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Virus
Published: 2005-09-19 17:08:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 2748; Favourites: 35; Downloads: 224
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Description
A letter of kindness was received with vengeful lustas dawns broke and spilt over barren homes.
The taste of deceit crept, and imbedded
in thirsty senses and fickle thumbs;
it bore through every sleeping hour
and while the trickster dealt his cards
he danced and danced upon the minds
of those who wore white shirts and naked feet.
Limbs were bent by crooked eyes and crooked smiles
until trembling syllables gave way
to crusades of painted feathers and tales that birthed shaded songs.
Still, through the slumber, they too, danced
mourning each drop of nectar lost
that slipped through bitter hands and torn hearts.
The coyote laughed, and though ignorant tears fell
From left to right he dealt his joker
And the game was lost.
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Comments: 47
I love it, it's very fluid, rolls off the tongue so smoothly.
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Yeah, pretty good really. But why no capitals at the start of the lines? Am i just being stupid (i think i probably am).
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My only concern is the word "birthed" = did you purposely used the noun birth as a verb? I'm not upset or overly concerned with it - I'm just curious. Other than that, excellent!
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Hehe nah it's always nice to recieve a more passive compliment! It's great that you liked it and if that's case i'm not sure whether understanding it matters so much.
And yes, the "birthed" was intentional.... I think
Thanks for the beautiful comment!
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From left to right he dealt his joker
and the game was lost.
that is the perfect ending for this, i can see it so beautiful in my mind, i hope this was as enjoyable to write as it was to read, because it is... awesome? yes. i love it.
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Hey! I'm glad you liked the ending, and even more so that you can see it. That's the best bit I think, being able to actually see a poem. And yes, I rather enjoyed writing this as I was seeing it before I wrote it down 
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ah! that is good then. the joy of creation.
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I'm in love with this piece. Thank you.
Congrats on the DD, too
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I don't even begin to get this. I definitely think you've erred on the side of vagueness here; the category is "poetry", not "puzzles". Would you care to write me a solution to this one? (as in, what the hell are you talking about?)
I also tend to look at poems in terms of sonic pleasantness--I must say, in my mind this doesn't sound like a poem at all. Again, if you'd care to prove me wrong (and I'd love that), do you think you could make a reading of this (as in, record yourself reading the poem how you hear it in your mind)?
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Hello.
So, 'you don't even begin to get this' eh?
Personally, i find that interesting, and it opens my mind to many discussions.
For a start, is poetry written souly to 'be got?' Surely the beauty of poetry (and if you are a true poet and/or passionate about it you should agree or be open to this idea) is almost at times the misunderstanding of a poem... in other words, poetry, in my opinion, is incredible for two main reasons; Either you don't understand it completely, but it gives you an insight into the mind and thoughts of the person who wrote it, and is therefore most personal to them. Or you not necessarily understand, but more relate to the poetry. I mean, have you read any T.S. Eliot? I'd like you to claim you 'understand' his poetry. And yet I doubt you'll disagree with me that he's an incredible poet. For me, his poetry is great because of the images it conveys, and how I can relate them to my own life. No two people are going to interpret a poem in the same way. And at the end of the day it's what you read into it and how it relates to you as a person. If neither of the previous suggestions apply to you than all I can say is that you are not a very interesting, passionate or open-minded person, so who cares about your opinions to be honest? No offence though, eh?
Bon appetite! (Learn not to question these random phrases- embrace them!)
p.s. You're a pussy if you don't reply to this
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And here's my reply: souly is spelled "solely". π: 0 β©: 0
And that would have been my whole reply, had it not been for your tone. I like your tone. It's my tone; give it back! You have strong opinions and are not afraid to step-dance on toes. Good stuff.
Also, I am the most interesting person you're likely to meet. Ever.
