12-28 17:41:18 +0000 UTC]
Yep! Well its alllll suggestions ^_^ I just want you all to have the best chance to get published soo... the more people who rant and rave about all the itty bitty things I'd think, the more ready this peice will be when it falls into the hands of a publisher. You know, readers perspective... I'm sorry if I was too.. anything bad.. in it.
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RavenC In reply to LostPyroKitten [2005-12-31 21:57:16 +0000 UTC]
Naw, you were fine. ^^ just as long as no one goes on and on about how bad it is calling it all 'constructive critique' I'm fine.
Yes, my self esteem is so low that constructive critique hurts. --;;
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LostPyroKitten In reply to RavenC [2005-12-31 22:11:54 +0000 UTC]
Well, I don't want to upset you by making you think your writing is bad because its excellent. I just want you to have the best chance of getting published by giving you the readers view. You're always trying to get published.. the poetry book and I think you were making the poetry book into a CD and I think you've done other publish dealies and now you're gonna publish this.. I just want to see you get published!!!!! You have such determination for it and your writing gets better everytime I read it, one way or another it someone will publish you. You create all these connections with other writers and work well in a team, that will get you far. Editors will like how you work well with others and listen to criticizism.
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