Eliot is good. But even with him, I hated the Waste Land and I loved the Lovesong. My favourite Eliot is "Preludes" from "Prufrock and other Observations". These poems create very, very concrete stories in my mind (the lovesong is such an adorable account of the ways shyness manifests in the less romantically inclined of us, for instance; preludes is a series of very concrete images centred around both a place and time and a theme).
You see, I just discussed this with =neepheid on IRC in great detail. The gist of our discussion (and we agreed; which means I've got a real poet on my side (since I don't consider myself a poet at all; I write prose. I write bloody good prose. I don't write poetry. That's why I usually don't comment on poetry unless I'm very happy or very unhappy with something)) was that there needs to be a balance. You ought not be vague for no reason, just for vagueness's sake. There ought to be also a straw, at the very least, for the reader to grasp; something that would promise a little more than just words. For me, virus is nothing but words; that's alright, though, because most "poems" uploaded to dA are just that: just words. The reason I commented on this at all was that =tearstone liked this so much, and I do value his opinion highly. If he liked this, I am certain, there must be something in it for me to like too. I couldn't find anything.
Those who know my prose constantly complain I'm too vague. I do love to confuse and bedazzle my readership; I like to hide little puzzles or allusions or metaphors; for me, a cigar is hardly ever just a cigar, and names surely are more than smoke and echo. That's why I appreciate this drive to be "clever" a lot; what disappoints me is when a writer seemingly doesn't bother to try and satisfy the simpler aspects of either storytelling or arguing (because all poetry, I claim, has at its core either a story or a message; the best poetry has both) at all.
This poem (and apologies to the writer here, for discussing their poetry in their absence, as it were) is that there is no consistency at all. There are certain things that help us notice certain sentences are part of the same text. For instance, if you look back at my comment, you'll see that I am speaking around a certain theme (poetry); there are many deictic references (this, that, "this poem"), things that could not be understood outside a context, and they do make sense when connected to each other; and so on. Before I get too linguistic, let me say it like this: this poem is an accumulation of sounds and meaningless little "images". These images derive meaning from a context, no matter how clearly or vaguely they fit into that context. Here, though, they are so disjointed that no context comes to be.
^imperfect , who featured this poem, says this:
[01:58:51]
[01:59:02]
[01:59:31]
[01:59:36]
Which is great! Sonic qualities are an important aspect of poetry, and for many people, they are enough to make a poem good. I have the feeling that you also value your own interpretations of those "snippets" highly, and that's alright as well; what you ought to realize, though, is that this is one hundred percent subjective. The next person may not attach any interesting interpretations to the lines of this poem.
What I'm saying is this: for me, great poetry has to be more than a nicely-sounding collection of quotable lines that can be applied to all sorts of emotional situations with the same vague exactness that makes horoscopes so successful. The poet must have a mission; either a story, or a message, or at least some connecting thought. Otherwise I could code a simple program to understand things like alliterations, metre, and that has a decent enough grammar (and that maybe knows some idioms as well, to "cleverly" subvert them), and that program could spew out things like this poem. Maybe only one out of a hundred poems it would make would sound this good, but still.
To sum it up: this is too random for me. Evidently, you are entitled to your own opinion; like it if you will; but if, as a poet, you want your poetry to be likable to a greater public, you ought to put some more bits in that people can "get".
PS: If you wonder where all this discussing and whatnot is happening, it's in *Coffeehouse , dA's literate hangout. Connect to it over dAmn (chat.deviantart.com/chat/coffeehouse), or get an IRC client, connect to irc dot deviantart dot com and join #coffeehouse. You are literate and hold strong opinions on literature; you'll be more than welcome there.
Well it's a shame we can't all share the same opinion and views on what works as poetry and how to portray situations and feelings to the rest of the world, but then I suppose it's a case of 'each to their own.' This poem wasn't written for you and so I don't expect you to understand it, but it is wonderful when one is able to take what they can from it, and even more so if for a brief moment two individual minds are connected in an understanding of the same vision or experience. If this is not the case, however, there is no need for anyone to make excuses for how they choose to view circumstances in life and that they then chose to share that.
Either way thank you for voicing your opinion as I like to hear what others have to say, regardless of whether their judgement is at all similar to mine. Afterall, what good would any form of art be if it very rarely varied and failed to obtain both negative and positive critsism? So thanks for taking the time to view and comment on my work, it is much appriciated.
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I'll read it on TS or record it if you like. It actually reads very well aloud and sounds great.
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Please do record it
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broke and spilt over
I think you mean 'spilled' since 'spilt' sounds like a passive verb (spilled by something else) rather than spilling-over. Mind you, it depends on what you mean by the sentence.
of those who wore white shirts and naked feet. There's something a little off with the rhythm here. You almost fall into an iambic pattern, until we get to 'white shirts' (equal stresses). Is this deliberate? It isn't a problem, just something that maybe you should be aware of.
I enjoyed reading this. It's very impressive. I like the idea of dealing chance, and let's face it, drawing a joker is fairly unlikely unless the dealer is playing to some other rules.
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Hmm yes, i'd wondered whether it was silled or spilt, but I chose to ignore it in the end
It's funny to see how many of the small criticisms others are coming up with are ones that originally passed through my mind but I chose to ignore, such as "of those who wore white shirts and naked feet." I see what you mean about the rhythm and while it wasn't intentional it's good have confirmation concerning certain aspects of the poem.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, it means alot that you and so many other people have enjoyed this. I'm esspecially glad you understand the idea of chance in the last stanza as I had hoped that others may see that the rules to which the game is played are unfair.
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congrats for DD. love the poem.espicially the metaphors
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This is absolutely incredible! The fluidity of this piece just baffles me. And you've got an awesome eye(mouth?) for the metaphor.
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Hehe yeah i'm sure you can tell I like my metaphors. Thanks for the +fav!!
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Hmm, "magnificent"... I could get used to that word, haha! Thank you, i'm very pleased you saw it as thought provoking, I think perhaps that has always been my aim, rather than just stringing some pretty words together. But i'm glad you liked the pretty words nonetheless
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Congratulations on the DD ^_^
I love this part : "Limbs were bent by crooked eyes and crooked smiles
until trembling syllables gave way"
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I'm pleased you like it, thank you... for the +fav too
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it's not normally something I'd appreciate but I do like this
bravo to you my deary
congrats on the DD
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Congratulations.
I'll try and come back later for critique.
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"Limbs were bent by crooked eyes and crooked smiles" reminded me of a somewhat obscure nursery rhyme my father would tell me as a kid: "The was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile" etc. Was that a conscious reference? Either way, I liked this piece a lot. My only suggestion would be to try something less conservative in terms of layout. Other than that, KEEP AT IT!
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Haha no that no that certainly wasn't a concious reference, i've never heard that nursery rhyme before. I thought more of a dodgy backstreet salesman
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hey, now. Not bad sir, you have a good control of your story here. Two things:
"vengeful lust" the vengeful doesn't feel really good here, i think it could be removed safely to help the pace of that line.
"The coyote laughed, and though ignorant tears fell
From left to right he dealt his joker
And the game was lost."
Your use of capitalisation and enjambment here didn't really trip me up, but I did notice it, and aesthetically it sort of bugs me. Mainly the capitalisation, if you decapitalize from and and.
but, yeah. This is pretty well done, your ideas compelled me to read on. Kudos on the DD.
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What story did you see?
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Thanks for your comment and advice. I know, the capitals are bothering me too, it was something I intended to change a while ago and haven't got around to it. Perhaps now i will
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Hmm, I have to admit this isn't really to my tastes, mostly because the imagery is so abstract (especially in the first stanza). It's hard to write with abstraction while still being descriptive and the result easily turns clichΓ©d. The poem feels original in style, but I feel like some imagery is bordering on clichΓ©d. On the other hand some parts made me think of a madlib poem.
To conclude, I think the first stanza could use more concrete imagery. In general your imagery is rich, perhaps even too rich. It makes me think you might be overusing adjectives at times, though some people would probably say it's just a part of the style. The last line leaves me feeling it could be stronger, but I have a hard time coming up with concrete suggestions since I, too, can't really grasp the last stanza. It also seems to slightly lack in flow, compared to the rest of the poem which does well on that front.
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Thank you for taking the time to comment and give your opinion as it is always good to recieve the chance to understand another's point of view, as this is what helps one to prgress in technique, is it not? But I think when it comes to content then it is left to the author to use their muse wisely, and for the reader to hope that they may glimpse a part of the author's world.
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I don't think I've disagreed with something this strongly in a while.
The author's "job", if there is such a thing, is to draw the reader INTO his work and make it not only entertaining, but also enriching in some way. Everything else is masturbation.
Oh and don't give me "I don't write for an audience". Everyone writes for an audience. And someone who doesn't write for an audience would probably not upload their work on a public webpage. Right?
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I totally agree with your comment here - that the reader can only hope that they may glminpse a part of the authors world - sometimes we just don't get other people - that is part of life. I think that sharing poetry like this is about finding or sharing a connection with someone else who understands where you are coming from, but certainly not all people will understand. Does that make sense? It's late...
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Yes, that makes perfect sense and i'm glad you agree. I've noticed there is a difference between writing poetry as a theraputic exercise for yourself and writing for an audience. Either way, the purpose is that either the author or reader may grasp and relate to what is being portrayed.
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Yep, my journal poetry is basically just for a release of emotions, and makes me feel so much better once it's out of my head...sometimes it turns out that it's good and I feel that someone else may be able to take something from it - only then will I reveal it
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That's wonderful, perhaps someday i'll be able to see some of it
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yeah...someday...
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This piece is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
The metaphors are eloquent, it's clear, it's fast, it's original.
But, since critique is welcome, I'm going to take the liberty of making a few suggestions.
I think capitalization hinders cadence, as do 'and's at the start of a line, and I also feel that the unique pace of the poem would be optimised if it was split into three distinct sections. S with minor alterations the first two stanzas would appear thusly:
--
A letter of kindness was received with vengeful lust
as dawns broke and spilt over barren homes.
The taste of deceit crept, and imbedded
in thirsty senses and fickle thumbs;
it bore through every sleeping hour
and while the trickster dealt his cards
he danced and danced upon the minds
of those who wore white shirts and naked feet.
Limbs were bent by crooked eyes and crooked smiles
until trembling syllables gave way
to crusades of painted feathers and tales that birthed shaded songs.
Still, through the slumber, they too, danced
mourning each drop of nectar lost
that slipped through bitter hands and torn hearts.
--
Now for the last three lines. These are the only ones that, although phonetically powerful, evade my understanding. Whilst doubtlessly a fault of mine and not of the poem, perhaps they could be changed slightly to ensure maximum effect?
The coyote laughed, and though ignorant tears fell
From left to right he dealt his joker
And the game was lost.
For example, is it two sentences, or an intended ambiguity?
I adore it.
Thanks for the read!
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Wow thank you very much for your in depth comment, it is very much appriciated!
I wrote only earlier today and was in a mood in which I gave very little thought to the layout. However, two aspects which really struck me that should be altered were the "ands" and the amount of stanzas. Nevertheless I chose to leave it as it was until I was certain I was certain it should be changed. But your words have brought confirmation, I am glad to see you share the same opinion and I shall follow your advice.
As for the last three lines, I felt they would perhaps only relate to myself, and so in a sence, yes it was intentional ambiguity. For this reason I choose to leave them be.
But if it helps I found that while writing this the metaphors evolved and began to symbolise other, perhaps more personal incidents that I had recently encountered. Through writing, these seemed to have manifested in my mind as a virus. So perhaps this is the reason as to why the last three lines may elude one's understanding, and yet still work well within the poem.
Thank you again for your kind words and advice. I am honoured that you should like it so much.
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